I have been following your progress since the first time you posted and Michie wrote you back. I just had to say that I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!!
The progress you have made with your recovery is wonderful and now
you are helping newbies on the board. I just had to tell you that......
Hugs, Cat >..<
Thank you so much for your post, I hope you know how much it means to me that you would say those things. I'm surprised when someone tells me that they've followed my story as I've always thought of myself as nobody special really, and feeling like that about yourself sure seems to play a part in setting the stage and setting a person up for addiction. Funny how our self-esteem issues begin to show themselves so clearly when we begin a recovery plan.
Yes, things have surely turned around for me in the last few months, but my fear of course, is that I won't have the skills or the strength to keep up with it. I just met with my counselor today at the clinic, and he told me to not EVEN start thinking about the end of my treatment. It was a gentle reminder from him that I need to remember that it took me 25 years to get to this point of asking for help, and I am not going to cure myself in a short time nor am I going to be able to just quit the methadone maintenance treatment overnight either. When I am ready, and only then, will I tell them I want to try to get off and start to go down on the meth. I like that approach because it makes me feel like I have control of the situation in a way, you know? Kind of like "we will help you get through the physical & chemical aspect of what taking all those pills did to you, and while you are on MMT, you need to use that time to talk to counselors, go to group mtgs., find your support and do your research, and relearn your way of thinking about things." We talked a long time today, and I finally understand the way my brain was re-wired from my using pain pills for over 20 years so that now my mind has been trained to think that it needs to have those chemicals in me. I have to not be impatient, and I have to trust that they have the experience to deal with this and kind of put myself in their hands, so to speak. Without even a thought, in the past I put myself in the hands of some very dangerous people, so I need to learn to trust and allow myself to believe that this can work--and no matter what happens, anything will be better than the life I was living ("enduring" or "surviving" are probably more accurate terms to describe what I was doing as I certainly wasn't "living" by any means.)
The methadone can only do so much, though, and then the rest is up to me, and that is where I find a lot of comfort and support in this board. I often wonder where I would be if I hadn't finally stopped lurking and broke down and made that first post in what feels like so long ago, but in reality it was a very short time ago. I'm convinced that the understanding and encouragement I rec'd here when I was feeling suicidal and so awful about myself was the catalyst for me to rethink my ways and start thinking that maybe it wasn't my lot in life after all to be an addict, and I still have time to make choices. If a forum like this can do that for a person, than I am just so happy to have found it.
I learned from this place that there is definately strength in numbers and comfort in knowing there are others out there in this world who are going through the same thing and with whom I can share these similar thoughts, feelings and experiences. I've read your posts on here ever since I joined and I must say, you are one heck of a strong, caring woman....just the fact that you would make a thread to tell me that you've followed my progress made me feel so special, I don't know how to quite tell you how much your act of kindness means...but it means a lot! I hope you will give us an update on how you are, and if you have already, please point me in the direction of the thread where I can find it, ok? Sometimes if things get moved further than page 3, I might miss it.
So thank you again for writing to me, HQ. I missed seeing this last night, so what a nice birthday surprise it was to log on today and see it ! Today I turned 47, and it's the first b'day since I was a teenager (except for the b'day I had during one of my two pregnancies) that I haven't given myself a handful of pills as my present (or going back further to my teens & 20's, some pot or coke or acid or some "whatever," too.) Although I look back on all those past, lost years with regret and an icky what-was-I-doing feeling, at least for now I have hope that there is a new life ahead for me and so far I like what I am seeing very much...
p.s. I miss Michelle, and I don't know about you, but it feels like the last couple of posts she made didn't sound like the "old" Michelle, do you know what I mean? I know you two go way back, and I've wondered if you feel the same. To me, and to Lisaaa, too, we've sensed that there is just a different tone to her words, and I understand depression and the health concerns and that life just keeps us busy, still...it would be a lie to say I don't miss her perkiness and her uplifting words to read on the boards. And if she posts, they don't have to be perky or upbeat words all the time either, I just wish she would let us help her with whatever is on her mind, which is what I told her--and what I'm telling you now--in that other thread. If I recall on that "Michelle, throw us a bone..." thread, I think it wasn't until you posted to her that she finally posted to let us know that she was ok. Maybe you could do some of your HQ magic again and draw her out ? I understand, too, that sometimes a person just needs to be alone or needs to be away from the boards for awhile--I've done that myself. (Michelle, if you see this post, please know that I am just worried and wondering about you and if you're really alright...)
