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Old 04-07-2004, 06:43 PM   #1
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Murphy555 HB User
Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Hello

As you all know I've been worred about the valium taper all week. I was under the impression that I woul dbring my valium in (which I did) about 25 which could last 4-10 this past month (10s).

I'm always talking to the Dr. Assistant, and rarely see the Dr. I liked the Assistant until today when I felt as if I was put in a corner and and could not look at her, understand her, she was trying to tell me things that I knew more about here..no I'm not trying to just do it my way -- I don't iknow how to taper off of valium.

During the week, I guess they have meetings and talk, and she gave him the permission that I was out of out, consistently sounding drunk, she couldn't understand me; a lot of of that was because I was hysterical, trying to talk but could not. Part of it was because I did take too many valium that particular time when I told her.

Today all I know is that suddenly I hated her, didn't know what others things she said to the Dr. (they protect and support each other) and I feel like an outsider and I stated that. I felt that strongly today. My body went into this kind of desperation, that I have to kill myself now, because they're not going to taper me or that's the impression I got. OR I didn't understand what she was saying, not because I was incoherent but she was giving me the reasons that I did take them and the whys and I was talking about now - wanting to sign a contract - give them over, detox. Then she said something that didn't come up before. Now this makes sense to me -- that I would have to reduce my suboxone with this particular dose of valium. I know about that data. I'm taking 10mg, I woul d have cut it in half, but the way she put it, and then I glanced at her and she looked so cold, maybe It was me being the maniac.

Then I insisted on seeing the Dr. He agreed to see me for 10 minutes; all he had time for day. First topic he brought up was that I E-mailed him last night in response to his, and mentioned that I was completely out of it and inconherent (I have yet to reread them yet, so I will get back to you on that, but I will read it, and give you an honest assessment of how they came across. BUT, all week long, I've been telling his assistant how hung-over I was from taking too much valium, and it was problaby from the combo of the 2, so why should suddently this be stressed? Why? But in his 10 minutes talk with me, not once did he mention about cutting down the suboxone...I don't know why that's what he said what he did.

He left, and we were left alone. She asked me to think about it. Well, Ms. I don't have time to think about it. I have 25 valiums today. I though I knew what was going to happen today - a good thing, a positive thing - and now, what hapened? Could someone tell me?

I then started to cry, couldn't stop, and she said will you be safe tonight? (of course). I said yes angrily. She said well you have to look at me and tell me that. I looked at her and said yes,, got up and walked out. Maybe I will run out of benzos, have aconfulsion and die.

I said I would be willing to be monitored by outpatient, etc. but he was vague about that; she didn't seem to know anything about that as far as what I can do.

Inpatient hospital - I may wind up there by overdosing.

Jail - I may wind up there because I'm so scared to death of running out and having nothing and have already called them in somewhere and ordered them online but I don't now if they'll come in time.

(By the way, I don't want want to order more - I want to STOP.

Question by me --- did anyone here ever go through withdrawal? No. Well everyone once in awhile everybody goes through levels of withdrawal. Now let me ask you - have you gone through withdrawal and is it run of the mill withdrawal........

Oh God, I just wrote the Dr. and asked him point blank - I'm taking 6-10 valium for a month .. I want to stop...now...today....can you please help taper me. Last week everybody was up for it. Today, there's confusion that I don't understand.

Pray I don't die.

And I'm going to FAX everypost people write to the Dr. . .

I am so very sorry for writing so much, but I'm desperatea and suicidal. Sorry

Drs. really help you, don't they. They don't recognize that you are on the edge, and yet they will tell you to stay away from the computer if it triggers you, yet how I was backed in a corner today, I felt I was, I wish someone could have killed me.

 
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Old 04-07-2004, 07:50 PM   #2
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lisaaahubb HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murphy...you HAVE to listen to your doctors at this point. They ARE going to help you thru this. You have to be strong and take it minute by minute. I have been praying for you and thinking of you often....I am so worried about you! I really believe the suboxone mixed w/Valium is creating these "dark" moods/thoughts. You have to seek professional help from this point on. They are going to see you thru this, whether it is tapering out-patient or a week or so of inpatient. You have to remain strong. You gotta get outta this "funk" you are in....please, please try to hang in there.
luv,
LISA

 
Old 04-07-2004, 09:38 PM   #3
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

(((Lisssss)

Thank you.
Murphy

But something I don't get. By next week, I will be out of Valium. If I take 3/day which that is prettty good for me, I ve been lowering it, if I have nothing by next weel, how does one tape from nothing. It it not dangerous? I dont get it.

