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Old 05-27-2004, 06:35 PM   #1
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Banker...

I haven't been around much lately, as I've been working my butt off lately, but I just wanted to say hello and see how are doing, as I have been thinking of you. I thought I caught a thread where you may have mentioned you sang recently...if so, that's great! Was it therapeutic and enjoyable? Hope your meds have stabilized and hope you are well. User

 
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Old 05-28-2004, 02:17 PM   #2
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Re: Banker...

Hey - Lord... I've got lots to tell... But, I'm at work so I'll fill you in this evening when I get home. Yes, went out - had a BALL! LOVE singing on stage and apparently I did well because the crowd loved it. Also, I had a lot of people hitting on me so maybe I'm hiding my weight pretty good??? Write me back and let me know how you are and when I get your response, I'll fill you in on what happened yesterday. It's a lesson I learned and maybe can help other people... BAD medication interaction... almost had to go to the ER. Anyway, let me know how you are doing... And thanks for thinking of me.

 
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Old 05-28-2004, 05:00 PM   #3
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Re: Banker...

Rock on!! You go girl!! I told you the weight deal is only your mind, didn't I! Sorry to hear about the ER, and I hope everything OK. I'm doing well as I approach the end of my first quarter of opiate sobriety. It seems like a distant past now. Check in when you get a chance. Take care, User.

 
Old 05-29-2004, 04:46 PM   #4
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Re: Banker...

Wow, the way you interact w/me and everyone else here... it seems like you've been clean a hell of a lot longer than just a quarter. Not that that is a short time... it's just odd... you know, you get a picture in your head and I just thought you were like a year or two. It's the same principle when you meet someone that is an authority figure and you find out they are actually about 6 inches shorter than you thought they were...

K - had a good week at work... Welbutrin is working wonderfully. I hope you don't mind me discussing this and if you are a father of any female children or married then you won't mind. (banking disclosure)... Anyway, it's getting closer to 'that time' for me and I haven't been crying or anything of the sort. It's like I've leveled out now from the depression. There were two days within the last week that didn't have the kids and I went out on one of them (that was the singing night)... had a blast. The guy I was with seems to like me, I think. I seem to be getting only men that are interested in you know what... But at least I am back in the dating world. I'm still extremely freaked about my weight.

Which leads me to my story. Went to my doc (regular MD - Not Sub doc) and he refilled my welbutrin 150 mgs because the 300 mgs was too much. Made me really sleepy. Anyway, while I was telling him how much better I was doing... but that I was still having eating binges... He said 'well, I'll give you some diet pills'. Those would be the stimulant kind. I told him I was concerned about those because of my high anxiety level (he also knows I take xanax) and I asked him about the kind that you just 'excrete' the extra fat if you eat any. You know, the medicine with all of those horrible side effects you hear on the TV. He said 'great idea'... I'll give you that one (xenical) He said that one would NOT affect seratonin levels or anything of the sort.

Needless to say, I was walking out of there on cloud nine... Thinking, I'm definitely going to lose weight now AND... this would solve my severe (and I mean severe) 'going to the bathroom problem' that opiates give you. I mean, severe. People ask me if I'm pregnant sometimes. I even told him I was worried about becoming dependant on laxatives and he said how often and I told him twice a week. He said 'nothing to worry about'. Of course, this is the exact same doc that gave me lortabs and percs whenever I wanted them, and I do mean whenever. He simply can't say no.

Anyway, I was PUMPED! I was so excited.... but I was also scared to take the pill because I really didn't know if I was going to have the side effect that they talk about which is the 'uncontrolable' part. So, I waited until after my date and was at work the next day... Took my welbutrin and one xanax (already had 1/4 dose of my sub) ... at lunch, took xenacal... About 45 minutes later, I began to feel really, really sleepy. I was completely out of it. I was sleeping at my desk. Went and talked to my manager about it - told him I was having a drug interaction (he knows about the depression and weight gain and anxiety - hell, he knows about the ADD more than anyone)... Anyway, he asked if he could drive me home and I said no, let me give this some time.

