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Old 05-04-2004, 05:51 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3
Arch girl HB User
Question Co-Dependence Help

I read the old posts and have 1 book going to get Co-Dependant No More.
BUT.... Help!

I was in an abusive relationship (my X husband) for about 12 yrs. I got out in 2000 Thank God! But I just lost my boyfriend of 3 yrs :'( I've asked him 'Why?' and ofcourse I did not like what I heard! I've been trying to fix my short comings but I feel that I am lossing a battle with myself and no he's leaving when I've been trying to heal my problems. He's the best thing to happen to me and I'm not sure I will like myself if I can't get my live fixed and have him in it! And for once all my friends and famliy love the man in my live!

It seams a waste of 3 yrs and I wish now we never had changed jobs and moved! We worked together for almost 4 yrs and worked ungodly hours to pull off hotel project designs. This job did not help either of us (I was depressed for almost 3yrs) WE both are just getting our lives back in order with new jobs and then he drops the boom that he's leaving!

I've looked all over the net to find support groups for Co-Dependencey and this is the only site that had some help. I could not even find a group in SC to try and join for help!

My biggest questions....

Can I heal myself and us? OR Is it to late for us and I'll have to live with it?

At 34 I feel like such a failure!

Last edited by Arch girl; 05-04-2004 at 05:53 PM.

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Old 05-04-2004, 06:27 PM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 55
flygirrll HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

Have you looked for CODA meetings in your area? (co-dependents anonymous) You can also do a google search by typing in codependents anonymous and the first link is their homepage.

Old 05-05-2004, 08:08 AM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: ms
Posts: 111
NeverAgain HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

I really do not know your whole story, but I have never understood someone trying to hold on to someone that does not want to be with them. It's different if you have done things to make him leave. However, if he does'nt love you the way you are it is his loss, you deserve someone to love you for you. No one can make someone love them.
Good Luck

Old 05-05-2004, 05:53 PM   #4
Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3
Arch girl HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

Today is the 1st day I did not really cry. I did have a few tears sneak thru here and there but over all I think I did good today. I even had a 2 hr conversation with 'x' boyfriend and did very good. Better than the last few days and better than I would have 1 week ago!

Flygirl - I think I have found a CODA group.... I'm going tomorrow @ 6:30pm EST.

Neveragain - I can see he has feeling for me but would rather let me go if it would help me. And My X-husband did a very good abuse number on me. I think this is one of the causes for my boyfriend leaving. I think, I was pushing him away while I was trying to get closer to him. He said he wants to be friends and after I get myself help and am doing much better we may try again. He made a point so say he 'was not closeing the doors to our future, just the future as he saw it now'. He is willing to help me if it is in his power. I told him to be honest, truthful, donot hold back, and stop me if he sees bad habits surfacing.

I don't like the person that I have become and I really want to change! I do reallize this will be a live long struggle to over come, but I'm hopeful. I wish I knew how long to see big changes.

Old 05-06-2004, 03:53 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,193
Banker HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

Arch Girl - what is it, that you think, or HE thinks, you are doing that is so bad?

I have recently been through a break up and I still don't think I'm over it. It just about killed me and it threw me into a depression that I am fighting to get out of. I know what heart break is... But I don't understand what he thinks you did wrong? Can you help me understand?

Old 05-06-2004, 07:05 AM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: ms
Posts: 111
NeverAgain HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

Can you give a little more detail on your situation? It sounds like if he loved you he would be by your side, helping you get better. Not just saying once you get your life straight I might be around for another chance. To me that's like telling someone overweight, once you lose 80 pounds we may give it another shot, but I just can't be with you while your overweight. Again there may be details you are not sharing, but Banker I think can really help you if you let her.
Hang in there!


Old 05-06-2004, 08:28 PM   #7
Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3
Arch girl HB User
Re: Co-Dependence Help

Banker -
1. I did not finish healing from an abusive marrage that ended.
2. I when thru a VERY bad depression that I'm just coming out of.
3. I forgot how to love myself.
4. I forgot how to trust.
5. I won't let him love me the way he does without wanting more.

All are coda issues. I tried to go to a meeting this evening.... ended up talking to an abuse survivor for 2 hrs when the church could not get a hold of the person in charge of the coda meeting. Learned alot! Thought I had dealt with those issues..... boy was I off base! Thank god b/f is not abusive! But the coda part of my dose want to fix his problems..... I'm trying very hard not to do any of the fixing and helping stuff unless asked!

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