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Old 05-15-2004, 05:07 AM   #1
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i feel like i ruined it all

1 month ago my pain management dr prescribed me hydros for my bulging discs and ddd(arthritis in spine) i was in such pain and would not take them well i took one last night and feel like a complete failure i worked so hard to get off methadone and feel like a complete idiot but it took my pain away for like 3 hours and i actually was pain free but i ruined it 100 plus days down the shi--er please some one give me some encouragment i feel so depressed about it and wish i never did it thank you kelleigh life sucks

Last edited by no patience; 05-15-2004 at 05:13 AM.

 
Old 05-15-2004, 05:46 AM   #2
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sadsister HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Kelleigh-
Don't freak-its not 100 days gone-cos you took one hydro-100 days is 100 days..You have pain issues-this is the tough one-cos you didn't go out and get high-you needed medicine.
Please-relax-deep breathe-aaah there-you go...you are gonna be ok-just don't abuse them-if you feel real pain again-try advil/motrin-if it doesn't work-and you are really suffering-take one as needed-if you can-if you feel like you can't control it-flush em-call the doctor.
Don't look at this like the end of the world-you have done excellent work-you have pain-i just went for deep tissue massage-any alternative treatments that could help you?
Your ok.Hold on-don't panic-nothings lost-
heather

 
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Old 05-15-2004, 05:52 AM   #3
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadsister
Kelleigh-
Don't freak-its not 100 days gone-cos you took one hydro-100 days is 100 days..You have pain issues-this is the tough one-cos you didn't go out and get high-you needed medicine.
Please-relax-deep breathe-aaah there-you go...you are gonna be ok-just don't abuse them-if you feel real pain again-try advil/motrin-if it doesn't work-and you are really suffering-take one as needed-if you can-if you feel like you can't control it-flush em-call the doctor.
Don't look at this like the end of the world-you have done excellent work-you have pain-i just went for deep tissue massage-any alternative treatments that could help you?
Your ok.Hold on-don't panic-nothings lost-
heather
thanks heather i cant abuse them because my dr has pills counts everytime i see him thats a plus but maybe i'll try that deep tissue massage you mentioned thanks for the encouragement it does make me feel better i love this board so many people like you have been so awesome and i can tall all my problems and just totally get the encouragement i need thank you hugs to you from mass kelleigh

 
Old 05-15-2004, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Good god Kelleigh,just how strong do you think you are supposed to be here anyway?the pain from bulging discs and DDD can be extremely overwhelming at times.(been there, felt that).Don't knock yourself for having to take something to relieve the agony you are feeling.

I think you need to face the fact that you will have to be taking something here just to have some quality of life.You are only human.I know that you didn't have good luck with the methadone,but have you tried any other options besides narcotics?there are other options besides having to go the narcotic route.and if all else fails,well, you might have to be on some sort of narcotic.but there are other choices besides the hydro.That stuff will knock you right off any good intentions that you may have about not abusing your pain meds.

is surgery an option for you to try and rid yourself of the whole problem?Or at least the herniated discs?Having that part dealt with would at the very least, bring your pain level down to a more tolerable level that you could handle without the use of narcotics.

Have you tried any of the many anti siezure meds like neurontin?i was on that for two and a half years but it started to give me side effects after the last raise in dosage to 3200mgs.My pain doc switched me over to Gabitril.that seems to work somewhat better,but this med seems to make me much more sleepy.

If surgery isn't an option for you, there are other things availiable to you such as the morphine pump that is implanted and delivers the MS directly to your spine so you don't feel the narcotic effects at all.there is also the neurostimulator that can be implanted that could also be a possibility for you as well.

I think you really need to sit down with your pain doc and see what options he feels would be the best for your situation.

I know that Root, has been suffering from some pretty intense pain with his back for quite some time.In his first post after he was out of detox, he mentioned that they had put him on some kind of med that worked for him.I don't know just what that was but I am sure that if you asked him, he would tell you.

i know that the best thing that worked for me so far with my intractable pain has been oxycontin.my pain levels after my last surgery to remove some bleeding blood vessels from the inside of my spinal cord were just absolutely screaming.The neurosurgeon hit a nerve in the cord during surgery that caused some major neuro deficits and damage to my sympathetic nervous system.It also started what is called central pain syndrome.This is the absolute,most torturous pain that i have ever had and the only thing that gives me any bit of relief at all is the OC.

