for you that dont know me i am a opiate addict in the midst of recovery for the last time.....i attend weekly a/a meetings looking for aqdvice and guidance....ive got a good girlfriend and a good friend in my dr. who attends the weelky mtgs with me....but ive got a problem that i cant seem to deal with am looking for advice......i am a very good chef in my own right....ive worked hard for years/years cooking and gaining knowledge...ive been voted chef of the year and have many,many culinary acccomplishments...ive even been to the white house......my problem seems to be that i used to have a best friend named john....he was mybest man at my wedding,hes my kids godfather....i hired hime to help me open a 8 million dollar country club here in daytona.....i needed kitchen help and he eagerlt took the job....since he was my best freind he got away with murder as far as employees go...i was abused as is boss since we were best friends...i know that now i made a mistake in hiring him since he knew of my addiction,took advantage of the situation and now has my job as executive chef...he made doughnuts for 12 years in his own business then bought a pizza place since 1989he ran his own business till i hired him,then his wife ran the pizza place and he worked for me...he cost me my job..actually i did but he helped...he supplied me with xanax and vikes all the time knowing i was an addict and was trying to recover....well one day my life exploded in my face and i lost my job/wife/kids/home,ect to addiction.....he now has my job and has been there since i screwed up in 2001........how do i get rid of that baggage...today we talked for the first time since that dreadful day and im still overcome with emotion....he was my true best freind and i lost him along with everything else and i hold against him the fact that he used me/situation to get the position at the country club...he now states hes the chef, and hes not close to being a saucier let alone doesnt know what it means....i just need to know how to let old baggage go and not get in the way of recovery...what does one do to try to forget the damage weve done to ourselves and others in this addiction....
i don't even know what to say emotional baggage is a tough one i'm sorry for all you have lost and can't believe your friend took advantage of you like that all i can say is addiction is one of the hardest things to overcome and you did that so deep down inside there must be away to overcome this i wish i could tell you a simple solution to make it all go away its so hard to overcome something like that but you beat addiction and you can do this it will take time i know it seems hard but just keep focused on your recovery for right now and if your the great chef you say you are which i think you must be if you went to the white house and opened a country club just remember things happen for a reason and just know that something good will come along for you i still have emotional baggage about certain things and thats why now i see a psychiatrist i wish i could do or say the right thing just to make it all go away for you but just remember your recovery is most important and try to stay focused on that i'm sorry if i did'nt help but i had to respond because i noticed your usually there for everyone else and i wanted to try and help you stay strong and hope everything works out for you something good will happen for you i can feel it i guess it's a women thing BIG HUGS from mass going to fla in feb maybe i'll see you but we won't know it lol
Last edited by no patience; 05-06-2004 at 05:20 PM.
Chef, I haven't had time to really think this one through, so will probably post again, but wanted to give you a response right away. I think this is one where your 12-step work is going to have to come in and save you. You are going to have to let your higher power help you to release those resentments, because you know holding on to resentments paves the road to relapse. I am not talking from experience, because I am not there yet, but I am talking from what I am in the process of learning and where I want to be. I have alot of praying to do to get to my place of serenity that I know I am capable of--I have been there before, but that doesn't matter that much because it is a process, not a place that you get to. It is a process I have to work everyday and at least I know what it feels like to be there even though I have strayed from that place. At least I am clean and that is a start only. I would definitely go over this one with your sponsor or maybe someone on here can put it a little better than I have, but I bet with all that you have accomplished in your recovery that you have the tools right inside of you to deal with this in the way you know you must even if it is one of the hardest things you ever do.
Just a newcomer's 2 cents, but you have helped me so much, chef, and I love ya'.
im glad ive helped you where i could...i know they say when you go to a/a or n/a mtgs...that you should take the info that you need with you and leave the rest at the mtg. that you dont need......i just dont know how to let go of old baggage/shame of what ive done....sometimes it hurts so much....goin thru a divorce,not seeing my two girls,knowing that i was the talk of the town...its like now other folks talk about my disease,addiction....
