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Old 04-25-2004, 04:31 PM   #1
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Location: Chicago Ridge,Illinois
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Hope12 HB User
Falling down

And going down hard.I'm fighting relapse with every thread of my being right now.My mind constantly racing,I can't seem to catch up.Trying to organize and fix everything in my past,but as soon as I get one thing accomplished,10 other horrible things hit.Some serious suicidal thoughts this past week,don't know why,where they came from,or what precipitated all of this.Suddenly,the world is banging at my door,and I can't make everyone happy all at once,I'm still trying to work on me.God,I don't even know if I'm making sense right now,I'm just trying to reach out and vocalize what I've been feeling,since I've completely isolated myself and can't even bring myself to leave my house,not even to walk my dog.I don't fell safe anywhere,have such a horrible sense of impending doom,and can't figure out what it is.I'm calling my doctor tomorrow,and have a dentist appt. tomorrow for a freakin infection that seems to have taken over my whole mouth.I've fought taking any narcotics and have been taking loads of advil and anaprox for pain,which in turn has caused horrible bleeding from my stomach that doesn't seem to want to slow down.Maybe that's why I've been feeling so wiggy,and possibly the high amount of antibiotics I've been on?? I just don't know.I DO know that I absolutely feel like I'm coming unglued at the seams.I can't get my insides to quiet down,my anxiety level is thru the roof.If I could just "identify" the stressor,I could take steps to help myself.I just don't know where this is all coming from.
Okay,this has been a vent.Someone tell me this too, shall pass.And soon.Because if it doesn't,I am surely going to go completely insane.I'm trying to get myself back on the boards and talking,because I haven't had the motivation or intestinal fortitude to get myself off the couch for the entire week.The devil seems so close.
Peace,Stacie

 
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Old 04-25-2004, 04:38 PM   #2
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StarToo HB User
Re: Falling down

Stacie, I have felt exactly the way you are feeling and I understand you. It will pass, but you may need help along with time. Put yourself first right now. Everyone will wait. If you have a good relationship with your dr., call him now. He will understand and help you. I feel the emotion in your post and just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Star

 
Old 04-25-2004, 04:41 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: New York
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Best Friend HB User
Re: Falling down

Oh Stacie! I was just going offline and saw your post. Please call your doctor. If you are suffering from an infection, it may well be affecting you in emotional as well as physical ways. I had an internal infection a couple of years ago and its effects were overwhelming until medication helped enormously. Hang in there till tomorrow and be sure and contact your doctor. You have been so wonderful to me and others on this Board and we will help you through this. See if you can get some sleep for now....sleep is restorative. Will talk more tomorrow. Love you, Stacie.........
TwinAlice

 
Old 04-25-2004, 05:54 PM   #4
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staceyy HB User
Re: Falling down

Stacie, My name sake. Girl things do that they spirill for no reason at all. I here you trying to make every one eles happy forget them you need to be happy you take your dog for a walk get some air. breath. Things aren't as bad as you think they are all thou you see them falling apart right now put things in prospective one thing at a time you first though get to the doc and get thing okay with that you might start feeling better remember we'er here if you need us.
Goddess Bless
Stacey

Last edited by staceyy; 04-25-2004 at 05:54 PM.

 
Old 04-25-2004, 06:16 PM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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rosietee HB User
Re: Falling down

Oh my god, Stacie, hang in there. We do love you. Just so you know, I have had antibiotics affect me weirdly I thought in an emotional way and one college friend who felt the same, but have never seen any scientific validation of this. But if we feel it, it is real and that is enough. Sometimes they figure things out later, like with Accutane, they found it could cause depression.

I have to run to a meeting, and will be quite late, but hang in there, see your doctor, and keep us posted!

rosie

 
Old 04-25-2004, 06:38 PM   #6
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dschne HB User
Re: Falling down

I also once had a infection in my whole mouth it sucked,dentist sent me to and oral surgion and he gave me some kind of mouth rinse that walgreens had to make for me but it worked took about 3 days also they make mouth rinses that help over the counter stuff.hang in there im praying for you.Also I am brand new to this but really know how that mouth thing feels I really feel for you hang in there girl.
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daniel

 
Old 04-25-2004, 08:28 PM   #7
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Hope12 HB User
Re: Falling down

