I recently found this website and I have found everyone's personal situations incredibly helpful and some even inspiring. I'm going to talk about my own story in detail in my next post. I want to dedicate this one to finding the answer to the question that every one of us addicts seem to be consumed with throughout our daily lives. We all believe that our own personal situation is so different than everyone else's, that no one could ever truly understand what we deal with in our addiction/recovery, and of course, our addiction is far worst than everyone else's. I need some help with the last part, determining the severity of my own situation. Many people respond to this issue in a clinical sense. These people have adopted the philosophy that basically says that whether you are doing a gram a day, or an ounce a day, it doesn't matter. If you think that you are addicted, or dependent on any level, then only you can determine how severe your own situation is. The second approach is considered a more logical or realistic approach. It's very simple: the person consuming an ounce of cocaine is in a dangerous, potentially fatal situation, while the other who is doing a gram everyday still qualifies as an addict, but this situation is certainly not as grave and as scary as the first addict. This approach states that in order to assess how severe one's addiction is, and to qualify one addict's situation as better or worse than another's, you have to find out the quantity and frequency of cocaine that the addict is consuming on a daily basis.
In the beginning, cocaine was introduced to me in partying situations. In those days, whether it was alcohol, drugs, girls, basically anything related to partying, I always had something to prove. I needed to show everyone that I drank the most, snorted the most, was basically the "best" partier in the room. The amount of cocaine that was being used was always a competition. Little did I know that indulging in such ridiculous behaviour would wind me up to where i am today, rock bottom. I'm going to reveal what my "rock-bottom" (daily consumption) is on my next post to avoid bias and competition. The reason that I'm focusing so intently on this is because in the last couple of months, I've realized that the amount that I use, and the lenth of days which I binge is putting me on death's doorstep. I was sitting with 5 men at an NA meeting, and for the first time ever, I revealed the amount of cocaine that I am using. These 5 guys have in the least 12 year, and the most 26 year cocaine habits. I started using 3 years ago. In 3 years, these guys are telling me that my habit is consuming more than half of what they were after 25 years!!! That's my reality. When a 25 year addict looked at me with shock, concern, and fear in his eyes, I knew I was in trouble. As addicts, we always feel a little better when we meet someone who is using more than us. For a long, long time, I've been in pursuit of finding that person...still looking. Please don't think that I want your responses only because I'm looking for a worse situation!!! I'm searching for honest and real answers so that I can have some hope in looking towards a future without cocaine. I think I speak for all addicts everywhere when I ask that there is no embellishing or bragging in your answers. I would also like to hear what you consider "binging." Again, I believe, and I've been told that I've taken the term to a whole new level, but I truly believe that there are others out there that have sunk into the belly of this beast as I have. Thanks in advance to everyone who responds. I pray to god that by finally revealing my addiction, it will enable my recovery to begin. Trying to stay positive is all I've got left.
Well, first, I have never done cocaine, so, I don't know what your referring to by a "gram" our "ounce" and I guess I can't be helpful to you in that sense...
But, what are you trying to ask? Is there anyone here who has done more than you? I am just a little confused by your post? Sorry!
I would love to offer any help and advice (I abused prescription pain pills) that may help, but just unsure what you are actually "looking for."
Welcome and maybe there will be someone who has had a problem with cocaine that can better help you!
steve..i have never used cocaine but i do recognize an addicts mindset when i read it. sorry but this will be a lttle hard hitting...
you stated that you are on death's doorstep. yet you are desperately searching for someone to "better" you. even checking out NA meetings in hopes of finding that one person who can top you? so you can justify your use by saying "hey, this guy got 2 more years than me at my dose, so hey, i guess i can use for 2 more years til i really have to get serious with this". Sorry, no sale. no sale to yourself either, or you wouldn't be posting here. ya got a problem and ya know it....stop trying to justify it with a scientific formula....
I agree with Michelle, We are not quite sure what you are "looking for", I never have used cocaine either. Like she said hopefullys someone here that has, will respond to you!
I have not talked to you in a long time!!
Hope you are well.
Me, about the same.
Have a great day everyone
Have been doing alot "flip-flopping" lately (quitting, starting, quitting, etc.). I have an appointment with an addictionologist next week and I am real excited! But, I did deny my refill from an OP yesterday (huge step for me)! That is progress, huh?
Hope you are well- always good to hear "your voice."
Can you try going on the net to find a cocaine anonymous (CA) or NA hotline and/or meeting? I called NA a bunch of times before I ever got the nerve to go. When I said I was taking 20 (low-balling, though)norcos, they said oh my god. But of course now I know people who used to take 50 oxycontins (very strong) a day and, while they are lucky to be alive, got help and are in recovery. I met people in my detox who used coke and heroin and even in my professional group I go to once a week (a mixture of AA, NA and CA people), there are people who go to both CA and NA meetings and are doing great. Usually there is a local hotline and they are good to talk to. Like I said, it was a month or 2 or 3 (don't remember) after calling a bunch of times that I finally went, but it was good to finally talk to someone. Since then I went through detox and am doing much better.
