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Old 08-07-2004, 10:20 AM   #1
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Weed is ruining my relationship

Hello all, this is my first post. I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place, I don't really know what order I should be writing these things in.

I'm engaged to be married and have been for about 1 year, and we're planning on marrying next year. My fiance and I seem to have the perfect relationship, we've lived together for the last 2 years, we're together all the time, we're each other's best friends, I just can't put into words how good of a relationship we have. All our family and friends agree that we're great together. We really balance each other out. But there's 1 problem in our relationship: He smokes pot and I don't. We come from very different families and have been brought up very differently. I come from a house where no one smokes and rarely drinks. He came from a house where both his parents tried drugs and his father left when he was 3, and his mother told him all his life that "no one can control you" and she also was extremely laid back in raising him and let him do anything (including smoking cigs, pot and drinking at a very early age). We've been together for almost 4 years and I can't imagine not marrying him.

Well, when we first met he told me he smoked weed and said that it couldn't be a problem in our relationship. At that point I didn't really care, and I said it wouldn't be. At the beginning I hung out with him and his friends while they smoked and it was a little uncomfortable for me, but I dealt with it. He loved that he finally found someone who was okay with pot. But more and more often the affects of the pot on him really bothered me... he would act completely different to me and forget things (like picking me up) and after a year I said that he had a problem and it was pot or me. At this point he was smoking every week, several times, but I guess it was better than before he met me (he smoked several times a day and needed it to fall asleep). He also had stopped smoking cigs before he met me and was just smoking pot. We had become so close so fast and he didn't want to lose me, so he stopped. But soon he became resentful that he stopped for someone other than himself, and listened to what his mom said about not letting anyone control you, and behind my back he began smoking pot and cigs. After months of fighting and then finding out the truth, we had to seriously think about whether or not we wanted to continue the relationship. We both love each other and decided to try for a few months, and if things weren't better we'd call it quits. Well those few months were amazing.. we became emotionally closer than ever and I decided this time to be the one to give in and let him smoke. He was so happy, and we were so happy. We eventually moved in together, but had some ground rules: that he would never smoke in our apartment and he would never buy it, but just smoke if someone offered it to him. So for the next 2 years on a day to day basis things were wonderful and we finally decided that we wanted to take the next step and got engaged. But soon I became resentful of his smoking (which was now once every 1-2 months). I felt like he was choosing pot over me, and I didn't understand that if he was hardly smoking at all, then why couldn't he just stop altogether? Every time he'd come home stoned it would be a huge arguement and we'd be up all night fighting, and it never led anywhere. I eventually came to the conclusion that it was pot or me.

Well, we just graduated college and to save up money for a car, a house, and the wedding, we've moved in with my parents. My family loves him and so it's not weird to have to live with my parents, but it has been edgy sometimes (I've been out of the house for the 4 years of college). This topic has made it hard to live with my family, if we argue at night my mom knows about it. I'm at a point where if someone mentions weed I cringe because of the problems it's caused in our relationship. He smokes because he says it's a spiritual thing, and says things like alcohol and coffee are drugs too and they're worse than weed. He always goes off listing all these statisitics about how it's not that bad for you, and he demands to know why I'm so against it. He says it's just because I've come from a family where "drugs are bad" and that's it. The truth is I don't know why I hate it so much. I didn't hate it at the beginning of our relationship. I think it's that I've come from a family where I've seen my parents happily married for over 30 years, and to me, if someone in the relationship is hurting from something the other person does, you stop it because it hurts the other person. To him, he thinks I'm trying to control him. Maybe I am, but I don't feel like I am. Anyways, we both want to make this work and we both want to go for couples therapy, but we're both out of college and looking for jobs (and have no health insurance). The last month he's broken his word a few times about small things, and he says it's because it relates to the weed issue and he can't tell me the truth because there will be a huge fight. We've tried letting him smoke and him not telling me, but he feels there is this "huge part of his life that he can't talk to me about". We're both at our wits end and we're both thinking, should we really get married?

