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Old 09-13-2004, 12:21 PM   #76
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Hi Sara,

I won't trivialize everything you are feeling by saying something like "you've just got the jitters," or "don't worry, things will get better." I wish I had something more tangible than a cliche' to offer you, as I really do feel your fear and anger. I understand that feeling of wanting to go back and undo all the steps you've done so far to get to this spot...I felt exactly that way when I decided which pathway to take to get myself off the vicodin and the "hamster in a wheel...and in a cage" lifestyle and mindset I had created in my crazy, mixed up world of addiction. I wrote a post that says pretty much what you're saying, I told the board that I wanted to take my call to the methadone/Suboxone clinic back, my post to Philster asking for a tapering schedule back, my disclosure of my addiction back and just go back to my "regular" life...everything became too overwhelming and it was all too difficult, I couldn't even decide what to wear some days, much less make a decision that would be so life altering. I knew life as an addict, and I was so afraid of life without pills. I think you are feeling some of that, some fear of giving up the familiar things and venturing into a world of unknowns. If I'm wrong, please tell me, I do want to understand this!

Sometimes I think that is why I chose methadone...it's a drug with pain-killing abilities, and believe me...when I first started it, man those first few days I was very high! Especially when I took a few pills in the beginning days when my dose was in the 30 - 50 mgs/day range. I was playing with my health, but I still didn't care, and that told me I wasn't ready to quit. I told the clinic dr. the truth, that after a week, I was still taking pills, and he just simply looked at me and said, "Dallas, you've been taking pills for 20 some years, and now you want to beat yourself up because you've taken 12 or so Vicodin in the last 4 days. Don't you see that what you are doing now is better than the 60 pills you would have taken in those same 4 days if you hadn't come to this clinic? You have to look at it like that so one--you don't leave a program that can work for you, and two, you need to learn how not to see yourself as someone who can't be helped just because you broke down and took a few pills at the beginning. You've entered a brand new program that can give you a brand new life, and you can succeed, but first you have to see yourself as someone who, because of the changes YOU made, just went 4 days without taking 52 or more pills than you would have, and that means you are doing really well!"

So Sara, although our uncertainties about our recovery plans and the feelings that surround them are very similar, I do feel our addiction issues are not quite the same. You have chronic pain to deal with...heck, Sara, when I would get a headache, I'd go to the ER for a demerol & phenargen cocktail! I mean it, I took Advil when I felt GOOD! No way could I handle your physical pain without some kind of (most likely narcotic, opiate-based) pain control. I guess at the point where you and I met, I had missed your story and how you went from treating your pain to wanting off your pain meds. Is that what happened to you? Or did you just not like being dependent on pills in order to live an adequately pain-free life? I know you had issues with the ambien, and you didn't take them as prescribed, but I never really knew where you were at with your pain meds? In my mind, a person who deals with chronic daily pain like you are forced to, then taking pain meds per your doctor's orders for an extended period of time...maybe even for life, does not make you a drug addict; however, if you were doing the things that I did in order to get more pills than what you were prescribed (like all the lieing and stealing, the doctor-shopping and double-dipping with pharmacies and dr's, spending money I didn't have and am surely feeling the repercussions from now...all to just get the buzz and euphoria that comes along with opiates and cover up the pain that has followed me from childhood into adulthood) then you have a drug problem alright, and a very real one that needs to be addressed.

So then it comes to two things really, that I can see for you...I know you've asked yourself if you think you can have a quality of life without pain meds or by switching pain meds? By making plans to go to rehab, you must want off the pills because you just don't want to be on them either because of the way they do or don't make you feel--like if it changes your personality and you don't like the side effects of opiates--or if you are abusing them and feel you just can't be around them, then you have to find a way to get off them. Even short- to moderate-length pain patients who take them as directed still have trouble getting off them. So please, please try to stop beating up on yourself so badly and don't be so hard on yourself right now...you have a horrific medical history, and you have endured more in your lifetime than most people could handle beyond a week or two without needing something more & something stronger. You've already shown yourself and everyone else, including your kids, that mind over matter and the mind/body connection are truly strong characteristics to develop and maintain.

I remember reading your posts about how hard it was to sleep at night because of the pain in your back. You felt like Frida in your level of pain that you have, Sara, and look at the lengths she went to in order to find relief, and I've always thought she never did find it until she died, you know? But I know how much you love life, your kids, yourself and God, so I know that your reasons for going to rehab are well-thought out and well-prepared for, and I think you do need to go...even if you find out in the end you need to learn skills and develop ways and changes to your old thought patterns that you will learn in rehab, and will now have with you to use if you find yourself beyond the point of no return with your chronic-pain issues. Your pain issues are real, Sara, and I hope you feel nothing bad about yourself for being one of those people in this world that those medications were developed for. For some, no amount of pain management can control their pain, so I am glad that you are addressing these things now while you are not in that kind of a state, and hopefully never will be.

