Think my fiance has ADD - ADD / ADHD Message Board

reesie · 09-12-2008, 12:58 PM

I’d like to start by saying I am new to this board. Not to healthboards but this one in particular. I am getting married in 1 week and premarital counseling has recently revealed my fiancé seems to have ADD. In all honestly I’m not surprised at all, it explains so much. I have been fully aware of his forgetfulness, lack of achievement (despite being bright), little follow through, large amount of time spent on his brand of fun, failure realize when people are bored with his conversation and continuing anyway, bad money management, etc. I thought some of this was due to the fact that he is a 30 year old man who has never left low level of boundaries home and I believed exposure to a more independent and responsible life would turn him around. (I know you’re thinking I crazy for being with a man who is still at home at 30 and displays not a large amount of progress in his life. I wonder this about myself a lot, but you can’t always control who you love)

Anyway, now that he is being tested for ADD, and I have been reading up on the subject is obvious to me that this is the case. So I know that our life together will be interesting to say the least. I have Bipolar disorder and have been doing quite well for the last 2 years and badly for the first 3 so I am no stranger to mental/emotional imbalance. I’ve done well on naturopathic treatments aren’t a joy at all to maintain. As such I also realize how very important it is to take yourself and doubly so when you have to give considerable support to someone else.

Since he has lived a lifetime feeling inadequate I am concerned with how to encourage him with generating resentment. In learning about ADD I feel confident is saying I understand his frustrations because I experience half of them when at work. I’m an engineer and it is a profession that can drive you insane. The constant barrage of data and demands sends me zoning off to sudoku websites more often than not. I can leave a house so messy you’ll lose your way but I’ve learned over the years wit depression life works a lot better if I force myself to structure some order and processes that keep me in line (like labeled drawers and bins for stuff, to do lists, routines of choosing clothes the night before, etc)

I’m fighting with myself for being upset and feeling like I’m being taken advantage of when I find a way to survive and help myself (an him) and he doesn’t. He has lots of support. More than a lot of people in similar situations and he’s blind to most of it. All he remembers is the pain of childhood bullies and lack of achievement to notice that those people aren’t around now and the people who are are super supportive and encouraging. I fight with helping him all the time and leaving myself exhausted or just letting him fall on his face and learn. (I learn towards the tough love of falling on your face and learning) But he has done a lot of falling and hasn’t learned as much as one might think.

What’s a reasonable expectation for his progress? I know he’s made now because he hasn’t had management. But if he starts even at levels like diet and structure, what is reasonable to expect? I feel if I can learn what experiences others have had I can determine a bit what I should chill out about what I shouldn’t. I have spent too much time being unable to relax lately because I have tons of things to do and I know where he will back me up.

Reesie

-it be fair he helps out with a lot, if asked and reminded. But I don’t want to fall into a trap of his responsibilities being my fault for not being done if I forget to remind him. He knows he has areas to grow and wants to but never seems get that off the ground without my help and I don’t think my help to become a crutch. I need me time after working long days just like he does without expecting our life to fall into disrepair because I took my eyes off for a moment.

magilla45 · 09-14-2008, 10:28 PM

Reesie;

Wow he's a lucky guy to have you and maybe you should think about putting off the wedding for awhile to see what his committment really is. Right now you may be setting yourself up for a big fall--frequently the best predictor of the future is the past---you tell me.

reesie · 09-15-2008, 03:28 PM

well I don't think it is an issue of him not being committed, he just doesn't always know how to accomplish things and the frustration of that lack of knowledge shuts him down. I don't know where he got the idea that adults always know what they are doing or always accomplish things flawlessly but that probably comes from a fantastical view of the world. I spent a lot of time thinking last wek and watching him over the weekend and I now realize that his has come a long way. Has a long way to go, but he appears excited to start trying. While living at home I thing he was constantly reinforcing a lack a confidence in himself based on what society says about adultsl iving with their parents. Too bad he doesn't realized a large chunk of gen y lives at home for financial reasons which is why he was too. The world is changing, adults live with parents, new couples have women as primary bread winners (as we do), we just have to eschew the societal expectations to fit how we actually live our lives. I realized being as financially and personality dominant as I have to learn to give him responsiblity in our homes and life where I've never had help before and he has never had opportunity.

It still be hard, but at least we know what was going on now and he can stop fighting walls that don't move and learn to work around and with them.

Thanks for your comments and advise.

magilla45 · 09-15-2008, 07:45 PM

Reesie;

Hun the VERY, VERY best to you both--you sound like one cool chick!!!

Magilla45

lucylucy · 09-21-2008, 11:12 PM

FIRST: DO NOT expect that he is going to change very much, if at all. You can't go into marriage expecting to change your husband. That's a recipe for failure. He's 30 and he's probably about as mature as he's going to get. I'm not saying that he can't develop many new skills and habits, but at this age, he is what he is. And so are you. You can help him become more confident by appreciating all the strong qualities he has.

SECOND: Right now, it sounds like you've started to spiral into negative thinking, which is a symptom of your depression, not his ADD. Depression can fool you into thinking there is something wrong with your life (or the people around you), when it's really your own brain that is making you feel bad. This is a very stressful time for you, so you would benefit from some extra counseling yourself.

The only thing you can focus on is what YOU can do to adjust to marriage and create the kind of life you want. What supports do YOU each need? How can you help each other? Premarital counseling is crucial to understanding what you're getting into, and can help you to figure out in advance how to deal with some problems you're likely to face. It can also give you a chance to decide if the marriage isn't right for you.

Unconditional love and acceptance is really important to a happy marriage. I've been married for 25 years - mostly happily. I think the key to our happiness is that we've grown to totally accept and tolerate each other's CONSIDERABLE flaws. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me (and vice versa). But somehow we made it work. He is my safe haven from the stresses of the world and I am his

You talked about creating structure. It IS a great idea to create a lot of structure in your new home to start off your new life, and learn as much as you can now. A lot of things that help with ADD, will also help your concentration (a common issue with depression).

If you're a well organized person and good at money management, you can help him a lot by creating a lot of needed structure and by keeping him out of financial trouble, though he might resent being reigned in. If you're not very structured either, than you might still be happily disorganized together as long as you don't mind the chaos and you don't expect the other person to do what you don't want to do.

The hardest part for us was raising our kids. The combination of depression and ADD in parents does not help to create the kind of structured environment that's needed to raise kids, especially kids who are likely to have depression and/or ADD themselves. You say he has a good support structure already. If that's the case then I strongly recommend that you stay near your support system when you have kids. DO NOT MOVE AWAY. If I could change one thing in my life, I would have moved closer to our relatives when we had kids. We could have used the help. Also, work really hard to create structure for your kids in case they have depression or ADD, and get all the services available in your school system. (We found a great summer day camp at the local university just for kids with ADHD and it did wonders.)

Bipolar disorder and ADD both can wreak havok on financial management. It would be really smart to get help and set up some safeguards for financial management. Spending limits on credit cards, automatic payments, direct deposit, overdraft protection, etc. etc.

GOOD LUCK!