We had a serious talk recently about this and the state of our relationship. He says he needs to stop when he wants to, and that it's his life and he should be able to do whatever he wants. I look at it as it's affecting me and our relationship so it's our life together, not just his. I feel like I'm not good enough reason for him to quit. Anyways, he went on this camping trip with his friends and we didn't talk for 2 days (which is long for us) and he said he thought a lot and doesn't want to lose me. We really talked when he came back and I said the one thing I want in life is a family, and that I'm strictly against him smoking when we have children. We agreed that for the time being, until we get health insurance and can seek therapy, that we'd have to both give a little: I'd let him smoke and not get angry, but that he'd only do it once every 1-2 months, not every week. Well he's been doing it once every week and I feel he's not pulling his end of the bargin. Last night we fought about it and he didn't come home and stayed with a friend. He sounded so different, so distant. He was yelling at me saying it's my fault, that I yell at him and make him feel like a child, and that I can't control him. I'm not trying to control him, but I feel we're in such a commited relationship that all of our actions will affect the other person. I told him if he wants to be on his own he needs to say so. He says he loves me and wants to stay, but that even though we're getting married, he should be able to do whatever he wants. He just kept saying he needed time to think about us, and that he didn't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry if this post is ridiculously long, and I know no one hear is a therapist, but I've been hysterical about the idea of losing him. When I think about it intelligently, without my heart, I think maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's not like he's abusive when he smokes and the only reason why we fight is because I yell at him about it. I think, if I didn't yell at him about it, this wouldn't happen. I know he probably won't ever stop, and he pointed out that I fell in love with the person who's smoked all along, and that it's not like I don't know him. He says this is who he is, but I can't help but want him to stop. I honestly have no idea what to do, and I know it's truly up to me... but can anyone please tell me what to do or if they've been through this? I just don't know what to do anymore and I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm sorry about the length of this posting... this has been happening for almost 4 years and I tried to let people fully understand this so perhaps someone can really help me.

Do I sacrifice the whole relationship over this one thing, or should I learn to let this go and just "deal with it"?

 
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Old 08-07-2004, 10:42 AM   #2
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I really thought about your post and I was thinking, If he doesn't have a problem with weed, and he is only doing it a few times a month, why can't he make a decision that it is causing alot of problems in his realtionship and stop. I can't decide if you are trying to control him or not but, it really has nothing to do with the underlying issue that he refuses to give up weed, and is willing to lose the people he loves to continue to smoke a few joints.....sounds like a problem to me. I live in a city in Canada that has a cafe where people are allowed to bring in a small amount of weed and can smoke it in the cafe with thier coffee, if it is under a certain amount the police have decided to let it go; where I live weed is almost legal. The fellow that owns the cafe told me once that he believes also that weed is a spiritual experience and he uses it for health benefits, he then told me that he has never smoked a joint........he only will eat it in it's raw form, as it grows from the earth. He said that the argument that people try to say is that it is a "spiritual" experience is void the minute that they smoke it as it is then a drug. I have to side with you on this one, if the weed is so important to him that he is willing to cause these types of problems in his life, he has a problem. Whether you are controlling, or not has no validity in this case, as you are trying to set your boundaries around your beliefs around drugs, and drug use and I see nothing wrong with that.

 
Old 08-07-2004, 06:31 PM   #3
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

You need to learn a lot more about pot and other drugs. You say your family dosent use the stuff so you are clueless about the negatives of an addict lifestyle. Drugs are not something you can discuss and work out. You have got to tell him that the only way you would get married is if he gives up drugs altogether. He has a big problem, " a huge part of his life", with addiction and no one is happy married to an addict.

 
Old 08-11-2004, 02:42 PM   #4
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I don't think weed is a problem. I think you having a problem with it, is the problem. If you didn't care, there would be no problem. Just let him smoke, I mean anything less then once a day is almost nothing..