I am so sorry I started the suboxone with them now. I feel now (Spark) that I am at these people's mercy.

Tonight I E-mailed the Dr. asking some basic questions which he said was alright. He asked me if I could please E-mail "her" for 2 week for some reason, yeet "she told me she very rarely picked up E-mails; she doesn't know a thing about computers.

It bothers me that she hears what I have to say, who I am, he consults with her but he doesn't really know me; I don't have a say in anything in response to things and she has represented me on a few occasions. Part of it probably is I've had a nervous brakdown or something, but some things I know are correct, and something is ???

Murphy

 
Old 04-07-2004, 09:44 PM   #4
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John 808 HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murphy,

My addictionologist is the one who said taking sub and a benzo is illegal- whether that is true or not, I don't know. I think he feels so strongly against it, that he says that. But he says benzos (valium, xanax) ought to be banned. They are the absolute worst drug ever created. Mind you, I take .5mgs of Xanax daily and it help me wonderfully but there must be some truth to what he is saying.

I would be willing to bet the combo on the sub and that many valium just have you in a "black hole." Valiums are central nervous system depressants and taking that many would make anyone feel desperate and incohereant and possibly suicidal.

Please try to "push" your doctors into helping you taper down and if they won't find one that will. It is just to dangerous for you just to "stop." Could you possibly enter a short detox? Just worried about you and wonder what the "proper" step is to take.......

Hang in there and my prayers are with you. God bless,
Michelle

 
Old 04-08-2004, 05:02 AM   #5
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sadsister HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murph-
Please hold on-i have felt that desperation before.I have to deal w/ each day as a seperate entity..cos the depression is tough/and exhausting.
Im on the sub..and benzos..and i get very dark..and weird..morning is a good time for me but after i take my benzo im not as clear..so ive been taking half the dose..but i get panic feelings.
I told you of my sister/and valium..she was hospitalized-due to a breakdown cos of this.
Murphy stay strong-cos i believe this will pass-ive seen this before-in myself and my little sis..we came close to losing it all-but we are still here-and dealing w/ the depression/addiction.
Goddess bless you..
heather

 
Old 04-08-2004, 05:34 AM   #6
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Banker HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murph - I'm thinking of you this morning and praying for you. Have you gone to meetings? Would you consider meetings? Think about this... and yes, listen to your docs. The thing is - the documentation says that benzos and Sub TAKEN IN HIGH DOSES can lead to death. This is why your doc is saying to lower the Sub for a while. They are being careful. Do they understand how bad your depression is? Have you been completely honest?

I'll be thinking of you today and checking in.

Love,

Banker

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:05 AM   #7
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murphy - Your doctor sounds almost confused as to what you taking, yet you have told him...and you mentioned to us that last week he thought the taper was a good idea. Is it possible both of you misunderstood one another? He and his asst. may have gotten scared when they thought you were drinking (but I'm assuming you are not), and were not certain they were dealing with only the Valium and sub problem.

I feel so certain that the Valium (particularly in combination with the Sub) is responsible for much of your inability to think and speak and write clearly---and that it is causing you such overwhelming depression that you are dealing with a sort of "nervous breakdown" now. Valium did that to me, years ago!!! I never took it again.

Can you just try to sit down and make a list of what you take...at what time and at what dosage. (Like a diary day-log) And, in a separate list, what symptoms these drugs are causing (i.e., horrific depression, inability to think, speak, write, suicidal thoughts, etc...put these all down on the list.) Then, send it to the doctor...explain that because the Valium is affecting your thinking and speech--he may have trouble understanding just what you are trying to tell him. But send him that list with just a short note. Don't try long explanations when you are having so much trouble writing and thinking.

The most important thing right now is for your depression to be treated....and him taking you slowly off the drugs (thru detox or taper) is the right start. I can't imagine he means for you to just go from being addicted to Valium...to NO Valium in one day. Ask him if he will give you a WRITTEN plan as to how he is going to treat you. Then, even when your brain feels *****, you can refer to that list.

