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Old 09-15-2004, 09:33 AM   #1
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Brenshay HB User
What have I done?

I am in such big trouble! I finally came to the realization this afternoon that I am truly addicted to Percocet (oxycodone). About a month or so ago, I had my wisdom teeth out and the doctor gave it to me for pain. I thought it would make me groggy and sleepy, but to my amazement I felt wonderful and like my depression had totally lifted. I had tons of energy and felt more happy and normal than I had in a long time.

I saw the same doctor a week later and was still having pain. I asked for more Percocet, and he gave me another prescription. That lasted about 1-2 weeks. Coincidentally, my husband had oral surgery around the same time, and he was given Percocet which he didn't use because it made him sick. I started taking his pills, and later I admitted to him that I had been "borrowing" them because I felt so much better. He also had noticed my mood as being a lot better and that I wasn't having depressive episodes anymore. He did and does have concerns, but he agreed to let me have the rest of his pills.

My husband's pills lasted a few weeks, and I started tapering down as I got to the end of them. I started searching the Internet for websites in Mexico or Canada that might sell Percocet, but I struck out there. Getting close to my last pill, I started to feel desperate and began trying to get appointments with pain clinics and faking jaw pain to get some more Percocet. None of them could see me right away. Fortunately (or so I thought at the time), my mother-in-law had some leftover Percocet from when she had her appendix out. I told her that I needed it for pain and she gave it to me without knowing my true use for it.

Now I have about 11 days worth and am already wondering what I will do when that runs out. I said I was going to taper them, but so far I have not. I can't. I feel like I would pay any amount of money or do anything to get some more. I think I have developed a serious problem. It was just so wonderful not to feel depression or anxiety anymore that I thought I'd found a miracle drug. Now I'm sitting here in tears because I have realized the truth. What am I going to do?

 
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Old 09-15-2004, 11:55 AM   #2
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windysan HB User
Re: What have I done?

You might want to check into rehab. You won't have access to the drugs there and they'll help you with the detox. They'll address the depression issues too. Tapering is almost impossible for most people.....it didn't work for you before.....it ain't gonna work again. Kicking it cold turkey at home is an option too. I say rehab is your best bet though.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 02:00 PM   #3
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Brenshay HB User
Re: What have I done?

Rehab is a scary thought for me because I would have to be away from my family, and I don't think I should leave my husband and relatives to pick up my slack while I was gone. I have two little kids that need taking care of. The option of cold turkey is also scary, but maybe that's the path I need to take or at least try for now. Thanks for your advice and support through this tough situation. I still can't believe this has happened.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 02:24 PM   #4
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windysan HB User
Re: What have I done?

If cold turkey doesn't work and you go out and score more pills....then it'll be time for rehab. When you cold turkey remember to try and get some Clonidine for the doc(blood pressure patch) cuz it'll help. Drink lots and lots of water, take ibuprofen for the soreness, drink Ensure shakes if you can't hold anything down. Make sure to ship the kids off for about 3 days so you can rest. Hot baths help. Good luck with it. Try to wean the daily dose down as "cold turkey day" approaches.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 05:49 PM   #5
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Wilkey HB User
Re: What have I done?

Brenshay,
I know you are scared right now, but I am so proud of you for realizing and admitting that you are in trouble one month into your addiction. I'm sure that deep inside I realized it pretty early on, but it took me two years to get to the point that you are today. I loved the euphoria that those pills gave me, but, as you are already finding out, you have to take more and more to achieve the feeling you crave, and it is such a downhill spiral. I am on Day 26 opiate free, and it has been such a struggle.
I hope you continue to post, the people on this board are wonderful and have helped me through so much, most without even knowing this.
If I can help you in anyway, please let me know. I'll keep an eye out for your posts.
Remember, get out now, it only gets worse.
Your friend,
Wilkey

 
Old 09-16-2004, 06:09 AM   #6
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Brenshay HB User
Re: What have I done?

Dear Wilkey,

Thank you for your caring post. It does truly help to feel like I have a friend to help me get through this difficult time. I have said things here that I can't even say to the people in my life: husband, family, friends. I don't think they would understand the same way.

You're right, I am scared. I hate myself for doing such an awful thing to my body and mind. But I'm still taking the pills. We're going to Disney World for the weekend and I don't want to spoil it for the kids by quitting cold turkey right before. Yes, I know it sounds crazy.

I see my GP next Friday and was planning to tell him about it, but I keep wavering between going and canceling or just going and asking for more pills. They are all I can think about right now. I want to take them more and more often, but I know I will run out so I try to hold off as long as possible. Yet I know the day will come very soon when I have to quit and go through the withdrawals and let go of this poison before it totally ruins my life.