Last edited by DallasAlice; 09-25-2004 at 11:58 AM.
I am so sorry for not being around as much as I should be! I promise- it seems like I never have a "spare minute!" Another problem is our computer is upstairs and our second air conditioner (the one that cools the upstairs and the kids side of the house) if broken and in this STILL HOT southern weather...I have to get on the computer first thing in the morning or late at night! Well, the morning is out of the question with school back in session! And at night, I generally just respond to my emails and have been doing a little bit of bidding of Ebay- so- check on that occassionally...and that is IF I make it to the computer at all!
I do so appreciate your asking about me! And, yes, I have been a bit down lately. One of the medicines (I am on three) that my addictionologist has me on is not being covered by insurance and it costs $406 a month and this past month I did not have it filled because I HATE paying so much and I think I am a little "blah" being off of this! I see him (Dr.) Monday- so- we will get to talk about everything! Am still not "high on life" yet and I get a little discouraged about that sometimes! I guess I feel like I am going to be "blah" forever- ya know? Anyway- today has been better for me! My son scored in his soccer game...hubby grilled me a filet for lunch ...SEC football is back (although my team is sucking lemons so far )...but...a good day!!! I'll go to church tomorrow and that always seems to lift my spirits, too!
I will try to check on ya'll a little more frequently! I still think of so many of you so often- Dallas, Hydroqueen, Lisa, Heather, Sara, WICHRIS....I can't even list everybody!!! LOL!!
If you need "my attention" specifically- that catchy thread you started, HQ, caught my eye! (That is how fast I scan through the boards sometimes!) Well, let me go respond to Lisa!
Thanks again for your concerns!! I hope each of you are doing good with your battles. Dallas, you sound great!! So proud of you!! HQ, where are you with your own battle? Fill me in!!
I'm soooooo glad to see you back to true "Michelle-posting form" ! I don't know what it was exactly, but when you checked in (and I was happy that you did, so please don't think that I felt that wasn't enough because it was enough just to know that you were still out there), but there was a tone about your posts that just weren't like your words of the past. Certainly you have had a lot of things happen to you, and it should be expected that as we change and as things--both good and bad--occur in our lives, that our posts and their tones will change also. It just seemed that there was something lurking under the surface of yours and it was as if you wanted to talk about what was going on in your life, but given the way you often feel that you should post when you feel well and are better able to offer advice, perhaps you were holding back (I've always felt that regardless of your mood, your posts and your advice is always heartfelt and genuine). Anyway, I am very happy to hear from you again and I welcome your emoticons and exclamation points so very much...you give a person much comfort, Michelle, and you always have.
I'm curious about your prescription regimen?! Over $400 for one script!!! OMG, how do people do it?! I don't blame you for balking at that and foregoing picking it up! Drug companies sure do have us in their pockets, don't they? If it's not covered by insurance, then I'm thinking it might be kind of new? And if that's the case, then there's most likely not a generic version. I was complaining because the benzo I'm trying to get off costs $120/mth. for 90 pills! But I am down to a third of what I was taking so I hope to be off it completely very soon. For you, though, if yours is something you need or if it does make you feel better, then maybe you could set principles aside and get it if it's affordable for you? It's hard for me to say because I don't know what it is or what it's for, and only you know if it is actually beneficial or not.
I do understand about the blahs...very much so. I posted about my b'day and with each small thing I celebrated, there was a real push from my heart to my mind (or is it the other way around???) to do it. In reflection, it turned out to be the most low-key, but yet the most rewarding and important b'day I've ever had. It's not about cards and presents and buttons and bows--all the gifts we could possibly want are really right here in front of us, you know? Yet, there are surely times when it's hard to acknowledge them no matter how aware we are of them.