You are part of the "family "here--and this family is very worried about you. Please keep letting us know what is going on. (And a big hug to your kitties! My dog, Theo, is limping horribly...and has a vet appt. Monday (may be his hip--he's 9 years old and Lhasas tend to have hip problems as they age. Well--at least I know he did not get the limp from chasing your cats!! ) :-)

talk to ya soon, luv, Lynn

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:11 AM   #8
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User 205000 HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murphy, is there anyone, like a close friend or family member who clearly understands your situation, whom you could take to the doctor's office with you, who could assist you with communicating with the doctor? It seems to me, judging by your posts, that a lot is being lost in the translation on both sides. Perhaps this person could act as an advocate for you. Just a thought. Good luck.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:52 AM   #9
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Nikka HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Hey USER your idea is the best. An advocate sounds so needed for you Murphy. Maybe today you may find someone willing to do that for you. Baby steps. May God Bless you in your feelings of being in such a mess - I will pray for relief for you!!!

 
Old 04-08-2004, 11:32 AM   #10
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staceyy HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murph hey everyone has addressed the drug stuff so I will address the suisidal thoughts. It is not for you, you are much to strong to check out like that. you are family here we all love you and if we could be there to hold your hand through this we would. I am so besides my self surching for the right thing to say to you to give you hope because there is hope and help for this. suisidal thoughts are just that thoughts as long as that is where they stay have you talked to your doc may-be right now an anti depressant would help talk to your doc about the feelings you are having but make it clear that these feelings are real for you that what you are going through is real. detoxing from valuim can be deadly and some times you need to fource that down there throat to get them to listan an avocat is a great idea but stand up for your self be strong in what you belive what should happen to you for your detox don't back down don't show them weakness if you are assirtive you may find you get there attention this is how I have to be with my shrink. and after five years he really pays attention to my input on mt treat ment. I just want to tell you that you can do this hell if I can kick a 6 to 7 gram a day herion habit you can kick this s---!!!! Hang in there talk to us we all care for you so much and mine for you is as deep as the ocean and as round as the world my thoughts and prayers are for you today.
May my Goddess Be with you to day and be as loveing to you as she is with me.
Goddess and God Bless you
Stacey

 
Old 04-08-2004, 12:35 PM   #11
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

BANKER,
They are being careful.
****I don't know what they are being all I know is that I have been COMPLETELY HONEST about my depression. I called the psych on the cell phone at the time on the side of the ride and I was screaming that I was scared I was going to take my life, please help me, but each time I look at my life, help me. I have never cried so much in my whole life alone, in front of people, so much than I have in my whole life. I'm still scared to death, especially now.

But I think a lot of of my symptoms have been too many valiums -- I thought 1 mg klonopin (prescribed by Dr) was the same thing as 1mg valium when it was actually 10 times stronger, a lethal mistake I did realize.

I'll be thinking of you today and checking in.

Love,

Banker

 
Old 04-08-2004, 01:36 PM   #12
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Banker HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Murph - I really didn't mean to upset you. I apologize if I did. I just wish you could feel better so badly... I know you feel the same. Just remember, you WILL feel better and there is hope, even though you cannot see it. You WILL feel better.

We all care about you and love you,

B

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:13 PM   #13
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jorob HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

[QUOTE=Murphy555]Hello

I then started to cry, couldn't stop, and she said will you be safe tonight? (of course). I said yes angrily. She said well you have to look at me and tell me that. I looked at her and said yes,, got up and walked out. Maybe I will run out of benzos, have aconfulsion and die.

Hi Murph -

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I've been reading your posts and I'm a little confused on what your intentions are. People have been giving you advice but you seem to come up with excuses for everything said to you. You don't want to go to meetings. You keep reiterating that you want to save your pills up and overdose. You seem to be focusing quite a bit on the doctor and their attitude and what they won't do and then you keep writing that your suicidal.

In the clip above you said she asked you if you were safe and you said yes. I'm just wondering why you are telling these people that you are suicidal and you need to be put in the hospital. Once you are in the hospital they can help you with the drug issue.

If they won't put you in the hospital, you can walk in any emergency room and tell them you're suicidal and they will admit you. Just because this one doctor won't help doesn't mean that he is in such control that you can't go elsewhere for help.

I know your depressed and you are frustrated but the only person that can help you is yourself. You can't keep blaming other people, you need to stand up and take action.