As far as the term "backing out," I prefer "changing your mind," or "putting it on hold," because backing out seems to have a connotation of fear with it. Of course you might be feeling afraid and fearful of what this time away will bring...the money, your kids, HR at work, and of course, being without pain meds. I don't know if in your state of pain, that I could do what you're thinking of doing, but everyone is different as is their pain tolerance. You will learn so much though, Sara, that can help you deal with chronic pain as a "whole," not just the pain itself, but all that comes with it...and in many cases, it's ultimately addiction.

You have to do what is right for you...Sara, you only have yourself and God to answer to (didn't Cher say that? ), not us or your b/f or your family or even your kids. You are the one willing to go through it, and I would be scared, too.

The fear of the unknown is a very strong thing, and I think what you might be feeling right now is that instinctual "fight or flight" reaction to being confronted with a scarey situation. At first (and still), you were in "fight" mode, and now you're feeling a lot of the "flight" part of all this strange and new world you might enter very soon...there's nothing to be ashamed of in that, hun.

Try to relax and let the answers come to you, and please know I'm on your side no matter what you do, okay?!

Love,
Dallas

 
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Old 09-13-2004, 12:40 PM   #77
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RubySlippers HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Sara,

Of course you're MAD!!! Your about to lose your "best friend" - the pills. You are going thru the stages of grief over a loss and anger is one of them. (At least this is what I think).

You are mad and everything. You are mad that you are not going to have the artificial "high" anymore, that your whole way of life will be changing, and that you will not have the pills to "rely" on anymore. This is the devil making his way into your thoughts. He wants so much for you to NOT go to rehab! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!!

Here is one of my favorite Psalms:
Book 1, Psalm 40 verses 1-3, 11-13 and 17

Praise and Prayer for Help

1 I waited patiently for the Lord.
He turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of destruction,
out of the sticky mud.
He stood me on a rock
and made my feet steady.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
________________________________________ ____
11 Lord, do not hold back your mercy from me;
let your love and truth always protect me.
12 Troubles have surrounded me;
there are too many to count.
My sins have caught me
so that I cannot see a way of escape.
I have more sins than hairs on my head,
and I have lost my courage.
13 Please, Lord, save me.
Hurry, Lord, to help me.
________________________________________ ____
17 Lord, because I am poor and helpless,
please remember me.
You are my helper and savior.
My God, do not wait.

I hope this helps. And remember...what you are feeling is perfectly understandable. You are embarking on a whole new life. A BETTER life than before and that's SCARY!!! And you are going to face many emotions before this is over. I have a saying that I really like: Feel the fear and do it anyway! (In fact I think it's the title of a book).

Good luck...I'll be praying for you! And you DO DESERVE the cross. Wear it as a symbol of our Lord and let it protect your and help guide you through this process.

Angela

Last edited by RubySlippers; 09-13-2004 at 01:38 PM.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 01:31 PM   #78
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octomon HB User
Arrow Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Sara,
Wow I've been reading a few of these posts - there is so much love and support for you here. That's really cool, and I'm sure you feel blessed to have so much genuine and caring thoughts and advice.

I'm about to enter a serious 'at-home' taper myself, and I agree with much of the sentiment for you in this trying time. Let yourself be angry or sad or whatever you need to feel. This is your time to be totally selfish and take care of YOU. You will have so much MORE of yourself to give as you emerge from rehab and continue on your recovery. We really need to be our own best friends sometimes.

I also agree you should try to get out of your head, simplify your thoughts for now and focus on the big picture - Pills = BAD, Patience = GOOD! That's a bit simplistic I know, but for me, the only way to succeed initially is to turn off all the smaller questions/concerns/worries and become absorbed in recovery. When you have been clean for a while, your health, self-esteem, and general life-attitude should be much much better, and then you will be much more well equipped to tackle your other issues.

This is your big moment to get clean and get the tools you will need to live drug-free, and a few weeks in rehab is but a blink in the bigger picture of your life, so you may as well go for it.

That's all I wanted to say. Hope I don't sound preachy as I don't mean to. Like many who post here, I'm saying these things also because I need to hear them myself, to believe them myself. You are doing the rest of us a great service by allowing us into your life and welcoming our thoughts, and I thank you for this.

All the best to you!

