I hope all has been going good for all of you.Rest assured, not a day goes by
that I do not think of everyone daily.It appears, it will be a monumental task
for me to "catch up " with what has been happening for everyone & all the
people that have come aboard.Not that my absence has been noticeable,but
somehow I felt compelled to at least "check in " and wish everyone well on
their journey to recovery,peace and serenity. I am sorry to say, many demons
as of late have yet reached me again..simply put but true ,there is no success
story for me to write as of late for I relapsed hard and fast..However, with
each day brings a new dawn, perhaps again yet another chance at life..Take
Care All..Perhaps, my plan was destined to fail all along....
I noticed your absence-and im glad you checked in..
Please don't be too hard on yourself for relapsing-its part of the recovery process-thats the beauty-try/try/till you succeed.
Of course-this is not to undermine it-but you have alot to process-relationship problems/job/life..
Ill never judge..ive had so many ups and downs-its only been a year for me-and im on suboxone..how recovered am i?
Im not using-im following my treatment plan-im in therapy-im get depressed.
There ya go-everyone is in there own lil world-doing the best they can/
You made alot of progress-you stuck to your plan-and didn't you have surgery??im sorry if i got that wrong-many have-i thought you might have.
Hang in there-and when you are ready to try again-i'll be here for you..
My heart goes out to you, and I will keep you in my prayers. You are a better person than I...I've fallen way off the deep end myself, but I don't have the nerve to even post about it (that is, starting my own post). I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and feel like a complete loser. Sometimes I wish I would just OD, just to learn a lesson (but I guess I wouldn't learn much of a lesson if I was "gone" completely, huh?! I would only be hurting my family). I didn't mean to go off on me and all of my "problems", but I can totally and completely sympathize with you. I truly hope you continue to post often...since I am too chicken and scared of "something" to open up, it helps me and many others to read posts from those that do share their ups, downs, success stories, failed attempts, etc. I'm actually battling a very serious medical issue right now, so I'm actually prescribed my medication...but I'm going way above and beyond the recommended dosage just to get that "high". To be honest, that high is the only thing that keeps me from sinking into a deep, dark depression. I don't know your entire situation, or if you have kids, etc...but something really profound hit me yesterday...it was actually something Dr. Phil told someone on his show. THis particular person is struggling with a major eating disorder, and is morbidly obese (or was anyway). Dr. Phil said to him, "you would die for your children, but you won't live for them"...my gosh, that made me break down into tears instantly...that is totally me.
Anyway, I'm so sorry I went off on my own problems (once again), I just felt "safer" posting within someone else's post. Just know that despite my little "pity party", I truly DO care about you (even if I don't know you personally), and I look forward to hearing more from you. Please take care of yourself the best you can for now, and let us all know what you plan to do from here. If you ever need a friend to "talk" to, I'm here...just let me know. I think I can probably safely say that I know what you are feeling right now.
Was really so glad to hear from you. Even if this is a tough time for you. You know, I was always amazed at how straight "up" you shot on your plan of recovery. In every area, you seemed to accomplish your goals....quickly and steadily. So...please, please be assured that not only will you head upwards again--but it is SO normal to watch that graph go "down" as well as "up". And...it is just because we are such complex beings.....that our life charts go both directions. We move back and forth from strength to weakness--and back again to that strength within us. And...your relapse may feel twice as difficult, since, one by one, you were overcoming all these addictions so steadily and "on schedule". It is always a shock to have a setback.
But....there's something about your personal strength that makes me so certain you're going to come out of this period. And, as Goddess says, you cannot be so hard on yourself. Whether this interruption in your recovery is hiccoughs--or whooping cough -- you will recouperate!
Because you did not go into details, I do not know whether you've lapsed in all directions....or just one. Or, if something specific set you back...or there's just been too much pressure. So...if you have the time....and feel you are able to....I hope you'll share some of that information, just so that I can understand your situation more clearly.
You were tackling so many major crises simultaneously, that it would have been a miracle NOT to have a setback. This is so human! :-) And, just because our addictions are resolved does not mean that our problems are. As Goddess says...you can do everything "right"....but still relapse...or feel depressed (as I know she does). We can overcome an addiction...but still be vulnerable. No matter how strong the spirit...we are sometimes just stopped, when faced with our own crises.
