Welcome to the board. That is a curious post you made, and without some background, it is hard to say why you did what you did, you know? From what I am able to see, you drink a little and do a little speed, and you enjoy smoking pot. So now did you just decide to mix it up with the morphine? Or is this something you've done before and decided to see what it would feel like to take more than before?
I used to love smoking pot...it was the only way I could ever get to sleep at night and I often thought it made me very "creative" when I smoked during the day. That is what it sounds like you were feeling...I remember years ago that the "first hit of the day" was the best one, so high and so full of "I think I'll do this...!" thoughts. Speed, well I never cared for that feeling, too wired. The doggy downers were much more preferable to me than the puppy uppers, if you know what I mean!
So, as I read your post, I wonder how old you are, how much and how often you take this wild mix of drugs, and if your motive for posting is to get some advice or a reaction? With the little bit of info provided, I would have to concur with the post you received from Windysan. Drug addicts steal pills, experiment with fatal concoctions, and sometimes lurk at message boards like this and eventually make a post, too.
I would gladly write you more if you have questions or thoughts on what you did that you would like to explore further or if you are trying to figure something larger out, something bigger than why you took more morphine than you wanted given the sick result it had on you, and if "embarrassment" is really your biggest concern if things had gone horribly wrong.
I know I am a drug addict, have been for 27 years. I have quit fighting it.
I thought I would start to analize my behavior so I started with this weird Saterday morning. I really don't mix drugs, the main three were as I stated, A,S, and M.
I thought would try to figure on my own what would create impulse behavior. It is like on a diet...." why do I need the chocolate cake when I just finished one?"
so I thought I would post to get any direction or since of reasoning regarding a drug addict's thinking.
I call myself a functioning druggie. Background? Too long, but not bad awful happenings in my life. Only that My mom left me when I was 16 to move out of town.. I was glad party party party.
Since then, I have taken care of myself, married sucessfully the second time, and own a successful business.
I did have my son rasied by my first husband. I was a week-end Mom.
i do wonder how much more successful I would be if I would have been sober for any length of time.
PS I love pot in the morning!!
And again, thank you for not disrespecting me and my post.
I'm glad you wrote back...I feel like you have some things on your mind that you'd like to toss out to the board for something more, maybe it's simply some understanding and finding others who can relate to your lifestyle. There seem to be a lot of successful, have-it-all members here who still, for whatever reason, are addicted to something. It's pretty amazing the different personalities on here and the varying range of addicts--from the suburban housewife to the chairman of the board. I suppose many, like you, wonder what their careers and financial life would be like if the alcohol and/or drugs hadn't also been in the mix of their lives.
27 years...wow, well you got me beat by about 5! I'm going to be 47 this weekend, and I honestly can't remember my life without some form of drug or alcohol surrounding my activities...pot first thing in the a.m., and then again the last thing at night. I often used it to just come down from the coke or acid or whatever that was keeping me going after 24+ hours! When my connection's connection commited suicide, I was lost without it...OMG, I couldn't sleep at all, it was like losing my longest pal as I'd been smoking since I was 14. I didn't find my drug of choice--pain pills--until I was 1bout 18 and had my wisdom teeth out. Boy, when that first round of opiates hit me (Percodan back then), I knew I'd found my favorite, and it has been in my life in varying degrees ever since. If it hadn't been for the money, I don't know if I would have had the "push" to go for treatment or not, you know? I would like to think my desire was strong enough to want to quit, but I can't honestly say that was it. I do know that the high wasn't there as strongly as it used to be, so really all I was doing was keeping the withdrawals at bay and I think I finally said, ok...I can't be doing this when I'm 60 and 70 (if I was even going to make it to that age), and I can't keep piling up the debt, so I just started methadone 11 weeks ago, and so far, so good--only one relapse and that was at the end of August.
So I am curious about your statement that you have decided not to fight your drug addiction? Like it's just a given that is what you are and that is what you will always be. I know what it feels like to be getting older and finding some parts of life are stuck in another time and place and don't change along with the rest of things. Do you think your chance to quit has passed by or are you interested in quitting? I was pretty adamant that I was living the life I had been dealt, but I guess I'll find out...since I'm here, I might as well try something different because the life of addiction I had created wasn't as much fun as it used to be.