I had kicked a real nasty addiction to hydro way back in 91.i was doing really well until my neck started to fall apart a couple of years ago(herniated discs in the c-spine,and DDD).i was given hydro then and thought i could handle it after all those years had past,but it ended up kickin my butt again.This was my absolute favorite drug once and it didn't take long for that behavior started to appear again.I worked with my doc and we managed to work around it until my last surgery when things really hit the fan.

the really amazing thing for me is that after I got over the fear of taking the dreaded oxycontin, i have been able to maintain things very well with it,i haven't had the urge to abuse it in any way.I know this seems very hard to believe but it dosen't affect me the same way that the hydro did.also knowing that i am only given a certain amount by my pain doc every month and that under no circumstances will I be able to get an early refill should I decide to use more than i am allowed,helps to keep me in check.but i think the biggest thing is that the thought of not having this availiable to me every single day in the right dosage to treat this hidious pain, scares me half to death.if I did not have it, i would have to go to the nearest ER as the pain would be absolutely unbearable.another thing is really interesting about the difference in the way that narcotics make you feel when you are abusing them as opposed to using them to treat really severe pain.when using them to treat intractable pain, all you feel is the relief of the pain, no high.I know that that is the way it is with me,and also other people that I have talked to who are in the same situation.This isn't always the case with everyone,espescially if your pain is not really severe.but it is still that ongoing struggle between good and evil.That will never go away I guess.

i hope this helped at least a little kelleigh.i really do feel for you.It sucks to be in pain and dealing with an addiction.you walk a very fine line and have to be so very careful,but it can be done.

i really think the best thing to do would be to research all of your options and then sit down with your pain doc and discuss each one thouroughly.You should be able to come up with some kind of combo of meds that will work.I am on many different meds for my pain.Not just the OC.i am also getting injections and trying other methods for pain relief as well.One magic pill will not do it for you.I sincerely wish you the best of luck Kelleigh.keep me posted okay?and please DO NOT beat yourself up over having to take a pill.You will work this all out eventually.it will take some trial and error,but you will do it.Take care, Marcia

 
Old 05-15-2004, 09:51 AM   #5
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Kelleigh - I wrote you a post right after I saw your message this morning...but not only didn't it go thru....but my entire compute froze up! Wow! That's some "hot" problem you have!! LOLOL!! :-) Anyway, everyone has already said the things I had written,,,so I won't be repetitive. But..you haven't ruined a THING! Don't count days like you have been doing --i.e, 100 days--where you land up feeling so stressed out for taking a pain reliever your body needed. It's not an endurance test. Besides..you took "one"--not "one hundred"!!! :-) But now may be the time to get involved with your pain doctor (do you have one?) and figure out a long-term strategy, using non-addictive drugs. The doctor you are seeing has a great idea with this pill counting!!! What a cheat-proof plan!!! You get enough for pain relief--but you don't overuse them.

So...please don't think you "ruined" anything!! You have done a wonderful job getting off the Meth, etc. I've read that the drug meth. can be such a miracle worker for some people...but not if it wasn't right for you. (I believe it has helped Chef so much.) Take care...and take it easy! :-) love, Lynn

 
Old 05-15-2004, 11:17 AM   #6
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Murphy555 HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Kelleigh,
There are some people that tell everyone NOT to give them narcotics again. I wish I had the strength to think that way; but when it comes to severe pain (that's where the vicodin began)..I also had a severe herniated disc where I could not even sit down for 2 years w/o excruciating pain. In the beginning, I took them as the doc prescribed and it gradually blew up into a major addiction which would plague me for the next 7 years.

I just finished intensive outpatient, and it was exhausting. And altho I've learned alot, I still wish I had another chance at the suboxone, as it can be prescribed for pain as well. I have yet to find another Dr. that prescribes it which my insurance covers. I was lucky the first time. My insurance covered the first Dr. I called.

Now that I'm home, I still feel very week from the ordeal I went through, and not to great. I hope I have the patience to get through the time period that gets to to a good place.

Murphy

 
Old 05-15-2004, 03:41 PM   #7
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelbad
Good god Kelleigh,just how strong do you think you are supposed to be here anyway?the pain from bulging discs and DDD can be extremely overwhelming at times.(been there, felt that).Don't knock yourself for having to take something to relieve the agony you are feeling.