Your recovery plan was a major one, and you set yourself admirable--but really tough-- goals. You were on a schedule to fight back each addiction at almost the same time. You put a lot of pressure on yourself..yet....you followed-through beautifully. But, do you think it was too much, too quickly?
If you are just too overwhelmed, you may want to re-tackle them one by one...the first being what feels most critical to you. Having the medical knowledge you do, puts you far ahead of most of us in terms of assessing what can wait...and what can't.
Also....you know, your dating, even though fun, can add somewhat to the stress! My close friend from work is doing computer dating....and at least once a week, she parks herself on the chair by my desk, checking to see if "the psychiatrist is 'in'". LOL! (I know I've mentioned here, before, the little sign I jokingly taped onto that chair...it says "Emotional Baggage: Limit--Two Per Person." Anyway, no matter how much fun, dating is still putting yourself 'on the line' for close analysis by another person! (My sister, Alice, who was an actress, always compared a first blind date to a tough 'audition'!!)
And...you've just been through major surgery, as Goddess mentioned. So, battling sheer physical pain has got to be a BIG demon in your life! With this foot wound of mine (AKA 'the crater"! LOL!), refusing to heal--even after surgery--I'm now on my 9th week, stuck in my apt., unable to do more than hobble from room to room. (And I'm supposed to be off my foot ALL the time...leg raised up over the heart, etc, etc, etc.)! You lose a LOT of any will-power you may have had to start, when you're obsessively imagining what is--and isn't--ahead! And, your OWN surgery, Chris, was much more serious than mine. So....your pain--and your worries--may be using up a lot of your energy...and mayby some of your determination. Pain is a powerful motivator...it motivates you to get RID of it!!
Please, please...whatever you do...don't stop or cut down on your antidepressants. That was my first fear for you. When things crash down on us--and life feels so negative--it can be such an instinctive reaction to think "oh, what's the point...I've started doing "X" again...so THIS stuff obviously isn't helping!" It's almost as if we say "I'm just too depressed to take my antidepresants!!!" As if our ADs are just another bad drug.
So...please everytime you walk past your AD bottles...I want you to be very afraid that I may be hovering right over you.....going: And coming after you with a feeding shovel...just to make sure you get 'em down!! LOLOL!!
Okay, Chris....I'll be anxiously awaiting your next post...even if you decide you would rather not go into more detailed explanation. You have been doing so well---and you WILL again! Ya know....a relapse is almost "de rigeur" in this cycle of recovery!!! Try not to feel too negative ('tho I know you will, for awhile) as you move past this. And please don't feel you can't write to us because of crazy stuff like..."embarrassment"...or that you "let us down." Uh, uh, uh, uh! Because, that's what friends are all about---we share the worst of times--not just with the best!!
your pal, Lynn xxxx
PS...And just what did you mean by that statement that we wouldn't notice if you disappeared?!?!? We'd have the Navy Seals searching for you!!
I had no idea how tough things have been for you since your last post.....I just assumed that you'd probably had enough of the Board. But--I DID think a lot about your illness....and kept wondering if you'd mind if I asked. (It's probably better to ask and just take a chance, isn't it!? I know that, in a similar situation, I would prefer hearing from others...but I just wasn't certain, because I don't know you that well. )
If ever anybody was taking pills for the "right" reason, it sounds as if you are. It's so understandable that you would get over the level...and quickly. You're battling both physical and emotional pain. And I can't even suggest something like Suboxone (which I plan to get on)--because of all the real pain you are having. Does your doctor know the situation? Or are you worried that they'll prescribe less of the painkillers? What's next in the treatment of your illness? Where is the cancer? How are you handling things around the house with your children? (don't you have five little ones?) (See...I started asking one question...and now I can't stop!!!) :-)
I understand so well your fear of depression. I'll do anything to stop it (including taking these horrible pills....which I now realize have made it much worse...hence, the plan to get on the Sub.) No matter how "intellectually" we understand what we doing to ourselves....that doesn't mean we stop it. It's easy to tell myself I've been an addict...but much harder to SDTOP being an addict!!
That's where I'm hoping the Suboxone comes in...Many posters, here, have said that on Sub, they do not get the depression that comes with normal tapering. I wish you were able to think about Sub...but I honestly don't know how people handle bad pain, if they're on it. (You might want to check recent threads on Sub.)
Please DO start a thread for yourself. And retell your story. You will get so many people like myself, who just assumed you'd said "enough of this Board"! You know that you certainly have friends here...and maybe we can call out some of the oldies like Michelle and Banker!! :-) (Are either of you two READING this?? LOL!!)
