my addiction is enabling my 21 year old - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

bookmiser · 09-06-2003, 07:26 AM

i think everyone has seen my post on my son's heroin use, his finding a meth clinic and attending daily and has been clean for eight months. my $#@%$# problem now is i have continually allowed him not to find a job and keep one, and live at home without paying back the money i gave him during his drug use and meth recovery. everyday i would ask him what his plan was to no avail. sorry for the long story. anyway, he gave me his house key, took most of his things, and moved into someone's place without a job or transportation. says he needs to live his own life and he hates my husband. his girlfriend of 1 year called at 1:00 am to tell me he's messing with a nasty girl and broken up with her. all i asked was if he is using again. her reply was "i know he's smoking pot". he's hasn't had his meth dose in a week. what the $@#$ am i suppose to do now? i can't help him anymore. i need advise on saying no and letting him go.

nomoreopiatesihope · 09-06-2003, 09:18 AM

there is some missing info, like whether he's actually using (i know you're not sure right now). if he has quit with the opiates, then (in my own opinion) smoking weed may help him get by. i know its saved me at different times. i actually would have things in my possesion, but after smoking pot i'd just lay them down and be content for a while.

if the "nasty girl" he is with is a user, then theres a good chance he'll start again. why did he stop with the methadone? i heard you get WDs anyway, but you are supposed to taper down ever so slightly over a long time. if he is not ready to quit, then even if you demand money/let go of him, this may not work, however; i have seen "tough love" go a long way.

it mainly boils down to what he wants right now. if you supported him, helped him through treatment, and let him stay there, then you werent necessarily enabling him, i think you were a big help. but there comes a time when he has to decide if he really wants to quit, and if he is ready. and when/if he does, and gets over the physical part of WDs, then it would be a good time to go back to work (to stay occupied) and find support (NA/AA)

i'm sorry i dont have an easy answer, because there probably is not an easy way for this one. but i want you to know i dont think you were enabling, more like helping a loved one. enabling is giving him cash to score heroin off the street instead of trying to stay on the methadone. but i think he needs to make a decisive plan, and follow through.

good luck to you and yours

chefob1 · 09-06-2003, 10:43 AM

my guess is hes back on the junk...i was at one time and if hes not on the methadone hes most likely using some kind of opiate because he would be in w/d's after 8 months,thats for sure.....i do not agree with the pot smokin thing,sorry, thats just me...but i would tend to think if you were to talk to your son,the i hate your father thing is an excuse and it may be time to use your tough love and say no to him.....its a tough situation,i feel for you....the chef

bookmiser · 09-06-2003, 02:54 PM

i don't know if he is using again. i hope to god not. the reason i call myself an enabler is i have given him money for heroin, then after he switched to methodone, i paid for that too. all my husband and i wanted was after 8 months for him to find a job. any job. it doesn't matter that he owes us money or that he stole things from my home or anything. what bothers me is he has left home because of my "*****in" everyday about him not helping around the house, sleeping most of the day. then when he did get up, he hung out with friends all day until late at night. i took him everyday to the clinic and to speak to his sponser for 2 hours a month. now he doesn't want anything from me and it's driving me crazy that i have no control over him. all i want for him is to be happy. but when you are hanging by your fingernails, you don't go waving your arms. thanks for listening.

nomoreopiatesihope · 09-07-2003, 06:20 AM

yes, the pot thing may not be the way to go for everyone, but for myself, its been a big help for me.

there were times (with different drugs) that i know i was at the "edge", and whether it was smoking pot just so i would "lay things down for a while", or simply to mellow myself out so i would not go back out on the street "searching and scheeming".

even as a teenager (i'm 26 now) i would have just gotten done with a day or 2 of crack, my mind going 99m.p.h. wondering how to go score, and a little bud actually let me rest and be content with not having anything, even if only for that night.