Saint I Ain't!!!!! - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

okieatheart · 07-12-2003, 03:01 AM

Ok,here goes!! Sorry,maybe long......Went to the dr. yesterday(a "good" one,,,yeah right!) Told him I was hurtin...big time...I really was and he scheduled an mri,bulgera,some patches for the back and you guessed it ....Oxys!! (only 30 though!) He knew I went through w/d's 2 weeks ago,I told him that but "just in case,for breakthrough pain!" Well,here I am,4 kids in tow screamin,fightin,my back is killin me,I've been really good for 2 weeks...nothing,not even1 opiate!...Reward time!!!! So, I rush to the pharmacy already shaking with excitment to get my meds the kids their candy and we are all set! Got home,got my bottle of pepsi and set back to wait for the fuzzies.They came,but ummm,hhmm,I swear I instantly thought,this is not enough! So,I started WATCHING THE CLOCK UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO TAKE MORE!! SO,I took 4 more 2 hours later.My skin started itching,dry mouth,irritable,and then the guilt started in!
I'm here to tell ya that's it! Everything got under my skin!I just wanted to be by myself so I could zombie out,my hubby was like...what is wrong with you!You really got the heebie-geebies today!(of course I didn't tell him the truth!Are you crazy!!!) Well,then the BIG GUILT!! My mom called!(she was my big supporter through w/d''s) I felt like I was 15 again! Everyhair on my body stood up and that fear of "oh my gosh,she'll know!set in. She will be sooo disappointed in me,etc.etc.This is so not worth! It is 4:30 in the morning,my head and neck are absolutely throbbing,I can't sleep,I feel so guilty.Sooooooo,I flushed the remaining 22 pills,got my bottle of excedrin,got an appt at 9:00am w/ a chiropractor and this is how I will deal with it from now on...It is so not worth it...I realized I was here 2weeks ago to the day dreading the w/d's.I cannot deal with being a zombie anymore,with watching the clock,the ups and downs......I got a taste of reality and I like it better...nothing was better last night certainly not this morning.I really felt the need to share this with you all. I have so much going on in my head right now.I I can't live the old life anymore,its too stressful! All my senses had started to wake up this past week,I could smell things again! Of course the kids still drove me nuts,but not as much,they were funnier,cuter,my hubby was more attractive,etc.etc. So,anyway...thanks for listening and I am very happy to say I feel good that I'm not "high". I will deal with the cravings,the energy loss,etc,etc,because my life is NOT better with those pills!!!!!

Hopefortoday · 07-12-2003, 07:05 AM

Good for you! I cannot believe (well, actually I can) your doctor gave you a script for Oxy knowing you just went through withdrawals two weeks ago. Helloooo!? I hope you find some answers for your pain. Good luck and God bless.

SincerlyReallyStupid · 07-12-2003, 07:53 AM

Okie~I'm not following you here. You stopped takin last week and you went thru withdrawals but you went to the doc(the one that knows you went thru w/d) and he prescribed you Oxy again? That I wild. The Doc that I started out with when I came out of the hospital would'nt give me NOTHING for NOTHING....he would just say you gotta work this. Being the person I was, I thought I had to do just that. I wished I would have known about this board back then because I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him and get the meds I needed in order to at least be able to make a sentence when somebody did talk to me. But Im not goin back to that again~its over and he is an ***....funny story tho...He also coaches little league baseball and my husband umpires....I don't know how he coaches lil kids but my husband had to throw him out of several games due to behavior...I thought that rather funny. Getting back to you tho, So you slipped but you've already flushed the pills? See I could have flushed my jewelry down the commode before I would have turned aloose of those lil demons. Way to GO!!! Your gonna be okay. Just don't be so hard on yourself.

chefob1 · 07-12-2003, 09:25 AM

okie....you gotta be tough!when that feelin creeps up on ya for some opiates you gotta dig down deep...i cant do it just yet cause im on the methadone with my chronic pain in my back too.....but you paid the dues for two weeks....that was my problem...id go on the w/d cycle evry other week...it drives ya crazy...if you stopped for two weeks maybe ask yourself the next time you get the cravings, is it so bad that i gotta go to the e.r. room for the pain or is it just the phscological thing where id like to do some oxy's....im proud that you made it the two weeks....i hope you did flush the oxy's too......chef

AP · 07-12-2003, 09:30 AM

Hey Okie!!! It's take2many...i'm on my sis's account, but i'm gonna take the chance of getting her banned too

I've been thinking about you since last week, hoping you were doing okay. I can't believe the doc gave you OXY'S...of all things!!!, knowing that you just went through w/d's!! Anyway, it doesn't matter. YOU had the stregnth to flush em'

I haven't done so well myself. I caved yesterday and got more soma. I'm proud of myself in a twisted-justifiable way though, cause I only got the soma...not the cocktail of the 5 different meds i was taking before. My w/d's were going sooo bad..then the actual pain (that i was taking them for) kicked back in, and WOW!!! what made you feel so bad after taking the oxy's? Girl, you've come so far

I wish I could kick everything totally. Also, as my mind was becoming clearer, the GUILT came lurking back about all the horrible things I've done to myself, family and friends when using. How did things go at the chiropractor? Hang in there...you are definitely one tough okie!!!