Goodbye to all of you! You know one of the things that have been on my mind along with "where can I hide my pills so that when I come home I know I can take them again", is: I won't be able to write to all of you! I won't know how you guys are doing?
I WILL be literally "climbing the walls" come Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of next week. I will be going through dedox- and completely in the care of people I don't even know or haven't ever met. I guess that's part of process of rehabilitation- to trust people again.
I have learned to lie, to isolate, to steal pills, to cover up how messed up I was in front of my kids (or so I think), and to block my feelings and pain.
I am going to rehab to "re-train" my brain- to not depend on pain meds anymore and rely on my "natural instinct to survive." Which I was given at
birth by God. The Lord wants my heart heart and soul back. I Im gladly giving it to him all packaged up pretty with a huge pastel green w/ a hint of lilac and vanilla- orange.
I will meet with strangers who will become my friends, and lose the relationship I have with pills.
I have this board to thank- and the book, "Cracked", by Drew Pinsky- which my boyfriends mother gave to him, and he gave to me- before I knew I was an addicted to pain meds. The disease had me believe that I was okay- taking a few more pills-more than the doctor prescibed.
But the burn holes in my bar stools tell a different story. Which leads me now to choose between living or dying eventually.
I will never forget the beautiful friendships I have made through this board.
Lynn, I will say you have to be the "Board's President", Dallas- Vice President, Chris- treasurer- and so on- to everyone- You have ALL helped me get to this point, (Thanks a frigin lot ) I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT THESE PILLS. But I know I want to LIVE. And can't bring them with me. And seriously- I have all of you to thank. I CAN'T WAIT to come home and post a new thread when I come back.
I will tell yall all about the decor of Laha, the people, the recovery, my feelings when I was up at 5:30 am in the "seekers" meeting. How I almost broke out of there when they ref. to give me pain meds-
On a last note- when you are going to sleep at night- remember that Sara is thinking about YOU, and praying for YOU. I am rooting for all of you. I know, along with myself- will come out of this a better person.
With everlasting love,
ps. If you have a chance, please reply to this post- whenever you can over the next month- I will be back on October 22nd to read it!
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
Sara - You're there! See? You took that first step! And, we're all here--watching over you. It's gonna be a long month for us--and you're sure gonna be missed!! Here in NYC, the "Heavens are weeping" on your departure--or is it just IVAN?!?!? :-) At any rate, it is thundering and ligtning and the rain is torrential. (My little dog Theo is hidden so far under the bed I cannot see hide nor hair of him, while little Celeste has glued her fur to my body in what to her must feel like "the last embrace."!!! They are so funny!)
Okay, kiddo. So, you take care now and learn a lot and meet new friends. And we'll be here watching over you. And loving and missing you, xxx Lynn xxx
PS SURE, I'll hold your pills for you Sara!!!! They'll be safe!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!)
Good morning on your first awakening in rehab ! I just came from taking my dose at the meth clinic, and how about you? Have you had breakfast? I wonder if you are comfortable and if they're giving you anything...still a morning with thoughts of drugs, only in a different way. Ah, I see Lynn is up...so how is your foot feeling, and have you had to take anything for it yet today? Hearing about the weather and flashing on the "old days," boy I loved a rainy or snowy day to snuggle in with my cat and watch the old flicks on AMC or TCM with my friends, Mr. and Mrs Vicoden ES. If you were like I was, I never really minded any of the 10 or so surgeries I've had, and I often saved the pain pills for when I was feeling better, and take them then...and heck, Advil? I took that when I was feeling fine, just to ward off anything that might encroach upon my day.
Recovery can be as surreal as addiction it seems, and it's so strange to think about how we all start our days now...Sara and others all waking up to meet each other for the first time at a far-away rehab clinic, me and some others off to the meth clinic to get their daily dose, others in the process of dissolving their sub under their tongue, some counting and tapering, some enduring the sweat and chills of c/t withdrawals, and some pondering their inevitable decision. What a difference even some short time can make while one is a "member of the board" here...