I cry whenever I think about what I have done to myself, which is quite often these days. I also have depression and am afraid of spiraling off into a depressive episode once I let these pills go. I thought it was a miracle that I accidentally found this drug that lifted my depression and gave me so much energy, but now I wish I had never heard of it.

Again, thanks for all of your encouraging words. They really help more than you know. I especially appreciate it because I know you're going through a hard time right now and yet you took the time to offer your help to me. It makes me feel like I'm not so lost after all.

Take care.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 09:49 AM   #7
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bluejulie5 HB User
Re: What have I done?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brenshay
Dear Wilkey,

Thank you for your caring post. It does truly help to feel like I have a friend to help me get through this difficult time. I have said things here that I can't even say to the people in my life: husband, family, friends. I don't think they would understand the same way.

You're right, I am scared. I hate myself for doing such an awful thing to my body and mind. But I'm still taking the pills. We're going to Disney World for the weekend and I don't want to spoil it for the kids by quitting cold turkey right before. Yes, I know it sounds crazy.

I see my GP next Friday and was planning to tell him about it, but I keep wavering between going and canceling or just going and asking for more pills. They are all I can think about right now. I want to take them more and more often, but I know I will run out so I try to hold off as long as possible. Yet I know the day will come very soon when I have to quit and go through the withdrawals and let go of this poison before it totally ruins my life.

I cry whenever I think about what I have done to myself, which is quite often these days. I also have depression and am afraid of spiraling off into a depressive episode once I let these pills go. I thought it was a miracle that I accidentally found this drug that lifted my depression and gave me so much energy, but now I wish I had never heard of it.

Again, thanks for all of your encouraging words. They really help more than you know. I especially appreciate it because I know you're going through a hard time right now and yet you took the time to offer your help to me. It makes me feel like I'm not so lost after all.

Take care.
I dont know you, but my advice is, quit before you get too far into this.

I was addicted for about 2 years or so, I was up to 20+ pills a day, and
had several different sources I was getting them from, which I cannot
say because it is against the rules here.........I was in deep.

then I told my best friend that I was taking more pills than what she
thought, and bless her heart she immediately got help for me.
I mean, the next day I told her I had a drs appt. an hour away
and I got on methadone immediately.

I never thought it would happen to me; and I am telling you,
you sound so much like me I cannot believe it, so I am SURE
this could happen to you also.

Thank goodness I got out when I did; before I did something like
break the law to get them; etc.

But what I did do is spend tons of money, risk my health, etc.
That can happen to you too.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
__________________
julie

 
Old 09-16-2004, 10:33 AM   #8
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Brenshay HB User
Re: What have I done?

Bluejulie, thank you for writing to me. It breaks my heart to come on here and read stories like yours of such suffering and pain. It also scares me because I see myself heading down that same road. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just faced the pain from the oral surgery rather than take that first painkiller. If I'm being realistic, it didn't take too many pills or too many days to hook me. I loved the feeling of being "normal" and productive. I still do.

I have to admit I am wavering right now. I check this board repeatedly for advice and support on how to get off these pills, yet at the same time I am still taking them. Believe me, I know how very wrong that is. I'm trying to cut back on how often I take them, but I spend most of the day thinking about them and wanting them. I feel so stupid for thinking that I could handle it and that I knew what I was doing.

It's like I want the pills to be gone, but the thought of flushing them or throwing them out scares the life out of me. And, to continue being honest, the feeling I get from the pills isn't as intense and doesn't last as long anymore. It's true what I've read - you have to keep increasing your dose to get the same effect. So far I haven't, but if I had an unlimited supply I don't know what I would do.

I am going to keep coming here in the hopes that I will find the strength to get rid of this poison once and for all. I don't want to break the law either. I have two sweet little kids and a loving family and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that. Although I guess by taking this drug I am already doing that. God, I really really hate myself.

 
Old 09-16-2004, 11:59 AM   #9
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Posts: 429
bluejulie5 HB User
Re: What have I done?

Please dont say that you hate yourself.

You are not the only one who has ever had this problem.

I was telling you all of that because I care, and I dont want to see you
end up like me.

May I ask how many a day you are taking?

I remember coming on this board when I was taking 8 a day.
Michelle was telling me the same kind of things that I am telling you
now, only I didnt listen to her.
I thought, naw, it would never happen to me, I am in control of it.

I would get 60 to 90 pills at a time, and each time, I would tell
myself that I would make them last this time.
HA. They lasted maybe 3 or 4 days.

I cannot tell you how guilty I feel about how much money I have
spent. Money that I should have been saving for my kids.

I am going to try my hardest to replenish most of that
money that i wasted away.

I have been on methadone for almost 2 months; it really
isn't too hard, but sometimes I do have my bad days, where
I miss the pills, but never to much.