I came here only a couple of months ago and made my first post when I was very close to a suicidal moment, but I held off...I've always found comfort in knowing I can control my destiny that way I think. I thought I was surely doomed to this pill-chasing, money and time consuming addiction forever...you know, like till death do us part? It was my relationship, it was my friend, it was my everything...and I made a point of pushing everyone I knew out of my life so I could be alone with it. I didn't want to hear criticisms or judgments or preaching or any of it...and fortunately, when I posted here, I didn't and I was so relieved. I've been enjoying this place ever since. Sure, you will find those who disagree with some things or feel one form of treatment is better/worse than another, or maybe don't always read between the lines of a person's post...but if you stick around and expose a little bit more of your world so we can get to know what's going on in your life, I think you'll find a pretty understanding group of addicts who aren't shocked by much. Well, I hope you will stay awhile so I can enjoy some "pot" talk at least! Ah, how I loved that stuff...mentally I miss it quite often, but the last time I had a chance to smoke some...I fell asleep within an hour and it wasn't the creative, energizing high it used to be--I had been away from it too long (plus this was some really good stuff!), and there's a huge difference being this age and smoking it and being 20 years younger. One thing about all the drugs I've taken--they do make me feel so very old.
Sorry for digressing, and I'm sorry your mom left you to fend for yourself while you were so young. I bet that had something to do with your attraction to the drinking and other drugs, wouldn't you think? My folks didn't physically leave, but they emotionally left, and I too, was able to party at a very young age and pretty much do what I wanted. I think I read in a post here somewhere that a common theme among drug addicts is that they take drugs to replace something that is missing in their life, and I guess that could be pretty right on when you think about it. I'm glad you aren't alone now, with your marriage and your dad. I bet it is hard taking care of him. It's so weird when the roles between parent and child become reversed. Do you think you will try the morphine again, or did you find out what you wanted to know about it? Just be careful because I really would like to talk with you some more...
Well, gotta go for now, but I wanted to write you back and thank you for replying and tell you that I look forward to getting to know you. I hope we can talk again--I am nobody to disrespect anyone for their situation, their thoughts or their words--we're all the same as far as I am concerned. Oh, but about the impulsiveness of what you did with the morphine, do you think that if you've reached a "point of no return" so to speak with addiction, that you are in a place where you are kind of throwing caution to the wind and doing some potentially dangerous things just to see if you can survive it? I wonder, but I'm still not sure because like I said, that was a very curious post you made.
Welcome to the board.
I stumbled acrossed it about a month and half ago, read for about two weeks, and than made the big step and gave up the opiates. I know what you mean about a functioning addict, I was living a lie for years. I have been opiate free for a month now, and this board was the life-line during my physical withdrawal period. I couldn't do anything except read the posts and devour every bit of encouragement and hope that people here sent my way.
Anyway, you are at the right place, and no matter what decisions you make about your drug use, people here will listen and help.
I will keep an eye out for your posts!
Katie....I've been in similar position as you....primary care physcian of my grandmother, she gets SO much pain medication and doesn't touch any of it so it just sits there.....Who knows why we do what we do! But at least you can identify that it was wrong, you have guilt and you will pick yourself up and keep going...why? Becuase tomorrow is another day and another chance to continue down the week you had before where you were completely clean! Hang in there!
just a quick email, just wanted to thank u for your response. i don't want to go to bed without a "hi" and '"Thank you."
I will write back and visit with you at another time;soon. I have been speeding for the last 2 days and I am tired. (good thing i have another line left for tomorrow)
DallasAlice, I have enjoyed your emails. I will look forward to visting you, Scaredhelpless and all the other folks again. May I call you Dallas and scaredhelpless can I use SH to address you?
Sure you can call me Dallas, that really is my name. I love the song "Willin' " by Little Feat (circa 1971) and part of it goes (I bet you know this song...?) "I've been worked by the rain and driven by the snow, I'm drunk & dirty & don't you know that I'm still, oh I'm still...I work hard on the road late at night, and I see my pretty Alice in every headlight, Alice...Dallas Alice, I've been from Tucson to Tucumcarrie (ap?) & to Hatchapete (sp?) I towed 'em all, I've driven every kind of rig that's ever been made, & I've driven the backroads so I won't get weighed, & if you give me weed, whites and wine, and then you show me a sign, I'll be willi'n'--to be movin'..." so that's it, where my user name comes from. Someone dubbed me DallasAlice almost 30 years ago, and it stuck.
Well, I hope you are able to get some sleep. I'm curious about the appeal of speed these days. I used to do it when I was a teenager, and I remember doing those old white crosses back in the 70's, it was a pretty hard-on-the body little white pill that definately gave a person a buzz (enough to get me and two other gals to upstate New York from the midwest in a straight 40-hr. drive in an El Camino! Yikes!!!) But I could NEVER do that now. I remember having lots of stomach cramps and being so wired my teeth were grinding away and my jaw was clenched and I lost a lot of weight and I had such a hard time coming down and sleeping that I finally gave it up. Good thing I got some road trips under my belt when I was younger and my body could handle it better. This was a particularly good one as we all went to see Niagara Falls, and it was so cool. I'm thinking today's stuff is waaaay different than in my day, and what the appeal is, well, I'll have to wait to hear from you on that--sincerely, I am wondering what it is you like about it? I know what I like about opiates, but since they're like the complete opposite of the other, I admit to being "curiouser and curiouser."
