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Old 04-21-2004, 12:07 PM   #1
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Murphy555 HB User
Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Hello,

For those who know my story, the day I was going into the hospital with the thought that the arrangent that I was going to be working OUTPATIENT along with the Dr. and his Assistant who I can't say what she is here; she invormed me that I can't because the Dr. has contracts and stuff I need to sign (the one who wanted me to call the internet, etc). At that point, I thought I was going to pass out because it was supposed to be set up.

I asked, ok, I'll sign the contract, is there anywhere I can sign it where the Dr. is. She said he's off, and she doesn't have enough time!!! Meanwhile, we've been talking about this 2 weeks that I have to get off this drug, valium, afraid of hospitals, they just want your money, and then they want more in all these aftercare programs.

I emphasize OUTPATIENT - because from the beginning - from the "intake" and I remember this woman - nice woman. She directed me across the street where the program was for me to participate and my chosen counselor, was with a patient. the only and I do mean ONLY compassionate Dr. I've spoken to all this time saw my frenzy and knocked on her door and told her I was there.

She shouts out her door - tell her now that she needs to go to "intake" ER and sign up for INPATIENT DETOXIFICATION. I could not get any anwers. I was sooo tired. I was hit (no it was not me, I was sitting still both times) 2x in 15 minutes. I think what happens is people go numb because I was just numb and I was dealing with 2 kids who were kicking my car until the police came.

Anyway, I feel at this point that I was going to be so glad to reach the hospital and start as planned for and give them my valium and let the devils go. So many bad things have happened since I've taken them.

A million things were going through my mind - If I had had zero valium at the time, I would have had no choice. I felt cornered. Since I did, I wanted time to think about it; another hospital? get information how come I signed up for intake for ONE thing and then the last day got quite another. Is that normally planned because they figure people are not going to want to come in.

Well I DON"T want to be stuck in their hospital again. Late at night I exploded couldn't take the pressure anymore and started sobbing/screaming on the phone with a friend who were about to do a 5150 on me because they have never hear me like that. Neither have I! And it's the buildup of what I feel within me of me against the world.

***
There is something but I'm thinking about it just to get around this bureucracy.There is an Outpatient Clinic, free, that will detox me from valium, but since I'm taking "suboxone" (program run by Marcia) they would have to DETOX me off the suboxone at the same time. It sounds like hell to me, but it if were doable, tolerable, I would be drug free, completely, not have to go into the hospital and rethink suboxone because I no longer want Marcia to be my counselor. She said she didn't have,. because I had another new one at the time, just 1X/month for evaluation, etc.

I bet she'd say she never said that, that now, I would be required to see her once a month and if I said no, she discontinue me from a suboxone program. Can she just do that?????

God and friends, hep me, I'm in a living hell here.

Murphy

 
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Old 04-21-2004, 01:54 PM   #2
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy - unfortunately, I don't have time to write anything long--but just want to say that your story of how the medical system has failed you is unbelievable. If you weren't worried about losing the doctor, this would be just the sort of story that a newspaper might follow up. This is our health-care system in "action." And, it's been a total failure for you. I really think you should try to find a patient advocate service (anything in the Yellow Pages?) I don't know how to go about getting one--but you could try a Google search. You need one person following this up with you--nobody seems to be listening...no one knows what the next one is doing. You are getting "bits and pieces" of healthcare. It is not your fault....and I know how horrible this must be for you. Wish I could tell you more....but I would definitely look to see if there's a patient advocate program. talk to you tomorrow, Lynn

 
Old 04-21-2004, 06:40 PM   #3
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy - unfortunately, I don't have time to write anything long--but just want to say that your story of how the medical system has failed you is unbelievable. If you weren't worried about losing the doctor, this would be just the sort of story that a newspaper might follow up. This is our health-care system in "action." And, it's been a total failure for you. I really think you should try to find a patient advocate service (anything in the Yellow Pages?) I don't know how to go about getting one--but you could try a Google search. You need one person following this up with you--nobody seems to be listening...no one knows what the next one is doing. You are getting "bits and pieces" of healthcare. It is not your fault....and I know how horrible this must be for you. Wish I could tell you more....but I would definitely look to see if there's a patient advocate program. talk to you tomorrow, Lynn
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Linn,
Great advice. When you wrote media, I thought - why not media? But then I'd have my names all over the newspapeers . But I will be looking for patient advocacy groups tomorrow. Then all fo this work after all of this pressure feels so tiring that you give in.

