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Old 05-13-2004, 10:57 AM   #1
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PrincessPillpop HB User
what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Hi all. I'm a 30 year old vicodin junkie, been married 11 years and have 2 kids. I'm on day 2 of wd so forgive me if I sound like a blithering idiot. I've been addicted off and on to painkillers for about 7 years. I started abusing them for stress relief after my daughter was born. It was stressful for me to take care of two kids instead of one and I had a bunch of pills left over from legitimate doctor visits, surgery, dental visits, etc. I remember the exact day I started abusing them. I had a horrible stress headache and no tylenol in the house. I decided to take one of the vicodins I had, boom! within 30 minutes I felt great! Stress was gone, I could deal with the kids crying, I could pay my bills, do grocery shopping....this was all in one day. I didn't use them every day, only when I got really stressed out. The first 2 years were okay, I used them like some use xanax, I hated the way tranquilizers made me feel, too sleepy to be of any use. About 5 years ago I started having trouble with fibroids and endometriosis, very painful. I took vikes to stop the pain and eventually ended up having a hysterectomy. Ever since I've been hooked. I can't get out of bed without the pills and I can't get through the day without them. Anyway, I've quit so many times and relapsed. All through this my family has never known about my addiction. If they did, they never said anything to me about it. When I'm in withdrawal they think I have the flu. I just deal with it on my own. Over the past year it's gotten worse and I started stealing pills from my mother in law and others. I haven't gotten to the point of forging scripts yet and I don't want to. I feel so ashamed for having stolen those pills it makes me sick. But I'm sure you all know that it didn't matter, I still stole them. In about an hour I'll have the opportunity to steal a few and I'm praying for the strength to resist but I don't know how it's going to come out. I feel horrible and would do anything to stop it. That's what scares me, that I'll lose everything I have for these stupid pills and my own weakness. I've decided to quit for good *again* . I've never felt ashamed before and the guilt is killing me. Anyway the point is, my husband doesn't know about any of this and I'm thinking of confessing to him but I don't know how he's going to react. Part of me wants to keep it a secret and deal with it on my own and part of me wants to own up to it and have some family support and kick the pills for good. But I don't know if I can stand the condemnation. My parents will support me I know, but my in-laws are the 'once a junkie always a junkie' mindset and I don't know if I can handle them eyeing me suspiciously everytime I need to use the bathroom at their houses. My husband is another thing altogether. He's such a great guy and he loves me so much, I just hate to tell him what I've done. I'm afraid he'll see me differently if he knows that I was the one who swiped all his mom's pills (yeah, I did a clean sweep a while back but nobody thought to blame me for it). Also, when it comes to drug addiction he thinks like his family. It's almost comical to think he's had one sharing bed and board with him and he never knew it. He's not too tough on drug USE, we both smoke pot occassionally, but he thinks that addicts can just stop, and that addicts whine too much about not being able to help themselves. I used to think that too until I walked a mile in their shoes. I've come to realize that I can't do this without help, but I absolutely HATE asking anyone for help. I've always been like that, I'd rather starve to death than eat a slice of humble pie. I just don't know what to do! If I keep my mouth shut I save my dignity...for a while at least until I totally destroy my life. I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it, and I know I can't do it and still save face....does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Anyone else have this problem? I don't know how to tell anyone about my addiction. I want to cry and blab it all out and beg forgiveness but I can't imagine actually doing it. I've come close a few times but my mouth always snaps shut and I can't do it.