 
Old 08-11-2004, 02:54 PM   #5
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

Doesn't sound like a big problem to me. He sounds like a social drinker only he's using a safer drug. He'll probably grow out of it. Weed is, like, so high school. Occasional use is not really addiction in my book. I don't smoke the stuff cuz it makes me paranoid. Guess I'm getting old.

 
Old 08-11-2004, 03:11 PM   #6
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I understand how you feel...my husband has smoked pot off and on our whole relationship. I hate the way he acts on it, and what I hate worse is when he wants some but doesn't have any...he gets really angry. I have had the same conflicting thoughts that you describe, I understand!!!

The thing is, you CAN'T control him. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T. No amount of reasoning and talking and hashing it out is going to make him do what you want him to do. He has to want to stop or he won't. You have to make a decision about your relationship based on how it is and has been, not about how you want or hope it will be. Bottom line it...can you honestly be happy married to this guy who smokes pot?

I don't know what I think about whether it should be legal, whether it is that harmful, etc. etc. I just know that I don't like it and I don't like him on it. Also, we have a son, and that brings a whole other dimension to it. Having illegal activity going on in the home where you are raising a child is very dangerous. Someone makes an anonymous tip or something, and CPS gets into your life and that is a nightmare noone wants. I am no angel, I have also done things that are illegal and I don't mean to sound holier than thou. I have just learned the hard way about the effects of drugs in a relationship, and you are in a position right now to make a choice. Once you are married and have kids, your choices become much more complicated. Not saying that your choice now is going to be easy or that if you choose to end the relationship that it will be any less heartbreaking. But it will be a lot less complicated and easier for you to get on with your life if you make the choice now rather than later.

And if you choose to keep him, then choose that knowing who and what he is and without expecting him to change. If you can really say that you can get over his infrequent pot smoking, then that is wonderful! You have a lot of soul searching to do...just do it based on what is best for YOU. Take care

 
Old 08-11-2004, 03:28 PM   #7
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I have to say that I have been withthe same man for 9yrs and it started out as pot and now it's crack, cocaine, was using meth...horrible. he changes so much while smoking pot and I feel like the more I get on him the more he'll rebel and do it. we are the best of friends but know we will never get married. he needs help and needs to go inpatient. I would never marry someone like that with such a bad addiction simply for the fact that i don't need to be stressing myself out wondering when he is going to use again and if he doesn't call what he's doing or he could have gotten hurt. He needs help and knows it. I do not think that you have to put up even with a little pot. you stand your ground b/c this is your life@@@@ Honey, he isn't the only man in this world that can make you happy or you can be truly happy with...believe me!

 
Old 08-11-2004, 10:58 PM   #8
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I grew up with parent who smoked pot regularly.. I remember having a converstion with my brother who was 5 at the time nd I was 8 about the "funny" stuff they smoked in the garage. Kids aren't stupid. I am in college right now and dotn smoke pot while the semester is goign on, but during breaks i do smoke pot. My father smoke pot to alleviate the pain of bipolar disorder. It works for him, but I also have bipolar and have to take medication, my dad has recently (two weeks ago) finally understood that pot wont help my bipolar and I need actually meds. My father is a recovering alcoholic and addict. He quit everything but pot. I personally dont belive pot is a big delima (sp) especially if he's only smoking a few times a month... that is nothing. If you love him you will accept his faults ... your story reminds me of my best friend and her husband (they have two small girls together). Her rule is that he can smoke as long as he doens't do it at the house near the kids and doesn't carry it in his car while the kids are in the car. So far their arrangment has worked very well. I was ant anti pot smoker for long time but now smoke only with my boyfriend because otherwise I get paranoid. I dont think you have too much to worry about... just set some boundaries... if you dont want him smoking in the house then let him know. I am sure you guys can work this out. As ong as he's just smoking pot a few times a month you may have nothing to worry about. I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out for you and your lover. Just be thankful he's not doing heroin!

