My name is Brenda, I just realized I had not formally introduced myself.
I am on Day 2 of a detox/taper.
I don't knw where to begin or how much to share. I am afraid this is going to get long, please bear with me.
NO ONE knows about my addiction. I want that clear from the start. I am a Mom of two toddlers...beautiful little boys, and have a great husband. I am an educated (computer programmer), attractive Mom, and have a Home/Internet based business. I am 3 classes away from a second degree in Computer technology. I have taken a break from classes as of last semester. Had to due to the hydro usage. The point here is that No one would be the wiser to my addiction. I amg guessing that is true of many of us.
I took hydro for pain managment in Dec through April of 03. That time I realized the hydro completely lifted my depression that I have fought the last 15 years! More so than ANY anti-depressant I had been on, and I have been on many.
That time I took between 2.5 to 7.5 mg. every 4-5 hours. A total of about 25-30 mg. a day.
In April the pain I was having diminished and I reduced my hydro intake and then switched to darvocette for a few months. I knew nothing of the addictive qualitities of this drug.
You see... I thought of addictions as alcohol, cocaine, heroin. NOT a prescription I got from my Doctor. Yes, I knew I could become Mentally dependant, not physically.
I began taking hydro again around August of 03. This time through Op's and in larger quntities.
In short, I have been taking and escalating number of hydro's; as of last week 18-25 pillls a day (10/325's) for 8-9 months.
My Quit history involves the below:
I quit once last year...I think in November for 2 weeks.
That time was cold turkey and lasted about 10-14 days. The w/d were not unbearable. Very much fluish, but the cravings never went away and the I don't think the w/d were quite finished when I began using again. The w/d did diminish, but mentally I never got to the alert state.
I began searching for a way to quit in March.
Funny enough, I posted I was quitting on a message board that I used to 'get' my drugs. They directed me here.
Since early March I have been through 2 w/d's. The first I could not wake up. I know that is the opposite as everyone else, not sleeping. I could not keep my eyes open at all for 3 days. I caved on the 3rd day. I was jsut so fatigued all the time.
The second time I used temgesic.Which is a much weaker, foreign version of subutex (buprenorphine) I made it to ablout 36 hours and then was hit with VIOLENT w/d's. The first 36 hours I was doing yardwork, cleaning, carrying on quite normally. Just felt a little under the weather. When the w/d hit they hit hard and fast.
I layed Naked on the bathroom floor shivering and vomiting for about 4 hours. Then I was in bed wiht tremors, muscle aches nauseau/vomiting cold sweats, headache, etc. for about 24 hours. I had a heating pad I would alternate from wrapped around my legs, to my back, to the other leg, etc. I was really in a 'stupor' and not fully concious of what was going on around me. When I began to wake up a little I found heaps of clothes I had pulled off, after I had sweated them wet.
I made it to day 4.5 to 5. Yep, then started using again. I had to get on with life, I couldn't stay in bed another day.
I started only taking 1-2 to fight off the end of the w/d's. It didn't take long to be back where I started. This was 4 weeks ago.
Okay the week before last, I made the decision to taper. Tapered down to 12 a day from 22. in 4 days.
That weekend I went hog wild and went through 65 pills in 3 days.
So Last Monday morning I again started a search on a way for me to be done with these pills. This time I am more commited. I just feel this time HAS to work or I will die. Literally, I will die if I don't get off these pills.
How can that be my legacy? Leave a 1 YO and 3 YO with no mom, knowing thier mom chose narcotics over them. No way.
So here I am. Last Monday-Thursday I tapered and took some temgesic to try and help the taper. Saturday I slipped and I went back up to 12 pills.
So I consider yesterday day one again.
I have a few temgesic and took 4 yesterday morning. I also took 4.5 hydro.
Today I have taken 1.5 Norco and 3 temgesic. I have 2 more temgesic that I will take this afternoon. Other than that I am just trying to take the minimum hydro I can, w/o getting severe w/d.
To those unaware, the temgesic is a weak version of the US subutex. It is buprenorphine in .2 mg tablets. While the US version is 2 to 8 mg.: Note here it is .2 mg, not 2 mg. So there is a HUGE difference.
I have an appt for an evaluation at a Bupe Clinic (the local Med University) tomorrow Morning. I made this appt a week ago and my plan was to try to get clean before then. Obviously it hasn't worked, so I am going to keep the appt. However, I don't know how long it will be before I get on the Subutex, if I get on the subutex. Most people told me they started the same day, however I am not actaully seeing the Doc tomorrow, just be evaluated for candicacy. So I think it may be a week or more before I get in. That is why I am putting myself through this taper/detox. I don't want to pin all my hopes on that appt and then not be accepted or have it be two weeks or more before I get in.
Also, there was only one other Bupe Doctor listed in my area. She said she would not put me on Bupe, but a fentanyl patch, along with klonipin, trazadone and clonidine. Didn't want to go there. SO I scrathced that one. I would rather taper on my own then take a more powerful narcotic. Also she was $250 a visit. I don't have insurance.
I also start a 2 hour a night (2 times a week), alcohol and drug awareness program tomorrow night, at $80 bucks a night. I have commited myself to 1 month of this treatment and paid for 1/2 of it. It's more of a relapse prevention, and I signed a contract saying that if I used while on it, they can notify Social services. How stupid/desperate was that!
So that's my pathetic story. Wish me luck.
I did like KM, and spent yesterday cleaning house, expecting today to be bad. So far teh nauseau and bathroom visits have started. Otherwise just some fatigue. Perhaps my flip flops wiht the taper the last week have helped reduce my w/d some, as they are not as sever as they have been in the past.