 
Old 09-13-2004, 06:24 PM   #79
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Sarandipity HB User
Red face Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Very nice! Ive got to open an new thread about this one. You will be shoked
Look for the new tread!
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 09-13-2004, 08:48 PM   #80
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Angela- your post made perfect sense. I got a lot out of the fact that you just cared enough to send it to me. You are one of God's angels I know it.

Sorry I did not write sooner- I went to the "Wake" tonight of my boyfriend's Grandmother. They call her MOMMER. Shes the coooooollllest. I did not view her body as it means so much to remember someone the way they were alive.

Two things happened tonight that took some worry out of the whole mix::::

The funds came from the British Isles. 3 grand to pay most of my bills a month ahead of time. AND ... are you ready for this one?????

I told my evil ex husband Im going! Yep. He was not shocked. And immediatly started making excuses on why he could not keep them all the time. I can't believe I was worried about that. I mean, hes got golf, he has a date Saturday night and has to get a babysitter, ya know, not enough time.

Anyway the one positive thing he did say is that he was proud of me for making the decision and it would change my life. He said we as people keep making the same mistakes over and over again until we learn. (I was like huh,,,, is this my evil ex Im talking to?)

It went okay. He told me not to worry about our girls! He said just concentrate on yourself. (My mouth dropped.)

Pray for tomorrow- thats the big day- talking to HR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Human Resources- please be human to me and I will work so hard when I return, I will be a better person.

I lovvvveeeeee yoooouuuuuu evvvvveeerrryyyyyyyooooonnnneeeee!

I just hope you guys wont miss me so much you will appreciate me more when I get back. Im going to have a party when I get back. BYOB,, Bring your own Bible. HE HE ha ha lol lol

Goodnight yall,

Love,

Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 09-14-2004, 10:44 AM   #81
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Sarandipity HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

3 more days! Waiting to talk to HR now. PLEASE... Pray for me.. pray that I say the right things, and pray for there understanding, pray I work really hard, and pray I will still have a job.


Sincerely,
Sara (scared Sara) (Please God,,, be with me!)
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 09-14-2004, 11:09 AM   #82
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Dear Sara...just saw your last post regarding HR...Hey, because of my
position I have dealt with HR on many issues,including the one you are
currently in discussion with your HR....I have had many employees go
thru EAP ,HR.etc..for a lot of reasons including what you are dealing
with-all I can say is with ADA , HIPAA,etc...HR has to be very carefull
and accomadating when it comes to these issues...Sara I have been
praying and saying " special devotions to the appropriate saints "
specifically regarding your HR,position,etc...I got you covered in prayers
and devotions- as there are A LOT of saints when it comes to catholism..
Lovin ya gal and with ya all the way till the day you leave,while you are
there,and when ya return !....I am here for ya today/tonight and all thru
the week until ya leave..In addition, the one " inpatient treatment facility"
I am familiar with was very strict altho they did allow internet access to
"..approved sites by the attending doc,addictionalist, and counselors.."

Peace...Serenity..Love...Chris

 
Old 09-14-2004, 11:24 AM   #83
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Sara"my number one mom"

I have been following your thread since day 1. Everything points you to the rehab center and it appears to be God's plan for you. I know you are scared, angry and all the emotions are racing through your mind right now. Anger and fear can be a good thing and faces anyone who follows the road that you have taken. These emotions in the right direction can be a awesome motivtor for you as you take the journrey toward recovery.

I make it a point to pray for you daily and will be here for you all the way down this road. From your very first post, you have always keep the well being of your chidren as top priorty. You never fail to amaze me. This disease is usually so self centering and you always think of others first. You aked the question in one of your posts" who is Sara?".
I can tell you who Sara is.............................She is a wonderful mother, a good and caring friend and has a heart as big as Texas.

With a considerable amount of HR experience, I can tell you that you should be ok at work. It does matter about the size of your company as to which laws will affect you. I know that I would rather have a employee come to me wanting to fix a problem and have the desire to be a better employee than one who sticks their head in the sand. It takes a lot of guts to admit to the problem and they should work hard to help you.

you are in my thoughts and prayers,
fisherman

 
Old 09-14-2004, 11:35 AM   #84
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DallasAlice HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

So far so good, Sara ,

Given the way you have been gently guided so far as you prepare for rehab, I have a feeling that HR's reaction will fall in line much the same way the other things related to this have; however, knowing you, I understand that you will only be able to "exhale" when you know for sure . I'm so happy for you about the funds, the reaction of the ex, and your being able to rest assured that your kids will be fine and safe through this.

It's nice to see you aren't so angry anymore, yet I'm glad for you that you feel those things and allow yourself TO feel now. Thanks for sharing all the different sides of you so I can know you better! I think it's important that you just give yourself permission to feel and react to what you feel in whatever way that it comes out, you know? As addicts we spend so much time either refusing to feel certain things or pushing or covering up our feelings with our drugs, and then we become someone other than who we really are. It's like you said when you wrote that you want to meet the old Sara again and find out who she was and who she is going to be.

