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Old 09-14-2004, 12:56 PM   #1
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aquarius72 HB User
vicodin addiction, need help...

hi-i'm new here and i'd like to share my story and get some advice~warning, THIS IS LONG.

i'm a 32 year old stay at home mom to a 2 year old and a 9 month old. i've been addicted to hydrocodone for the past 2 years. it hasn't been an everyday thing, but it's been more on than off. when i do take it it's the 5/500's...i started out only taking a few a day, but the past year it's more like 2 or 3 at a time, probably totalling to 10-12 a day (i don't think i've ever taken more than that in a day). i've never taken any other drugs before and i'm an occasional drinker (like to have a glass of wine or 2 or 3 on weekends). i have never driven while taking vicodin, i only take it when at home. it gives me so much creative energy, i organize closets like there's no tomorrow, play hard with my kids, get so much done (it seems like), basically feel like super-mom. it also curbs my appetite. i've never taken it as an "escape" of any kind, i just know that when i don't take it, i crave the feeling of being on it so much. and the more i come off it, the worse the withdrawals are it seems (restless, stomach cramps, depressed, feel like i can't get anything accomplished, times ten).

before i go into my long story, i want to say that i want to quit more than anything. it controls my life. when i'm not on it i can't stop thinking about when and where i'm going to get more.

today was my 2nd attempt at calling the 800# for chemical dependency on the back of my insurance card. they gave me a list of psychiatrists who specialize in chemical dependency...i called. not one of them had friendly receptionists. a few of them are no longer accepting new patients, one no longer accepts insurance, and the other 2 i can't get into see until mid-november. i have read about being "medically detoxed" with suboxone (is that the spelling?)...i researched and found a doctor here in town who deals with addictions and uses that medicine in his treatment AND is covered by my insurance. i had an appt. this morning, got there (it was in not so great part of town), there were some shady looking characters hanging around there. come to find out, this guy is a family practitioner and for my insurance to cover it, i have to change my primary care doctor to him (which i've changed my PCP about 2,999,000 times but for some reason, i didn't feel comfortable at this place, it was a not so pretty office and they also had a big sign up front saying they now do laser hair removal and medically supervised weight loss. for me to see him, i'd have to pay out of pocket for today's visit OR wait and come back on thursday when all of his info would be submitted to my insurance, then they would cover it). so i just said i'd call back and make an appt for thursday. i just don't know if i should or not....

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! we are moving into a new house in 3 weeks, i have 2 kids, i don't have time for any kind of meetings right now, things are crazy busy here.

my husband and kids are the love of my life, and life is great, except this addiction that consumes me. it's a vicious cycle of obtaining a prescription or refill (by doctor hopping or exaggerating or making up pain), gobbling up 20 within a few days, vowing to never take it again, dealing with the heeby-jeeby withdrawals, taking 2 ambien every night just to get to sleep (when i'm off of the vicodin) then lasting about 2 or 3 weeks (i think i lasted a little over a month once), thinking i'm doing pretty darn good until one day it just hits me, the craving so intense where i'll do anything to get it...i can't think straight, i start having dreams of going to doctors getting it, i find myself looking at people with casts or leg/wrist braces at the grocery store/mall/wherever with ENVY...knowing they may have some vicodin on them. THAT IS CRAZY!!! i feel so out of control.

it all started with my 1st c-section back in april 2002...that same year i had a benign tumor removed from my lymph node, and a few other minor surgeries that i got the V. for. with my 1st pregnancy i didn't even take tylenol (during the pregnancy) or drink caffeine...with my 2nd pregnancy i had extreme migraines and was given vicodin for that. i had to have a cervical stitch put in and got vicodin for that. (my ob/gyn said it was safe to take while pregnant..i did take it but never more than prescribed). after my 2nd baby, i was given V. for a breast infection due to breastfeeding when she was about 1 month old....then i started experiencing lower back pain (which i do still get occasionally just due to picking up the kids and a million toys all day).

