Really quickly I want to let ya'll know that the first day at the clinic was GREAT!!!!!!!! Doctor, albeit a bit quiet, seemed very kind and encouraging. My counselor, although I don't believe to be an ex addict, is also as friendly and as nice as can be. She even has her nose pierced! She is, however, very stressed at the moment because her sister attempted suicide a few days ago. I feel for her and know what she is going through. It is a very tough thing to see someone you love believing that they are worthless and that life is not worth living. Well, I do think things are a little bit different at this clinic than some of your others. As far as takehomes go, you must come in every day except Sun for the first 90 days. After that if you have had 3 clean UA's, then you get 1 extra take home each week besides Sundays. Then, after 6 months and 3 more UA's, then you only have to come into the clinic 3x per week. The next step up is not until 2 years, and I don't intend to be in the program that long. I will tell you that I was surprised that they do not do supervised UA's and I even asked about it and they said that they only supervise if you come in one day and say you just can't pee, then they watch you the next day. They do not require any additional counseling or NA/AA meeting attendance. Just clean UA's, meeting with counselor once a week for the first month, then at your leisure thereafter.
Now, as far as how I feel. Withdrawals are gone. Thank God! I will admit that right now...........about 2 hours after dosing, I am somewhat mildly buzzed, but its not a drugged up euphoric high. In fact, I'm also quite a bit nauseaus right now. The first few hours felt strange......not really like an opiate, but thats not necessarily a bad thing, either. I just feel better, not bad, and thankful that the withdrawals are gone.
So, Alice, Rock and Jen..................now I am started, go ahead and pin me. < salutes > We are all in this together now. Be looking for my monster post coming soon if you are interested in learning who I really am.......probably more than you'll want to read, but skim it if you like.
I hope all of you are doing well. Stay strong...............
I was just getting ready to leave and I thought to myself....I wonder if there's anything on the board from DJ about whether or not he went to the clinic this morning...and there it was! I am so happy that things went as well as they did, but even more importantly, that you are feeling so much better. Isn't some of that "buzz" just coming from the fact that you know you're going to get through the day without those damn pills? Aaaahhhhhhh.......freedom. A new (and improved) life awaits you.
By the way..I want to say something...I did not mean to imply anything when I mentioned the "legal high"...I was hoping you wouldn't misinterpret that. I think I understand what you were saying...about almost hoping there was in fact some type of buzz with the methadone. Once we make that choice to get rid of our little pill friends, the mere thought of going through the day just plain old straight is undaunting. (especially if you had been living on pills for so many years, like I was) I guess it's as if we have enough courage to make that big decision to stop using, but not quite enough courage to sacrifice comfort, emotional and physical. I envy people who can go to rehab, come home, stay clean, and just continue to live their lives clean. I couldn't do that, I tried, I relapsed, over and over and over again. I needed a treatment that was going to suppress the withdrawal symptoms while I received counseling/therapy to understand my addictive behavior, patterns, etc...I had to understand the "why" of my obsession with pills....so I could deal with unresolved issues/feelings and learn how to deal with those issues in the future...WITHOUT my pills. The methadone does give you a sense of well-being, or what most people are fortunate to call..normal.
I knew from the beginning of my treatment this was going to be long term. There are several reasons for it, but I'm already rambling here...so I'll save that for another time (oh yippee) Anyway....I am so happy for you!!!!! You are facing a very positive change in your life, just stay true to the program/treatment and you will be on your way to a life worth living again, you'll even enjoy it!! Really! Try to understand also that it may take some time to reach that "stabilizing" dose, but you should be fairly comfortable while getting there. (Hang in there, it is worth it) So my friend, have a good day and I look forward to hearing from you about how you're feeling. Please remain as candid as you have been, and feel free to ask anything you want. Until next time................. Fondly ~ Jen
No, I didn't misinterpret what you were saying about the legal high. I am buzzed right now, and although yes, some of it is from relief, much of it is from the meth............and I'm glad. I just wanted to clarify for you why I was, in a sense, hoping for at least some positive physical or emotional feelings from it. I need that right now to start off with. Honestly, I think that if I didn't have any good feeling at all right now, I would go back to the pills within days, but this way I can slowly taper to nothing and normalcy. I like that. I'm glad you thought to look in on me. I'm sure there are things that I will want to ask you, but they can wait for now. Thanks again. I'll be writing again soon, then all of you will have the chance to know me better, maybe better than you would like to! LOL Honestly, though, although our lives and our past and our pain and our fears and our drug of choice may be different..........we are all very much the same. Thats one reason I want to write this upcoming post........so I can get a little bit of a better glimpse at myself.........but maybe so some of you can see in me something of yourself that you have not recognized before. Anyhow, thanks again sweetheart........stay strong and continue being such a positive influence on those of us who are searching. Talk soon.