Please think really hard about quitting the pills.
talk to you later.
__________________
julie

 
Old 09-17-2004, 06:54 AM   #10
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kayleighsmom HB User
Re: What have I done?

(script error)

Last edited by kayleighsmom; 04-18-2005 at 09:46 AM.

 
Old 09-17-2004, 08:04 AM   #11
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Brenshay HB User
Re: What have I done?

BlueJulie, I am currently taking 4-5 pills a day of oxycodone, but I switched to Vicodin because the oxycodone was so hard to get. So I don't know how many of those I will have to take to get the same effect. I know they are not as strong. I don't feel like you did when you first came here - I know this is something I can't handle. It's already consuming my life.

Once I get through Disney World this weekend I plan to see my GP and tell him exactly what has been going on. I know I can't poison my body, spend all my money and tell lies forever or even for much longer. I really don't want to bring this all up now and spoil Disney World for my children. My 6-year-old son told us last night he was so excited that he could actually "smell" Disney World. It was really funny, but it made me more determined to make sure that we all have a good time and to focus on that.

I won't be able to post for the few days I am gone, but I will be right back here as soon as I return. This board has been helping me so much and making me more determined to get rid of this problem before I really get into trouble. So thanks to all of you for the caring and support.

 
Old 09-17-2004, 08:37 AM   #12
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octomon HB User
Re: What have I done?

Brenshay,
I was addicted to hydros, then ultimately Oxy, and I can tell you one thing for sure - You're right, you most very likely won't be able to taper on your own. Have you told your husband? I tried to quit so MANY times. I could never do it until I told my wife. In fact I went from thinking if anyone found out it would be the absolute worst thing, to deciding to tell anyone whose knowledge of my addiction would help me be and stay clean. It made all the difference in the world. It was extremely difficult for my wife, but now she is by my side. NOTHING became more important than recovery, and I ended up having to make difficult choices I never thought I could initially, but something shifts when you really get committed, and you WILL do whatever is necessary. Period. So take the advice you have received in the posts above to heart. Somewhere, in a quiet moment, with calm introspection, you KNOW what you have to do to beat this. So follow that voice, and toss your pills and excuses in the trash.

peace,
octomon

 
Old 09-17-2004, 09:57 AM   #13
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windysan HB User
Re: What have I done?

Sounds like rehab is needed....just my opinion. Tapering is next to impossible.

 
Old 09-17-2004, 10:16 AM   #14
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DallasAlice HB User
Re: What have I done?

Dear Brenshay,

There is not much I can say to you that hasn't already been written by another poster, but I do want to reiterate what many have said, which is to stop while you can...before it gets worse, seriously. I am so glad you have a place like this to come to and say whatever you want and feel safe...the freedom of anonyminity is a liberating thing and often the catalyst to start changing your life. That is how it happened for me here, I made a post on a suicidal night, literally spilled my guts out, and soon had formed wonderful supportive relationships with other people going through the very same thing--vicodin addiction. Yes, others had experienced oxycontin or had been on heroin, but regardless of what the drug is, I think addiction is the same. When we live our lives and schedule everything around when, where and how we are going to get our drug of choice, then there is no difference--we are controlled by something else and we are not happy anymore.

For me, it was the vicodin because just as you said, the percocet is hard to come by, but I got that as often as I could, too. Brenshay, I am both happy and scared for you--I am happy that you have discovered you have an addiction problem, but I am scared that you might find an addictive personality that lives in you that you weren't aware of before, and like me not deal with it early enough. Please do set that date and try as hard as you can to keep it. I can totally understand that a family trip to Disneyland is not the ideal time to start quitting, and I truly believe the timing is crucial...so when it is right and you know you are ready, go for it. Otherwise they will just keep calling, and you will keep answering the phone. I was like you once, but that was 20+ years ago...

My first taste of opiates came after I got my wisdom teeth out, too, in the form of Percodan. I was about 18 or 19 and had already done enough drugs to last me a lifetime, but as I kept experimenting, along with the pot I smoked, the acid, and the occasional coke, speed, and mushrooms--you name it, I did it--everything but heroin (even though I had plenty of opportunities, something about the needle scared me away from it.) I often wonder if that's why that first taste of opiates after that dentist appt. felt so wonderful...I hadn't felt anything like it before. I think if I had tried heroin, I surely would have found that I loved it.

But that pain killer, just like you said, was the best anti-depressant and energizer I had ever felt. I put almost all of the other drugs away, and with the vicodin, percodan, percocet, whatever...as long as it ended in "-odone" or "-ocet," I could take them and socialize and be the wittiest and most charming person (well, it sure seemed like it, anyway), in the group. But now...here I am about to turn 47 in a week, and only 10 wks. ago did I start a program to get off of these dang things. These pills have been a part of my life for almost 30 years, and for the last 5 years, they have been the ONLY thing of importance in my life. That is why I am so happy that you have come to this board, and I sincerely hope that what you've read will help you.

