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Old 10-11-2011, 10:57 AM   #1
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Unhappy Adult AdHD and codependency

I have been recently diagnosed with ADHD and I am terribly codependent I just don't see how to deal with this... I feel like a complete failure.. I don't know how to get over this and love myself. I'm a divorced single mom and I feel like I'm going to mess up my daughter's life. Self help books make sense to me... But I can't seem to follow through with it, it is so easy to just glom onto someone to fill this void ... I know it is wrong.., I have stopped dating because I'm so confused about love and what is real love without codependency... Isn't everyone a little codependent? Don't you want the person you love to feel good and help them if you can? How can I do this for myself.., what does it mean to love yourself so you can love others! Setting boundaries? ... Being emotionally unavailable to everyone but yourself! Any insights?

 
Old 10-11-2011, 11:40 PM   #2
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Voltaire, first thing I would like to say to you is quit beating yourself up. Life is hard enough without knocking yourself down.
As far as ADHD, you have just been diagnosed, hopefully you and your Dr have decided the best regiment for you. It will take a little time but you will see a difference. I have 2 sons with it, yes life is harder for them but you will manage this now you know whats up.
It's not unusual fod someone w/ADHD to read a book and not be able to follow through. That's sort of the norm. As far as co dependency, I have a strange feeling that something happened to you in your past and whatever that was is why you choose to be co dependent. I think it's a way of rectifying something else because you just don't know any other way. If your not used to loving yourself and being satified with who you are, then yes your going to have a difficult time figuring that out. Again, that even I believe has more to do with something in your past.
As far as your daughter. There's not a book out there that tells us how to be the perfect parent. That book is absolutely impossible, too many things go on in life that can be handled any number of ways. So this is something I hope and do pray you understand. As long as you love your child,and do everything you can possible do, and all that you do for your child is done with good intention then there is no possible way for you to be a failure. I won't tell you that every decision you make is always going to be right, but I'm absolutely positive every one won't be wrong either. So I'm now going to ask you to please take this one step at a time. If there are changes you want to make, write them down. Be careful, with ADHD you need to start small. So make a small list to start with. At the end of each day go over your list. Be sure to write down not just whether or not you accomplish the goals but how you did it that day. Make a diary of this. Therefore, when a day goes by and you were unable to meet a specific goal you can go back and read about all of the days that you did and how. For the goals that you didn't acheive that day try to write down why, or what you think you could've done different to have achieved that goal. I can assure you, if you give your self a little time and devote it to only you, I beleive you will nip all of this in the butt.
In the meantime, just date. Let a man take you out and show you a good time, you don't have room at this point in time to try to get attached, just have fun with them.

I hope I was able to help If so and you would like to talk further I'm almost always available-even if all you want to do is vent.
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Old 10-12-2011, 04:14 PM   #3
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your kind words. I wish I would stop beating myself up... It is hard because I know I'm intelligent but at age 42 I still can't get things right. Everyday I try to do better with my relationships... I'm a very impulsive emotional add type... I do pretty well at work remembering things but sometimes I snap without thinking and feel overwhelmed and look for a quick fix to my problems by doing something impulsive... I find it hard to just sit a be with what I'm feeling at any given time.. I will try to right down some goals... I have never ever set goals... I've always quit or given up. This adds to low self esteem... Plus being the youngest if the family... Everyone did everything for me... All this taught me was to not trust myself and to rely on others.... To need others and maybe that has something to do with codependency issues. I also felt I had to be a certain way or dI certain things growing up in order to feel loved. I think I just need to go slow and proceed with caution... May e I'll get it right finally the day I die. I wish I was diagnosed earlier in life... It seems like such a sad frustrating waste. I'm ok I'm just venting.. I'm soon seeing a therapist on a weekly basis to work through some of the pain and get a game plan together for the future.

 
Old 10-12-2011, 07:25 PM   #4
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Voltaire,

You "brake" my heart. Your potential (Allesandro Volta) is measured in mega-volts. The resistance (Georg Ohms) "ADHD" measured in giga-ohms prevents you from outputting terra-watts in achievement.

Read some of handle-sake, Voltaire's, stuff. It will help. Then, find a good psychiatrist, one that knows how to get the highly impeding boogers out of your neural signal paths.

Please, don't let ADHD destroy an ultra amazing person like yourself.