About two hours later, I was at my desk, talking out loud in my sleep... almost like I was halucinating or something... Called my sis and she came and picked me up and took me home. It was HORRIBLE. I was really scared to be by myself that night so I called a friend and stayed w/him and he took me to work the next a.m. I was completely out of it. I was scared... almost had him take me to the ER. Everytime I would drift off to sleep I was scared I wasn't going to wake up. Seriously, it was horrible.

I was still groggy the next a.m. but finally became o.k. It was a nightmare. So, there goes my diet pills... I called my doc that afternoon when it happened and he was gone but the nurse just told me to sleep it off... The next a.m. I called and the doc quickly told me that he would not give me ANY type of diet pills until I was 'stable on my welbutrin and xanax'.

So, that's my story and it was horrible. Who would have ever thought that a diet pill, especially one that doesn't even affect your brain or chemicals or anything would make me flip out like that? And I know, you called it --- so many docs that don't know the whole story... but I swear if this were my Sub doc who does know everything I'm taking, I promise you he wouldn't have known that I would have freaked out. I called three pharmacies and told them all of my meds and asked if anything interacted and they said NO! All of them.

So - I'm back to square one... I can't poop - which makes me look pregnant and I'm starving all of the time. I'm going to the health food store to see if there is ANYTHING there for constipation. I can't take it anymore. It's driving me crazy. I've taken every over the counter (and prescribed) laxative there is and nothing is working. I know it's gross as *&it to be talking about this but I'm serious.... It's becoming a problem and I'm scared that it's really going to cause me some serious medical problems if something doesn't change. This is the primary cause of me wanting to get off of Sub. But I'm so scared that I can't stay straight without it. I have my regular sub appt. on June 4th and my phsyc appt. (finally) is on the 7th. It's about time.

How about you? How have things been going? I'm excited you being clean for so long. You really are amazing... How are the cravings? Please tell me. Are you depressed?
Anyway, sorry for the long version but I had to ensure you understood all of the gross details

Take care and let me know how you are...

 
Old 05-30-2004, 06:28 AM   #5
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Re: Banker...

Just wanted to "pop in" and say HEY to you, Banker! Haven't chatted in a while, huh?

I couldn't help but laugh when I read your story! (Sorry!) I know that must have been horrifying for you, but you put a smile on my face this morning! Did you realize you were "talking in your sleep" at your desk or did someone tell you? Oh my!!! So, I assume you haven't taken any more diet pills? Duh??? Poor thing- I know you were probably stoked about them though! Well, when it is YOUR time to come off the sub, I bet, bet, bet you lose weight! I have lost 3 pounds in the five days I have been off! Weird, huh? Just don't risk your sobriety if you feel like your not ready- K? You know this!!!!!! And, the "other tummy troubles" should work itself out for you, too! I guess the sub has its pros and cons in life as does most things! But you have to be so proud that you have re-claimed your life to a certain degree, huh? I know I am proud of you- I remember when you first post to me (seems so long ago, but then it doesn't?????). You have come so far!!!

Okay, just realized what time it was! Gotta get ready for church! Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend and let me know if you pick up anymore guys out there singing!!!! LOL!!! You must have a great voice!!!! I am jealous- I am embarrased to sing in church because I know I sound like a frog with strep throat- ofcourse- the good Lord thinks I sound like an angel! And I am singing to Him, right? (I tried to convince myself of that and it doesn't work- feel to sorry for the people around me! Ha, ha!)

Okay, you take care and keep in touch, please mam!
michelle

 
Old 05-30-2004, 04:41 PM   #6
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Re: Banker...

Thank you for writing... I've missed hearing from you, Michelle. You sound good! K - five days off of Sub... what are you doing? Do tell, because you sound really good! You're absolutely right ---- if I came off of Sub, I guarantee that within a month, I would be back to normal weight and normal other stuff too (if you know what I mean)... the Welbutrin really helps me in lots of ways. I seriously don't think about taking Sub. I know they give it for quitting smoking but I swear it must help w/quitting drugs too. It has too. I have TONS of energy and I just feel better. I exercised today - and I mean intense work out. I've GOT to lose this weight. I think I've realized that I'm not going to find what I'm looking for in a pill. ( wait, did I just say that? That's hysterical coming from me) --- AT least for the weight loss part. I've got to just stop eating. But you guys don't understand. I'm starving ALL of the time. It's so bad - and I mean ALL of the freakin' time.

