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Old 06-19-2010, 07:34 AM   #1
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Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

My husband and I were recently married on May 1, 2010. I love my husband! We've been together for 2 1/2 yrs now and about a year into our relationship I brought up the fact to him about him having ADHD. He was offended and angry at 1st but then came to realize he did have it, so he went to get help. He has been taking his meds very well but it doesn't seem that they've gotten the right kind yet. I am a very laid back person, who likes quietness, likes to relax, likes to plan things ahead of time and I am kind of a neat freak...so all in all with my personality and my husbands ADHD..it really takes a toll on me! I find myself always in a bad mood because of his forgetfulness, his selfishness, his lack of picking up after himself or sloppiness in general, his constantly wanting to be on the go, doing something, going somewhere, talking all the time, etc. I can't keep up with him! I repeatedly ask him to do or say something or not do or say something, he agrees to it but never does it because he is in such a hurry all the time, he doesn't stop to think. Then he just says that I'm nagging him all the time. When I ask for quiet time, he says he doesn't want it. I need some advice as to what I can do to cope with this, (until they find a med that truly works), so I don't completely freak out one of these days, so I can keep my sanity and most importantly so I am not is such a bad mood all the time! Please help me!

 
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Old 06-19-2010, 07:56 AM   #2
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

Wow, you are awfully stressed for just a few weeks into your marriage. How well did you know him prior to the wedding because it seems that all of these symptoms would have been well apparent even in a dating relationship?

Is he taking meds currently? If so, perhaps it's time for a "sit down" with him and then with his doctor in order to find something that will provide better symptom control but still allow "him" to shine through and keep him feeling good to himself.

You may also want to consider some counseling either alone or with your husband to help you learn how to cope with his personality traits and perhaps to help him be a little more understanding about from where you are coming. Marriage takes adjustment and compromise in the most "compatible" of situations so yours definitely will be more challenging, but doable if both of you are willing to work at it.

Good luck!

 
Old 06-19-2010, 08:55 AM   #3
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

Thanks for your reply. Yes, his symptoms were there while we were dating but with him being very good at taking his medication then and now, I'm just trying to be patient until they find the right medication or dosage that works. I have sat down with him many times trying to explain how I feel and what I'm going through. He seems to understand at the time but then it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I've asked him if I could go with him to his doctor's appt. so I can give my input but he refuses to let me come because he says that this is his thing that he needs to deal with.
We have also done a little pre marriage counceling about a few of our issues but again with his issues, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I just need to know what if anything I, myself can do to cope with the situation and be able to be more patient.

 
Old 06-19-2010, 09:14 AM   #4
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

Sounds like you're doing all you can at this point. I'm sorry he won't let you be a part of the doc visit, as this is not just HIS issue anymore.

My daughter is 13 and has ADHD and we've found what works for her. However, until the dose is in her bloodstream each morning, she is outlandishly horrible. To top it off, she doesn't care how she acts so is not motivated to take her meds, so I have to make sure she swallows it each and every morning. I worry greatly about how she might do when she moves out, goes to college, etc, with no one to prompt her. She is also an unmotivated slob, but at this point I'm hoping against hope that that is more of being a teen than the ADHD.

I wish I could offer more advice for the two of you. However, it seems the only one who can change this situation is you right now, so perhaps a little solo counseling will be of help.

Take care!

Last edited by Brocallie; 06-20-2010 at 11:37 AM.

 
Old 06-19-2010, 05:57 PM   #5
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

Wow sounds like you have your hands full too! Thanks another thing I'm worried about too is that our kids might have Adhd and that will just be more for me to deal with! Hopefully things will get better for both of us! Thanks again for your help and good luck with your daughter!

 
Old 06-20-2010, 09:58 PM   #6
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

It sounds like you may be incompatible with an ADHD individual. Even the right med isn't going to change your husband into a quiet, laid back neat freak that always plans ahead. ADHD is something that can come to be controlled with time, effort, medication and understanding, but it never goes away.

Please go out and buy So I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, and both of you take the time to read it, then discuss it. It will give you both a much better understanding of what ADHD is, how it manifests both behaviourally and emotionally and provides several strategies for getting it under control. The reason this is important is that putting daily pressure on an ADHD brain to change will produce exactly the opposite effect. Being utterly overwhelmed, your husband's symptoms will be magnified, rather than reduced, because an ADHD brain tends to shut down when overstressed. Remember, his intent and his actions are likely not the same, and he's already frustrated about the fact he can't seem to do things right, no matter how hard he tries. Continuing to tell him over and over about how he's failing you and how he's hurting you is simply going to add to that frustration and that pressure, which will further complicate his symptoms.

I would also recommend further couple's therapy, perhaps with a counselor that understands ADHD and can offer suggestions about how you can love and support one another while helping him to come to terms with his situation. He's going to need someone who can love him and support him unconditionally in order to make regular progress, this is not a lost cause, but it's going to be a long road.

 
Old 06-21-2010, 10:40 AM   #7
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

That definitely makes sense! Thank you very much for your help and I will look into that book!

 
Old 06-21-2010, 07:11 PM   #8
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

Mindy,

I just read all of your thread to date. Your husband must involve you in his therapy. It made the difference for my wife and I. It enabled her to understand why I can't do things that I want to do and do things that I don't want to do. It helped me to see the need to make the changes I could. It is still hard for me to clean up my own mess. But I do it.

What is really cool is we learned to compliment each other. I'm driven but lack control. My wife can control but isn't driven. I get the beans. She counts the beans. Without my wife, I'd lose the beans. Doesn't that kinda negate the ability to get them? No beans kinda nulls bean counting skills.

Our relationship has improved dramatically.

Tell your man to include you in therapy or you'll beat snot out of him. Trust me. Men fear their wives wrath. He'll take you along. And be glad he did.

My "beat snot" advise comes only after reading that negotiations failed. It is now time for a show of force. It is in your (plural) best interests. Otherwise nothing will change. Eventually some sleazy divorce lawyer will make a few more easy bucks.

Bob

 
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Old 06-21-2010, 10:49 PM   #9
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

I always wondered what the other half feels....I was diagnosed in March with ADHD and I never would've thought I had it. Of course looking back now, the signs were all there. I just thought I was the Queen of Multi-tasking. What RX is your hubby on? I'm taking Focalin now and it has truly helped me. Ritalin made me sick and I had headaches ALL THE TIME. I'm a little frustrated that the "weight loss" that everyone talks about isn't there but oh well. <edited> I'm sorry it's frustrating for you, just be patient even though he's not.

Last edited by mod-anon; 06-22-2010 at 04:44 AM. Reason: Please read the posting rules

 
Old 06-22-2010, 04:16 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by addprogrammer View Post
Mindy,

Tell your man to include you in therapy or you'll beat snot out of him. Trust me. Men fear their wives wrath. He'll take you along. And be glad he did.

Bob
Thats what I've been telling him! That I cant really, truely understand unless I can be a part of it all..but he said that his doctor said she didnt think its a good idea, which I think is crap! This isnt just something that is effecting him..its effecting me too! The more I understand the better! I'll def tell him what you've said..thank you for your input! (he'd better fear my wrath..my maiden name is Rath!)

Last edited by mod-anon; 06-22-2010 at 09:40 PM. Reason: merging posts

 
Old 06-22-2010, 06:06 PM   #11
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Re: Husband has ADHD and I'm stressed out!

What they generally recommend are some sessions just for him and some for the whole family. Whoever "they" are.

 
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