slowmo

I don't really know how this happened to me, I don't why I've let it get this far. This is not the person I wish to be. I'm so ashamed and confused and I guess I'm writing this because I need someone to listen. I've been taking vicodin on and off for about a year. More on then off though. The last few months I have been taking more then ever going from 2-3 a day to 5-8. I started taking them after surgery and just never stopped. I'm in pain but it's not severe and I know there are better non medication treatments that would work for me. I don't even like the way vicodin makes me feel anymore. I hate that feeling yet I still take them. Why???? I've gone through withdraw a few times before and while it was uncomfortable, I know it's managable but then again I was only taking up to 3 a day then. It's hard to stop when I get them so easily from a so called friend. I thought maybe if I just avoided her it would be easier but I feel really mean doing that to her. I realise she supplies these to me because she takes them like candy and misery loves company. I'm not blaming her because I could easily say no. I guess my question is why am I taking vicodin when I don't even like them? I notice I reach for them when I'm angry or sad. Could I be taking them in order to avoid dealing with other issues? I know I'm blabbering and I'm really sorry. I just need to get this all out. Thank you!