 
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Old 05-13-2004, 11:26 AM   #2
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jenny1973 HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

You are a prime example of so many of us here. I am a stay-at home mom with 3 kids. They are 9, 7 and 10 months old. I have had an addiction for a couple years, but it really got bad after my daughter was born. Yes i used while pregnant and was given the script for horrible migraines after my first trimester. I only took 1-2 a day, but still. After my emergency c-section I felt the same as you did. I could do anything and everything on about 4 hours of sleep. I loved the feeling of motivation, accomplishment and endless energy. Yesterday was my 30 days of being clean and I couldn't be happier. My family and husband had no clue at all. My husband new I took pills on occasion, but didn't realize I was taking about 8 a day to just function. One day I just called him on his cell phone as he was driving home from work and said..we need to talk. I didn't beat around the bush..just told him the truth. He was a little weird at first, but he came around after I explained everything to him. I told him I was checking myself into detox and I really need him to take off some time for work. he really had no choice. I felt alot of guilt, but this was life. Once in detox he came to all the groups he could and he learned so much about my addiction. He has been so incredibly supportive of me and understanding. Alot of people just don't get the addiction to pain-killers cause when they take them it knocks them out. I too stole from his mother and did other things I am totally ashamed of, but thaese actions are not a result of who we are rather what the pills have done to us. If you really wanna get clean you have to honest..you cannot do this alone. You really need all the support you can get and your family will support you because they love you. They may not understand right way, but give it time. You can't think about others reactions right now. You have to do what is best for you because your kids need you. Forget about the past and all the things you have done and move forward with your recovery. You are on day 2 already so keep going. You can get thru this and you will be so much happier, My thoughts are with you!!
Jenny

 
Old 05-13-2004, 12:03 PM   #3
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SimplyStupid HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Hey~ Been there and done everything you are doing, maybe I should say, Im still doing it because Im not clean right now. As far as you telling your husband only you know the answer to that. One could say you need his support in order to finally stop and others have done it just the way you are...keeping it from their spouse. The first time I detoxed and came clean my husband knew everything and he stood by me completely as did his parents and mine. Like for the last 6 months I've tried so many times to stop and I keep going back for various reasons, the biggest one is the energy thing, I can't get anything done laying around the house and it drives me crazy since im a stay at home mom.....well, my youngest is 14 so really Im just a housewife that lives in an upper scale neighborhood and drives the nice car....blah blah blah, prolly just like you. Anyway, my family doesnt know that Im back on the pain meds. They may....but Im trying to hide it and I don't know how good Im doing at that but anway. I was on Benzos and Pain pills the first time and now you couldnt force feed me a benzo but I was stupid enough to believe I could handle the pain meds (HaFreakinHa) and now Im in a bad way. Getting back to you though, I think it would all depend on how your relationship is right now. My husband is not judgemental at all, is yours? Mine also has some vices as well, the worst being ciggs. He promised me when we had our second child he was going to quit and shes 14 and he still is smoking. We've been married for 10 years prior to 4 years ago when I detoxed...so how long have you been together? I think that makes a difference as well. Ya know, you don't have to tell your in~laws or your parents if you don't want too, I think if you told your husband you could do better at trying to stop. I so know the flu syndrome....I have had the "flu" about 8 or 10 times over these last few months. If you've read any of my post you will know what Im doing with this rediculous cycle of mine...I have some for a couple of days then I w'draw a couple and get more and it goes on and on. Sometimes Im driving and I just would like to run in the ditch and end it all....Im not gonna do it but I am so frustrated with myself these days. I havent gotten the meds online or forged anything but I've gotten the art of Doc Shoppin down pretty good, up until now that is....they are all catchin on one at a time...which is good because until all my sources are gone I cant seem to stop taking them. Well, I know I just rambled on and on and somebody is at the door....S

 
Old 05-13-2004, 12:30 PM   #4
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Banker HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

I commend you for coming here, admitting you are an addict and attempting to get clean. My opinion (and take it for what it's worth... you can ignore it if you would like) is that you should come clean. If you were to start AA/NA - one of the BIG rules is honesty. If you are living with a lie, how can you expect NOT to feel guilty which in turn, will lead to relapse again. You will feel guilty for not telling the truth. It's so difficult to live w/a lie inside. I know, I've done it. But honestly, the people that I see be truly successful in beating addiction are the ones that are going to meetings (regularly) and are following the 'rules'... Honesty is huge! The burden you feel will be relieved. He may freak out - but in the end, if he truly loves you and is there 'in sickness and in health'... he will be there for you and you need as much support as you can get. When/if you tell him, he will REALLY need to do research regarding alanon or whatever.