I am glad you took this step in posting--I'm sure there are other cocaine addicts and recovering cocaine addicts who have been looking for someone to talk to on here too. But we are really alike, believe it or not, though you might identify with them a little differently. We are here for you!
I agree, I hated the crash, so I just ran and wouldn't associate with anyone who used it (too hard to turn down a line). Most I ever did was years ago--shared 6grams with my boyfriend one night. Also parties where we were just passed rock after rock to chew or snort. (Also did alot of crank) I figured if I felt suicidal coming down off of that, when I was young and beautiful without a care in the world, that I would be in big danger of suicide if I were to be in that mental state in a time of stress. Moved the the west coast, came off as goodie two shoes out here and refused to date drug users, so wasn't offered it, don't know where to get it, don't want to know.
i was addicted to coke, and crack. I shot, smoked, and snorted. Although this only lasted for about a 6 months to a year until I had an intervention done. I also am opiate addict on suboxone now. Will have 90 days clean 05/26. I go to NA everday, counseling trough church once a week and 2 times a month through suboxone program. I am also drug tested through work and suboxone program. I also have a sponser ever though i have not talked to him much yet, and work the steps, and pray. When I was on the coke binge only about a gram a day i could not get away from it. I would pray to have the compulsion tooken away, but it would not go away. I would go get it no matter what the risk. I spent money i did not have, used at work, lied to my wife, made a total *** of myself. For me it took getting away from it by going to treatment. That is what i did, but for me if not treatment i would have had to been tooken away from it somehow, and put with loved ones that would keep me suprevised. It also took the fact that i would lose my job if i continued, but i should have lost my job anyway, i was lucky. I knew when i started again that if i was caught i would lose my job, house, everthing, and did it anyway. That is why I am an addict. Lucky it was not god's will for me to lose everthing at that time. Anyway I was not strong enough to just stop without work and family being on my ***. Thank god they were there. Life is better without all the crazyness, not that it is perfect know though...
well since there seems to be a shortage of coke users here I'll chime in -- the ONLY reason I didn't do coke nonstop back in the day was lack of money. I was (am, if you are always an addict) a two-drugs of choice person: opiates, and cocaine/coke derivatives (including crack). I used coke almost daily for less than 2 years I think and in that time my weight dropped from the high 120s to 99 lbs. (I'm 5'4") which was when I finally quit. I felt I was dying, even though I didn't feel sick or in pain, I literally felt like I was disappearing daily! I was, if you look at the weight loss. A gram a day doesn't surprise me at all if you have the means. It is the kind of drug where you will stay up 24/7 for a good week just constantly using, then finally you collapse. I even reached the point sometimes where my body was saturated with it and I would snort smoke or shoot some and get ZERO effect, I would be as if I was stone cold sober, and I would ask my friends if it was really coke because I didn't feel anything, and of course they would be completely zonked out by it so it WAS real and I was just at the point of no more endorphins or norepriniphene or whatever chemical left in my brain I guess! I think coke is one of the easiest drugs to suddenly die from, at any age, so I would do the NA thing if I were you, and I did go to CA a couple of times, it was very interesting, they DO understand the "magic" of coke and how it grabs you.
Thanks to all of you who replied to my message. Your words were helpful, but I am worried about it's interpretation to some of you. Despite my explanation of why my curiosity surrounds one's consumption, some of you still give me the impression that you believe I'm here only to find someone consuming more than me on a competitive level. Again, my intentions are specific to me, and not to cocaine users everywhere. My recovery is priority to me in my life right now, so I'm trying to become as educated as possible when dealing with MY situation specifically. The reason quantity is my issue at hand is because my habit has grown to such a level that professionals are scared for me, aswell as loved ones, and by sharing with all of you, I'm hoping one of you can restore some faith and hope in me, because you can relate on a close level.
I started using cocaine 4 years ago. Initially as a partying substance, and ultimately, something that I needed to function. For about 2 years, I've been using cocaine all day every day. It has become such a habitual part of my life that now, acknowledging the severity of my problem, and wanting to say goodbye to this evil forever, seems impossible. They say no one really knows how bad their addiction is until they attempt to stop. Amen. Like you know at this point, I've hinted that I'm consuming lethal amounts. You have to understand that this isn't coming from me!!! If it were only me looking at intake, I'd still be justifying the amount as no more than any other addict, and nothing to worry about. You see, this all started getting scary when I went to an addiction specialist psycologist. I revealed my intake to him, and the ball started rolling. He brought in a specialist from out of town, who suggested speaking at NA, who referred me to a researcher...and the list goes on. So, I'm hoping that sharing my life with all of you, you can either say, "oh my god....." or "I know of someone who..." you get the point. All of these "professionals" have made me feel like a monster and the only case ever, and I refuse to believe it.