When I look back on the blur of years that was my life from the time I was a gangly, mouth-full-of-braces adolescent to now, an almost-50 yr. old woman on methadone, there is so much regret over time lost and money spent. I feel that my post and Blue Julie's could be one in the same in that regard, and I try very hard not to beat myself up over the money I spent and the debt I created that will be part of my life for years...if I allow myself to go down the road of thinking how my kids could have benefited from that money, oh boy, the tears could flow. But that was then and this is now, and I am commited to making the methadone program work. I've been on it for 10 weeks, and my monthly cost for it is $180 compared to the $300-$500/mth. I used to spend on the vicodin. It is hard to keep up when you are taking 15, give or take a few, every day. It is a lot of time spent figuring out ways to get them, what story you told this doctor or that doctor. Besides the money and of course, the opportunity to be free of the vicodins, the best thing this methadone program has given me is the chance to be honest with myself and with a medical professional...it felt so good to tell a doctor what I was doing and have him not rear back in shock and look at me like I was some kind of vile creature. But the pill-searching merry-go-round has finally stopped, and I was able to step off...and that, Brenshay, is an absolutely amazing feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything now. I seldom think about the pills anymore, and when I do, it is not with a fondness nor a missing of the high, it is with an "I can't believe I did that" feeling. Others here have been able to go cold turkey or taper, but I failed miserably at both of those attempts. I knew my lengthy time of drug use would require something more disciplined, and I chose the methadone program. I might have gone the suboxone route if it had been more affordable, but so far I feel good about my choice. I know some day (sooner than I will want, most likely) I will have to get off the methadone, too, and that will not be easy and that is when I am worried the "good thoughts" that surrounded the vicodin will come back to me in full force. That is why I stress to you to keep coming to the board, maybe find a meeting to go to, but if you can, be honest with your doctor, and put yourself in the hands of a professional who can help you get off the vikes easier than c/t or tapering if you find you can't do that. You will feel so much better to just get if off your chest by telling someone who also will hopefully know how to treat you for your really quite short time of using, and since you have come to know you can't self-medicate anymore, then what's the worst that can happen by seeking help from your doctor, right?!

Have a wonderful time with your family and when you get back and when it feels right, then there are ways to get help, and finding this board is a great beginning...

Good luck and best wishes to you,

Dallas Alice

 
Old 09-17-2004, 11:15 AM   #15
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rockingham HB User
Re: What have I done?

for bren,

when you said you were going to see your GP and were going to tell him everything i felt good inside for you. i believe it is your BEST option right now. arm yourself with information though bren. its important. sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and battle a doctor over your treatment options and the best way to do that is to be well read on the subject.

provided he/she is experienced with addiction and the physical symptoms of withdrawal[WD]. they can help you go thru the WD with a much more mild set of physical symptoms. clonidine is an important drug that is used in cases of opiate WD. bring it up if they dont write a prescription for it or fail to include it in your treatment. make it a special point if you have to. you will have done your homework about opiate addiction. with emphasis on treatment of the physical withdrawal and the symptoms associated with it with the use of certain prescription medicines that benefit those going thru opiate withdrawal. on the issue of opiate WD and its treatment clonodine has proven to provide a marked improvement in the reduction of physical symptoms. trazadone is another drug that is used to allow for better sleep results than withdrawing opiate addicts generally go thru. many will go several nights in a row getting NO sleep to illustrate some cases of hardcore addiction. i went five nights in my worst WD. you might also hear the term "restless legs" in some of the posts here. during my 5 day/nights period my body would not stop the continuous twitching and jerking movements in my legs. despite my every effort of concentration, the hot showers, the exercise i still could not stop it. to describe it my left leg would kick or jerk and as soon as that motion ceased my leg would twitch or jerk again, or be it my other leg. a severe WD case brings a whole new meaning to the term restless legs.

dont take fright at what i write here. our cases are not similar at all. mine is not the worst case scenario i mentioned but i was a hardcore IV user. part of my post is to illustrate what can happen to an addict if they lose control and just give themselves permission to use anywhere with any money at anytime.
withdrawal in these cases is acute and very difficult. your case is a much more mild addiction. being down to 4-5 pills a day is a much better prognosis for your withdrawal. PLEASE try to taper off even more it will only help you.

i know it hurts but you are an addict now bren i think you should give your husband your pills too. you are not able to take the medicine responsibly. its harsh babe but its also the truth. its a lifelong battle for you from here on out. i wish all the luck in the world and for the best possible outcome for you. i will always keep one eye on this board to read your fresh posts. you can do this... now prove it

 
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