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Old 09-19-2004, 06:10 PM   #1
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Location: indiana usa
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katkat HB User
Enabling

How can we convince my mother in law to stop enabling her 40+ year old son? He's broke she gives him money, he loses a job she gives him a place to live for free even after he gets another job. He needs someone to drink with she will go with him to the bar. She is 71 years old! She runs around paying his bills, doing his errands, cooking, washing, cleaning for him. She does everything but hold the damn bottle to his mouth. My husband, her son, and I have both told her she is helping him to stay drunk. He can't hold down a job. She got so mad at us she took my husband out of the will, yet we are only trying to see him hit rock bottom so he will want to get help. As it is the only time he wants help now is when he is staggering drunk and is in a pity party. Hubby has taken him to the rehab place late at night only to see him come home a few days later and be drunk in record time. I told hubby not to take him when he is drunk anymore but he won't go when he is sober. He doesn't want to get straight. I feel if his mom would stop helping him he would hit the skids and want to change. He is her baby, the favorite so she cannot say no to him. Any suggestions? Or should we just turn our heads and let them kill each other? I feel like we are beating our heads against the wall and we are now the bad ones........~sigh
Kat

 
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Old 09-19-2004, 08:38 PM   #2
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octomon HB User
Re: Enabling

Hey Katkat,
Addicts are so damn talented at finding and keeping those near them that support/enable their addiction. I know this firsthand.

Please look at an earlier thread [one page back] called "Seeking advice for 'functioning' addict".

Much of the advice I received here may give you some perspective.

Good luck, and BLESS you both for caring and trying and being strong.

-octomon

 
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Old 09-19-2004, 09:11 PM   #3
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: Enabling

Sometimes someone's rock bottom is just that. When they are in the rock six feet at the bottom. Only do what you can. If you can go on longer trying to help then do so but don't lose your sanity. Also sounds like your mother in law is past the point of change. She may never see your point, she's trying to be his friend and not his mother. Leaving with an alcoholic husband I know from experience of years that you can not be his saving grace, only he can and that's the bottom line. There is a drug you can check out called antabuse that deters them from drinking if HE wants to quit this may help. Even though it hurts to say it but you may have to do like i do my husband and brother.......leave them be. I booted my husband out for my sanity and for my children.....My brother also lives with my mother but she's more like his warden. He STILL drinks and does drugs and LIES.....Oh boy does he lie. Do what you can but probably nothing will change their ways unless they want to.

 
Old 09-20-2004, 08:29 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2000
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katkat HB User
Re: Enabling

Thanks for your replies. It is so aggervating, then to have mil enable him so much, we have decided for our own sanity that we are letting go. Of course I we made one last ditch effort last night by sending an article on enabling to my mil. It hit the nail right on the head, it had a list from 1-10, she had done at least 8 of them that should prove to her she is helping him stay drunk!
As for the anabuse he has them but won't take them. His mom paid for them too. It shows me that he has no desire to stop drinking. I can't stand to be around him because he always smells so bad, reeks of booze even in the morning. Staggering, slurring...
as i said, thanks for your replies.
Kat

 
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