I will send positive thoughts your way.

-Kathi

 
Old 04-08-2004, 06:39 PM   #14
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KIMBEE HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

Kathi, Yes i agree sometimes its time for us to stand up and take some action, I know its hard but this is your life, its prescious, try to remember we are here for you but you have to be there too! If you need help, ask for it, the doctors are there to help you, you have to be totally honest with them or they cant help. I cant imagine what your going through but my heart goes out you, please stay strong! Life is so worth living, dont give up! You are a very special person, when I first started posting here it was you and Hopefortodays posts that got me through.You are here for a reason, I truly believe that. Please know that your in my prayers.

 
Old 04-08-2004, 08:31 PM   #15
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Hopes turn to despair PLEASE friends, help

TWINLYNN - wanted to write back (I'll write when i can tomorrow) I'm shaking like like a leaf.

Murphy - Your doctor sounds almost confused as to what you taking, yet you have told him...and you mentioned to us that last week he thought the taper was a good idea. Is it possible both of you misunderstood one another?

*****You hit it on the nose.. There has been some misunderstanding somewhere and I think it's from Marcia. Or the dose. She told him I took 2 a day and I could take as much as 5 (10mg) valium a day. I think this worried him more - but the thing is - what difference does it matter what you are taking NOW -- the longer you wait - the MORE you are taking and prolonging taper. I was so anxious to begin. What did he think I was trying to do????

He and his asst. may have gotten scared when they thought you were drinking (but I'm assuming you are not), and were not certain they were dealing with only the Valium and sub problem.

*****NO.....I never drink. Not a problem there. Unless continued with my original plan.

I feel so certain that the Valium (particularly in combination with the Sub) is responsible for much of your inability to think and speak and write clearly---and that it is causing you such overwhelming depression that you are dealing with a sort of "nervous breakdown" now. Valium did that to me, years ago!!! I never took it again.


****As I have heard from so many people today Linn....I can't write well, walk, concentrate, nothing....so why should the Dr. be surprised from the week before when this should be expected when those are taken at once. i just don't get it. Some people slur words taking 1 10 valium, Imagine taking 5 10 valium and combining it with valiium. I can't remember words...it's awful. And it's coming on now, I can feel it.

Can you just try to sit down and make a list of what you take...at what time and at what dosage. (Like a diary day-log) And, in a separate list, what symptoms these drugs are causing (i.e., horrific depression, inability to think, speak, write, suicidal thoughts, etc...put these all down on the list.) Then, send it to the doctor...explain that because the Valium is affecting your thinking and speech--he may have trouble understanding just what you are trying to tell him.

****He's having me do EXACTLY that this week but more so like, how many did you take, what time, why did you feel you had to take it, what could you have thought of istead of taking it, how did it make you feel, how do you feel in the morning (with everthing I put in my body?) vitamins? I'm educated. I know the whole meeting thing. I know about substituting mechanisms. BUT, I left last appointment on Thursday, with 21 valium (after 180 in a month, long story) They'll be gone very very soon. Then what do I do. You're not supposed to just stop? I know that. I
'm sure he knows that. Got, I wish he could read what everyone has to say here. And the thing is, I think HE is SMART, very smart ....Marcia....I like her as I would a friend. I have already told her, herself, that I felt she talked over me alot and it made me feel uncomfortable in our relationship. I had a real good one until I went to the suboxone Dr. to which she was related so I was stuck with her for awhile, and I thought I'd give her a chance.

But send him that list with just a short note. Don't try long explanations when you are having so much trouble writing and thinking.

***I want to think clearly, and when I do write a story. I've already started it about addiction and fear and suicide and just fear of withdrawal can make you choose suicide. And valium, I also never took valium in this quantity, and I'm astonished.

The most important thing right now is for your depression to be treated....and him taking you slowly off the drugs (thru detox or taper) is the right start.


****Then why couldn't he have started yesterday. Tomorrow, I will send you 2 E-mails (short) from him It will show you how one week changed to another and it's hart to understand. I am working on getting into different things.
Lynn, I want to talk to you more, but I honestly can't... I just can't.

I will be working on this all day long and TRY to get to the boards and write.

And I belive you have all saved my life so far.

You are wonderful,, wonderful people and if I go, Id be proud to think that there are such wonderful people in this world after all

Murphy

 
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