i've been caught by a few doctors who "caught on" to my addiction and found out how many pills i've been prescribed over the past few years. back in march i came to the realization that i could not stop this on my own, that's when i 1st called the the mental health 800# on the back of my insurance card and....NOONE COULD HELP ME and i was in the bottomless pit of withdrawals. i was putting all of my energy into trying to find help but to no avail. i ended up finding a wonderful nurse practitioner. i told her everything about my addiction. i told my husband...he even went in with me once to see her. she had me taper off of the vicodin...it would've worked great if i had one ounce of willpower. the 1st time i tried and relapsed, she found out (i think the pharmacy called her or something). i went back in and she agreed to let me taper a 2nd time. when i failed again, i felt like i couldn't face her again. after i spilled my guts to her...i failed her. she has since called me, just telling me to "come see her"...i've made up reasons why i can't see her (too busy, etc), and she just said, "you know you need help don't you? you need to find a therapist or treatment center". she gave me the names of a few therapists but none accepted insurance.

so as of right now, i've got 3 V's left (i got a 'script called in yesterday by my ob/gyn for cramps, but i just saw her for a check up last week and mentioned to her i was cramping a lot, that's the only reason she gave me 10). i don't know which option to go with. 1) go to the shady doctor that treats addictions with opiate blockers and or that suboxone stuff on thursday
2) try and make an appt with a regular THERAPIST who deals with chemical dependency, i was referred to one by my last primary care physician, who i really like (and they will accept insurance) 3) continue this vicious cycle until i can be medically detoxed from the psychiatrist i made an appt with on october 6th. ****i also called a treatment center called la hacienda (i heard about it on the dr. phil show once), they do have an outpatient therapy program that's based on the 12-step program but you have to go to meetings (with your spouse) 4-5 evenings a week. i cannot do that at this point in time. my husband is really busy at work right now, and dealing with trying to get our house finished by the end of the month...he also travels a lot. plus the place is all the way across town.

sorry for the novel ya'll but i just had to get all this out! hopefully someone can provide some insight, although it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat

 
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Old 09-14-2004, 01:07 PM   #2
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aquarius72 HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

one other thing...before i got my prescription for 10 pills last night, i hadn't had any pills for a little over 2 weeks (that's usually how long i last without).

**i just realized i first found this board back in april and posted once, i don't know why i stopped coming....maybe just didn't want to deal with it after failing at quitting so many times...i don't know....

 
Old 09-14-2004, 01:27 PM   #3
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jenny1973 HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

Wow..I think you have just written my story all over again. I don't really post much since I have been clean for 5 months now, but I can completely relate to you and feel compelled to write. My addiction started after a c-section with my last daughter. I too felt like super-mom and loved how I felt and what I was able to accomplish on these pills. Never did I have to worry about things not getting done. I am a stay at home mom with three kids. My youngest being 14 months now. During my pregnancy I was giver V too for bad headaches and back pain. I only took them when needed during my pregnancy, but once she came out I was out of control with my usage. I did everything I could to get a doctor to give me pills. I even had some cosmetic surgery done which I wanted done, but I tell you i was more excited about getting the drugs then the results. Then my husband had surgery and he hates those pills so yippee...more for me! I would lie to docs and tell them I was in a car accident or my back was in pain ect. It was never ending. Then I just stared buying over the internet once the docs wouldn't give me anymore. I finally had enough. I tried to taper..didn't work then I just tried cold turkey and that only lasted 2 days. Then I told my husband who was very supportive and I checked myself into detox. Best thing I could have done. I only stayed a week since it was hard to be gone for anymore time. My husband took some vacation. They medically detoxed me with medication and I was pretty comfortable. The best thing is that they offered a ton of education and I learned so much. I also was taught other ways to increase my energy and relax. They taught me meditation and tai chi plus I was in there pain management program since I do have some pain and had accupuncture and accupressure. I just learned a different way to live and be happy without the pills. It was still a rough road especially once I got home but I felt so motivated to stay clean. I can't tell you what path is best for you because everyones situations are different, but you do need help one way shape or form and its great that you are ready and willing to get that help. I wish I could offer you more, but I hope that you can at least know that there are so many people just like you. As far as meetings go you need to try to go at least a couple times a week. It will be really hard to get thru those first 30 days (at least) without them. I really wish the best for you!!
Jenny

 
Old 09-14-2004, 01:27 PM   #4
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andyarj HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

hi ,i just wanted to say you should be carful if you can stay away from pills for to weeks dont go straight to sub or methadone . you will be making a minor problem into a huge one.just some food for thought .andy