 
Old 08-12-2004, 06:35 PM   #9
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

If pot is nothing then why do people smoke it. They smoke it to relax, and 20 percent end up having big problems with it. Its not a harmless drug as so many druggies and addicts think. It is a motivation destroyer.

 
Old 08-12-2004, 09:48 PM   #10
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I can tell you with all honesty that the statistics he rattled off are correct. Physically, weed is safer than alcohol in every respect. You can find this out yourself by reading the information that the government puts out on drugs. They never come out and make the comparison, but if you look at the N.I.H. or N.I.D.A. sites and compare the effects of alcohol and pot...it's astoudingly clear which substance is more destructive. (A warning however, be weary of misleading statistics such as "X number of violent criminals tested positive for marijuana". Marijuana in no way encourages violence...it actually encourages laziness...there is no causal relationship in this statistic. When assessing the damages that marijuana inflicts...take *some* of the government's claims with a grain of salt...they obviously tend to take a very anti-illegal drug stance.)

You say that it's causing problems, but only listed him forgetting to pick you up as a grievance. If the bulk of the problem is you not being able to deal with his use, then it seems that you're the problem. However, you do have a justifiable case in the sense that it is an illegal substance, and if you simply can't stop obsessing over that fact, then maybe you need to find a straight-edge guy.

It is true that pot can have negative effects on some people's mental state...possibly this is where the problem lies. It can exagerate already existing mental conditions and create apathy...but this is not true for everybody. If you truly think that the weed is distancing him from you in any sense other than your disapproval, then maybe you should tell him to change his behavior. Marijuana isn't a powerful drug, people can control their behavior while high and he simply may not realize that he hasn't been as close to you as he used to be. Tell him to work on your relationship without making him stop his weed use (as this could cause understandable resentment)...he should be able to do it. If he still doesn't seem right, then maybe he does need to quit using marijuana...I quit because of the energy-decreasing effects it had on me.

Just be careful about blaming the problems on weed...millions of people have lived productive, normal, and even extraordinary lives while consistently using marijuana.

A side note: If you find that he can behave in a loving manner while continuing his use of marijuana, you may want to tell him to look into vaporizers. It's a healthy alternative to smoking marijuana and it doesn't stink up the house. This way, he could do it more discretely so it may not bother you as much.

Last edited by NSC 144/1; 08-12-2004 at 10:33 PM.

 
Old 08-12-2004, 10:26 PM   #11
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

Yeah, laziness and apathy. It's safer than booze but I don't wanna smoke it. I smoked bushels of that crap in my lifetime. The problem in the States is that it is illegal....decriminalized in many states but in others it means jail time(some states for possession only). I just like having a clear head. A weed buzz makes me paranoid....and, um, well, stupid. I don't enjoy looking or feeling like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

 
Old 08-13-2004, 01:48 AM   #12
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I think the issue isn't even the pot. It's about an issue that is very important to you that has not been resolved. Do not get married under those conditions.

There are two choices. You accept his behavior. You say you've done this but really you haven't. The resentment is still there.

He gives it up. He doesn't want you controlling him. This is a guy thing. Sorry, I know not PC but true. Guys hate that.

This is MAJOR to you. It has not been resolved in any satisfactory manner. It is not going to be until one of you truly gives in with no residual resentment over having done so. I don't hear that at all on either side.

Bad way to start out a marriage. Love does not conquer all.

JMHO.

