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Old 05-22-2004, 04:00 PM   #1
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Jotter30 HB User
Any Advice......

Hello everyone. This is my first time on so forgive me if I babble. By last February I was taking 70-80 10/500mg Lortabs per day. I started taking for legitimate reasons and it just got out of control. I am a 30 year old professional, anyone USA, don't drink and have never done other drugs. It got so bad that I began writing my own scripts as well as calling them in. I finally was caught and am now in a terrible legal battle.. Fortunatley, I am not poor and have hired 2 of the best criminal attorney's in my state. I have not taken any pills in over 3 months and don't want to (other than small doses per my doctor) and am wondering if anyone has any advice in regards to: I have abused hydrocodone for so long (I have no liver damage and am in tip top shape) that my brain chemistry is so screwed up. That is, I used to be peppy, up beat etc. and although I don't feel bad persay, I'm just not my old self....Clear as mud? If anyone has been in this situation you know what I mean and would love any feedback. I look forward to hearing from you.

 
Old 05-22-2004, 06:04 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: FLORIDA
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chefob1 HB User
Re: Any Advice......

i was there too boss...eating 50 tabs a day...now on 60 mg of methadone cause of chronic pain/addiction...lost 300,000home thru divorce,lost two kids 9 and 12...lost ever materilalistic thing i owned and am finally gettin my life back together...have a new girlfriend and we bought a small cafe here in fla...im 44 and a executive chef...have lots of medals,been to the white house ect......then my world fell apart in 2001....its been a long hard road back.....my new doc who i met a year ago is a recovering addict and writes my scripts and is helping me put it all back together....we go to a/a mtgs together every sunday p.m. and mondays if i can get out of here..i work 120hrs a week and am diligently working on my recovery....i cant go thru this crap anymore...god bless ya...this board is good for me since i can step out of the kitchen and read/write...it helps me alot.....chef

 
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Old 05-22-2004, 06:15 PM   #3
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dschne HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Wow chef that just really hit me hard that is what I was facing prety soon if I wouldnt have stopped . For me my addictionoligist Doc is also a AA 16yrs sobriety so I cant ******** this guy like cheat and take my SUB and hydro and did try that 1 day the first day wWOW TALK ABOUT A HEADACHE didnt do that again flushed em.anyways your shory story was inspiring to me.Thanks buddy.
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daniel

 
Old 05-23-2004, 01:07 AM   #4
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Banker HB User
Re: Any Advice......

So you already take Suboxone? If so, how much?

 
Old 05-23-2004, 04:22 AM   #5
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Re: Any Advice......

What is Suboxone? No I don't take anything...

 
Old 05-23-2004, 09:59 AM   #6
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KIMBEE HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Jotter, hI, You say you havnt taken any thing in three months, how did you quit? Just curious you didnt mention how you stopped. Suboxone is a new medication for opiate addiction, it takes away all withdrawl and helps one get there life back in order. I am on it for maintenance, I am a chronic relapser. Some only use it for detox only, and others like myself use it for maintenance. It has definatley saved my life! How long did you say you were using? Have you ever relapsed in the past? 80 pills that is a lot of tylenol. Have you had your liver checked? I was taking any where from 30 to 40 daily and some days it actually made me sick. Hang in there 3 months is doing very good. You mentioned being in a brain fog, thats the one thing Suboxone does for me it makes me feel so much clearer. I did not realize what a fog I was in. I think it also helps me with my depression. I wish you lots of luck with your legal problems. Stay strong!!

 
Old 05-23-2004, 12:18 PM   #7
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Jotter30 HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Hey Kim,

I did a bit of research on Suboxone. As I'm sure you know its also a controlled opiate, albeit, re-engineered in much lower doses than what is given via pain meds. I actually didn't use anything other than some clonidin. After taking up to 85 per day, and having used everyday for the most part for 2.5 years, I was suprised the withdrawls weren't worse. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be in Hell than go through it again, but i managed. Now I just have really bad anxiety, and the 'fog' which I'm hoping will disipate with time. The anxiety I think is from the legal issues. Its tough because I just have never done anything wrong in my life, nor have I since. Thats whats so hard to deal with. Excuse my language but I had the world by the b**** and now....well, there's a chance I can get it all back, but its going to be an uphill battle.....

 
Old 05-24-2004, 07:02 AM   #8
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JenC523 HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Dear Jotter30,

This also is my first time posting anything to this board, but felt compelled to respond to your message. I've been reading posts for a couple of months now, and thought to myself...."Am I the only person out here who was taking as many pills a day as I was?" (about 50-60 pills a day) People write about taking 2-3 Hydros a day.....or 4-5 Vikes a day....Either they aren't being honest with themselves or with us, or I am the only person who was eating the pills like candy. I can relate to you for several reasons....the first one being the amount you were taking. The second reason is your legal situation. I too got caught writing my own scripts. My life was quickly spinning out of control. This all happened 4 years ago, but in many ways, it still feels like yesterday. I have never, ever, felt such incredible shame and guilt for what I put my husband through. He fortunately stuck by me, and supported me in whatever way he knew how. It sounds as though you were able to just stop taking the pills on your own?? I went into rehab the day after I was arrested. I will share more about my recovery when I feel "safe" on these boards (just my own hang-up) I guess after all of my babbling, what I really wanted to share with you is.....you will feel "clear as mud" for a while. How are you sleeping? If you aren't sleeping well, that has a lot to do with how you are feeling during the day. I would think that your legal situation isn't helping much with having a "clear head". I don't know what you may be facing legally, I was facing prison time, which was the absolute scariest thing I could ever imagine. I have small children, and my family knew nothing of my situation. I had a wonderful attorney, who is now a great friend. I was also fortunate to have the lead detective on my case, who had met with me several times, to actually be speaking on my behalf in court. I had never been in trouble before, but that doesn't matter a whole lot when you screw up as badly as I did. I have much to share....when and if you want it. I do not preach, I do not judge, I do not pretend to know more than anyone else. I only know that in the end, I learned a great deal about myself through this ordeal, and when you share your experiences with others, it helps in your own recovery as well.
Good luck to you, I will be thinking of you.

