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Old 05-16-2004, 06:49 AM   #1
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Nikka HB User
Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

[B] I haven't posted in a while, but need to say some thank-yous!!! I was in the throws if a Hydro addicted for just over a year. I took my last dose on 3/31/04 and I haven't looked back. I only look back if I need a reminder of how I DO NOT want to live my life. I am vertical and I am happy. I am lucky because I do not have cravings. I really believe I made my mind up and well when the hard part starts I will remind myself of a few pathetic situations that I choose to never ever go thru again.
No one in my family knows that in the last year I took huge amount of hydros and had stashes hidden everywhere. At first I loved the Eupohoria, but as usual it took more and more to acheived even a tiny modicum of that feeling.
To make a long story short I saw an opportunity present itself to me where no one in my family was gonna be near me for a week. So I quit C/T and went thru some hell and really didn' start to feel totally functunal for a full month.
Trying to figure out how where and when I could get more pills just exhausted me and knew I did not want to see myself in 5 years doing more of the same.
YUK!
Thanks for everyone who has poured out their heart and soul because those experiences helped save my ***!!! Special thanks to Phil whom I consider my mentor and hero- Phil I know you don't like the hero stuff but that's too bad cause that is what you are to me and a lot of people that you help. Your knowledge is awesome and so is your sense of humor!!!!
Good luck to everyone here strugglng. I am so enjoying life again!!! I really thought that I would never feel excited about anything in life unless I could have my pills. I see now how those pills actually set my life up to suck big time. I feel a freedom and a laughter and a sense that I look forward to my days. I would not have thought that this would have probable a mere month and a half ago. Thanks for listening and I will check in form time to time. Right now I am trying to play catch up to all the things in my life I thought I was taking care of but never did. I really was living in a stupor.
Have a great Saturday - I am so excited for the day to begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 05-16-2004, 11:35 AM   #2
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windysan HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Good Job !!!!

It is great not to be a slave, ain't it?

congratulations

 
Old 05-16-2004, 05:30 PM   #3
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kevbo HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

congratulations and good for you!!!! I know it can be done. could you please answer a few questions for the rest of us who wish we were where you are today...how much hydro were you taking? what were the first 72-96 hours like? I hear that is the worst of the physical symptoms..and one more question...what did you use to help you get through the worst of the physical symptoms....thanks for the information and God Bless You!!!! kevbo

 
Old 05-17-2004, 11:41 AM   #4
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Best Friend HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikka
[Good luck to everyone here strugglng. I am so enjoying life again!!! I really thought that I would never feel excited about anything in life unless I could have my pills. I see now how those pills actually set my life up to suck big time. I feel a freedom and a laughter and a sense that I look forward to my days. I would not have thought that this would have probable a mere month and a half ago. Thanks for listening and I will check in form time to time. Right now I am trying to play catch up to all the things in my life I thought I was taking care of but never did. I really was living in a stupor.
Have a great Saturday - I am so excited for the day to begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nikka, thanks for one of the most inspiring posts I've read in a long time...'inspiring,' particularly because you bring so much hope to those of us who wonder if we will ever again feel, as you express, "so excited for the day to begin!" For those of us still fighting those big bad pills, knowing that we might regain "our SELVES" and our past enthusiasms back, is the greatest incentive to win this fight. PLEASE DO "check in from time to time." Maybe you can be a "Phil" to others on this Board who respond best to 'positive' voices. (You may have read my "devil's advocate' post some weeks ago, querying "Why should we get sober." Of course, I knew, intellectually, all the right answers, but YOUR post, today, is exactly what I wanted to hear. And it will be a 'lantern' on the journey. Thanks, Nikka....and continued success on YOUR journey!
TwinAlice

 
Old 05-17-2004, 01:01 PM   #5
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Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Nice job, Nikka, I hope your post is an inspiration to others here.