I'm just going to have to binge on apple slices... I just hope I can do it. I want to be in great shape so badly. I mean, so badly! Anyway, I've got another date tonight --- this guy is one of the nice ones. However, I seem to be going after the 'bad boys'. I think that's so I'll ensure I don't get serious... I don't think I can go through another heartbreak like I did in March. I'm still not over him.... and I'm not exactly doing things that I'm proud of as far as my dating life is concerned... if you know what I mean. It's like I'm desensitized to men and I'm trying to not get emotionally involved... It's just weird. This is just another issue that goes on my list of screwing me up, bigtime. However,... I shouldn't talk that way. I should take full responsibility for my actions and not blame my childhood, ex husband, custody battle or anything else. Right?

Now - fill me in on what you are doing to handle these sub withdrawals. Please? I'm still scared to get off of it... I just don't think I can handle FULL sobriety. Can't do it, at least right now.

 
Old 05-30-2004, 05:02 PM   #7
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Re: Banker...

So good to hear from you! You sound so much better than a couple of weeks ago and YEAH for that!

I know what you mean about feeling famished on the sub. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night just to eat when I was on it! The only thing I can compare it to is pregnancy cravings (and the men won't get that one!) You never feel like you are satisfied- ya know? But don't lose heart- I think if you do watch what you eat and exercise- it will start to fall off! I sure wouldn't get off the sub just because of my weight (don't think you would either)! And if you say, " I don't THINK I am ready-" then your're not! Just keep on keeping on and you'll know when the time is right and you feel prepared to tackle life without it!

I think the thing that helped this time is I was only on it (the sub) for about 7 or 8 days this last go round (hydros before then) and the meds this doctor has given me. This Provigal is a life-saver! Because that is the main reason I cave every time is the lethargy and blahs and this stuff "picks me right up!" (Now, watch me get addicted to this! LOL! It is a controlled substance but he says it is NOT addictive like Ritalin and some other stimulants. That would be my luck though- LOL!) And- and a big one at that- I have access to hydros right now- WOW! A first for me! I swear- I really do think it is the Provigal- plus- I am exercising more regularly and spending alot of time at the pool and not thinking about "things." Keep your fingers crossed though- still so far away from the "prize!"

Hope you have a good time tonight! Is this guy a cutie? Am I going to have to send you a book on the way southern belles should act on dates???? HUM???? LOL!!! Don't make me have to pull out the maroon and white scolding on you!!! Ha, ha! I am sure I will be eating those "maroon and white" words come football season!

Would love to talk more- have a screaming baby! Why do they start that as soon as you get on the phone or computer or whatever? UGH!!

miche

 
Old 05-31-2004, 04:48 AM   #8
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Re: Banker...

I think i might need that 'how to act like a southern belle without actually being one' book.... send that over when you get a chance. lol

I actually canceled my original date (he was 20 min late calling me) and I got mad so I canceled w/him and called up another guy and asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He was here w/bells on. The other guy.... day late and a dollar short. I'm not actually that mean... it's just the other guys never has treated me like a lady... if you can relate to that. In other words, if I offer to buy sometimes, great - but he takes me up on it EVERY single time. Never opens my door for me... and I've told him flat out that these are the kinds of things I like (chilvary) and he's a wimp and just doesn't do it. Anyway... doesn't matter - but I really like this other guy... but he could potentially be trouble and would anyone expect me to find any other kind of guy?

I'm extremely proud of you for being clean for this long without the use of an opiate. This is amazing. You are giving me hope that this can be done. How are you emotionally? What about cravings? Are you white knuckling it or what? Oh, and I guess you can imagine why I'm awake at 5:30 in the a.m.? You probably were awake about 3 - 4 hours ago w/the same storms... LOUD... cable is out. I HATE severe weather. Another extreme phobia of mine that I just can't deal with. Anyway, I'm heading back to bed... pray that my daughter sleeps in just a little longer today...

 
Old 05-31-2004, 03:48 PM   #9
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Re: Banker...

