Some interesting progress on meds
All my life, I've struggled to control my temper. Most of the time I succeeded, occasionally I failed. When I failed, other folks sometimes tried to help me. I was offered counseling, anger management books, sometimes discipline or threats so I'd "choose" to stop losing my temper.
None of it worked. I read the anger management resources, and most of the suggestions sounded like they'd been written by a person who'd never been angry in her life. Talk about it calmly? That would just make me angrier. Take a deep breath? Didn't begin to help. And they seemed to be talking about anger lasting for hours or days, mine usually just lasted a few minutes.
What no one ever ever suggested was that I ask an actual psychiatrist for help. Finally, however, I did. He (somewhat offhandedly) suggested an SSRI.
It completely changed my life from the very first dose. Until I took that medicine, I thought that my anger was totally normal, and I just suffered from poor anger management skills. Now I know, the average person does not suffer sudden extreme rage several times a week, sometimes several times a day. I wasn't emotionless on the medicine, I sometimes felt happy, sometimes stressed, sometimes frustrated, but when I was upset, I was able to manage it easily.
I just can't believe I never knew this before. All my life, everyone told me, "It's your fault. Why are you doing this? You know it's wrong, so just stop." Oh, I recognized that hormones, blood sugar, ADHD, and other things played a role, but I ultimately believed the only answer was more self-control. Luckily, I was completely wrong about that!
So, I should be happy. It's an easily treatable psychiatric condition, and Zoloft works for it MUCH better than Adderall ever did for anything.
Unfortunately, after about a week, the drug started to severely aggravate my erosive gastritis, and I just couldn't keep taking it. Worse, the other SSRIs have the same issue, and I haven't had any luck with other drug classes, like the tricyclics. My Pdoc and I are still experimenting, but I'm NOT optimistic.
I just can't believe this is IT, you know? How can I get one taste of normal-brain and then give it up forever?