I feel terrible that you "slipped thru the cracks"....and I wonder how many others have, too. (Do you know Goddessgrl, Dallas Alice, Sammi???) I know you won't know the more recent posters. It is so tough keeping track of everyone....but I never "forgot" about you. xxx Hope to hear from you soon...with more of your situation. Why don't you start from the beginning, since there are so many new people here. Perhaps you could take part of your original post to the Board, with your story...and incorporate it into the new thread.
Hi Chris and Christian Mom and TwinLynne (see my reason for editing!),
You know, sometimes I think as addicts we are way too hard on ourselves when we relapse or do something else deemed "bad." It's as if we have to try harder, be better, work more, do more, and give more than the "average, normal" person simply because we have an addiction problem. We have put ourselves in a goldfish bowl with all eyes upon us, and we continue to look at ourselves and the way we live our lives under a microscope--dissecting and observing each and every tiny part of us in minute detail. It's impossible to live up to the standards we (or we think others) have set for ourselves, we all have various forms of family that we feel we have to take care of, we all work in some way whether it's rewarded with a paycheck or not, we interact with people and form and maintain friendships and relationships, and then somewhere in all that we also try to work on our addictions and our recovery. I really don't know how we do it all as we as people and as women perform our circus acts every day of our lives. We run along the tightrope daily balancing work, children, house and home, partners, lovers, husbands--whatever, on our heads. Then as addicts, we have added drugs and our unwanted attraction to them to the stack of things we are trying to balance.
Look at us! With that scenario in place, surely something is going to tumble off and upset this delicate balancing act we've so carefully tried to create, and then what do we do if we mess up? We beat ourselves up over it, or we listen to others "beat us up" over it! I'm sure I'm not the only one, and maybe many of you have experienced those people whom I've deemed as toxic. These are the people who, when we confide in them about our situations, can only offer us an "I told you so," or a "Well, what did you expect?" or even the extreme of "Can't you do anything right?!" or a "What have you been doing all day?!" as they survey the house we haven't made spotless, the dinner we aren't eating until 8:00 (or heaven forbid, even later!), the yard that needs mowing or watering or weeding, the laundy that's still in the hamper, the work we haven't yet gotten to, the report that contains a typo, the children's homework we haven't had time to check yet, and on and on and on. I have gotten rid of those toxic people, and it changed my life entirely, but it wasn't easy, and I am not suggesting it, it's just something I had to do once I realized that the problem wasn't always in me, and I was so tired of saying "I'm sorry" 100 times a day. I started with my husband of 18 yrs. who couldn't spell the words empathy or compassion much less act on them, and I followed that by eliminating a few so-called friends who were always there with a pill or a joint or a hit or whatever I needed as they watched me spiral out of control yet never offered my a life jacket, then I left the boss who barked and complained and found fault with literally everything. When at the age of 40 I found myself being told I use too much toilet paper and that I couldn't have the heat above 65 degrees because that was going to break the bank (yes, my ex actually complained about the T.P.!), I finally had to say to these people and more importantly, to myself, that by the time I reached the state of adulthood, I deserved respect and tolerance because I am a human being, and I was trying to be a good one, too.
I learned recently that addicts primarily do things for one reason--love. Either we are trying to express it or we are reaching out for it, and so often there is either nobody there, and we are alone with all this love to offer, or to find. Too often, all there is are "toxic" person there who will gladly take our love and take advantage of it, and we don't recognize them while we are in our self-loathing phase of addiction and recovery. I only mention that because that feeling of worthlessness which seems to accompany a relapse (and which you both eloquently expressed in your posts...they read with self-contempt literally oozing from your words) is so often the beginning of more toxic relationships with people or jobs that aren't right for us individually. I sure felt that at the end of August when I relapsed for the first time since I started my MMT, and I was sure I had let everyone down--myself, my clinic counselor and doctor, the board members, and everyone else who has been so supportive of me. When I came clean, though, I found that wasn't the case. I was given some props actually from the clinic people and the group I went to, and I was not left behind by you all, my sister or my friends who know about my situation, and I then decided to go a little bit easier on myself. I realized that underneath my relapse and my disclosure of it was a reaching out for love...and it came back to me. Thankfully...