Those storms did me in last night- my children are terrified when the weather gets bad because about a year and a half ago a tornado came through our city- actually moved across the main street our neighborhood is off of- destroyed several homes, killed one person and injured many others. We had to get in the closet and you could hear it! My husband had raised our windows, so things were falling off the mantle and tables- very scary! Ever since then, my children freak out if the weather gets bad! One child came in at midnight, the second came in at 2:00 and the third came in a 3:30 (with a suprise bonus- had vomitted everywhere!) Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED!

Yes, please stay away from those "bad boys!" I used to love the type when I was younger and they got me into more trouble than they were worth!

I crave every now and then- I wouldn't necessarily say I was white-knuckiling it. I really think this Provigal the doctor prescribed is helping ALOT! Plus, I am spending alot of time outside at the pool. Keeping busy!

What do you do with your children during summer vacation? Does someone keep them or do they go to a daycare somewhere? Just curious how you handled that when they got out of school. Are they still enjoying your new church? I bet ya'll have Vacation Bible School! Ours is next week! YEAH!

Alrighty, hope you enjoyed your day off! God Bless America!
michelle

 
Old 06-01-2004, 06:09 AM   #10
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Re: Banker...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Banker
How about you? How have things been going? I'm excited you being clean for so long. You really are amazing... How are the cravings? Please tell me. Are you depressed?
Anyway, sorry for the long version but I had to ensure you understood all of the gross details

Take care and let me know how you are...
Banker,

It's me, and I am doing well, and thank you for asking. The only time I struggle is when my back is killing me, but I am exploring all of my options, and none of them are very appealing at this point. The only thing I crave is to live without pain, but I am exercizing, stretching and staying active, both mentally and physically. Popping Lortabs seems like a lifetime ago, now. The mental freedom that comes from not constantly thinking about getting more medication is a freedom I haven't enjoyed in ten years. I am taking full advantage of it. I am not depressed, and, in fact, just the opposite. As I look back at what my life had become...now that is depressing. I now have freedom to live my life, freedom to have normal body and brain function, and freedom to concentrate on my family and career. All of this far and away exceeds any temporary abnormal "high" from drug use. I am also finding that I check in here less and less, as it now seems I have less and less in common with most of the posters here. I hope no one takes this wrong, but I can't help it. I really wish those who are agonizing with the decision, and those who are unwilling to make the decision (the twins) could feel what I feel now, and truly believe they can live without these terrible drugs, and live well. Banker, you sound as good as you ever have to me, and it pleases me no end that your situation is stabilizing. I am glad you are singing, dating, and starting to enjoy life. Stay away from those non-gentlemen! ;-)

 
Old 06-01-2004, 10:39 AM   #11
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Re: Banker...

Hey you (if this is who I think it is)!

Please don't stop posting though- I know you aren't in the same boat as most of these people (me included) here but we need to hear support and suggestions from those who "have made it." Ya know?

Keep posting but stay away from those who like to talk politics and negatively at that (when it comes to the US)! Been there, done that with no avail! Ya know what I mean?

If this isn't who I think it is- just excuse this post as you probably have no idea what I am talking about! LOL!

michelle

 
Old 06-01-2004, 11:29 AM   #12
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Re: Banker...

Michelle, don't worry, I'll be around. This is therapeutic for me, so I'm not going anywhere. I was trying to articulate that it is different than it used to be, that's all. As for the anti-Yank stuff, I have travelled throughout Europe, and have many friends whom are British, and I can tell you that they don't have a clue as to what it means to be an American. Our opportunities are endless, and our work ethic so far exceeds theirs, that I wonder what ever gives them hope to realize the same dreams that are possible here. They plod on with their lives, almost conceding they are born into their level of achievement, and cannot realisitically expect anything beyond what their parents had. They think we are brash, non-comforming, aggressive...and you know what, we are! Isn't it great?! Do we have flaws? Of course, but this country, unlike any of those, was purpose formed for a good reason, and that reason makes our lives and great possibilities the envy of the world, otherwise, the immigrants would stop coming. Hope you are doing well. User

Last edited by X User; 06-01-2004 at 01:57 PM.

 
Old 06-01-2004, 03:29 PM   #13
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Re: Banker...