Glad to see your trip to the clinic went well...I remember your other post where you said you didn't get the greatest impression of the folks there, but it sounds a whole lot better now.
So it sounds like your first dose went well, also! Isn't it an odd feeling? I recall that I felt that buzz pretty strong the first week or two, and then it started to go away pretty fast...now 12 weeks later, I don't feel a thing except for some pain relief if I dose when I have a flare up of the myofascial pain and/or a headache, but no high or buzz or anything remotely like it. You'll have to let us know if you find yourself thinking of your pills...I really don't think you will. The way your post reads, it sounds as if you're really happy with the clinic and the results, so this could be it...this might be the way out for you, and I'm very happy for you !
It is pretty amazing to find yourself in such a different place in a matter of hours or days as it is with the methadone (and I suppose the sub, also). A whole new way of living is out there and it's not too late for any of us. That is what I used to be so stuck on, the "it's too late for me" mindset. I realize now that it's far from being too late, and I like this new life a lot. I just have to keep working on ways of dealing with what got me here in the first place so when it's time to taper off the meth, I can handle it better because that, I admit, is something I am truly concerned about. For now though, I am just enjoying this new world and my new way of seeing it and living in it. Nice to see you made it...!
Take care, and I would be curious to know how you do as you progress and what, if any, side effects you feel from the meth...especially the sweating! It was horrible in the beginning for me! Hang in there, I just know we can all do this.
I responded to you on your other thread...I am doing really well on it, have been on it since July 13th, started at 30 mgs. and am now at 110 mgs., and being the wordy person I am , I wrote you a lot more on your other thread! Take care, Julie
Where are you!? I've been waiting for that long post of yours...LOL! Sincerely, though, I've been wondering about you and how things are going with the MMT so far. I don't know if I told you this, but in the first couple of weeks after starting the meth, when I was in the lower mgs. like 30-50 range, I tried a couple of vikes "just to see." I kind of felt them, but really all it did was make me tired. Back then I had permission in a sense from the clinic dr. to go ahead and take a pill if I thought I needed it...sort of a way to help me find out at what dose I would be stable, plus he said he didn't want to throw too much at me too soon. I was looking for a job also at that time, and he was afraid I might walk away from the program (especially since I confided in him that I'd just gotten a refill of 120 vicodin a few days before my first dose). That refill, although I didn't flush them, never got used, though, either ! My one and only real relapse occurred at the end of August, and I took some for a bad migraine I had. I was so, so mad at myself...I jeopardized my takehomes and all of it for a few pills that I thought would help me but that I didn't even feel and I look back and realize I would have made it through the migraine without having created all this drama around it by taking some hydro...geesh! Oh well, I came clean with the dr., and then later, with the whole clinic in a mtg. yesterday, and it felt so good to get it off my chest! Now it is onward and upward again, it's been a month since I messed up, and I don't think I'll be doing that again ever, I hope...
Write back when you can, DJ, we'd love to hear how things are going with you and the clinic.
Methadone is perhaps better than illegal street drugs but it results in the exact same addiction.
There are theories that heroin addicts given their heroin legally can lead normal healthy lives (and hence that methadone users can live the same quality of lives as clean and sober addicts) but I disagree because constant use of any mind altering substance cuts off spiritual growth.
Even if medically opiates are relatively benign compared to say alcohol no human body functions better on drugs than off.
For more details on how to get off please take a look at my post:
Opiate detox -- 3 methods I tried -- How to do it
Don't sell yourself short. True Recovery is possible.
Just a ~bump~ to make sure you don't miss this thread...we want to know how the clinic is going! I hope you are feeling alright, and if you're having any side effects...let us know, and we can sure talk about them, but I think you'll find that most of them go away pretty soon, especially the sweating, but unfortunately, not the sweet tooth! (well, for me anyway...)