Just like you said - people who are not addicts don't understand. He needs to understand. But be prepared for the worst... he's going to feel stupid for not being able to tell. He's going to feel guilty for not being there for you during this. He's going to feel hurt because you have lied to him. He's going to be overwhelmed with feelings. But I just believe it's important for addicts to be honest.

Let me be very clear in saying that I don't always practice what I preach.... But I preach what I've seen work - with my own eyes... I dated a guy (almost got engaged) for over a year.... just like you, went through the entire addiction, withdrawals... everything and he never knew. I went and got on Suboxone (maintenance drug for repeat relapsers) and he never knew. In fact, when I got on Sub and saw the world for what it really was, I realized a lot of things and one was that we didn't have the greatest relationship in the world... Big shock for me. That being said, I know how you feel and I was too scared to ever tell him. But you are married and I just feel that if you really, really want to be successful and quit, you are going to HAVE to have his support. Again, just what I've seen work with other people. And I can tell you that it is extremely unusual for addicts to be successful without the assistance of aa or na. I'm not saying it can't happen... I'm saying it's unusual. So get to some meetings... If you can.

And keep up the great work. You're almost through the worst part of this.

 
Old 05-13-2004, 05:22 PM   #5
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DannDees HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Tell your husband..I know all about great husbands.. When you break down in tears as you are telling him, he will reach over and hold you and help you all the way through..If you can not find it to tell him, let him read your post as you sit behind him crying..The reason I say crying is because that is what comes out when we finally release something we have been holding onto for so long...My thoughts and prayers are with you..Keep us posted..

 
Old 05-14-2004, 04:16 AM   #6
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suzziq HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Dear Princess,
I was in your shoes (different drug-xanax) in December. I started weaning off of xanax in November and I wasn't sure if I should tell my husband, who has no concept of the word "addiction". He thinks you can stop anything at anytime.
I was on 6 or 7 mgs. of xanax per day for a 5 year period.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we were in bed and I was just at the point where I decided I needed to trust him to love me enough. As an adult child of an alcoholic "trust" is an issue.
I just did it, I told him I cried, he cried and held me and he's still here.
The next day he did get angry, but that's okay. Everyone needs to go through their own emotions.
Geez, the day of our wedding I was on xanax.
I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I think it was a big step for me in really coming clean.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Sue

 
Old 05-14-2004, 07:09 AM   #7
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PrincessPillpop HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Well I chickened out yesterday. When a good moment came for me to spill it all I couldn't do it.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 10:59 AM   #8
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Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

hi there i had been on methadone for chronic back pain for about 2 to3 years so any way my tolerance just kept going up and up so eventually i had to take 20 more mgs than my prescribed dose just to get rid of my pain and function normally the first thing i reached for when waking up was of course my methadone so finally one day after so many attempts i lost them in a minor car accident dr could'nt refill 6 days to early so i said screw this i've had enough i went through 5 weeks of physical w/ds and if it was'nt for my husband and family i never would have made it i know it's a hard step telling your family but support is one of the most helpful things during this awful period i talked my family to death even found my pills later on under my matress and flushed them tell your family but only when your ready and keep us posted and day 2 congrats it's a good start we are all here for you and understand your situation completly hugs to you kelleigh

 
Old 05-14-2004, 11:01 AM   #9
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no patience HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessPillpop
Well I chickened out yesterday. When a good moment came for me to spill it all I couldn't do it.
you will when you're ready the time will come

 
Old 05-14-2004, 01:31 PM   #10
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suzziq HB User
Re: what do your spouses/bf/gf's think about your addictions?

Don't worry, I chickened out a couple of times too.
You'll find the right moment.

 
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