I'm supposed to talk to a Medical Director of an outpatient clinic Friday to see if they could detox me while I am on suboxone as it could be tricky, but he's kind and he heres the desperation in my voice.

And my friends almost did a 5150 on me last night, because I was relaying what happened and so emotional and it's not good to be TO emotional. So I had to play yet another role..

Linn, Please read my post earlier about how everybody is doing. I have some comments.

Also, I feel in limbo, I don't have a life. And I tend to worry in advance. What do I do about Marcia after whataver happens happens. Well at least I was brave enough to call her unprofessional and I have no qualms about that but she IS the head of the suboxone program. I believe the Dr. is her son, there are always the same kids yelling in the background when I'm calling.

Is there a use if there's is nothing you can do about it. Should I have a convulsion and die so that they'lll think twice about turning one person away from help when they were there read to participate.

I also called my insurance company and asked them to help me .... I told them hospitals scare the death out of me.

Murphy

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:00 PM   #4
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy - I wish I could tell you an easy answer. I agree w/Lynn and I'm glad you have someone else you can call on Friday. However, you have said many times that you need in patient. That you didn't think out patient would work with your depression as well. Are you sure you can't tolerate in patient? And heck, why not take them up on the Suboxone detox? It's just something for you to think about. The only reason I'm saying this is because it's like bad medicine - even though we don't like it, it could save our lives. Just as the hospital could save your life. I just want you to think about what's best for you in the long run - not just today. I know it's hard for you. And what do you mean people were kicking your car? What in the hell happened? This has gone on too long - you've got to get some relief from this depression and run around that you are getting from your doc's assistant. What is her deal? I just don't understand what is going on. Can you make an appt. w/the doctor and bring your friend w/you. This way - you will have a witness. I brought a friend to my Sub doctor and I promise you, he actually was more honest that day and treated me with more respect. Of course, he talked to HER the whole time about what Suboxone would do to me rather than ME but it still worked. You need someone to go w/you to these appointments. Will your friend do this?

 
Old 04-21-2004, 07:08 PM   #5
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TomsWife HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murphy555
Hello,

For those who know my story, the day I was going into the hospital with the thought that the arrangent that I was going to be working OUTPATIENT along with the Dr. and his Assistant who I can't say what she is here; she invormed me that I can't because the Dr. has contracts and stuff I need to sign (the one who wanted me to call the internet, etc). At that point, I thought I was going to pass out because it was supposed to be set up.

I asked, ok, I'll sign the contract, is there anywhere I can sign it where the Dr. is. She said he's off, and she doesn't have enough time!!! Meanwhile, we've been talking about this 2 weeks that I have to get off this drug, valium, afraid of hospitals, they just want your money, and then they want more in all these aftercare programs.

I emphasize OUTPATIENT - because from the beginning - from the "intake" and I remember this woman - nice woman. She directed me across the street where the program was for me to participate and my chosen counselor, was with a patient. the only and I do mean ONLY compassionate Dr. I've spoken to all this time saw my frenzy and knocked on her door and told her I was there.

She shouts out her door - tell her now that she needs to go to "intake" ER and sign up for INPATIENT DETOXIFICATION. I could not get any anwers. I was sooo tired. I was hit (no it was not me, I was sitting still both times) 2x in 15 minutes. I think what happens is people go numb because I was just numb and I was dealing with 2 kids who were kicking my car until the police came.

Anyway, I feel at this point that I was going to be so glad to reach the hospital and start as planned for and give them my valium and let the devils go. So many bad things have happened since I've taken them.