In the beginning, my thirst for this drug was obvious. My earliest memories are splitting between my friends for the night, but buying extra for myself in secrecy. This secrecy marks the beginning of a sick and twisted journey bringing me to today, addicted to the very drug responsible for my personal, financial, and emotional demise. With saying that, my compulsion to use escalates every day. My story is like so many others. Where I differ is some of the ingredients of my life that let a beast grow and blossom when usually this chance is never seen. I own my own business which doesn't put me anywhere at 9AM. It gives me the freedom to come and go as I please throughout my days. Last but not least, it's a successful retail business which puts "never-ending" amounts of cash in my hands every day. For an addict, ingredients for destruction. Reality is that without these things, this never would or could have happened. For all of you that have the 9-5 job, and have a substance problem, imagine not having to be anywhere anytime with no one to answer to. Add in cash whenever you need it, and an endless system of "friends" all selling drugs which lets you escape and avoid the feeling of "jonesing" ... EVER !!! I think anyone prone to addiction, put into this situation, would fall the same way I have, because we all share such predictable characteristics. "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough."
In the end, the worst of days, I was snorting 15-20 grams per day. All i did with my days surrounded drugs. Getting them, doing them, selling them, researching them.... My use is considered chronic because my binges stopped being binges, rather, just day after day and week after week. I would use without sleeping for days and days, and when sleep finally came, it was only for 2 or 3 hours because I passed out, not because i intended on resting. I lost 30 lbs in 2-3 months because food wasn't an option. I was doing lines every 15 - 20 minutes, sometimes doing gram lines. This lifestyle grew to exceed 1500.00 per day. I used in total isolation, no friends, no family, no work, and i thought is was happy doing it.
Now I know I need to stop for all of the above reasons. I hope you all have a better understanding of my focus. Im scared that with this much cocaine, the rules of recovery are different for me. I hope your words prove to be helpful. Thanks for listening,and I have to say, even in a time for me of such desperation, I am positive that I can gain control of this evil dwelling in my life...I know i can.
Thank you for clarifying your original post, alot of us weren't quite understanding what you were getting at. Yes, you are ingesting quite a bit of coke. Recovery works for everybody, doesn't matter what/how much you take. The key is, you have to be WILLING to stop, and to change your whole life. I can hear your fear, sounds like you are thinking "I'm doing so much coke, too much to ever get clean, I might be a lost cause." That is not true! You can get and stay clean if you truly want to. Don't listen to those psychiatrists and scientists, they have gone off on a tangent, and you are stuck in the middle of their crap. They'e starting to treat you like some kind of research animal, when you're trying to save your life! They're scaring you. Don't give them any more power. Take the focus off of the problem, and ask them to help you with the solution.
Keep going to NA meetings. Go to LOTS of NA meetings. Don't use between meetings. Listen to what everyone is saying. Get a sponsor and work the steps. Join in when everyone is going out for coffee or dinner after the meeting. Do what is suggested.
We're here for you.
Coming up on 9 years clean and sober June 13, 2004
I was a hopeless dopefiend. Now, thanks to God and NA, I am a dopeless hopefiend!
Yep....that's a lot of coke. I'm just surprised that you haven't bypassed the nose and gone on to basing and banging it. Your nose must look like hamburger. I don't think that meetings will help....later, but not now. If I were you I would go into a medically-supervised detox then on to a long-term rehab(the longer, the better). I own my own business and I can tell you that no job/career is important when you are dead. I did a 28-day stint and came back to my business. I've built the biz back up again and now I enjoy it because I'm healthy. All the shrinks and all the meetings won't help you at this point. You need to go in for medically-supervised treatment....that is if you really want that gorilla off your back.
I don't know if I can explain this well or not but I am going to try. I used to do alot of coke everyday. I never came down because I hated the crash. I was used to doing large amounts of coke. However, one day I did just a little toot and I overdosed on the stuff. It was explained to me by a person on a CA phone line that everytime you use and it doesn't matter how much your brain firesup. Because of the coke you are playing rushian rullette and could cause it to misfire thus causing an overdose situation. So you could over dose on doing a lot or alittle. Don't kid yourself. You are seriously jepardising your life and you need help to stop now before it is to late. Find a good inpatient program, a good drug councelor for followup, and start going to NA meetings everyday or as long as it takes for you to stay clean. Coke and meth are very powerful and cunning drugs. They trick you and mentally play games with you to keep you using. Get help sooner rather than latter. Coke is lying to you and you are greatly being decieved.
Steve hey I think you are looking for the wrong answers I think if you have used drugs in any way little or a lot you have walked in some one elese shoes I was a crack addict befor a herion addict at witch time I found my drug of choise I am 39 years old and have proble spent more than have my lif behind bars which I managed to find a way to use there to prison it is easyer to use there than on the streets because no one cares except if you don't pay the bill. I will not glorify my amount of useage but I uesd to die. If you are turly at bottom then you need to find the reason to get and stay clean not on how much you used just my opinion, please don't be offended.
If you need to talk I am here and I allways have advice it's easyer to give it than to take it