michelle???My belle... - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

sadsister · 05-27-2004, 06:08 AM

Hi mich-
Just wondering what happened w/ the sub doc..
I was reading some of your posts recently-and i can really sense your frustration and pain-...Lady..i do totally understand-and i will be completely honest-if i wasn't on the sub i don't think iid be off the drugs right now.
You described you life like a rollercoaster-i know that feeling all too well-i really felt like my life was reduced-to getting/doing/thinking only of drugs..
Ive seen so much/felt so much pain-torn apart by wanting to do drugs-couldn't get off that rollercoaster...
I guess i wanted to say-you are not alone-as you know-this board says it all-we are all struggling to get better/and help each other-all in differant places emotionally-but still we all know that pull-those cravings-and the relief we get w/ opiates.And-we also know the depression/alienation/despair and hopelessness to be caught in the web.
I guess i just wanted to let you know-that i understand-you are trying very hard to get things going-for yourself/family/etc..even so i know you are still battling the cravings/need to use.
I really believe if you just go w/ the sub therapy-and really put the pills down-and go w/ it-you'll find you don't need the vikes anymore.
Its the going back/forth and relapsing while doing the sub-that really works against it.
When i did the sub-but also used(relapsed)-it really messed me up-esp. w/ percs/vikes-it made me crazed.
You just gotta do the sub-and you should really try therapy-i know-i always suggest that-but ill tell you-this last couple years i really have come to terms w/ some very heavy issues in my life-the ones that led me to low self image/and depression-and ultimately addiction.Cos we don't use drugs cos everythings great!Enhancement?maybe-more like blocking out reality/pain-etc.
It really is changing me-that i feel like there is hope-like i don't really want to get all messed up again-im learning to care about myself...something i never did-i hated myself...
I just wanted to let you know-i care about whats happening to you-and we are all a work in progress.
I think this program can really help you-just really make a commitment to it-and you'll see the benefits-no more rollercoaster.
Much love-and God bless
Heather

Twinlynn · 05-27-2004, 06:37 AM

What a lovely letter for Michelle to open this morning! You explain so well the "roller coaster" vs. "the relief". I often wonder if some of my mental state, which can feel so "relieved" by pills, is actually CAUSED by them!!! Anyway, you have done so much to make your life better. I hope you've given yourself an "A++"!! :-)

John 808 · 05-27-2004, 10:35 AM

Thanks Heather!

It is so weird how you wrote about the sub and what this addicitionologist said about the sub????

I am a little reluctant to even share this with you b/c you are on it, but I think you are strong and secure enough in your decision to be on the sub, so here goes....

He said (mind you, this guy is a former cocaine addict, opiate addict, benzo addict, alcholic) that he WILL NOT prescribe the sub. He was on the bup injection form (like Chef was) when he was trying to recover and he said it just made things worse. He said, "Why put an opiate addict on another opiate to get clean? The sub is a long acting opiate the "clings" to your brain receptors like "mud." It "saturates" the brain and makes it all the more difficult for the addict in the long run. Much less, the little know long term side effects." I was just sitting there in silence- like, wow, okay...so, where do we go from here?

Basically, he is detoxing me at home using what I am already on- Lexapro and Xanax and he added Neurontin for stabilizing my moods and enhancing the Lexapro for depression and added Provigal (a stimulant) for energy and battling the lethargy. I will call him in one week and see him in two weeks. Now, I took my last sub tablet Tuesday night so it is out of my sytsem I think and I took everything he told me to and that stimulant has me "just fine." No lethargy, blahs, feel like I can clean, take care of children, etc., but a little "reved up" feeling (like I have had too much coffee??)???? But, I would rather feel this way than the over-whelming feeling of not being able to do anything and blah, ya know? He said that is the worst problem for sub detoxers is that it is not as intense as hydro detoxing but it last so much longer and the lethargy and depression often frustrate the patient and they end up using again. He said he has seen too many people come through his office needing help to get off the sub- he said it seems this doctor that put me on it then cut me off is doing that to alot of people and then they come to him for help???

So, there it is. I am okay right now. We'll see how it goes. Thank you so much for asking and for that awesome post. I appreciate your care and concern and hope that you can share your frustrations and concerns with me when your time comes to get off the sub (didn't you tell me your doctor wants to take you off now or soon?).

Thank you again and take care. Hugs,
miche

sammi · 05-27-2004, 06:44 PM

Hi Michelle,
I am so glad to hear you sounding so happy and positive about your recovery. I truly hope it will all work out for you.
Please don't think I'm trying to "rain on your parade" but one thing here does surprise me, why is your Dr allowing you to take Xanax. I understand you may not need to take it, but I know my Dr will not prescribe it or for that matter any other medication that is addictive to any of his patients that have an "addiction issue". I would like to say I am NOT trashing anyone who may need to take it because sometimes I think I
would like to have one. (Maybe I'm just jealous) ha ha
I know you are very careful with the Xanax and only take it as needed but I know we all start out by taking it "only" as prescribed.

I hear my little one's screaming so I'll be back later.
Sammi

John 808 · 05-27-2004, 08:15 PM

Sammi,

I was actually suprised myself that he okayed that, because he is a benzo addict.

I have been on them for about two years and my dose just slowly decreases. Granted, I will take one tonight which I usually never do, but, being in sub withdrawals and the whole insomnia thing AND and having to wake up to 3 little ones- hopefully that'll help me sleep a couple of hours or so.

Like I said in the earlier post, he said if I have taken them that long and after we discussed why and when I use the Xanax, he said he didn't see any addition problems there. It is a little odd being that they are so addictive but I usually hate the way the make me feel unless I am having some real anxiety issues or panic attack in which they just make me feel "normal." Oh well?

Doing okay- had a pretty big panic attack when the withdrawals set in ( I could "feel them coming.") and I called my doctor and by the time he called me back I had "worked through it." He said that is how sub withdrawals work sometimes- in "waves." They can come and go and be intense or mild. He said to be prepared for this for a couple of weeks!

Thank you for checking on me- how are things with you? Where are you now? Love to hear from you!

M