 
Old 05-17-2004, 03:54 PM   #6
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Nikka HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

At the height of my pill taking I could easily swallow in an 18 hour period 20-25 10/325 Norco's. About 4 months prior to my CT I realized that I was not going to be able to maintain my usage at the rate I was going. I actually was forced to end up taking around ten pills a day. Eventually I could not get my hands on Hydros so I switched to codiene. If I had the Hydros I would use them and use the codeine to stave off withdrawal symptoms. So when I went CT it is hard to say exactly how much I was taking.
As far as the withdrawal - it was not fun, but I got myself some Clonidine pills and some Valium along with Immodium (pill form). The worst was the crawling sensations up and down my skin and deep in my muscles, mostly leg muscles. I took hot hot soaking baths and tried to drink lots of fluids. The Clonidine really helped me to not thow up. But the runs were awful and thank god for the immodium. At night I took the Valium to help sleep = the clonidine made me sleepy too.
Another thing that really helped the nervousness is a herbal tea "Night Night" that had Passionflower in it. Something about Passionflower that helps ease withdrawal symptoms.
The thing that helped me the most was continuely telling myself that if people can endure and survive torture, well then I can endure this, after all I was the torturer!!! I also knew deep in my gut that I wanted and needed to have my self back. I didn't like the person I was turning into. When I took pills I often distanced myself from the most important people in my life. I just wasn't participating in life any longer and I knew that I wanted a life that felt solid and real. Now this may be too much touchy stuff for some but that is where my mindset was and still is today. I am vertical and I love it. Thanks for the responses!!! Where there is a will there is a way!!!

 
Old 05-17-2004, 04:20 PM   #7
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John 808 HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Nikka,

I don't know if you and I have ever actually posted to one another, but, I'd like to ask a question. I started posting here a year ago- desperate for help- was at a 10-12 day habit. Learned about the subutex from the board and decided to go that route. To make a long story short, the subutex just didn't ever work well for me and I have been on a roller coaster ride since then. I have stopped the subutex, started back on hydros, gotten clean for a little while, went back on the hydros, went back on the sub, just a never-ending cycle for me. My habit is now 25-30 a day and I know I have to quit or I'll end up dead. My problem is I have three little ones under six and the lethargy and blahs after the physical withdrawals are the "kicker" for me. I cave after a week or so because I can't get anything done- it tires me just to wash my hair. With three babies...yeah, right?

Most of the people on the board are probably sick to death of my repetive cycles and stories, so, being that you are somewhat new, do you have any advice for me? I have gone to my family before but just can't do it again, so, I am basically on my own here.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Congratulations to you- so proud for you! Thanks again and God bless,
M

 
Old 05-17-2004, 04:27 PM   #8
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kevbo HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

thank you for being so honest and forthright...believe me your thought process is very similar to mine....I have been using hydrocodone cough syrup only at night to help me fight the night time coughing...I have a history of major chest infections that linger forever and I totally got used to taking 3-4 big swigs from the bottle (about 20-25 mgs of hydrocodone)about dinner time so it would kick in and help reduce my nighttime coughing and help me sleep....I do not use any other drugs ever and I only take the cough syrup once every 24 hours....my dilemma is this....I find myself taking the syrup even if I do not have an infection or allergy...still only once a night..and when I try to quit...I start to have withdrawals...I think I have to use your post to get motivated and just quit....thanks for listening...

 
Old 05-17-2004, 05:45 PM   #9
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dschne HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Nikka that is great and I know exactly how you feel except im on the sub still but the DOC told me to take 3 a day and I can tak half that and feel fine today I accually woke up on my own at 6.15 no reason to till 7.15 and couldnt wait for my day to get started when it did bamm I was on fire super Dad without 15 lortabs in me daughter and 3 other kindergardener,s to school gym,car wash for wife,s car,some shopping for my boat made breakfast early and went to work and am here now and happy just plain happy one thing that brings this I know is peace from being honest with myself and everyone else....but great job on the C/T that is the hard way I have done it before and it sucks I was on 40 pills a day at times.Life without hydro is the only way to live I never want that fog in my mind and heart and soul again.....love and prayers to everybody.......Dan
__________________
daniel