So somewhere in all my rambling and venting is a point...LOL! I guess it's just to ask you to please not be so hard on yourselves, there is no standard you have to live up to except what you set for yourself. I know you feel you let yourself down, but if you could just change your perspective a little bit and still love yourself for what you've been through and for what you are trying so hard to do in quitting the drugs, you might see that you are still doing better now than before in the whole big picture. Once there was a time when we didn't tell anyone we were addicts and we were lieing and doing all the other things that addicts do, but I sense that now we have an awareness of those behaviors and have stopped doing some of those things. We are still only human, and I wish we could put that microscope away and know that it's okay to slip, fall, tumble, and fall out of our grace because we can always stand up and try again if we want to, you know? We just have to believe that we can do something about it, and that we can choose when, or if, we will do something and what that something will be. When you look at it that way, we really are quite powerful...and even lovable.
Love you guys,
p.s. Lynn! You are planning on going on sub?! Wow, that is so great! Please point me in the direction of where you told us about this if you have written a particular post about it, okay? I've been away this week because my kids are here using the computer for homework every night, so I just had a quick minute to pop in today and get at least one monologue in...LOL! I am very excited for you, and should I say for Alice, too?! Let me know what's up..!
Last edited by DallasAlice; 10-02-2004 at 12:42 PM.
Reason: to say hi to twinlynne, who was typing the same time I was!
Chris...first of all, I want to apologize for posting about myself within your post. Just know that I'm sincere when I say that I DO care so very much about you & what you are going through. I promise this will be my last post within your post (I'll start my own when I get the nerve to do so! ).
Dallas and Lynn,
Thank you so much for your kind words and compassion. No, I've never felt that I was tired of this board, or that I was "too good" to post here anymore (and I know that's not what you meant, but I also don't want anyone to think that is why I haven't been posting). In fact, the exact opposite is quite true in my case. I've sat here at my computer MANY, MANY nights reading each and every post.... taking in all the information, all the great insight, support, strength, hard times, good times, etc. and that alone has helped me feel better. If anything, I've felt too ashamed and embarrassed to post anything. I don't think I can offer any advice right now, simply because I can't seem to get myself back on track. I can offer my love and support...but once again, I've just felt too ashamed to even post. I can't tell you how many times I've started a post...writing an extemely lengthy reply or whatever, only to deleted it at the last minute. I've also sat here on several occasions wanting so badly to completely "spill my guts" about everything, but just couldn't find the strength (or the nerve) to do it. I'm not sure why that is, as I know that everyone on this board is so extremely caring, compassionate, and wonderful..and I also know that you all are very non-judgemental (one of my greatest fears..being judged, or looked down upon). I know these fears are unfounded, by I can't help but feel the way I do. I guess it all stems from so many bad experiences of trying to confide in people I thought I could trust...only to get burned. I've really put up a big "front" lately, and I do my very best to hide and conceal all of my concerns, frustration, pleas for help, etc. I did do one positive thing though...I started a counseling session at my church. I meet with her every Monday, and it's completely free (I probably wouldn't go if I had to pay...not because I can't pay, but because I always feel like the money would be better spent on the kids, bills, etc...but realistically, I know that this is one of the most important things I can do for myself, my family, my kids, etc). The sessions have been good for me, but also disturbing at the same time. She has brought out some issues from my past that I have supressed, forgotten about, or just plain ignored (actually, there is one "issue" in particular that I still don't remember, but when she asked me if I thought it happened, I started to cry uncontrollably...I just know it did). In fact, I will write more about that once I find the courage to write my own post..and I promise to do that, I just can't promise when. The funny thing is, I came back to the board just a short time after posting to Chris, with the intention of deleting my reply to her all together (I was going to leave my support for Chris in the post, but take out everything that had to do with me)....BUT, I read the message from the both of you, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude...so I left my message alone. Like I said before, I'm just so scared of sharing "too much". I know in my heart that it will only help me to do so...so I will make an effort and find the strength (and let go of my worries and fears temporarily). I do have lots to say (obviously! lol!), so I will address my health issues, my family issues, the issues from my past that the counselor and I have been discussing, my current addiction problems, etc. then. In the meantime, thank you both for addressing me, although this is Chris's post. It really did make me feel good. I will admit, I truly NEED you all right now...actually, I need you all ALL of the time. Even though you all don't really "know" me because of my lack of participation here, I feel as if I know all of you from reading your (and that pertains to everyone on the board!) posts each and every night.