"Hi" back, Katie, and thank you, too, for writing...I enjoy your mail as well. Talk to you later,
hiya i just wanted to say that any mind altering substance is bound to ******* you up if you have an addictive personality. morphine is highly highly addictive and very dangerous so be careful just remember that one is too many and a thousand is never enough when it comes to drug addiction. if you think you may have a problem with drugs you could do what i did and start going to narcotics annonymous. it worked for me and still does all the best mate and take care
Your post is so kind, and your words of encouragement are so much appreciated. I am afraid to go to NA because I am afraid that I may meet someone there that I may know. I need to go somewhere that I am invisible. I am use to being invisible. Why should I be pretend to be anyone, someone, a person. It is my destiny.
Invisable, that is how I felt tonite. I was to meet a client for dinner. When I arrived she and another semi-business client was there. I was surprised.
I wanted them to have great customer service, I was witty, customer friendly, catering to their dining and drinking needs, but they talked above me, ignored me and "talked amoung them-selves".
After food (thank god) Tiffany informed me that she was on pain medication (I thought "law suit" LOL). Tiffiany said that she needed to smoke pot and had a joint in her car. Cool, they didn't respect me ,what the hell. We went in Tiffany's car. What a drive! I didin't think I would live through it! I voiced my concern about her saftey. ( and thinking about my saftey too) Wendy and I indicated to her to take us back to our cars.
Finally she said she would if we went to this club with her. She dropped us at our cars. We went to the club in separate cars.
When I arrived at the club they were surpized to see me. (Hell, I was right behind both of them, I was watching to make sure they didn't wreck)
We wen't in, sat down, 15 minutes later I was sitting alone. Tiffiany left abrupty and Wendy was right behind her. I was alone, I felt a tad bit embarrased ( not that I embarrass easily)
When Wendy came back, she said Tiffiany was sick and had to leave.
I should have been concerned, but I was shock, I felt like a loser.
As I trailed behind them to the parking lot, not a thank you, nothing. I saw Tiffiany peeling out. Wendy wheeling behind her.
I feel so "nobody". I would never do that to a being, and if I were sick I would take just a second to give a quick apologiy, week smile and a soft thank you, and then leave. I'd would have said something. Couldn't they had said something? Anything?
I have tried to analize this evening, tring to figure what it was I did. I must have done something to get this "your a piece of dirt, and I will scrape you off when I am readly to go home. (dramatic aren't I?)
I called severAL times to Wend'ys car phone to check on her and Tiffany but no answer nor a returned phone call.
Tonite reminded me of my Highschool days:
I had to sit alone at lunch, no one would sit with me ( only had luch when I had too).
I was the joke of the groups (even the band students hated me)
and I was the last one to be chosen for the sports team but the first one to be bullied on in front of them all.
The only school function I went to was in Jr High. I had to leave, no one would talk to me (Hey, I ani't that ugly).
I couldn't go to prom, I would have been alone.
I must remember, there is something about me that people just hate. Too bad cause if someone really liked me, I would appreciate them for their kindness and would tell them so often.
Tonite, I needed to talk with someone. I called my husband, he was in bed. I tried to think who else could I talk too ? I thought of an employee that I liked but I couldn't do that.
I realized, and again, I have no one to sit with at lunch.
So here I am talking to you; my only friend, who ever you are.
Man...I am so sorry to hear about the evening you had and the way you were treated. Given the way you describe the scenario of this particular evening...you were there when you were needed, you went out of your way to make them comfortable. After all, they were business clients and you were doing your job, and you did the right thing. They, on the other hand, did not do the right thing, and I hope you will see that. It takes a very small person to exclude another both in conversation and in actions, but it takes a very big person to go out of their way to make a client feel welcome and important. It sounds like their self-importance went straight to their head, and they acted just like you noticed...like high schoolers living in their own "clique." When you start to ask yourself "what did I do to deserve this?" the answer is really right in front of you..."nothing." These women just lost out on meeting a very interesting and intelligent woman by choosing to act so childish and use this business dinner as a way to party amongst themselves. I am sorry you got dragged into it, and through no fault of your own, either.
I will say that you do sound so very alone...your words contain a rythym of sadness in them that cause me to reflect on my past, also. I think that is why I was caught by your original post...there you are, feeling these things that are now, for whatever reason, starting to overwhelm you and maybe you don't feel you want to do this alone anymore. Being alone is the worst when you are in that kind of state of mind, and why is it that the people we need are sometimes never there when we most want to talk to them? I had no idea you had a husband...do you mind if I ask what that part of your story is about? Many a night I laid in bed or on the couch going through my list of phone numbers trying to find one person I felt I could talk to, and the reality of the fact that there was nobody was like getting hit in the heart and in the head. I knew I had purposefully driven people away from me and out of my life so I could be alone with my best friends...my pills, yet now I craved the touch and sound of a real live person, and there wasn't a soul to be found. Did I do something to push them away? Yes, most definately. My motives were messed up then, and now I am paying the consequences for my actions because I no longer want to be alone, yet I am. I feel I have to earn them back...those that I want in my life anyway, as there are plenty of users and abusers who would be easy to draw into my world, but I don't want that anymore and it doesn't sound like you do either...?