Hey everybody-Thank you so much for responding-I needed to hear your kind words.Staceyy-so glad you're still around,hadn't seen you for awhile,and you don't know how much I appreciate you saying you're all here if I need you-I think I do right now.What I've been going thru is overwhelming-the feelings,the things I just can't control.
Alice-what a heart you have-it really means something to me that you actually took the time when you're running out the door to let me know you're there,and listening.I love both you and your wonderful twin.
Star-thank you so much for telling me you know what I'm feeling-I really have been thinking I'm riding the edge here-it's comforting to know someone else knows where I'm at.
Rosie-I'm so happy for you,even though I haven't been keeping up a lot this past week,I know you're just out of rehab(?),and you've had an extremely difficult road to travel.I think I'm jealous,looking back,I think I actually enjoyed the detox process and the challenge of staying clean-just goes to show the state of mind I'M in!!I feel kind of bad I didn't post to you before you went because I meant to,but since my moments of clarity seem to be few and far between recently,I wasn't able to collect my thoughts enough to say the things I wanted to.Just want to let you know that I was thinking about you,and sending prayers your way(that's about the ONLY thing I've been able to do!!)Congratulations to you,and thank you for being here for ME!!
Dschne-or Daniel??-Thank you for responding,I'm kind of thinking whatever this infection is,it's making me a little(okay,a lot) batty.And welcome to this board,this is the best place ever,with the greatest people EVER on it,as I think you can tell.I'm sorry I don't know your story yet,and as soon as I start resembling something human again,I will be happy to help or talk or do whatever I can for you.
I've been feeling just so overwhelmed lately,and I know Alice,you started that thread about reasons to get clean.I remember when I posted on it,I had a few really good days going-I wish I could feel that way right now.I see two of my boys slipping away from me right now,and I am so afraid for them with the inherent risk they have for drug abuse and addiction.I will go into that maybe later on a different thread,but it's one of my biggest challenges for me at the moment,and that worry on top of my OWN struggle to stay clean is a little hard for me to handle.I feel like I'm in a major tailspin,getting ready to crash and burn-literally.I am just SOOO tired,drained,so unsure if I can make it thru this much longer.I'm tired of fighting,but I don't want to be.There just doesn't seem to be much left inside of me.I'm about all fought out.There's just so MUCH I can't seem to deal with!!I KNOW running back to drugs isn't the answer-but God-I'd do anything for just a LITTLE relief right now.Quiet those demons that are SCREAMING at the top of their lungs inside me right now,just make things go away so I can breathe for a while.When did that become so much to ask??? I guess when I chose drugs as an outlet,instead of acting like all those other "normal" people,right??
Staceyy-I'm gonna go ahead and take my poor dog out for a walk.He has never given up on me,never leaves my side.Never complains,never calls me names,is always glad to see me for some reason.I'm not a failure in his eyes-poor thing,if only he knew.
Uh-oh,major pity pot time.Yep,taking another one of my increasingly frequent dips straight to the bottom of it-again.
Everyone, thank you so much or being here(I've heard some posters complaing about the "sugarcoatig that goes on in here,so I'll try to keep it brief,before I end up sending us ALL running to the dentist)I've said it before,but I'm gonna say it again.I don't think everybody realizes how good it feels to get responses to your posts,how much it really means.It really DOES make a difference-because to be totally honest,right now at this moment,I feel a little better knowing that you guys are here,that you have all taken a little time out of your life to get back to me,to let me know you're behind me.I'm hanging in there till tomorrow,in hopes that I'll get some kind of relief or answers from one of the dr.'s.Everybody,thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.Just o take ths one step further,I have to say hey-I'm feeling the love (EEEEWWWW)-actually though,I really am.Now come on,how else can I put it???Love you guys,I'll let you know what happens.

Peace and Love,Stacie

 
Old 04-26-2004, 07:15 AM   #8
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Falling down

Stacie - I'm so sorry things are so awful. Like my sister, I hope you will call and tell you doctor about your sudden overstress and emotions....and exactly what you are experiencing. I, too, have had such depressive reactions to antibiotics that I'd rather wait out the flu, than take them!!! You are describing reactions and emotions that sound like they may be caused by something physically happening (ie the infection) in your body.

We are always here for you....I am so sorry you are feeling so awful now. Your mind and your body needs rest. And your sweet, loving dog will be happy to wait for his walk until you are able to take it with him! :-) love, Lynn

 
Old 04-27-2004, 04:19 AM   #9
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sadsister HB User
Re: Falling down

Hope-
Read your post and wanted to tell you to please get to the doc and get some help-you shouldn't be in so much pain.(emotionally/physically).
When i get sick(really ill)..i get really wigged out/and my mind races..relapse/suicide/etc..bad things..and its awful.I can't take my own head-and of course,being an addict i seek relief..w/ drugs.Well- i did-until i went on suboxone.
Mouth pain can really make a sane person-insane..call dr./and if nesscecery change antibiotics..
Other than that-everything gonna be alright-dog/housework/etc..i understand the dog "guilt"..im a dog-mommy myself..and i always get worried hes depressed.
Hold on-we are all rallying round..your supporters are right here.
Heather

 
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