ambero

I am new here, and I'm not feeling good; so please excuse my spelling etc.

I am a heroin addict, but I've been off the dope for 6 years. I did it through methadone, then eventually got off the methadone too.

After being clean for about a year, my anxiety was overwhelming and made me incapable of working or anything. After trying a million meds, we eventually settled on 20 mgs Lexapro (antidepressant) and 4 mgs Ativan a day.

I abused the Ativan; so in an effort to get off it, we switched to valium (10 mg twice a day) last month. The Valium feels awful -- like it does NOTHING, and I started cuttinging myself and shaking constantly and my anxiety got worse than ever. But when I called my doctor, he was away, and the doc covering didn't want to change anything.

STUPIDLY, I remembered that methadone really helped with anxiety; so I bought two bottles, and I drank them for the last 6 days -- about 35 mgs a day over 6 days.

Am I addicted to the methadone again already? I don't want to buy it again. I don't want to be addicted again. I will deal with the detox, I guess (meanwhile, the Valium seemed to work OK with the meth - surprise surprise.)

I KNOW THIS WAS THE DUMBEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE. I ALREADY FEEL LIKE ***** ABOUT MYSELF.

What I'm asking is can I do this on my own? Stop the methadone? It's gone, and I really don't want to buy another bottle illegally. I don't want back on a program. I just was insane with anxiety, and I wasn't thinking clearly (obviously -- cutting myself was a dreadful idea too, and a throwback to old habits too.)

I don't want to tell my doctor. I want to just stop the methadone and gradually decrease the Valium like we planned. I know I've made it harder on myself -- anyone have a clue about how bad this is gonna be? Can I do it on my own? Will I even have bad withdrawal after such a low dose for a week?

What should I do? Can anyone help? I'm in therapy, but I haven't told my doctor. I really don't want to. Any ideas would be very much appreciated. Even just support without ideas -- I feel like such a fool, and I feel really depressed over how idiotic I was.

Thanks -- sorry to be a downer in first post here. Thanks again -- ambero