 
Old 09-14-2004, 09:30 PM   #5
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natthebug HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

aQUARIUS, I have almost the same problem with viccodin accept I take 1 every night so I can clean my house, because normally I am so tired I cant function. I finally got on antidepressants that helped me to have normal person energy and I have been trying to not let myself take that viccodin every night. I have only NOT taken it one night so far. I only take 1 so to me it wasn't a big deal. But I know most people would say it is an addiction. I have the precription for a foot problem and I told the dr I take 1 every night and she said big deal. Most people tell me that viccodin knocks them out. it doesnt me, at leats for a few hours. Anyways I totally know where you guys are coming from.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 09:38 PM   #6
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natthebug HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

Aquarius, can I ask is it the energy that makes it addictive? I know that i crave the way it makes me feel but it was mostly because i couldnt function normally without it. When I started the AD's it helps the cravings not be as strong. Just for fact purposes I have only taken 1 a day for over a year. Accept a few times I had a bad toothache or headache. or my feet hurt bad. Anyways I am just curious if maybe the AD's I am on would help you to not feel like you NEEDED it so much. I am sure the DR would prescribe that if you told them how your feel without it. ~Natalie

 
Old 09-15-2004, 07:56 AM   #7
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aquarius72 HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

hi natalie-

yes, i totally understand what you mean about taking one to clean the house....when i take mine i'm on a cleaning rampage for hours and it feels so good to get my house "under control". (since i feel so out of control). i do take it for the energy it gives me, it doesn't make me feel groggy at all either. that's great that you're only taking 1 a day....that is what i started out at a few years ago, and slowly it escalated to 3 at a time just to get "that feeling back". i always go back to taking after i've been off 2-3 weeks just because the craving gets too intense to handle.

so my husband called me from work yesterday and said he gets monthly emails from our insurance on prescriptions and doctors visits, and we spent close to $300 last month and he wants to know why. shoot!!!! i know he knows i'm back on it again and that i've been going to different doctors...things are just really crazy right now and he doesn't have time to discuss it i think. i have been on zoloft for 2 years now (for panic attacks)...so far it hasn't done anything for my vicodin cravings....

 
Old 09-15-2004, 09:45 PM   #8
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natthebug HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

why dont you ask your DR to put you on wellbutrin XL i think you can take it with zoloft.. and it helps me with my cravings for ciggarrettes pluys gives me normal functioning energy so i dont feel like I NEED viccodin to do anything normal..

 
Old 09-16-2004, 07:28 AM   #9
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windysan HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

Please do some research before you start taking all that brain dope(Zoloft, Wellbutrin...and other poisons). That stuff is really scary.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 09:56 AM   #10
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aquarius72 HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

i've been on zoloft for 2 years and it's been a lifesaver in helping with my panic attacks (which i've had since i was young). before being put on the zoloft, i would take a xanax just about every day before i even had to leave my house...not anymore. i don't have to take it at all anymore...

 
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Old 09-16-2004, 11:08 PM   #11
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natthebug HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

yea this wellbutrin has beena miracle for me. I truly believe if you have an chemical imbalance that effects your whole body there is no reason to not take something to try and fix it. I do not think I have ever felt better at leats within the last 7 years. So yes I do believe they are serious meds. But I do also believe that they can really help some people. The people who need it. They have surely worked for me. ~Natalie

 
Old 09-19-2004, 03:20 PM   #12
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aquarius72 HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

just checking in-doing well, feeling strong. haven't taken any v. since tuesday since my prescription ran out. don't even want to give the stuff anymore thought at the moment...takes too much energy. still taking the clonodine (haven't felt any withdrawals at all), and the ambien at night.

 
Old 09-19-2004, 04:12 PM   #13
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windysan HB User
Re: vicodin addiction, need help...

Good job. Now get cracking on that Ambien. The longer you take it....the harder it is to get off of too. There is no concrete research about "brain imbalances"....it is all speculation. The pharmacy corporations really like for you to think that something is wrong with your brain. I don't believe all that "serotonin imbalance" crap and I ain't taking their brain dope either. I don't want anything that is gonna change the molecular structure of my ******. No chemicals.....that is the way to go for me.

 
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