 
Old 05-17-2004, 07:01 PM   #10
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Nikka HB User
Wink Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Thanks for more feed back. To John:316. Nothing is easy when it comes to getting clean. You still have to take of your babies, etc. I had realized that no matter what the world doled out to me I was just gonna have to deal with it. Now let me say that for at least a month after I Cold Turkied I had major problems focusing on the task at hand and felt like I had absolutely no drive to do anything. Work was hell. If my kids (late teens) needed anything I felt myself freeze up and not want to cope. But I realized that when those "freeze up" situations occurred it meant that my addiction to the pills was sticking out, meaning I wanted to go back to not feeling. So what did I do? Remind myself that all this stuff is part of the recovery process and taking a pill was NOT going to change anything. Believe it or not as I continued with this type of positive thinking and NO EXCUSES. It was as if God was doing for me what I normally could not do for myself!!!
Just never ever stop trying!!!! Thanks for asking and for listening! Take care all - I am gonna hop in bed and read a book - Not all that long ago that thought would have abhorred me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 05-17-2004, 07:29 PM   #11
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Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Quote:
Originally Posted by John 3:16
Nikka,

My habit is now 25-30 a day and I know I have to quit or I'll end up dead. My problem is I have three little ones under six and the lethargy and blahs after the physical withdrawals are the "kicker" for me. I cave after a week or so because I can't get anything done- it tires me just to wash my hair. With three babies...yeah, right?

Most of the people on the board are probably sick to death of my repetive cycles and stories, so, being that you are somewhat new, do you have any advice for me? I have gone to my family before but just can't do it again, so, I am basically on my own here.

M
Michelle, If you can make it a week, you would be so close to getting through the tough part. I've been thinking of you often to try to figure out a way to get you through this. I know you have small children, and you don't want to ask your family for help (if I remember correctly, you don't think they know? I'm sure they do anyway). Is there any way you could try to quit over the weekend, when you husband is home to help with the children, and then get a sitter to come over for Monday and Tuesday to help with the kids? After five days, it really gets better quickly (I was taking 30+ per day). Get some clonidine and trazadone, which both really help with the symptoms and sleep, and do it for your kids. If you can just get past the first five days, you will see marked improvement, and believe you can do this. G

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:06 PM   #12
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John 808 HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Thanks User!

I just posted to WhiteDevils and you can jump over there and see what is going on with me now- I have an appointment next week and I CANNOT WAIT!

I am so ready- I am ready to wake up and not think about hydros the first thing and go to sleep not thinking about waking up to take hydros....to plan a vacation without counting if I have enough hydros....it is pathetic and life was not intended to be lived this way!

I am at the point where I am mad now! And I think it is about damn time for me to get mad at what these pills have done to me and my family......

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts- I feel a little hypocritical coming on the boards so much now- giving advice- that's a joke!!!!!! But, when I read where someone is at just a 10 a day habit (which is not good), I want them to know it will be thirty before they know and WARN them to run far, far away! Ya know?

Anyways, thank you and continued success to you! You are motivation to alot here I am sure. Take care,
M

 
Old 05-17-2004, 08:22 PM   #13
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spark-o-cet HB User
Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

if i had kids and they were gonna use drugs i would rather see them use ANY drug other than opiate pills or herion cause these are the hardest to get off of more than any drug out there trust me.coke/crank you do not crave these like the opiates and the opiates rewire the brain after short use.-spark

 
Old 05-18-2004, 07:38 AM   #14
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Re: Surfacing up thru the Mirky Mire of Pills

Quote:
Originally Posted by John 3:16
Thanks User!


I am at the point where I am mad now! And I think it is about damn time for me to get mad at what these pills have done to me and my family......
Good! Now you are talking!

 
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