A million things were going through my mind - If I had had zero valium at the time, I would have had no choice. I felt cornered. Since I did, I wanted time to think about it; another hospital? get information how come I signed up for intake for ONE thing and then the last day got quite another. Is that normally planned because they figure people are not going to want to come in.

Well I DON"T want to be stuck in their hospital again. Late at night I exploded couldn't take the pressure anymore and started sobbing/screaming on the phone with a friend who were about to do a 5150 on me because they have never hear me like that. Neither have I! And it's the buildup of what I feel within me of me against the world.

***
There is something but I'm thinking about it just to get around this bureucracy.There is an Outpatient Clinic, free, that will detox me from valium, but since I'm taking "suboxone" (program run by Marcia) they would have to DETOX me off the suboxone at the same time. It sounds like hell to me, but it if were doable, tolerable, I would be drug free, completely, not have to go into the hospital and rethink suboxone because I no longer want Marcia to be my counselor. She said she didn't have,. because I had another new one at the time, just 1X/month for evaluation, etc.

I bet she'd say she never said that, that now, I would be required to see her once a month and if I said no, she discontinue me from a suboxone program. Can she just do that?????

God and friends, hep me, I'm in a living hell here.

Murphy
Murphy,
I am a lurker here, my name is Marilyn and I am an alcoholic. Your posts are scaring me as they/you are very incoherant.
Why are you so afraid of hospitals? Arent you scared enough to get help? I work for a hospital and we arent mean people at all. Most of us are careing people with enough of our own problems, thats what makes us want to help others.
I guess what I am saying here is that you have to take a stand and take responsability for your addiction. You seem to be blaming you Dr?/Marcia for you problems.
I am sorry to be so blunt but thats what I have been feeling since I have been reading your posts.
__________________
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A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 04-21-2004, 08:14 PM   #6
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomsgirl
Murphy,
I am a lurker here, my name is Marilyn and I am an alcoholic. Your posts are scaring me as they/you are very incoherant.
Why are you so afraid of hospitals? Arent you scared enough to get help? I work for a hospital and we arent mean people at all. Most of us are careing people with enough of our own problems, thats what makes us want to help others.
I guess what I am saying here is that you have to take a stand and take responsability for your addiction. You seem to be blaming you Dr?/Marcia for you problems.
I am sorry to be so blunt but thats what I have been feeling since I have been reading your posts.
You are caring people yet you come on the board not walking in my shoes for the past 2 weeks to tell me they my posts are incoherent??? I reread my post, and I didn't find it to be incoherent, yet a few weeks ago when I was taking valiums and more valiums, I admitted to that, but why is it scaring you that you think this post is incoherent. May I point out to you that on the first sentence of your post "incoherAnt" is spelled incoherent. Second, I type 100 wpm and I've been trying to ..and well never mind because I'm hurting, and I'm not going to defend your feeling that my post is incoherent. That's really caring, helpful. In what way.

Nobody said people in hospitals were "mean" - you said that. I said I didn't want to go inpatient as in MY experience, with agorophobia you feel lik you're going to die which makes the problems worse.

I've taken responsibility for my addiction 6 months ago by walking into a Drs. Office and getting on suboxone and plan to wean off. And I'm trying to take responsibility now by seeking treatment the way I fee most safe and secure.

I'm not blaming Marcia for anything, but she HAS done and said a few unprofessional things like suggesting order more valium from the internet. Now I'm trying to get help and was doing great right before the valium episode which another Dr. told me it didn't make much sent to go inpatient given the amount I've taken. Are you a Dr.?

Now could I please ask you to leave me alone. I'm in a bad enough state as it is. So respectfully, please don't respond to my posts. They lack compassion, understanding, like Linn's (without the coddling) Thank god for the Linns in the world. How is my coherence this time?
Murphy

 
Old 04-21-2004, 08:35 PM   #7
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TomsWife HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murphy555
You are caring people yet you come on the board not walking in my shoes for the past 2 weeks to tell me they my posts are incoherent??? I reread my post, and I didn't find it to be incoherent, yet a few weeks ago when I was taking valiums and more valiums, I admitted to that, but why is it scaring you that you think this post is incoherent. May I point out to you that on the first sentence of your post "incoherAnt" is spelled incoherent. Second, I type 100 wpm and I've been trying to ..and well never mind because I'm hurting, and I'm not going to defend your feeling that my post is incoherent. That's really caring, helpful. In what way.