So Lynn, how is your mood these days? I need to write you more on the way you expressed the loss of joy...I so understand that feeling. The way you described it was exactly how I would if I could have said it as well. I think that along with my financial situation, that "loss" was another catalyst for trying to get off of them. They just weren't delivering that all-over body warmth and ultimate burst of energy 30-45 minutes after taking some anymore, you know? I knew it would have to be more to get that, and I just couldn't afford it. I haven't dabbled in the oxy's but it sounds like they can wreak a little havok on your depression as well? You know if you decide you are ready, I am right there with you, don't you? I so understand that feeling of simply not being ready yet, though, and if it comes to you, you'll know it and then, and only then, will anything be really worth trying. I loved the way you described your lost feelings of skiing as I live in the heart of ski country! Made me think of some long-lost days myself when I read that. BTW, I also loved the way you described New York in your post on "that other" thread! Made me think of your state in a completely different way, and for the first time ever, it made me think how neat it would be to really "do New York!" And your sister, how is Best Friend? Haven't seen her posts for awhile it seems. On that note, I know where Sara will be, but I wonder if we'll ever hear from Michelle or BCBurnaby again? I think of them often.
Sara, I wonder what your day will bring you, and I am sending my "Dallas Alice Vibes" to you, and they can be strong (especially after dosing!) so watch out when they hit you today . Have you had a chance to talk to a counselor or a doctor yet, I wonder? Have you made a friend? Have you "clicked" yet with a special person? Have you kept yourself occupied with thoughts of redecorating your mind along with the rehab? So many questions and so long to wait for the answers...just know I'm right there with you, and at the same time, behind the veil of the internet cheering you on. When or if you find yourself thinking of the pills, try to think of that as another Sara, the one you left behind, and "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, because the great and mighty Oz has spoken!"
And Lynn, just because YOU were voted Pres., doesn't mean you get to do everything--I want to be the pill keeper, too, and I think a vote is in order for the colors of the rehab. I'm a blue, yellow and white person myself. Geesh, give a gal a little power and it goes straight to her head--LOL! Aw, you know I love ya, my pretty, and your little dog, too...!
Love you too, Sara, and am beside myself with curiousity as to what today will bring you,
Miss you already, Dallas Alice (see, you are still a part of this conversation!)
p.s. So you guys, this is soooo weird, but for the past 3 nights, I've had dreams about pills! For the first time ever...one night I dreamt I was going to be like tortured or something, and I was really angry with myself for not having a stash of pills around! Yikes, what does that mean?! Then one night I was with my sister and her family, and all of a sudden she was NOT my sister and was talking and acting totally different and she told me she could finally be herself now and take all the pills she wanted (she's never taken more than an aspirin in her life!), and then the next night I dreamt my now-deceased ex-father-in-law was addicted to Ambien and I had to write his dr. a letter so he would know because my father-in-law was taking them during the day and nobody could understand why he was sleeping all the time except me because I knew, so then he was busted and really mad at me! Help!! Although I love my new-found ability to sleep, these dreams are freaking me out!
Last edited by DallasAlice; 09-18-2004 at 08:50 AM.
Reason: left out a paragraph!
Dallas A! Just read your note and saw your questions, comments, etc. I'll be back tomorrow to answer! I'd just finished a long note to Chris on this nice thread she started for me...but now my foot is killing me from hanging it down on the computer!! So...will come back tomorrow. I'm SICK of this foot! (But we're stuck together, like it or not.) LOL!
Those are SOME bizarre dreams you had. Just listen to mine this early a.m.--just before I woke up. You'll love it! My cousin was holding out two pills for me, saying "here' I found two for you." But then...would you believe..the doorbell rang (in REAL life)...and it was my sister alice with two lattes for me! How weird!! :-)
I was scared I'd miss you before you left, so I'm really glad I had a chance to share some of my thoughts with you this past weekend. (Well by the time you get this it will be an eternity ago.) Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and look forward to hearing your experiences. The path you've chosen won't be easy but from "talking" with you it was a path you felt you had to follow, not only for your own well-being but for your girls as well. I don't envy your first few days especially, they are gonna be tough. Sound like I'm speaking from experience? Well, that will be something we can share when you get back. Didn't want to bring it up before you left, not that it was a bad experience but I wasn't ready when I went and was afraid I'd come off negatively about it, and didn't want to say something that might influence you against it. Thinking of you often and sending my heart and well-wishes everyday
Couldn't help but smile when I read your post about the dreams, it never fails when I'm trying to leave the pills alone I will have some pretty peculiar dreams about them. I've dreamed of buying a house from an old boyfriends mother and when she stepped out of the room I was tearing up cabinets trying to find her stash. And the other night my nephew had broken his collarbone (which actually happened) I told him to check my purse for a pain pill and he drug out this huge, giantic I mean bigger than life pill that had Vicodin across it. It was the size of a car tire!! I was so mad watching him chew on that thing..............I never meant for him to get the big one!!! Crazy things these pills do to us.