Chef, you are reminding me of so much I have to work on myself--the guilt and resentments. I am going to meditate and pray on those today and let you know what I come up with. Sometimes it just hurts like hell and you have to trust that the pain is not going to kill you, that we are meant to feel the pain, it will make us better people and once we feel it, it will travel through us and the intensity will subside. OK, my kids are downstairs and I gotta run. I really feel for you, chef, I can't imagine being separated from my kids, that would be the worst in the world
Chef, "how do you get rid of the baggage?"... by doing what you are doing, ie: rebuilding your life, building new relationships while you are clean, focusing on your profession (if you came out of Schoolcraft, I know you have the goods), learning from past mistakes and having the discipline not to repeat them, and discarding from your life those influences that caused your problems. As for past best friends, well, the way I see it, anyone who plays a weakness against a friend is not a true friend. Besides, any "chef" who can't prepare a decent sauce reduction won't last long in the club business. As a board member of a club, I know that is true. I respect what you write here, because you dare to discuss the stark, naked truth about addiction, and ask the tough questions that require honest assessment (which is why many of them are ignored) when few others are willing. Your new life will be the one that the right people will talk about, and the one for which you are viewed.
its a problem ive always had...i was always worried about how others would view me...
well you don't have to worry about how people view you because all that matters is how you view yourself you said you had a great girlfriend and she obviously views you in a good way or she would'nt be there i'm so sorry you miss your kids so much why is it you can't see them not to sound personel but i know it must rip your heart out i wish there was something i could do for you i thought going through my tough time was bad now i feel like a fool i really wish i could help you but right now you need to boost that self asteem and stay focused on what you have right now i know we don't post much but my heart really goes out to you please try and hang in there(i know easier said then done) and i hope you can see your kids soon i don't know what the situation is there but i'll pray for you luv kelleigh
That really sucks.But I,too,have had my addiction used against me,deliberatley brought up for no other reason than to embarrass me and humiliate me,and there's nothing worse than wondering what your colleagues and "friends" are saying behind your back.I know I had always tried to keep my addiction my little secret,and very few people knew.But the ones that did ended up being the wrong ones.Now,instead of being embarrassed and shying away from all the talk,now I've kind of disarmed people by telling them yes,I had an addiction,and it was the biggest nightmare of my life.I've literally just put it out there on the table,been brutally honest,and kind of cut people off at the knees when they want to go spread their rumors.The way I feel,thru my experience of addiction I have gained knowledge -and so have you-and knowledge is power.Use this power to your advantage,and think of how much BETTER of a human being you are now vs what you were when all of this stuff occurred.Are you happy with where your career is right now? Is there anything else you want to do to further it?If so,concentrate on that,and not on what some backstabber who you looked at as your best friend did to you.Do you think most people,at least the ones who have half a brain,don't KNOW what he did to you???And you know what,chef,the past is over,you can only move forward.You need to forgive him,but you don't HAVE to forget.You're in a competitive business,and there are going to be people like that everywhere.Move on,chef,keep doing what you do best,and if you're ever cooking again for the bikers during the Daytona run again,Maybe I'll get the opportunity to look you up.Hopefully I'll be on it next time!!
" you can not change the way people act , only the way you react to them"
Do not speak to this guy for now..I know his friendship is a big loss, but he was never a real friend ..If you continue to speak to him it will only remind you.. Pay him back by surviving and doing well. There is always a bigger plan..You will land somewhere great that you would not have been had he not done this...Except change as your destiny..( A BIGGER PLAN)...work on you and one day you might just call him and thank him for the favor. You can destroy yourself by looking at it as a negative or empower yourself and look at it as a positive..CAUSE AND EFFECT....YOU MAKE THE EFFECT!!! good luck to you....I will be rooting for you...shelli
Letting go of resentment is just plain tough. I'm not a 12-step person (though I have friends who are), and I remember how my cousin got stuck on that "resentment" step. Even as she apologized to those on her list....she STILL felt that resentment towards them. I was one of them--she's spent her life believing that my twin and I had "it easier" than she did. She never calculated that maybe we used certain experiences as learning tools...and built up from there. I still don't know to what degree she managed to let go of some of that resentment.
In your situation, though--betrayal by a best friend--particularly a person who takes information you confided in him--and uses it to step over you--is something that I don't think you can ever "get over." You just learn to live with it in the best way you can.