Nobody said people in hospitals were "mean" - you said that. I said I didn't want to go inpatient as in MY experience, with agorophobia you feel lik you're going to die which makes the problems worse.

I've taken responsibility for my addiction 6 months ago by walking into a Drs. Office and getting on suboxone and plan to wean off. And I'm trying to take responsibility now by seeking treatment the way I fee most safe and secure.

I'm not blaming Marcia for anything, but she HAS done and said a few unprofessional things like suggesting order more valium from the internet. Now I'm trying to get help and was doing great right before the valium episode which another Dr. told me it didn't make much sent to go inpatient given the amount I've taken. Are you a Dr.?

Now could I please ask you to leave me alone. I'm in a bad enough state as it is. So respectfully, please don't respond to my posts. They lack compassion, understanding, like Linn's (without the coddling) Thank god for the Linns in the world. How is my coherence this time?
Murphy
mrfy,
I am sorry if my post to you was not what you wanted to hear. And, I am not the best speller either. Either way, I am still worried about you.
__________________
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Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

 
Old 04-22-2004, 12:24 AM   #8
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy - I didn't realize a doc told you that because of your short term valium use, you didn't need inpatient. That's an important factor. Hopefully, this doctor on Friday can help you... Honestly though - how far did you wean down on the valium? How many are you taking a day now and emotionally (other than being VERY angry at Marcia and the doc) how are you feeling? If I'm not mistaken, you got really low didn't you?
Just let us know how you are doing, K? You KNOW we care about you!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 12:52 AM   #9
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chefob1 HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

555...dont be so defensive...i agree with the post too...its just that we dont know your whole situation from front to back...you just jump around in your thoughts when your typin them down....you can see from reading your posts that youve got some issues that need to be resolved in your life and i think its great that you come here for support....i think folks would like to offer some advice but get miinformed..heck,i dont know who marcia was until the last post.....is it just valium/benzos that you are in need of sharing?...as far as your doc thing goes with his asst...why dont you just blow that off,dont let it bother you,like you dont have enough problems anyways and find a new doc/facility to help with your needs......i dont mean to offend ya but do you know where i am coming from as far as your jumping in/out around topics go?....and im am concerned about your health also...chef

 
Old 04-22-2004, 01:04 AM   #10
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

i went back and reread your last post...i wouldnt know what kind of advice to offer you based on it...do you want to quit valiums?you second questioned it...should i stay or should i go?...the nurse probably doesnt know what to advize either....kids kickin your car door..was that outside the hospital?...inpatient/outpatient....do i have enough valiums left...left for what?..are you checking in to get help or are you leaving cause you only have a few valiums left to hoard and you dont think its a good idea to get help...just yet...and from these folks...i dont know....should i......slow down for a minute there girl.........take things slow and easy...make rational decisions....when i was on bupenorphine,it would make me kinda jumpy......when you say you were hit?what does that mean?...2 times.....

 
Old 04-22-2004, 06:56 AM   #11
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy - I am still totally mystified how a doctor and his assistant could have the nerve to tell you to show up for an outpatient program--and then when you get there--tell you they're not ready for you yet. Did you have any papers or anything that was signed by them...indicating you were to start this program on Monday? Something to show an advocate if you need one? To prove they were not serious about the date they supposedly set up for you??

Your situation is so complex--even if you were feeling in the BEST of mental health--which you are not. I just think you so badly need someone to assist you get the help you need. And other than an advocate...I don't know what to else to suggest. You also need a doctor (and I hope you find one in this Friday appt.) who will discuss with you the pros and cons of getting off the Suboxone the same time as the Valium.) I just cannot imagine handling all these details if I were feeling as you do right now. I really feel so badly for you.... Please let me know how tomorrow's appt. goes...and if that more compassionate doctor is of any help. (I'm at work today, so it's harder to write longer messages on this board.) love to you, Lynn

 
Old 04-22-2004, 07:20 AM   #12
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Murphy, I hope you are having a better day today. I do hope you can get some relief soon. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily, things will get better!! Hang in there!!