You sound alot like me- I am the mommy of a 6,4, and 2 year old and have been on this roller coaster ride for about three years now (with the exception of very minimun use during my third pregnancy). I, too, have stopped and started again, used the temegesic, and even the subutex. I don't think I was on a high enough dose of subutex because I craved the WHOLE TIME I was on it. Which resulted in me going back to hydro's a couple of times.
Currently, I am three days on nothing (not even the subutex). I am like you in that I vomit horribly bad. I am fighting that even as I type this! And ofcourse, the extreme lethargy which is a kicker when you have little ones to tend to!!! I know how you feel!!
Hang in there and stay strong!! POst when you feel like you are feeling weak. I'll try to check the boards often as I am somewhat going through the same thing right now. K?
I am a mommy too. I have 5 children and one of them was taken from me due to my hydro usage. So there IS A LOT TO LOSE as in my case. I know you can do this. I feel the determination in your message. I'm right here with you. As soon as I can get clean, I get my daughter back. That's what I'm told anyway. I can't go there too much right now because I don't want to get depressed and lose it! I'm determined and we can do this together, k? Just take it hour by hour, minute by minute if you have too! That's what I'm going to do!
Michelle, you are doing great. I've read your posts for many many months and I do believe this is your time, girl! Good going. We need each other right now, so let's all post often, k? Keep up the good work!
Last edited by kayleighsmom; 05-03-2004 at 01:12 PM.
Hey guys - I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I'm having a bad day already - at 6:45 a.m. but to think I could be suffering severe withdrawals... I should be thankful for where I am but I'm just not. Anyway, stay strong and please continue the fight. Brenda - I like the idea of your program. How can you stray after signing somthing like that? That just proves you are going to make it,.... I just know you are. All of you can make it. Try to find a program. Michelle -when is your appt? KM - you know my heart is with you. Just remember, it's just a few days and then things will get so much better. Just a few days.... you can do anything for a few days.
I've always said addiction happens to any person no matter of your station in life. I would never ever have thought I would have become addicted to pain meds. But it I did and I have also stopped using for a long time now (Thank God) After reading your story I would think your headed in the right direction with the Sub. I'm one of the few who have successfully tapered and it was by far more difficult then anything I have done in my life to date. To not cheat a taper is near impossible when all it takes to feel better is one little pill, all the pain of withdrawals (minor as they are) go away. The other thing I was told and now that I'm back on the light side from my visit to the dark side is a person has to hit rock bottom before they pull themselves out of the clutches of addiction. Rock bottom takes different forms for different folks so you may have now hit it or are very close.
I would think given what you have told us that now is your time to beat this, and in a way you have ensured or maybe we could say painted yourself into the corner, by signing the contract and risk social service involvement. That to me would be a huge incentive.
There was a lovely wonderful couple here (may still be but haven't heard from them in a while) named Verylucky and Hopefortoday that remind me of your fight with pills. Verylucky tried and tried to beat addition and at times had success but would usually relapse in the end. It wasn't until Verylucky began Sub treatments that he was able to turn his life around and stay clear of is pill addiction. It was in Hopes words what saved his life and their life together. I think your cravings and historical perspective indicate the Sub may provide the same solution and hope for you.
Sorry I talk to much but your story touched me and I hope from the bottom for my heart you get this sorted out and maybe the Sub is your salvation and beginning to your future.
There are more people here who share your story than you can imagine....It's going to be hard, but not impossible. That whole 'social-services' thing scares the hell out me however. Please, please don't relapse. I couldn't imagine losing my kids.
You know, the slow taper thing I've tried...it's never really worked for me. If I had pills on hand, then by golly I was swallowing them. The only thing that's ever worked for me was to go cold-turkey. That, and a lot of mental self-whipping. You know, the whole 'this pain is self induced' type of stuff. Enough about me....
It seems you have the edge you need to help you through this, the loss of your children' so you should be alright. It's going to be scary hard for the next few months at least. My brother used zoloft to help him through his stress and depression part of it and that worked great for him....not sure if you want/can go that route. Hang in there, brenda, It can only get better, eh?
Went to the Bupe appt. It was an intake and I got the 'joy' of chatting with a therapist for an hour.
The whole.."what do you hope to get out of this...yadayadayada"
In the long run either fixing my hair and putting on makeup actually worked(J/K there okay??), or the therapist felt sorry for me.
They had no appt's to see the Bupe Doc for 3 weeks. He (the therapist) got me in Next Monday. I'm being squeezed in, or whatever. So...I cannot have any hydro after 12 noon on Sunday.....and.....They don't know what time I will get in to see the Bupe Doc. I am to be there at noon and wait for someone else to not show.
LOL....this therapist is gonna see a whole new Brenda next week. Today I was put together, dressed appropriately, etc.
Next week since I will likely be in the midst of W/D, I will be hiding under a hat, probably wearing sweats with circles under my eyes.
I am feeling real crappy today, did I mention that?
Oddly, I felt pretty good both Sunday and Yesterday. I think it must be the temgesic, which I am almost out of. I have 4 left, but am afraid to use them.
I was hoping to hold onto them and use them Monday am. before going to the Bupe Doc.
Here I was thinking my taper was helping, but it was definitely the temgesic that was helping.
It has only been abut 5 hours since I had hydro and I feel my nose running, faitigue, muscle cramps, headache, etc.
Yesterday I had 6. I had only had 3, then my Mother in law came over. SOmething about her makes me eat the hydro. I know, not fair to her, It's my responsibility to stay away from them, but I do seem to reach for the stash when she enters my house.
So I am not on day anything. I am not sure what I will do. COntinue the taper? Wait for the Doc appt next Monday? I dunno.
If I take less than 12 a day I go into w/d without the temgesic.
i know we havent posted before but congrats on day 3 i've read the whole post and your story touches my heart so i had to just tell you i'm proud of you and to keep up the good work and hang in there it will get better i promise luv kelleigh