I think you need to face the fact that you will have to be taking something here just to have some quality of life.You are only human.I know that you didn't have good luck with the methadone,but have you tried any other options besides narcotics?there are other options besides having to go the narcotic route.and if all else fails,well, you might have to be on some sort of narcotic.but there are other choices besides the hydro.That stuff will knock you right off any good intentions that you may have about not abusing your pain meds.

is surgery an option for you to try and rid yourself of the whole problem?Or at least the herniated discs?Having that part dealt with would at the very least, bring your pain level down to a more tolerable level that you could handle without the use of narcotics.

Have you tried any of the many anti siezure meds like neurontin?i was on that for two and a half years but it started to give me side effects after the last raise in dosage to 3200mgs.My pain doc switched me over to Gabitril.that seems to work somewhat better,but this med seems to make me much more sleepy.

If surgery isn't an option for you, there are other things availiable to you such as the morphine pump that is implanted and delivers the MS directly to your spine so you don't feel the narcotic effects at all.there is also the neurostimulator that can be implanted that could also be a possibility for you as well.

I think you really need to sit down with your pain doc and see what options he feels would be the best for your situation.

I know that Root, has been suffering from some pretty intense pain with his back for quite some time.In his first post after he was out of detox, he mentioned that they had put him on some kind of med that worked for him.I don't know just what that was but I am sure that if you asked him, he would tell you.

i know that the best thing that worked for me so far with my intractable pain has been oxycontin.my pain levels after my last surgery to remove some bleeding blood vessels from the inside of my spinal cord were just absolutely screaming.The neurosurgeon hit a nerve in the cord during surgery that caused some major neuro deficits and damage to my sympathetic nervous system.It also started what is called central pain syndrome.This is the absolute,most torturous pain that i have ever had and the only thing that gives me any bit of relief at all is the OC.

I had kicked a real nasty addiction to hydro way back in 91.i was doing really well until my neck started to fall apart a couple of years ago(herniated discs in the c-spine,and DDD).i was given hydro then and thought i could handle it after all those years had past,but it ended up kickin my butt again.This was my absolute favorite drug once and it didn't take long for that behavior started to appear again.I worked with my doc and we managed to work around it until my last surgery when things really hit the fan.

the really amazing thing for me is that after I got over the fear of taking the dreaded oxycontin, i have been able to maintain things very well with it,i haven't had the urge to abuse it in any way.I know this seems very hard to believe but it dosen't affect me the same way that the hydro did.also knowing that i am only given a certain amount by my pain doc every month and that under no circumstances will I be able to get an early refill should I decide to use more than i am allowed,helps to keep me in check.but i think the biggest thing is that the thought of not having this availiable to me every single day in the right dosage to treat this hidious pain, scares me half to death.if I did not have it, i would have to go to the nearest ER as the pain would be absolutely unbearable.another thing is really interesting about the difference in the way that narcotics make you feel when you are abusing them as opposed to using them to treat really severe pain.when using them to treat intractable pain, all you feel is the relief of the pain, no high.I know that that is the way it is with me,and also other people that I have talked to who are in the same situation.This isn't always the case with everyone,espescially if your pain is not really severe.but it is still that ongoing struggle between good and evil.That will never go away I guess.

i hope this helped at least a little kelleigh.i really do feel for you.It sucks to be in pain and dealing with an addiction.you walk a very fine line and have to be so very careful,but it can be done.

i really think the best thing to do would be to research all of your options and then sit down with your pain doc and discuss each one thouroughly.You should be able to come up with some kind of combo of meds that will work.I am on many different meds for my pain.Not just the OC.i am also getting injections and trying other methods for pain relief as well.One magic pill will not do it for you.I sincerely wish you the best of luck Kelleigh.keep me posted okay?and please DO NOT beat yourself up over having to take a pill.You will work this all out eventually.it will take some trial and error,but you will do it.Take care, Marcia
hi marcia unfortunatly i've tried everything epideral steroid injection,bextra,celebrex,vioxxand ultram the ultram worked a little but in avery high dose so he took me off it and i do have pill counts and everytime i go he asks why i'm not taking them and i explain to him and he tells me not to worry and thank you your story has helped me alot i just felt like such a loser and i,m sorry to hear all you have been through sounds pretty rough you take care also hugs kelleigh

 
Old 05-15-2004, 03:51 PM   #8
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 867
no patience HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinlynn
Kelleigh - I wrote you a post right after I saw your message this morning...but not only didn't it go thru....but my entire compute froze up! Wow! That's some "hot" problem you have!! LOLOL!! :-) Anyway, everyone has already said the things I had written,,,so I won't be repetitive. But..you haven't ruined a THING! Don't count days like you have been doing --i.e, 100 days--where you land up feeling so stressed out for taking a pain reliever your body needed. It's not an endurance test. Besides..you took "one"--not "one hundred"!!! :-) But now may be the time to get involved with your pain doctor (do you have one?) and figure out a long-term strategy, using non-addictive drugs. The doctor you are seeing has a great idea with this pill counting!!! What a cheat-proof plan!!! You get enough for pain relief--but you don't overuse them.

