I have not posted much latly, got some problems going on figured I would ask for feedback. I go to meetings, but some stuff it is hard to get out in a meeting. Well I got clean from coke, and morphine last feb. Will have 90 days on the 26th of this month. I am now dealing with the disaster of my past. I have very little money left after I pay bills due to blowing bonus, and taking out too many loans, poor judgement due to attict behavior. Well I have a wife that is pregant with our third child. A boy thank god for that, I already have two girls 3 and 5, beautiful. She got pregant when I got out of treatment in Aug 03 I soon relapsed and got clean again on feb the 26 04. Well when I got out of treatment in Aug 03 she keep't talking about how she wanted one more child. I told her that I did not think we were ready for that, but she quit taking her med's to block that, and told me not to wear protection. I did not resist. I love my children and two wanted a boy, but she made the decision, but that is done with. The problem is now with our money situation. I am on a tight budget. She knows this she does not work. Today she wanted to bring a girl to clean the house and pay her. Well 1st of all ronda never cleans the house, i understand she is far along in pregancy, but she can run wherever she needs too, but cannont even take her plate to the sink when she finishes and lets the kids trash the house. She is always bored, but when you ask her what she wants to do, she dosent know. I tried to take them to the movies yesterday, but when we got there I had 25 dollars it was going to be 22 to get in so since she could not have coke and popcorn none off us got to go. And she was the one that insisted we do something. Drove all the way out to the theater and turned around. I went to the grocery store last week spent 200 this weekend she was hungry and said there is nothing to eat. I named everthing, chicken, hamburger, pork chops, green beans, rice differnt types, chicken volie, pizza's, so-on she said she did'nt want any of that it is what we always have, she did'nt want to mess the kitchen because she had just cleaned it. She is impossible to make happy. And always wants to spend money on wants, when we have too many needs to pay for now already. I do all the laudry, and also help with the house a lot, more than she, plus work 40 hours a week. She always just goes and lays in bed. She is depressed, but what can i do. Whenever I suggest something when she is bored or hungry, she says no so i am tired of trying. She just gives up on everthing and goes to bed. Also we have not sex life. It is wrong off me, but she is just so big that I am not attracted to her at all. I don't say anything, and tell her she looks nice, but she picks up on it because i never want to have sex. I am so much happier many times when she is gone. Whenever we are home together, she complains about the house, money, so-on to me and there is nothing I can do, I am also stressed out about these issues, but I am doing all I can do, it will get better it is just going to take some time. I just wish we could make the best out of these hard times, but she chooses to be depressed about them, and give up on trying to have a good time without spending a lot of money. I am looking for a second job. I love the kids and could not stand to not live with them, I love her too, but its just like I don't know. She got pregant when we were dating and that is why we got married, somtimes I wonder If I would be happier in a different situation. She is also an addict, quit pills last september after me, and is struggling to give up pot now. I get down too, but I try to clean some, if she would just clean a little everday, but she does'nt she takes two weeks off after she cleans. So whenever she cleans it is a big job, then she lets it go until its a big job again. Her only hobby is shopping. I spend 200 month in gas, we have a tahoe and she is always out driving around because she is bored, but not getting anything done. It is just a constant fight with her, or me trying to cheer her up or make her happy, and I don't have the money to buy her happiness today, and it should not be that way. We still have a nice house, nice car, and ****** car that i often drive to work. We have food in the house, phone's, all the necessitys. I am going to NA now any advice will be comforting. I know the answer probably just want some support. I can't leave her. We are going to church conseling, but nothing is changing except me.
Thank you in advance....
Wow, your story is very familiar. Your wife is depressed that's for sure, she can take Wellbutrin during pregnancy as I did. She probably has the down's w/no more pills and being hugely pregnant, and she also seems to have a hold on you due to your 'romps with drugs' and she seems to be using that to 'control' you and whatever she wants to do. This isn't good, you will never be happy, and she isn't until you get to the root of all of this. Church counseling is a good start, but truthfully, people usually aren't being 'that honest' w/in a church environment due to shame etc. I know you probably don't have $$$ for outside help but there are organizations that help w/minimal cost according to your wages. I wish you could do that, but you probably have to wait til after the birth of the baby, in meanwhile, I would get her on some Wellbutrin, or whatever her OB thinks. I wish you well, lastyls
well JCK (Sorry I dont have a name to call you) Im Cade, I'd say I was in somewhat of the same situation, I was pretty big into cocaine in my teens, up and down and soon began smoking heroin and cocaine when my g/f became pregnant, I was able to clean up when my daughter was born but her mother was a real downset for me, I stayed clean though for 4 1/2 years, She was very lazy, messy, She put on at least 40lbs and I wasnt very attracted to her nor did I ever want to have sex, and im not saying "unattractive women dont fit my needs" she had a personality that just made her plain damn UGLY But I was happy, I was the bread winner and I was in control of my daughter, life, I worked out a lot, and had conrtol of the situation period. It wansn't until november of 2002 when I finally started seeing a friend of mine from the past and gave my daughters mother the boot, I had been on Morphine at the time actually because I suffered neropathy from several deep skull fractures. I started doing coke again while taking the MS Contin and was going down hill fast, I stumbled upon a life that was eating at me too much, My friends were dying on me and I was dying, I became very distant from my daughter (thank god for my parents) I was at a good 20/20 (crack and heroin) a day, that with alcohol put me way over 7-8 grand a month. Also I have 2 sisters that cared for me very much, I underwent 8 treatment centers last year, inpatient, Methadone and Suboxone. I waited months, stayed clean, nothing got better, All the bills were in my name so I was in pretty big debt after spending 10 and thousands on treatment centers and my X's car was in my name also so I had extra baggage, my home was in my name, credit cards, and on top of that I was very lonley, thin, aged, and had scars all over my body from IV use. I actually miss that lazy, messy girl because she kept me in check, I knew if I didnt handle the situtation no was was going to and that just made me stronger. I put my foot down and she backed off. I had a point here.....