PS - I am on probation....will be for a long time. That's okay, I didn't have to do any time, but it was a close one....very close.

Take Care, JenC

 
Old 05-24-2004, 09:00 AM   #9
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Jen-C - I'm one of the 4-5 a day. For two reasons: one--I don't get more than that! :-) And, two, when I take more than one at time...or even tried one an hour--I got sick. Really sick!!! But I know how most people do not have that reaction--and their dosage just goes up and up. And I feel so bad for them. I guess I'm lucky to have a body that rejects large amounts. (But I have to be honest and say that's what's helped me keep it so under control.) Welcome to the Board...and please stay and talk to us whenever you feel like it. :-) Lynn

 
Old 05-24-2004, 09:12 AM   #10
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no patience HB User
Re: Any Advice......

jotter i totally know what your going through got of 50 mgs of methadone a day it's been almost 4 months and my brain is still not running normally thought iwas the only one i totally feel like there is apart of me missing like methadone took it right out with it i totally sympathize with you i guess its suppose to take a while for our brain to go back to normal but i'm still waiting take care kelleigh

 
Old 05-25-2004, 10:31 AM   #11
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Re: Any Advice......

Hi Jenc,

Thank you for your message. Wow lots of simularities. Its nice to know there are other good folks out there that make stupid mistakes. Its great to hear that you not only have made peace with yourself and your family but also those around you inclusive of your attorney. Believe it or not, I sleep pretty well. Its not the lack of drugs that keep me up when I can't sleep but the anxiety of everything happening. My court dates begin the 2nd week in June. I have lived in manhattan for 7 years and had recently taken a year off work and moved to TN to help my sister who has 4 kids and divorcing her physician husband (uninvolved by the way). The police took both of my cars and my father is making me stay with him while I am doing therapy and waiting to get the court stuff taken care of. So I am not driving and unfortunatley giving up 2 months during my favorite time of the year. Long story short, kinda isolated. Total people person and love to be outdoors hiking, traveling etc. Needless to say I'm catching up on movies and bored to death, but keep telling myself its better than the alternative. My partner is relocating here for the 2 months I'm at my fathers which is good and will help. Just ready to get on with my life... Look forward to hearing from you.

 
Old 05-26-2004, 06:33 AM   #12
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JenC523 HB User
Re: Any Advice......

Hey There "Jotter"

So nice that I heard back from you, believe it or not, I have thought of you so often. I guess your story takes me back to my own. You had mentioned that you were staying with family, and although they are around, I'm not sure if they are being supportive of your situation. I found that people having no experience with addiction, even knowing anyone with an addiction problem, were not terribly understanding. It is hard to grasp that someone seeming to "have so much going for them" would throw it all away for the almighty pills. I myself can't believe the risks I took over and over again knowing one day I would probably get caught. Needless to say, we aren't the most rational people when in the midst of addiction. I don't know why, but I had a hard time being called a "drug addict." Like many people, I probably had this misconception of what one looks like. I've learned that an "addict" is just like everyone else out there...yes...even professionals, doctors, judges, teachers, moms, dads, you name it.
If you don't mind sharing...what kind of therapy are you in? Is it group therapy, outpatient 30 day rehab, or something of the like? I still can't believe you got off everything on your own....no meds or anything to help with your withdrawl? When I went into rehab, by the second day, the nurses and doctors were convinced I needed additional meds because of the severity of my withdrawls. I was already on everything that was normally given in the detox treatment, but I guess I just took way too many pills for way too long. The doctor started me on Methadone, and it has saved my life. I never even had heard of it before then. Now I know you will hear all kinds of opinions about Methadone, God knows I've heard them all. The bottom line is....it has been a life saver for me. I have never been able to stay clean before...never, no matter what or how I tried. I think people think you get a buzz from it, but if you do, you are probably getting too high of a dose. For me, it has stopped any and all withdrawl symptoms, and has blocked any craving for using. I'm glad to hear that you seem to be doing fairly well, I truly hope things continue to go this well for you.
One last thing, you mentioned that your partner will be moving out to stay with you during this 2 month ordeal. I am so happy to hear that. I think you'll find that it will help to have that one person who becomes your "rock." It really does help to have that one "outlet" that is safe, and genuine, and loving. Use it....it will help. Let your partner help you, and don't be afraid to ask for help...even if it means you want to talk about things (yes...again!) Anyway, I'm happy for you that your partner is coming.
I really hate to sound like I know more than anyone else about this stuff...I can only share what I have learned...but I'm sure I have much to learn myself. I can tell you this, and I swear this is the truth...I feel better about my life and about myself than I ever have before. This entire experience, the addiction, the legal battle, etc...has made me grow in a way I never knew I could. I have never felt such peace, and that is something I had always yearned for. I think I was trying to find it in those pills. Little did I know they were getting in the way....oh well, another lesson learned I guess. Try to hang in there and stay calm, if you can, about your legal situation. Keep me posted, I am interested in how things turn out for you. Until next time......

 
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