I blew it - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Percokitty · 06-16-2003, 12:51 PM

I was all set...had a 12 noon appointment - outpatient detox -- was dressed to go - had 2nd thoughts ... I would not have it I hadn't known another script was coming in the mail tomorrow that I didn't cancel soon enough.

Then I woke up today to find that another one that I HAD cancelled -- well they seemed to ignore that; charged my credit card and were going to ship it. I actually called the 2nd place and told them NOT to....

Then I got all confused and my mind was doing a number on me; maybe I should cancel because I'm really not ready; I should use up these last 2 scripts then make a commitment.

I HATE myself for not having the courage to do it today; but I felt that IF I started the detox regimen today; received the script tomorrow...I would not have had the strength or the resolve to throw them in the toilet ... I was feeling pretty strongly about that.

Then I did the unthinkable -- I called back the place that I DID cancel with and uncancelled it -- so I would know for sure on what day I can reschedule an appointment an do this (hard to explain).

So - I will probably have 10 days or so more....I know you guys won't be too hard on me; because I'm already hard on myself and crying and I'm writing because I feel like a failure right now - not following through -- and I usually dont do that...

Thank you for listening.
Kitty

Hopefortoday · 06-16-2003, 12:58 PM

Kitty . . . you haven't blown it yet . . . you haven't used, have you? Regardless, don't beat yourself up and what's done is done. Today is the most important day of your life . . . spend it well!

Love and prayers.

StacyVictor · 06-16-2003, 02:26 PM

Dear Kitty: Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. As addicts we can always rationalize just one more pill. I know I have done it a million times. In fact, when I went back on the Suboxone last saturday, I didn't start the Suboxone until Monday because I still had enough vicoden left to last me until Monday, I mean why waste them? OR that was the reasoning that I had. Don't beat yourself up on this. You can do it. Just take it one day at a time. Wake up tomorrow and start fresh! I have felt a million and one times like a complete failure and loser. You just tell yourself that you weren't ready to do it today and you will think about it tomorrow. Withdrawal is the most ugly, horrible, painful and depressing thing to go through. You should go when you are ready. At least you were strong enough to know that if you started the detox today and a refill came tomorrow you wouldn't have the strength to throw them away. Hey, that's great! Hang in there, you CAN AND WILL do this!!!!!

Stacy

Autumn Angel · 06-16-2003, 05:56 PM

Hi Kitty we are here for you relax and focus and when you are ready then do it. My prayers are with you

Autumn

Percokitty · 06-16-2003, 06:14 PM

Hi,
Thanks you all for responding.

Stacy...yes, my reasoning was similar to yours...why start this when I'm going to have vicodin left ???

I knew that some were coming tomorrow; and then ... the one that I cancelled - are coming anyway and my credit card has been charged which is besides the point.

So...I felt with those in the mail; I didn't think I could make the commit to fully detox and not cheat. I will make the commitment though, not to buy anymore -- I cant really afford this - spending $500 in one month - that's it !!! No more.

As for today; no vicodin ... but as I mentioned I DO have darvocets which is what I was taking prior to relapsing on vicodin; and I have been taking a few of them today which I suppose is why I haven't been feeling too horrible ... not as horrible as I know i could feel.

I have accepted the fact that I did though. I called the outpatient clinic and told them I was just not quite ready -- and they understood. Also, these few days will help me know if I could actually detox w/o the clinic by using the darvocets while weaning off the vicodens...altho I know it is helpful to have a support group helping you through it.

I feel depressed though and very stuck at the moment..it's like I put off my life for another 10 or so days.....

Thx,
Kitty