I remember I used to try to put things in my life in perspective by thinking things like "well, at least I don't live in some war-torn country in poverty and filth..." but I finally let myself feel bad about whatever it was, and after giving myself permission, in a sense, to go ahead and feel sad, or down, or lonely or whatever the emotion was that was deemed negative, only then could I work on it and create a better feeling for myself. We can't discount the way we feel just because we don't have it as bad as some others do, you know? Our feelings and our disappointments and our depression is as real and as valid as anyone else's, and just because we have a house or money in the bank or all the good things life has to offer as we live out "the American Dream," doesn't mean we don't have the right to feel that way. Sure we are fortunate for the things we have, but we are also only human, and with that comes human emotions--good and bad, and those who are "up" all the time I often wonder if they are the ones who have something very sad going on behind the scenes...make any sense? Sorry for the rambling! It's just been a very introspective weekend for me I guess...
About the hysterectomy...I am glad that you are able to avoid it. I had cervical cancer when I was 29, and I had a cervical conization done. It was a very painless surgery as far as post-op pain, but I was still getting 2 percodans every 4 hours. See, the drugs are what I remember the most about it all!!! I had clean borders on the cone-shaped portion they removed from of my cervix, so I only had to have paps every 3 mths. after that for a year, and then every 6 mths. and then to once a year. Then four years ago, I had some areas biopsied during a routine pap, and I thought, "well, here it is, it's back..." but the tumors were benign yet I opted for a hysterectomy anyway. I was 43, had had my kids, and I knew I wouldn't mind not having to deal with things every month...at that point, I was only having about 2 good weeks a month, so I was happy to be done with it.
I did kind of grieve the loss of something, though, something feminine and something that defined me as a woman I think, but that only lasted a short time as I learned there was a great deal more to my being a woman than my "parts." As I enter menopause though, I have a whole new set of issues to deal with and I intend to talk to a dr. soon about the hot flashes and night sweats that are creeping up on me. (I did keep one ovary...for what, I'm not sure...good luck, maybe?!?) I just had my first-ever mammogram a couple of weeks ago, and all was well! It's funny that once some of us deal with our addiction, then we kind of start to focus on our other health issues that we put aside so long ago. Like Lisa and her new smile , me and my routine exams that I've put on the back burner for so long (next it's a trip to the eye dr.!), and some others on here who are addressing health concerns and routine exams now that we are done spending so much time with the pill chsing. Amazing how much time all that took up! I spent countless hours and days figuring, planning, counting, using, well...you know the drill! Imagine if I'd put all that energy into something else!
Well, life calls...time to shower, go to the store, pick up my kids, make dinner, iron some clothes for tomorrow, wash some pantyhose in Woolite, feed the cat, clean the litterbox, load the dishwasher, and, well...you know all that, too! Except I don't have little ones to take care of, although I recall that those younger years were very time consuming in a different sort of way. Dinner could easily stretch out into a 2-hr. ordeal ! But you gotta love 'em at that age, don't you!?
Thanks for what you said about how things sound as far as my world is concerned...Michelle, I am amazed at how things have turned around, and I so hope I don't mess it up with my old habits and thinking patterns. You've come a long way yourself...so different than the lady whose posts I read a year ago were filled with indecision and frustration with yourself. I truly believe that there will be a day when neither of us are on anything, and taking an Advil for a headache WILL work...LOL!
Last edited by Administrator; 09-27-2004 at 02:04 AM.
How true some of your "how we try to okay ourselves to be "down" or "depressed-" I often find myself telling myself when I am down that I should be ashamed of myself (alot of "myself's" here! ) for not being JUMPING WITH JOY over life. I begin to list the many reasons- a great God, a healthy, loving, providing husband, healthy children, a great immediate family nearby, home, cars, food, etc..............but then I am even more down for feeling so down when I shouldn't be feeling down at all- did ya get that? I thought you would!
And the three scripts my addictionologist has me on is 1. Lexapro (just 5mgs), 2. Wellbutrin (low on that one, too), and the big ole $400 is 3. Provigil (a drug used for daytime sleepiness but it is not "the Ritalin/addictive/stimulant" type drug. Yeah, after forking over almost $800 a month in health insurance and then they "decide" this drug is not necessary for me so they aren't going to pay- last time I checked- insurance companies were not doctors- I "rebelled!" But I do think that is why I was a little more down than usual or maybe just a little more lethargic???
Anyway- I know you can sense I am speeding through this- my husband is calling me from downstairs so let me go see what he is doing- probably looking for something and thinks I put it some where and he'll find it two or three days later!
I will try to get back in a day or so and finish this response up or better yet- respond to another one of your responses! I just full of tongue twisters tonight, huh?