But, you are in the situation that so many of us spend endless hours ruminating about--"what I would have said if I could see that person now!" You HAVE seen that person now...and I don't know what you said to him...but you finally have the chance to verbalize to him what's been in your heart these past years. Have you sat him down and quietly told him how you felt, then and now? No screaming, yelling, arguing...just one "last word" of how you felt when he treated you like that. And then, you kisten to his response...and it's over. Not mentally over....you will always feel that hurt. But you will have said your piece. And maybe that will help you move on.
You KNOW in your heart that you could have been more successful in your profession, had it not been for your addiction. But, it seems to me, that you have been doing so much, with your building up your own restaurant, etc. to rectify old mistakes. (The question of losing your wife and kids is in a category that I wouldn't know where to begin to suggest the best way to deal with that.)
There's not one of us who can completely let go of old resentments. How many of us would STILL like to blast those meanies in high school!! :-) Because I am a non-argumentative person, who dislikes conflict, I used to spend long hours going over and over what I SHOULD have said in certain situations. But this was before I learned that stating what I believed and how I felt, could be accomplished in a quiet, but determined way....and then I could "put it to rest."
I'm a great believer that time is the best element in healing. How long ago did all this happen? And, one other question....when you say your friend provided you with the xanax and hydros...did he press them on you? Or did you convince him that you needed those meds. (I've yet to find a friend who pressed Hydros on me--though heaven knows, at one time I searched! LOL!)
Beyond what you are doing---your meetings, your counselor, your amazing start-up of a new business, after all that you went through--I'm not sure what else will help you right now. But I do think that time will make the memories less sharp in your mind. And--while you're in contact with him right now, you might want to use this opportunity to tell him just how you felt.
I'm not a psychiatrist..but I do think I have some idea of how much you are suffering. Losing your closest friend is just horrible. And you have had to deal with that in a whole sequence of life-changing events.
Wish I could do more than just say "love ya and thinking of ya." But I do think you will begin to find life easier...and will feel some of those clouds lifting in time. In the meantime....I've got a large ear to listen! Lynn :-)
I know you well - if you think about it - you were the first person ever to speak to me in here - and am from the old country. I suffered from dreadful benzo withdrawal? I am here like this for reasons - if you cant figure it - ask Rosie!
Chef - for what this is worth - I think you are landing too much guilt on your ex best pal? It was addiction that took everything from you - not him. If he is a fool now and a jakanapes - then so be it - he can hurt you no more. Let it go. You must. Just dump it and walk straight on forward - hand to the plough - no looking back. He will get what he deserves anyway in the end - but that should not bother you. Has he not done you enough harm now? Dont let him hurt your further by wasting valuable time on "harbouring this resentment". You know what resentment will ultimately do?
You are doing great in your recovery - keep going - dump the past - there is nothing you can do about it - its gone - look to now and to the future.
Chef my friend, interesting problem/baggage. Couple of thoughts, I would classify this as falling in what a very close friend who is a Licensed therapist told me, you need to view this as a chapter in your life, like a chapter in a book. You need to turn the page to a new chapter, the old chapter is done and no need to dwell on it any longer. This has helped me tremendously with baggage and guilt.
Also kind of a different but similar analogy, when my wifeís father had a major stroke and was basically reduced to full time care what we found out was who his true friends were. The ones that seemed like his best friends all of a sudden didn't come around, or help or talk to him or do anything and the friends who seemed to be further away, a friend but not a ostensibly close friend were the ones who when the stroke came on became his closest, dearest and helpful friends. Frankly we were shocked by this.
Sometimes itís not what it looks like. What may be a best friend, even best man are not what they are or don't reveal the real person until a situation arises or opportunity arises then the real inner person comes out. So when your best friend/man was presented an opportunity it would appear you found or the real man was revealed. If thatís the case right off that chapter, burn the book if you have to and move on a best you can.
I don't post often but I read a lot.
Just want to say your posts have helped me so much.
Sometimes we try to go back to the way things were or at least what we think they were and it is sad when we realize that we can't. I would guess that your friend wasn't the person you thought he was so in reality he doesn't exist. Can't tell you how many times that one has hit me in the face.
Sorry for rambling but I want you to know your posts are so valuable here. People like me who need help but don't post often gain so much from members like you.