So...please don't think you "ruined" anything!! You have done a wonderful job getting off the Meth, etc. I've read that the drug meth. can be such a miracle worker for some people...but not if it wasn't right for you. (I believe it has helped Chef so much.) Take care...and take it easy! :-) love, Lynn
hi lynn yes i have a pain dr and have tried everyting under the sun from steroid injections to every new drug out there like bextra celebrex vioxx even ultram but the only dose that word work with the ultram was fairly high so now i'm suppose to take a celebrex vicodin 3 times a day and 1 50 mg ultram if things get rough which they have been surgery he says is to soon so i don't know i know methadone has done wonders for so many people including myself my pain was totally alleviated my tolereance just was building but let me tell the w/ds are a nightmare i will never forget and that's why i'm so nervous about other narcotics but thanks for responding it helps me alot and thanks for the vote of confidence love kelleigh

 
Old 05-15-2004, 03:54 PM   #9
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murphy555
Kelleigh,
There are some people that tell everyone NOT to give them narcotics again. I wish I had the strength to think that way; but when it comes to severe pain (that's where the vicodin began)..I also had a severe herniated disc where I could not even sit down for 2 years w/o excruciating pain. In the beginning, I took them as the doc prescribed and it gradually blew up into a major addiction which would plague me for the next 7 years.

I just finished intensive outpatient, and it was exhausting. And altho I've learned alot, I still wish I had another chance at the suboxone, as it can be prescribed for pain as well. I have yet to find another Dr. that prescribes it which my insurance covers. I was lucky the first time. My insurance covered the first Dr. I called.

Now that I'm home, I still feel very week from the ordeal I went through, and not to great. I hope I have the patience to get through the time period that gets to to a good place.

Murphy
murphy things will get better for you and thanks for responding i wish narcotics were not an option for me but unfortunatly it's the only thing that works now that i found that out yesterday kind of sometimes wish a stayed on methadone such a great painkiller but awful drug to be dependant on thank you for responding and i wish you well hugs kelleigh

 
Old 05-15-2004, 04:03 PM   #10
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farmboy7 HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Hi Kelleigh,
You have been my Guardian Angel here so far so I guess it's my turn. You took the pill for the RIGHT reason, for pain and not to get high,so no problem! Just because you got dependent before does not mean we have to suffer for the rest of our lives in pain. Just be careful. Always take them for the right reason and if you don't need it for pain don't take any.
I really don't care if I have to take these for the rest of my life because many docs have told me it's OK. You can't spend the rest of your life in pain because that isn't life the way is supposed to be.
So don't worry about it but do talk to your doc and figure out a way to stick to the program without slipping up.
Good luck.

farmboy

 
Old 05-15-2004, 09:08 PM   #11
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John 808 HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

I won't be repetive, Kelleigh, but you were hurting and you took one tablet! That is it! You still have your 100 days under your belt! Don't be so hard on yourself- K?

SMILE- you are doing great!
M

 
Old 05-16-2004, 03:56 AM   #12
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Kelleigh, you are not a "loser",you are a person in pain.You took the hydro to honestly relieve your pain ,not to get high.There is a BIG difference.have you taken anymore?I am thinking no?If you didn't than i wouldn't worry about feeling like you let yourself down at all.You just did what anyone else would do to end their suffering.but you still need to find a way to get the best relief with the least amount of narcotic,or maybe none at all?

it appears that you have tried many non narcotic options already to no avail?i don't believe that i saw any anti seizure meds listed in the stuff you already tried,this medication does work really effectively in some people with nerve pain,could you possibly give one of those a try?Is surgery an option for you at all at this point.(i am in a brain fog right now and can't remember if i read yes or no in your other posts)Have you discussed any options with your pain doc like the pump or stimulator?my NS wanted to implant the stimulator right after my surgery but I wanted to explore other options first,as it is something that is normally used when all else fails.