Katie, I don't think that there is anything that you have done to cause this kind of treatment from people. You said it best yourself when you said you would never do that to anybody, and you questioned their inability to do it. You are so far ahead of them in this because you see what they are doing and the things they should be doing yet for whatever reason, they are chosing to be selfish and non caring. The few words we've exchanged tell me that you would be there for someone you cared about in a heartbeat if that is what was called for. The business clients...and even those hateful kids in H.S...are not important people. Please don't give them so much power as to cause you to feel less than you are, okay?
You must NOT remember that there is something about you that people must dislike! It hurts me to read you saying that. You are smart, I can tell by the way you analyze your actions and those of the people in your life. Yet you can't always intellectualize emotional behaviors, you know? You are trying very hard to understand why you feel the way you do, and in doing that you have come to the decision that there isn't anything wrong with the people in your life, so you feel that it must be something wrong with you, and Katie...you are wrong about that. When you want to analyze their actions, ask yourself what it is that you did that would result in this behavior and I'll guarnatee you the answer is "nothing." They are simply being whoever they are and acting on their own personality traits, and you are reacting to them with yours.
I think we are all products of our environment, and I sense that yours has been a little more rough than you've let on. Now that you've disclosed some of your teen, H.S. days (which to me were the worst time of my life!) I see that you are a very sensitive young woman who is hurting very deeply inside and that, I think, is why you have turned to drinking and drugs as a way to keep the pain of those years and of the things that have happened to you (and I'm sorry if I'm jumping to a conclusion, but being the survivor of an assault...a sexual assault, I sense that you are the victim of something also, but I am not sure of what. It seems as if you were the victim of abuse, but only you can tell me if I'm right or wrong, and if I am right, then whether it was emotional, mental, verbal or something else...I sense you are very much a victim in this game of life. Please correct me if I'm wrong, and please consider talking to me about it if I am right?)
Katie, we have a lot in common when you mention the past, and I had to go to the prom with my 10-year-older-than-me brother in law (who raped me that night and gave me my first taste of incest at the age of 16.) Now that we are older, we don't have to give these peers of ours, these so-called popular kids, the power to cause us pain, and I will eat lunch with you anytime, and I can see you...you aren't invisible no matter how much you either feel you are or long to be.
I hope you are feeling better today, and I wish I had seen this post earlier so I could have written you sooner. I look forward to hearing back from you, and I hope that you won't let this incident get the best of you any further. It sounds as if you've had enough taken away from you. I will offer you this saying as it seems to relate to what you've been through the last couple of days..."Some souls are like sponges. You cannot squeeze anything out of them except what they have sucked from you." I say it's time to get some new sponges, what do you say?
Please know that it made me feel really good that you would think of me in a time of need and also that you would think of me as your friend...talk to you soon? Take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you soon.
I was afraid to look at the responses to my last post, or the lack there of. I was fearful that I would be told what a baby I was being. The truth hurts!
The next morning I was better, I wasn't crying but I was still mad.
MY client called the next day to tell me what a great time she had. Right!
It was nice of her to call really. So I am fine, my client is fine and the other person is alive too.
Thank you for taking the time to analyze me with me. I will admit that when I analyze my present or my past social situations I seem to drift back to school. It is hard to believe that school can affect people in their adult lives so deeply. How was high school for you compared to Junior, even elementary? Did you enjoy any of your school days?
I am so sad to hear you had to deal with an adult situation at that age. Is this the cause for your addition, or should I say pain relief? What type of pill, a downer?
Myself, I am an upper liker. It started when I was dancing in a bar back in 1978. I was introduced to black mollies - remember those? Shortly after, I was introduced to meth, speed. WOW!! and I have been on it ever since. Exept for a few months through the years when I didn't do it. The only reason was I lost my connections here and there. For the most part I could find it when I got unlazy.
It is like today, I took care of my Dad in the morning, met with the CPA at lunch, at the office doing paperwork in the afternoon, took care of my Dad that afternoon and at bedtime (Dad has a lot of medication and wound care needs). I cleaned the bathroom, balanced my checkbook and got my husband to discuss business and approved some decisions. I now sit here emailing. I have to go to work tomorrow to check on a job.
My thoughts are quite now and I will end this writing by saying THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for your deep desire to help.