A few days ago, my Dr. adjusted my prescription Adderall 20 mg BID to 10 mg BID. So far, the one major difference I observed is that I am not feeling as sleepy throughout the day. I don't know if I am making a big deal out of nothing, but I also noticed that I said the F word a few times while chatting casually with friends. I should mention, this is not typical of me as I am a soft-spoken female. My friends laughed and shrugged it off as harmless, but I am still feeling embarrassed about the situation.
I am better off not ruminating about letting a few obscenities slip while around people I've known a long time, but I can't stop worrying a little. I have a natural tendency to be straight forward with people and I come off as self-pedantic and insensitive while off medication. I don't believe myself to be better than anyone. I am mostly self-conscious about my self-expression, because I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I try not to ask too many questions of people and I do communicate honestly (when I am not lying to myself), because it is so much easier to just tell the truth. Today, I stuttered a few times and laughed louder than I normally do.
I have a family reunion (mother's side) coming up and I thought up a bunch of creative excuses not to attend. For some reason, my ADHD worsens around my mother's side of the family. I usually end up feeling malled post family event. Maybe because they all have unrefined OCD, yet high-functioning enough to not be ostracized by society. The last time I had dinner with my mom and dad, I randomly asked out loud, "why doesn't anyone ever talk about grandpa's alcohol and gambling problem now that he is dead?". My mother shuffled nervously and my father shouted at me like I was five years old again. My father yelled, "there are no such problems in our family!" Then, I was scolded further for making up senseless stories and I should know better than to say such things. At the reunion, I know my grandma and all my aunts will ask when I will marry and have children. This is what I fear I might say, "I would rather not unconsciously attract a man with a substance abuse problem and breed a new generation of addicts and codependents!" I don't normally ramble this much.
I originally planned to post some concerns about my career path. I still have no idea what I am doing with myself or what I should be doing. I spent so much time and energy preparing myself for a career that I can't pursue unless I come off of ADHD medications in order to pass a physical. I am great with machines, but I take medication in order to be more considerate of the feelings of other people.
I am great with machines, but I take medication in order to be more considerate of the feelings of other people.
Well, that gives you a pretty good idea of where your future career should be found!
And about the family reunion, honestly it sounds like a pretty toxic situation. You can't avoid your family forever, but being around all of them in a giant mass while you're going through some inner challenges might not be a good plan.
I have an idea of where I hope to go with my career planning, but I am required to come off ADHD medication in order to pass a medical exam. It is non-negotiable. My people skills are decent, but I could benefit from further development in personal relationships. Its not that I avoid personal relationships, I just forget I have them (sometimes). I care about most of the people in my life. Though, I am known to become distant and/or hypervigilant in intimate relationships when I am not managing stress well. Females are supposed to be "relationship-oriented" and at the same time "career-driven." It's confusing.
I probably won't go to the family reunion. It might be better to get hassled over not going vs blurt out something hurtful or insensitive like, "I know I don't have kids, but at least I am not beating my kids out of drunken anger like uncle, because in America they call it Alcoholism!"
You know, I'm the same way to some extent, but I was a lot more so as a teen and as a child.
You really can grow these skills. You might not be that woman who keeps track of and cares for the inner needs of absolutely everyone around her, but you'd be surprised how far you can grow your relationship skills.
The one sort of good thing about ADD is that it impaired some parts of my learning during formative years. I was too distracted to fully learn toxic behavior patterns. I feel most awkward around my mother's side, especially because the group dynamic isn't consistent with the general majority. When I was a child, I had a rude habit of staring at people when not daydreaming. This got me into a lot of trouble. Although, I learned to "lower my eyes" in the presence of elders, I failed to learn to avert my eyes when drunk family members lash out violently. Its not that I was asking for a slap in my face or a cigarette burn, I was curious about why their eyes sometimes looked hollow.
I am easily distracted by subtle meaningless mannerisms or details about people and I need to learn to fix this, because its pointless and frustrating.