Brenda

 
Old 08-13-2004, 05:35 AM   #13
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

I think you need to make up your mind here. One minute you are telling him it's ok to smoke once or twice a month, next you say you can smoke without me knowing, and then you say you can't smoke at all, and then you say ok, but don't buy it...Instead of going back and forth, make one solid decision. If you met him and he was smoking pot, then what makes you think you can change him? I know a few people who smoke pot and its pot only, and have been that way for years. Yes, I know, it is still a drug, but like in the other post, it is semi-legal in Canada! Think about Amsterdam! If that is all he is doing, and he's not beating you up while being on it, or going out getting in trouble, then, really, what is the big deal? Just because you do not like it, doesn't mean he will quit all of a sudden. He was like that when you found him. Try looking at this from his side...putting yourself in his shoes. Just think about it for a moment, and imagine how confused HE is about the way YOU are acting about this situation. Imagine something that you like, that he doesn't like...something that you always did, watched, listened to, ate, drank...whatever...since you first started dating, and then one day he just says "I don't like this, you can't do this anymore, it's me or _______". How would you feel? Pretty crappy, right? Ultimatums are never a good thing in a relationship. You keep saying how "it's me or the pot" to him...when actually, you are the one offering up the choice there...it's actually him or the pot...don't look at this situation so selfishly. I think it is fantastic that he was able to even cut down to once or twice every two to three months...that is NOTHING, trust me. I know people who smoke everyday, at least three times a day...if not more. Those people would never ever ever cut down to what your boyfriend did for you. If he likes it, he is going to do it. If it isn't causing serious problems, such as abuse, or with the law, and he still treats you like you deserve, then where is the issue here? There are some people that look at weed in the darkest of lights...and some the brightest. For some people, weed is almost like therapy...perhaps your fiancé is this way? Just be thankful he isn't getting violent, and then beating you to a pulp... Your situation just doesn't sound very threatening...the only thing that does sound that way, is your sudden urge to change the way he was when you met him. Try to think back, why didn't this bother you before, why does it bother you now? Maybe some things to think about...

-Since you do not smoke, do you feel you are losing his attention when he does? (this sounds like it could be re: the time he forgot when he picked you up)
-Why did you not care about it before, and care now?
-Look at it from his shoes, see yourself from his eyes.
-You are giving him the ultimatum "me or pot" ... when in fact, he doesn't want to lose you, he doesn't want to lose pot...the situation turns on you, and YOU are actually making the decision.
-He feels you are trying to control him...you don't like something so he can't have it. (if he hadn't smoke pot from the beginning, I don't think this would be an issue)

Well, I can go on and on here. I hope I said something in this post that might give you some insight to your situation. One more thing, before you get angry, and start yelling. Just sit back, maybe go in a room by yourself, and think if this is really worth an argument. Take a couple deep breathes, count to ten if needed...think before you act. If you still feel you need to say something, at least you will be calm about it.

 
Old 08-13-2004, 05:51 AM   #14
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

hi you no what your story sounds alot like mine well acually every thing you said is happening to me as well he somkes pot and i dont as well and well i really dont want to have my children around that either but i cant imagin life with out him. so you just have to talk to him and ask him to cut down. i no when i talked to my bf hes cut down, he still does it at work cuz they all do it there but i really cant say anythng to him bout that cuz when he coms home he is sober and thats all i ask of him. so maybe you can ask to me sober when you are with him. i am with my bf all day but when he goes to work. i no how it feels and i understand what you are going through.
hope i helped
ms

 
Old 08-13-2004, 05:29 PM   #15
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Re: Weed is ruining my relationship

If you're worried about it being used around your children...I would seriously recommend buying a vaporizer...it's very stealth, and it's also healthy.
Pot is a euphoric...depriving somebody of euphoria when the pot isn't really causing any problems will invariably cause resentment. I would only discourage him from using if you're positive that it's making him apathetic towards your relationship. And even if the pot is creating this problem, it's better to discuss with him how you've seen it affect his behavior, rather than telling him to quit. If you're right, and he's smart, he'll quit. It's ironic that this is posted on the 'Addiction' board when the addiction that pot causes is extremely weak. Marijuana withdrawal is mostly a desire to get high...and this will quickly fade. The worst symptoms is causes are temporary insomnia, restlessness, and a decreased appetite. It's not a hard drug to stop using...unlike alcohol where withdrawal symptoms can be life threatening.

 
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