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Old 09-11-2004, 07:49 PM   #1
box of rain
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3
box of rain HB User
Is it starting all over again?

Hi, wanted to say that i am new here. heres my story.
yrs ago i was addicted to valium, smoked coke, dabbed in herion, and many other things to mention. went through detox and rehab for about 5 yrs. that was 20 yrs ago....but i will say over the last 4 yrs i would take a pill every now and again just to feel that high. had about 200 vicodin, but used them in a long period of time i needed felt like i needed them, like now, but over the last almost 2 yrs since the dr put me on xanax things have seemed to gotten worse, i will admit that i only take .5 about 4 times a day,and i do wake up in the mornings and take something either 3 firocet, or a zanax. but as of the last few months i want to get high, i have been getting my friends pain killers, thinking of ways to go to the dr to get some, and unfortunately i have a dr that likes to write scripts. I know that i should not be doing this, but i cannot stop thinking about it..somebody bring me back to reality please......or have i gone to far?

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Old 09-12-2004, 05:49 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 1,532
lisaaahubb HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

hey seem to be aware that there is a problem brewing. You gotta get off of those dam things. They will turn you into an animal in the long run. With the blink of an eye you will be 100% dependent on them and then the hell will begin. Xanax is nothing to mess with either. Detox from benzos is a living hell!!!! Please be careful and try to be more aware what you are taking and when. If you are taking them for a "high" will end up paying for every little high you have had. I do take xanax myself, but only at night. Even if i have an extremely stressful day, i never reach for that bottle. Benzos scare the crap outta me, i have enough on my plate being addicted to pain killers. Please be careful, you are flirting with disaster and i think you know this because you say you have been to detox before. Please keep posting here, you will find tons of caring people and lots of info to help you.

Old 09-12-2004, 12:11 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,193
Banker HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

To answer your question, yes it is starting all over again. The question is, where do you think you are in this? Do you think you can put down everything BUT the xanax like immediately? Can you just stop right now? Would you have withdrawals?

The question is, if you can stop the pain pills right now.... then you haven't gone too far and you can catch it in time.... If you can't stop them, then you need to get help and the quicker you get it, the better off you will be.

Now, as far as xanax go, you can't just stop taking them or you will have a seizure, as I'm sure you know.... but if you do not need them or if you feel you cannot control them or are not in control now, then you need to start a taper and/or go into detox.

So, I think you know the answer to your own question by coming here. Take action today because the longer you wait... the worse it will be. And... you may wait too long and end up dead!

I know you want to live so you know what you have to do.

Old 09-12-2004, 06:32 PM   #4
box of rain
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3
box of rain HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

First i wanted to say thank you for the 2 replys i got, but now i know i might get blasted for this and i really do not mean to offend anyone, but with 2 replies and 90 views that does not seem supportive at all...and like i said i am sorry if i have offended. now to naswer a few questions, can i put down everything BUT the xanax, i am not to sure, what i really want is to go out and getreally messed up, but i do now that it would not be a goog idea, can i stop myself from it i am not sure. and yes i do know about the xanax that i cannot stop them abruptly, i was weaned from them the last time in the hospital. i do no that my life is so stressed and not that , thats any excuse but i am crazed, i have 5 kids and i think i have been thrown over the edge.i just feel like i am slipping backwards. about a yr ago i did try to go talk to my old drug counseler, and unfortunatly he had a mini stroke, and no longer works there, and i just loved him he would come over when i would swallow to many pills, and help me. oh how i wish i could talk to him more.

Old 09-12-2004, 07:05 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3
shellybeau HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

Hi Box of Rain. I know how you feel, I have been there myself. I wish I had some words of advise, but all I can say is my prayers and thoughts are with you. I fight my addiction every day of my life, and I still can't get a handle on it. It sounds like you did so great for so long. You KNOW you can do it. Don't give your life and your self respect over to a bottle of pills.

As for myself: After being clean for 3+ years, I discovered someone had left a bottle of 90 Xanax in a shopping cart at the grocery store. I walked around that store for so long - wanting to have the strength to bring them back to the pharmacy. Unfortunately, I did end up taking one, then two, then . . . you know the story. That led quickly to abusing pain medication again. It's amazing how easily one can end up in the same rotten place once you pick up the pills again. In my experience, I cannot take one type of drugs, i.e. Xanax, without having the cravings for other drugs. Your first step is coming clean on these boards. If you have anyone else (besides your old counselor) you can turn to, now is the time to do it.
God Bless.