Hope all is well.
Sara...you are in my prayers. This is gonna be the best move you ever made. The knowledge and comfort you are gonna receive from rehab are the tools you need to go on with your life w/out drugs. I am sorry i missed you before you left. I am thinking of you daily.....
Im hoping this will work for you-a month is a good long stay-i never did long term treatment-just the endless "spin drys"-at the detox clinics-and a week in a hospital..maybe that was my first problem-i did outpatient groups/AA/NA/therapy addictionologists-etc..but a whole month focusing on your health-its gotta work..You can do it girl-i know you got the power.
I bet you made some fast friendships-and you are feeling better already..
Goddess bless you-
Well, here you are at the end of day five! Congratulations on making it this far...I hope you are feeling okay, and I wonder if any of your predictions about how you would be feeling at this time are correct? Hope you aren't feeling too homesick (I imagine you must miss those kids of yours a bunch by now , but just try to hold on for yourself as well as for them...) I sure hope you aren't climbing the walls as you thought you might be around day 5! At least there they surely have a safety net to catch you if you fall...
I think we would all learn so much about ourselves and addiction in general if we could put work and kids and family, etc., sort of "on hold" for a month and go someplace like where you are and just focus on ourselves and take care of our addiction in an atmosphere geared for everything that can come up as far as with how you are feeling. I get goosebumps just thinking about you being there and having this opportunity. I want to know about the others going through what you are, the professionals that take care of you, the treatments you are given, the work you have to do, the decor, and even the food!
Well, you are now 15.6 percent of the way through this, and I have a feeling that for us the time is going slow, but for you, I wonder if the time is ticking by fast and if you will have a hard time when you leave the safety and the relationships you have made while there? I sure hope you are meeting some good folks. Geez, I wish you could let us know how you are!?! I think about you often, and every once in awhile when I feel a "shiver" overtake me, I like to think it's you sending me some vibes or inspiration or motivation or maybe just a hello...
Hey Sara, How are u doing? I miss you a whole lot!!!!!!!!! I hope detox is not going so bad.. Are they giving you anything to reverse the effects of the pain pills??? I am doing a whole lot better... I am getting sleep. Dont know how much, but its some. I am able to concentrate and go to college and write this letter, so I must be getting an adequte amount!!! Have you made any friends??? Do you really want rehab friends??? Are those the postive friends for you?? I am praying for you, and going to church every sunday and reading the bible. I hope you dont have anymore thoughts about those BAD PILLS!!! YOU CAN FINALLY BE A SOBER MOM AND CLEAN MOMMY!! YOU WILL BE THE BEST MOMMY TO YOUR KIDS!!! YOUR GREAT ALREADY< BUT YOU WILL BE EVEN BETTER WHEN YOU GET CLEAN!!! You have 27 more days left of rehab, today is the 23rd of Sept, and its 1020am!!! I am in college right now. I am in college studying to be a social worker!!! I hope you are doing fantastic and not craving for the bad pills. I hope your not bouncing off the walls. PLEASE SIT STILL SARA!!! NO GOING CRAZY!!! YOUR PROBABLY GOING THROUGH W/D NOW!! I feel bad for you, but you will get through. FAITH AND HOPE, WILL GET U THROUGH ANYTHING!! WELL SARA GOOD LUCK!! TAKE CARE!!! I GOTTA GET GOING TO CLASS!!! I WAS JUST CHECKING IN, AND I WILL KEEP DOING THAT!! I WILL KEEP POSTING HERE TO CHECK UP ON YOU AND TO LET U KNOW HOW IM DOING!!! LOVE YA, CHRISTINA
I have been following your story and will keep you in my prayers. I am so proud of you and the fact that you had the guts to make this decision. It will be a long climb but the end result will be like standing at the tip of the highest mountain - and knowing that you ALONE climbed it. Love, hugs, and many prayers to you. I hope
you know that we are all right here to support you. Cat >..<
I just can't express how happy and excited I am for you right now...and I already miss you!!! I can't wait to hear all about your rehab stay, your recovery, etc. You have so many people here that love and care about you..and we all wish for only the VERY best for you!!!! You are so incredibly strong, and I have the utmost respect and admiration for you, my dear. My thoughts & prayers are with you constantly...please update us just as soon as you can!!!!
XOXOXOXOXO...much love, many prayers, and God Bless you, sweetie!!!!