Philosophical views on freedom after an early life drug addiction - all views welcome
All my life I have gone through multiple weeklong phases of incomprehensible stagnation, followed by smooth sailing until the morning that I wake up and am faced with the same emotions I just felt like I had begun to let go of. I've been to rehab 3 times, diagnosed manic depressive with anxiety disorder but unmedicated due to personal choice (mostly side effects to the medications).
I am in one of those stagnant phases now. On January 7, 2017 I will have been clean from dope (H) for 2 years. LSD and ketamine therapy helped a lot in my ultimate recovery and dealing with the phenomenon of craving, as well as confronting the parts of myself that contributed to my need for a crutch to begin with. This anniversary should fill my heart with unmeasurable, unimaginable, divine freedom... but instead I want to inhale barbecue sauce through a straw. Every single ******* day, (although I never act on it) I question the viability of a previously reliable vein on the top of my right foot.
The reason freedom from dope is divine is because the strength to do so came directly from the user, because any human making a decision IS the deity with the power over their path. In summation, it is divine because I forced the room for freedom to flourish all by myself. But I struggle...
If the freedom that people have taught me to push for (from a substance, unhealthy relationships, societal influence, or other crutches) is really the same type of freedom that all "love n light" types blather on about, why the **** do they make it sound so freeing? Do people really live like this? Most importantly, if trying to accept freedom by its definition in my current life is impossible and painful to others, does that mean I have to choose between a dulled existence or an unconventional one? Sometimes I have a hard time understanding people and their failure to acknowledge inherent biases about what life "should be", so I'm reaching out to some unfamiliar souls for insight.
I know this is dramatic and lengthy. But I'm asking those of you who also feel confused or let down by societal standards to help me draw some conclusions here.
Thank you friends.