I just really feel so bad for you in what you are having to deal with Kelleigh, i really do.i just want to make sure that you are not still beating yourself up over that one little pill ruining your clean time.you were in a tough situation and did what you had to do to get through.Now put it to rest and move on okay?

when do you see your PM doc again?i hope it is soon so you can hopefully find something that will work for you.

anytime you want to vent, I am here to listen,i sooo know how you feel.Take care Kelleigh,and keep us posted okay? Marcia

 
Old 05-16-2004, 06:13 AM   #13
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Nikka HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Please be kind to yourself. I believe that sometimes we are our own worst enemy. We have these standards that we believe we should hold ourselves up to and yet we would never ever hold any one else up to these same self imposed standards. Get out of you own way!!! Deal with what you reasonably can and let the rest go. You are unique and your pain issues are tough enough to live with. There is no shame in offering yourself pain relief for legimiate reasons. As long as you are open about your circimstances.
Take care my friend. I don't post as often as I would like but I enjoy reading what you write and what you struggling with. This is the place to keep doing just that!!!!

 
Old 05-16-2004, 06:37 AM   #14
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no patience HB User
Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by farmboy7
Hi Kelleigh,
You have been my Guardian Angel here so far so I guess it's my turn. You took the pill for the RIGHT reason, for pain and not to get high,so no problem! Just because you got dependent before does not mean we have to suffer for the rest of our lives in pain. Just be careful. Always take them for the right reason and if you don't need it for pain don't take any.
I really don't care if I have to take these for the rest of my life because many docs have told me it's OK. You can't spend the rest of your life in pain because that isn't life the way is supposed to be.
So don't worry about it but do talk to your doc and figure out a way to stick to the program without slipping up.
Good luck.

farmboy
THANK YOU FARM BOY WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT ME BEING YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD YOU HAVE BRIGHTENENED MY DAY MY PAIN DR ALSO TOLD ME I WOULD PROBABLY BE ON THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS THOUGH IS THE VICODIN I DID TAKE ONLY LASTED 3 HRS WHERE THE METHADONE LASTED 8 OR SO SO I TOLD MY DR ABOUT IT CAUSE HE WAS ON CALL AND HE SAID HE MIGHT HAVE TO PUT ME BACK ON METHADONE WHICH FRIGHTENS ME BECAUSE FOR ONE HE SAID THERES NO WAY I CAN EVER STOP TAKING IT AGAIN AND AND FOR 2 I KNOW IT TAKES AWHILE TO BUILD TOLERANCE WITH METHADONE BUT BY THE TIME I'M 60 I'LL PROBABLY BE TAKING 100 OR MORE MGS TO EASE MY PAIN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SORRY SO LONG BUT I'M JUST KIND OF WORRIED NOW BECAUSE METHADONE DOES WONDERS FOR PAIN AND HELPS HEROIN ADDICTS BUT THE W/DS IT GAVE ME WILL ALWAYS REMAIN IN MY NIGHTMARES AND I JUST HATE THIS DRUG NOW THANK YOU FB7 FOR LISTENING AND HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK HOPE YOU'RE NOT IN TO MUCH PAIN THANKS AGAIN KELLEIGH

Last edited by no patience; 05-16-2004 at 06:40 AM.

 
Old 05-16-2004, 06:48 AM   #15
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Re: i feel like i ruined it all

Quote:
Originally Posted by John 3:16
I won't be repetive, Kelleigh, but you were hurting and you took one tablet! That is it! You still have your 100 days under your belt! Don't be so hard on yourself- K?

SMILE- you are doing great!
M
THANK YOU HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND AT YOUR BROTHERS ? ALL OF YOUR HERE ARE SO CARING AND SO UNDERSTANDING I WISH WE COULD ALL MEET ONE DAY I HAVE FRIENDS AND I KNOW IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT BUT THEY JUST DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION AND HERE I CAN SAY ANYTHING AND EVERYONE KNOWS EXACTLY(DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT?) WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH I TRIED AN N/A MEETING WITH A FRIEND I THOUGHT WAS CLEAN WHEN I FIRST STARTED W/DS AND AFTER THE MEETING HER AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE INVITED ME TO GO TRY SOME HEROIN ISN'T THAT NICE I SAID I DON'T THINK SO SHE SAID OH IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO KICK THEN METHADONE AND IT WILL STOP YOUR W/DS NICE N/A MEETING HUH THAT'S WHY I THINK I'LL GET MY SUPPORT HERE YOU ARE SO KIND THANK YOU YOU HAVE MADE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER HUGS KELLEIGH

Last edited by no patience; 05-16-2004 at 06:51 AM.

 
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