Oh..... I made a very dumb decision, I thought to fast, what you need is a lot of time to think alone, if leaving your wife is your only option think it over first, firgure out what is better for you. Talk to her and MAKE her listen to you. Getting support is the right thing, Im not an support group guy but If NA is working for you then stick to that program and be strong, I never thought i'd see the day but things are getting way better for me. A Chapter 7, I kept my home, my truck, some visits with an estitition, Im back in the gym, got some color back and most of all I got my daughter back and made some new friends. Just dont give up, With your post it seems like you're heading toward the "left side", push your way back over to the right.
Let just tell you from being a pregnant woman before, hormones can reake havoc on you! You can be okay one minute and crying or mad or depressed the next! Granted, this is not your fault and your wife needs to take that into consideration and try to be conscious of your feelings but you, too, can keep in mind what her body is going through!
Counseling sounds great! Grass always "seems greener on the other side" when in most cases, it is not! Remember that! Love and committment and marriage are very hard work but if you make an effort (which it appears to be that you are doing) it will be so well worth it!
I suggest too, that you sit down with her and communicate (gently, ofcourse, remember, hormones! ) how you are feeling and ask for her feelings as well. Communication can make or break a marriage- it is vital! And no partner in the marriage is a mind reader. My husband reminds me of that often! Express your frustrations and concern about your money situation and ask for her feedback! Surely, if you do these things in a lovingly and respectful manner, your wife will surely have to respect how you feel and possibly make some accomadations that you can both be happy with. If not, continue with professional counseling.
Best of luck to you. Keep at it- divorce is the easy way out! (Don't everyone jump on me for that- I know sometimes it is inevitable but couples often don't work hard enough!) Yes, it is WORK, but again, well worth what you put into it! Good luck and God bless,
Thanks for the feedback, I don't want to leave her I just get so frustrated so often after work yesterday we had to go to the suboxone doc in my home town about an hour away. The kids stayed with her mom. We got along pretty well. The kids add so much stress, who knows what its going to be like with 3. But today I left my keys in the car when she dropped me off at work this morning. She called me 45 minites ago and said she was leaving to come get me. Its a 15 minute drive. Then I had to use 200 dollars of some money she took from me when I was using heavy, to keep us off the over draft. Well I have not been able to pay her back, and she is driving me crazy for it, but the reason I can't pay her back is for paying our house payment, her 100 hair cuts, and grocerys, insurance, her and mine doc bills, and so-on. She wants to send our 3 year old to a private preschool that is 1200 a year in the fall, I would too, but I don't have 1200 a year right now, and she gets mad at me for all this. I got my hopes up today about when I was off for medical leave going to treatment I did not get paid. Over the weekend I thought maybe I could get unemployment for the 6 weeks of pay I missed 6000 dollars I missed before taxes. Well the HR person here said I had to have been able to work while I was off to recieve that. So that was a let down. And the second job I am waiting on I don't know when it will happen. I have to wait till someone quits. It is just getting harder and harder to make it. after i pay my house payment, insurance, and catch up on back money I've wrote out in checks the last day or two I'm broke for the next two weeks. I did this too myself, so I will just have to make the best out of it. But ronda get very upset also and blames me for everthing. She plays a part also. It was not only buying drugs that got us here it was also poor judgement and carelessness. Well thanks for the support I will look forward to more. Good Night...
I kinda meant what she said... I was just a bit rant
It really just needs to click that you guys need to get back on track and she's going to have to help. How are you going to stay sober if you're a nervous reck? It sounds like a little more than hormones though. Does she attend the meetings with you? M brought up a good point, i myself have a good support system, but we dont communicate well at all. It runs you in circles.... How about a good clinical social worker?