I have made a decision ---- I think X-User will be especially proud... I think Michelle might be a little worried. I'm coming off of Sub. I can't take it anymore. The side effects are killing me. Sorry to say - but this constipation is literally going to put me in the mental ward. AND --- I will not tolerate this appetite any longer. I've decided today to start the taper. I'm tired of being fat and I'm tired of literally being in extreme pain from not going to the bathroom. When you take 4 tablespoons of mineral oil for three days straight and nothing happens..... you can't tell me that something is not major wrong w/my colon, digestive tract, etc. I'm tired of it... and I'm ready to fight the fight. I've gotten used to living my life facing the world without any 'rose colored glasses' and I'm ready. X-User - I need your help. Michelle, I need your help. You are doing this and I need you, desperately. I need to know how to taper and everything. I'm ready and I've never been more ready in my life!

Gotta run but you both have helped me in making this decision and showing me that I have control over my life. This is it!!! These stupid little, bad tasting, constipating, little bast*rds will get out of my system, once and for all!

 
Old 06-01-2004, 04:56 PM   #14
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Re: Banker...

banker i think you have made a wise decision on gettin off the sub.you may have a packed bowel and have to go to hospital to get treatment.these are just some of the side effects of sub and so many others that we dont know about yet.i hope it did not mess up my brain while i was on it.from may to jan 1st 04.banker you have been pill free long enough now to be able to get off sub and live a clean life and resist cravins.this is the only way to be trulely clean whether we like it or not.im backin ya all the way and you can take that to the bank lol.i think that in the next couple of years they will do away with sub cause so many people cannot get over the w/ds unless they are really ready to.you are ready and your health is at stake get that poisen out of your body asap-spark

 
Old 06-01-2004, 06:47 PM   #15
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Re: Banker...

Spark - thank you! Now, I need you too! Tell me everything. How did you get down to .5 mgs? How fast did you do it? What were you on and how bad did you feel like crap afterwards? Seriously, I've got three kids I have to take care of but based upon what I've read.... I think I can do this and continue to work and everything. I'm a tough cookie - I think most addicts are. If we can tolerate wds after wds with other opiates, then I can do this. Hell, If I can have a baby with a c-section and take care of her with two other kids BY MYSELF... then I can do this. The only thing I hate, is that when I'm ready to do something, I want to do it and get it over with..... I never could do the taper thing w/lortabs... so I'm going to HATE doing this taper w/Sub. I don't want it to go on forever. But I'm taking 12 mgs per day... sometimes I take 16... I want to drop down to like 4 mgs NOW! But I think I'll probably feel pretty sick... don't you? Tell me how you did it and everything. Now listen... I cannot take any other opiates to relieve the wds symptoms when I get off. If I do, I will relapse... no question about it. So I have to do this entirely with no opiates AT ALL when I finally stop the sub. I know that if I have ONE pain pill.... then it will all start all over again and I will end up losing everything this time.

I know you and Michelle used other pills to assist w/the wds... I can't do it. I don't have the will power to control the usage of any opiates that I can get a high from... Know what I'm saying? So, tell me how I can get off of this.... with as little discomfort as possible without taking other pain pills. Am I asking you to solve world peace? I'm afraid I'm asking too much but I just need someone to give me the answers.... people fear the unknown the most and that's what I'm scared of the most... is how am I going to feel? Am I going to have a seizure from withdrawing? I can almost guarantee that when I stop completely, this weight will melt off of my body. I won't feel like eating and I will be going to the bathroom non stop. Think I should take a week off of work? I want off of them NOW! And the biggest question of all is this ----- what is my plan to stay clean? My goodness... meetings? That scares me but I don't see any other way to stay clean... Unless I get someone to manage every dime I spend for the first 90 - 120 days of being entirely clean?

Here is the other question ---- what if I crave REALLY badly and go searching for lortabs after a month? Will I be able to revert to a pinch of Sub instead of going and getting 30 - 50 lortabs? Just wondering how I'm going to handle the cravings. Are the cravings worse coming off of Sub than they are coming off of lortabs? I'm sorry for so many questions... but you guys have to give me as much info as you possibly can. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 
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