 
Old 04-22-2004, 09:03 AM   #13
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinlynn
Murphy - I am still totally mystified how a doctor and his assistant could have the nerve to tell you to show up for an outpatient program--and then when you get there--tell you they're not ready for you yet. Did you have any papers or anything that was signed by them...indicating you were to start this program on Monday? Something to show an advocate if you need one? To prove they were not serious about the date they supposedly set up for you??

Your situation is so complex--even if you were feeling in the BEST of mental health--which you are not. I just think you so badly need someone to assist you get the help you need. And other than an advocate...I don't know what to else to suggest. You also need a doctor (and I hope you find one in this Friday appt.) who will discuss with you the pros and cons of getting off the Suboxone the same time as the Valium.) I just cannot imagine handling all these details if I were feeling as you do right now. I really feel so badly for you.... Please let me know how tomorrow's appt. goes...and if that more compassionate doctor is of any help. (I'm at work today, so it's harder to write longer messages on this board.) love to you, Lynn

 
Old 04-22-2004, 10:37 AM   #14
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Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

Brenda...oops I meant Murphy - your posts are clearly not of a "sane" mindset and you take offense to anyone who offers any kind of response other than a sugar coated poor you answer. Not sure what it is you expect of this board but you've been screaming for "help" for a while now but don't want to follow suggestions. You're not going to find your answers here, it is quite clear that you need professional help which is ALL IN YOUR HANDS. You can blame the doctors, their assistants, etc... but the bottom line is IT IS ULTIMATELY IN YOUR HANDS...NOT THEIRS. If you truly want off your pitty pot and want help then it is up to you...not this board...not the "uncaring doctors" you've been dealing with. There ARE places that can help you other than what you've been dealing with.

BOTTOM LINE IS...IT IS YOUR DECISION TO STOP YOUR PITY PARTY AND STOP ACCUSING ANYONE OF BEING UNCARING WHEN THEY TELL YOU WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

Yeah I'm sure I'll be blasted for this post and possibly even banned but I really don't care and it's not because I'm uncaring. The writting is on the wall and you refuse to see it or deal with it. There is only so much that the people on this board can do and only so long that they can keep saying "poor murphy - isn't it just terrible what you're going through." You're not the first and won't be the last but ultimately it's all up to you.

 
Old 04-22-2004, 10:50 AM   #15
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no patience HB User
Re: Is It Me?? It Must Be. Please. I Need You.

[QUOTE=Angel of Mercy]Brenda...oops I meant Murphy - your posts are clearly not of a "sane" mindset and you take offense to anyone who offers any kind of response other than a sugar coated poor you answer. Not sure what it is you expect of this board but you've been screaming for "help" for a while now but don't want to follow suggestions. You're not going to find your answers here, it is quite clear that you need professional help which is ALL IN YOUR HANDS. You can blame the doctors, their assistants, etc... but the bottom line is IT IS ULTIMATELY IN YOUR HANDS...NOT THEIRS. If you truly want off your pitty pot and want help then it is up to you...not this board...not the "uncaring doctors" you've been dealing with. There ARE places that can help you other than what you've been dealing with.

BOTTOM LINE IS...IT IS YOUR DECISION TO STOP YOUR PITY PARTY AND STOP ACCUSING ANYONE OF BEING UNCARING WHEN THEY TELL YOU WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

Yeah I'm sure I'll be blasted for this post and possibly even banned but I really don't care and it's not because I'm uncaring. The writting is on the wall and you refuse to see it or deal with it. There is only so much that the people on this board can do and only so long that they can keep saying "poor murphy - isn't it just terrible what you're going through." You're not the first and won't be the last but ultimately it's all up to you.[/QUOTE

Last edited by no patience; 04-22-2004 at 10:51 AM. Reason: REPLYED TO WRONG ONE

 
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