Bob

 
Old 10-13-2011, 08:35 AM   #5
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Thanks.. Although Im not sure I understand your reply... How on earth do you heal childhood wounds from having emotionally unavailable/ narcissistic parents( my dad has ADHD too)? I want to heal but I don't know how and I keep falling for people just like my parents.... It is getting tiresome but I don't know how to change this deep programming... Have you heard of EMDR therapy? Any help is appreciated.. I have the desire to change I just need to know how.

 
Old 10-13-2011, 09:03 AM   #6
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Thanks.. Although Im not sure I understand your reply... How on earth do you heal childhood wounds from having emotionally unavailable/ narcissistic parents( my dad has ADHD too)? I want to heal but I don't know how and I keep falling for people just like my parents.... It is getting tiresome but I don't know how to change this deep programming... Have you heard of EMDR therapy? Any help is appreciated.. I have the desire to change I just need to know how.

 
Old 10-13-2011, 11:39 AM   #7
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

So sorry for the cryptic reply.

My attempt to play on "Voltaire" flopped.

Decrypted:

Find a good psychiatrist to medically treat ADHD's biological facet first - impeded neuro-transmission. Restored cognitive capacities will enable you to work out the psychological damages you sustained.

Most of us dxed with ADHD when adults including myself are badly damaged. We simply cannot rebuild ourselves without first getting the biology medically under control.

Bob

 
Old 10-13-2011, 11:55 AM   #8
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

I just called my psychiatrist and he increased my dosage of vyvanse... Feeling already a little better.. I need to find a better therapist... The one I have now isn't helping me get to the issues... Maybe I'm not being honest with her... My emotions are wacky... Sometimes I cry when I'm angry. I don't usually feel anger until it explodes uncontrollably. thanks again for your help. Did the damage you suffered go away quickly? I wish I felt that time was on my side. I better get busy getting this mess cleaned up.

 
Old 10-13-2011, 10:22 PM   #9
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Voltaire sorry I wasn't here earlier to respond for you. I don't know if we actually heal from childhood damage. I don't think I ever have. We are about the same age I'm 41. I had to bring myself to a conclusion, either let my past run me or I take over. The other was realizing that the person that I became would never had been if it wasn't for all of the good and bad that had happened in the past. So when I turned it all around and really looked at it differently and truly became thankful for all of it, it didn't bother so much. I was able to move on. I'm not going to tell you that life is just grand and none of it ever bothers me because I would be lying to you. Truth is,I have 3 fine sons. I wasn't my mom. My sons are grown great men. They love me with all of thier heart. I have a step son that his father and I divorced 10 years ago and he loves me still. So to me I could let my past control me or I could decide that I'm going to do my best not to be those people who hurt me in my past and raise my sons not to be those type of people. I can't ask for more than that. Am I perfect NO. Am I trying to be NO. Did I accomplish every task I planned to accomplish every single day NO NO NO. So try not to put to much pressure on yourself. You have already accomplished so much just by identifying a problem or two. Thats a big start. Your taking steps to improve yourself and correct issues. As far as a relationship, I'm not in one. The biggest reason why is because right now I need to get myself right. Most times when I date if I see they need to get themselves right, yea I try to help, but truth is some things a person just has to do for themselves. A person has to go through some things to be able to grow. So I will easily step out. I surely don't want someone trying to do for me if they are not doing what they need to do for themselves. When you look at it that way it sure narrows down the keepers LOL. Thats why I say just date, enjoy your time, get your break. In the meantime do for you and be happy.
Just so you know adprogrammer is off the chain, he can help a lot. Everytime I read his posts I'm always impressed. He knows how to help. So stick around, we've got your back
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:11 AM   #10
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Re: Adult AdHD and codependency

Voltaire,

We can learn to function and live happy lives in spite of childhood damage. To a satisfactorily degree I can manage those daily surfacing negative feelings that stem from being raised in a dysfunctional family environment.

Certainly those feelings distract from my overall mental and emotional well-being. However, the good news, they no longer are show stopping disabling influences.

How long my rebuild process? To date about 7 years and on-going likely to the day I go back to dust.

I recommend therapies that center around training such as ADHD coaching. Talk therapy has been of little value for me and I think it safe to say for most adults with ADHD. Talk therapy depends on prerequisite mental functions disabled by ADHD. We are incapable of following through on talk therapy counsel.

Thanks for your kind words, Iluv, and for getting me off the short leash. I simply cannot forget to engage brain before engaging mouth. To quote Dr. Hallowell's reply to: "'How many times do I have to tell you?' A few hundred at least." Let's up that to "A few thousand at least" in my case.

Better late than never, I think.

Bob

 
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