Old 09-12-2004, 07:31 PM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 155
christianmom HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

Hi Box of Rain,

First of all, don't worry too much about not receiving many replies at this point. The weekends tend to be a little slow. That said, I don't post much here because I'm a lot like you...I feel like I'm just "invisible" sometimes, like I haven't posted enough, or haven't told my entire story, so I get paranoid and wonder why no one wants to really get to know me (and I know that is the 'insecure person that I am' talking). I do know from experience that being on any type of benzo seems to bring me down to where I crave feeling energy, or that "high" feeling. That might be why you are craving the pain pills, etc. I'm not much for advice these days, as I'm not quite where I want to be in my recovery yet. All I can tell you is that I used to be in such denial...thinking that once I got through the withdrawals of the pain pills, etc..I would never crave them again. Boy, was I ever wrong. I've had intense cravings lately, and it's caused a tremendous amount of depression within me. All I can say is, it's obvious since you posted here in the first place that you KNOW in your heart that you are headed down a self-destructive path. Do whatever you have to do to get help, and stop in now. I know, I sounds so easy, but in's not. You've done it before though, so I have all the faith in the world that you can do it again. Please keep coming back here...the people here really are wonderful, and they really do care. I just have realized that you have to become an active poster/supporter to feel as if you really "belong". I'm not quite there yet, only because I'm one that can't seem "let it all out". I sat here last night bawling my head off...I wanted SO bad to spill my guts to everyone...but something is still holding me back. It will come in I continue to visit here daily and read. That helps so much right now. Anyway, just know that everyone here DOES care, and we are all willing to help in whatever way we can...just keep posting. By the way, I have 5 kids as well...I told you we seem to have lots in common! I'll be looking forward to more posts from you. In the meantime, take care of yourself...I'm praying for you.

Old 09-12-2004, 07:38 PM   #7
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 78
carly500 HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

Hi Box of Rain I am addicted to adderall and ritalin so I don't think I can be much help to you but I can give you support. I was precribed zannax years ago so I know how hard it is to get off of. I never took over the prescribed amount but get this the doctor had me on 6mgs a day. She had a co worker of mine on 8mgs. They didn't know that much about benzos back then. This was at a clinic that was state runned. Anyway here in NY the law changed that for schedule two drugs a copy of the prescription had to be sent to albany and the DEA would over see them. When this happened my doctor flew the coop left the state. My point is that the next doctor I had there got me off by tapering me by droping 1half a mg each month. It took a long time.Do the math. I can't say how bad this affected me because I had severe depression before this so I was miserable anyway. The second doctor never treated me properly for the depression becaused he was only concerned with getting me off the zannax.Do think you suffer from deppression? Depression can cause you to self medicate. Also zanax can cause depression.If I were you I would find a doctor you could trust and be compleatly honest with them. Also to taper you should be taken off zanax and put on a longer acting benzo like valium. One other thing the board is very slow on weekends so try to not feel so bad by the lack of respones. The views are probaly lurkers. I shoud know, I used to be one lol. Anytime you need to talk just give a yell and I will answer. Carly

Last edited by carly500; 09-12-2004 at 07:39 PM.

Old 09-13-2004, 05:13 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,193
Banker HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

Good morning, Box of Rain! I was just checking in on you... And yes, I do understand exactly where you are. We've all been there and I have to stress that you are taking action by coming here... This is your first step. I, however, had no idea how xanax triggers other abuse. I also take it for anxiety and have found my tolerance increasing but I try to take action immeidately and bring it back down... It's a tough drug and there are a lot of people on here that have extremely strong opinions as to why nobody should ever take it, period!!

But from what I'm hearing, the pain meds are the immediate danger... Am I right or do you abuse xanax too? I know it's best to come off of both, if you can. I'm not saying to do this because I think there are many other options for you such as counseling, AA/NA, etc. (by the way, I work full time, VP at a bank, single and take care of three kids also so I can relate too). Anyway, late last year, I found myself in a situation where I could not live with the pills and I could not live without them... so I knew I was going to die... I went to an addictionologist in search of methadone (I had heard this doc prescribed them monthly) but he wouldn't give it to me... he gave me something called Suboxone. It's Bupenorphine basically. I've been on it for about 8 months and it works. However, I'm not facing wanting to come off of it now because it caused me to gain about 25 - 30 lbs. But... it does work and I have only had one craving...

I have to add that I watched my mother my entire life abuse prescription pills and she finally ended up overdosing, accidentally and dying when I was in my early twenties... about 10 years ago... she was 52. It was hell, but I knew it was going to happen. You don't want your children to grow up w/an addicted mother. It's pure hell and I don't think I will ever get rid of the horrible, demons that are in my head from watching her get messed up so many times. So how ironic that i would go and do the same thing???

Just take care of yourself... together, you, me, the entire board, your family, can figure out a plan to get you sober. I know you want the will to quit... You have to keep praying that you will get it. Sometimes, you just have to quit for the simple reality that you are killing yourself, not because you are 'ready to give up the high' because sometimes I don't think any of us are 'ready'... we just know that we have to do it.

Again, it's hard for me to tell YOU what you need to do when I'm not completely opiate free either. However, Sub has taught me how to live my life without searching for a high and not in the habit of constantly finding pills... Just know that nobody will judge you and that you have support here. Just keep posting and filling us in on what you are feeling, or just anything you want to type.

Take care today... K?

Old 09-13-2004, 07:02 PM   #9
box of rain
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3
box of rain HB User
Re: Is it starting all over again?

Let me say thank you, for replying, i am sure that it is my insercuritys, hmm did i spell that right? anyway. thanks. i needed that! i will be posting more, and if i can help nayone i will try, since i have been down that path before, and seem though to be headed back. hopefully not though....

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