It's got to be scarey to all of a sudden have this built up well of emotions come spilling over and out of you recently...that's how life is for me now, Sara, a lot of different feelings every day and the new and freeing reactions that come with saying it's okay to feel this way...it's normal to feel this way. It's all good in the end, though. I'm evem happy to be able to feel anger and sadness because if I didn't, like I said in once before, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. To experience joy we have to experience the darker emotions so we remain human and not become robot-like, unfeeling and uncaring.

Wow, that was pretty awesome that you got to see a more humane (or should it be human? LOL!) side of your ex! I guess it's always surprising to see how others react to our addictions and then how different--good and bad--people can be when it comes to when we decide it's time to heal ourselves of our addiction. While I was heavily addicted, I had boyfriends whom I truly believe, now that I think back on it all, wanted me to stay an addict. This enabled them to be a "Knight in Shining Armor" who could take care of me if sick, or better yet...come to my aid with pills! Then when I was feeling better, well...let's just say they felt better, too. So they weren't helping me, they were only looking out for themselves really because a happy female addict is a more "intimate" addict, you know what I mean?

Well, I know that this thread has gotten very long and it's probably hard for even you...the leading lady , to catch all the posts that have been written here, but I'm wondering if you saw my last looooooooong one to you? It's at the very top of page 16. I asked you some (okay, a lot of!) questions and told you how much I will miss you, but I'm saving the teary goodbye till Thursday night...gee, I just realized the day you are beginning your journey (Sept. 17th) is my son's birthday (he'll be 16 !) and also the day he began his journey through this thing we call "Life." He has navigated well on his trip so far, and I only hope his life continues to be full of amazing things.

So just like I wish for you--I hope your upcoming journey amazes you and knocks your socks off, kiddo!

Much love,
Dallas Alice

p.s. May the HR "powers that be" be good to you today!

Last edited by DallasAlice; 09-14-2004 at 11:54 AM.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 01:43 PM   #85
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Sarandipity HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Dallas Alice- I LOVE YOU. You really had an effect on me when you said "you allowed us to see all sides of Sara" It amazes me how thoughtful you can be and how you never miss ANYTHING in your posts.
I am hitting the brick wall and your right- can't exhale til I speak w/ HR.
Still holding my breath. Boy I could really use some "Dallas time" while Im in treatment. I know I cannot access the internet, although they let you recieve mail b/c it's like a form of recovery.

Chris, Your prayers and hope and healing as well as protection is greatly apreciated. You are and always will be my close friend. You are so loved!

Fisherpard- It gave me "chills" when you said you read my post which said I don't know who Sara is anymore, and your reply was you know- a caring and considerate Mom who always puts her Children first. WOW!
That made me feel good for someone else to notice.

Still havent talked to HR.

They have been busy all day!

Love, (my eyes are filled w/tears of joy)

Sara
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-Sara

 
Old 09-15-2004, 08:24 AM   #86
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

T w o M o r e D a y s ! ! !
I had my way with Walmart last night. I went shopping and acted like I was going away for a long time! I bought Tide, 4 bottles of Downey, Lysol, antibac wipes for hands, lysol wipes, 5 boxes of Thermo care heated back stickers, girlie products for that "special time", a 500 minute phone card, batteries for my walkman, and lotion. Today I pick up new contacts and get my glasses fixed, pick up my dry cleaning, pick up hair color from the salon (they are sweet enough to give me hair color "to go"), pay my cell phone bill, pay my cable an internet bill, pay my electric bill, and my daughter's day care for the next month.

I just wanted to say hi to everyone today. And she what everyone is up to. I just want to know all is well.

My girls are doing okay- they know Im leaving to "get my back fixed"

Mommy is scared and trying to get every kiss I can get and give to my lil' girls. Im missing them already. Im going to make it!

A big hello from TEXAS!

Love, Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 09-15-2004, 09:30 AM   #87
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CromeYellow HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Good luck in rehab. You might want to go to a 12 step or Smart Recovery meeting before you go in. Do you have a sponsor?

 
Old 09-15-2004, 11:56 AM   #88
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windysan HB User
Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

We're about to have a hurricane soon and I wanted to wish you good luck at Laha. Post us when you get back. Serenity is right around the corner for you. You are a very smart lady.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 11:59 AM   #89
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Re: Need Advice ASAP- The rehab wants me there NOW, I want to go on the 17th

Thank you, and God bless. I wish you and your family good health and safety during the Hurricane.

Love,

Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
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