I read your post on WICHRIS thread and don't know if you ever started you own (to be honest- don't have time to scan through and look- so vwa la!)? Just wanted to let you know I have been in your shoes umpteen times! The guilt and disgust you feel is sometimes overwhelming but the fear of the blahs and depression and lethargy (with children- ugh!) is far greater than our conscience- ya know? Plus, our brains think they are dying- literally- hence physical withdrawals! BUT (you knew that was coming ) you can get through this one day at a time! I know I can say this to you without offending you- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...." and you can! We as addicts tend to "take on" our own issues- atleast I did and when I saw I couldn't do it alone...I turned to the Lortabs instead of Christ....and it is never going to work...in the long run! I am sure as mom yourself- you want "instant help-" and waiting on God to answer our cry for help or to guide us isn't quick enough- you need immediate assistance- huh? I guess I am speaking for myself but I seem to believe we are alot alike- I remember talking with you!
Let me know how I can help you- I would love to! Don't feel ashamed- you'd be falling right into "you know who's" plans to keep you from getting help. He wants you to feel that way- ashamed and not worthy and yucky- don't let him get the best of you- God is far more powerful than he is! Again- I'll be watching for your post and will do anything I can or answer any questions you may have or tell you how I got clean...WHATEVER!
I just can't express how truly grateful I am that you acknowledged my post. I truly NEED you guys right now, but I'm still in that "don't want to talk about it" mode. I have been dealing with some MAJOR health issues, the main reason I started back on the pain meds. Of course, I knew in my heart that I couldn't take them as prescribed, so now I'm right back to where I was. You are so right in the "needing to be SuperMom" all of the time, and right now..I feel like I am that person...until late at night and the kids are all tucked safely in bed...then I start hating myself for allowing this to happen again. I promise to write back to you...and/or start a post giving all the "gory" details, but for now I'm off to bed. I've had 5 pukey kids now for the past 4 days, and I am beat. I've put my own health on the backburner so I can take care of them, but I have tons of issues health-wise that I am dealing with, and that have to be taken care of soon (just a small idea...I have hundreds of pre-cancerous polyps in my intestines and colon due to an autoimmune disorder that I suffer from....this flare-up is also causing severe joint inflammation and pain, and I can barely walk unless I'm totally "doped up" on pain meds"). We are looking at surgery in the near future, but at this point, I just don't care about that nearly as much as I care about the fact that I'm popping pills like candy right now. Not just for the physical pain, but for the emotional pain as well. Once again, I can't thank you enough for showing that you care and writing to me...I've ALWAYS admired you and so many others here...and I hope and pray that I can open up and share with all of you...I know that doing so will enable me to become closer to all of you.
Until I find the courage to write more.....take care of yourself, and please give an update on YOU! I'm always wondering about you.
Reading your post jut now, I am very worried that you are not dealing with your OWN physical illnesses. :-( That just HAS to be the first thing you do.....so you can be healthy to do anything else--like--love and take care of that great bunch of kids you have!!!) :-) And, the pain pills, though helping emotionally for now, can be masking a lot of your physical symptoms....a lot of the discomfort that is trying to tell your body that it needs medical attention asap!
I may not have the correct information here....but are your geting help for, ie., the autoimmune disease...or the resulting inflamation that's flaring up, right now? That sounds pretty important! Can your husband look after the kids, so that you can get yourself taken care of, before there are any further complications?
I hope I don't sound awfully nosy here....but I know how easy it is to postpone our own needs! And it's upsetting--and unsettling--to think that important medical matters are just "pending"-- because of your busy life. I, also, know how pain pills can lessen the anxiety--and urgency--of what needs to be done!! When it comes to your health...you just HAVE to come first. (Before you can even care for those who love and depend on you.) There's no such thing as "putting your health on the back burner"---those flames just leap, whenever they please, right up to the FRONT! So...please do follow-up with at least the most major of your health concerns...like the pre-cancerous polyps!!! (Do your doctors have a complete plan--some sort of interrelated schedule, for treating all your illnesses?)
Somestimes--because you love your kids so much--you can ignore the needs of your own body. But, in this situation, it sounds as if your major health issues...HAVE to come first. :-) Please forgive me if I sound like a "nag"!!! (I AM a nag! LOL!) But I'm certain that Michelle will nag you, too! Get yourself to your doctor and at least start a checklist of what needs to be done. (Dallas Alice wrote a good post the other day, noting that women manage to juggle everyone else's needs--and then slip in any few remaining seconds...to take care of their own!!)
I am saying all this with much love and concern for you!! Our health is perhaps the one thing in our lives that we HAVE to put first--before we can give to others!! :-)
Looking forward to your next message, love, Lynn xxx :-)
Oh, Christianmom!, I am so hoping you will continue reading this Board and keep communicating with your friends. There is no way you can tackle everything at once....but how about giving yourself (and your family...because THEY need you more than anything else on Earth!) the gift of maybe ONE positive step for yourself each week. Like...THIS WEEK....seeing to your health concerns. Check out the polyps. (I know the pain pill thing is desperate....but that's been around awhile and will 'wait in the wings' - (unfortunately!) - until you take care of those coupla other medical issues.) Maybe, do at least one thing, this week - like a dr's appt. I just think that initiating something positive for yourself, will make you feel good about yourself and stimulate you to proceed on a positive path. It's that 'first step' that is soooooo hard. Any of us who takes pills KNOWS how hard the "simplest" thing is to initiate! ("Should I get out of bed this morning??? ) ) But OH the wonderful feeling once we take that step and realize we've done it!!!
Please let us know what you are thinking....what steps you feel at all capable of taking...and maybe we can help you to take them....to 'dial that number'...to figure out the words to communicate with your doctor....whatever. We've all either "been there" -- or, for many of us, we still "ARE there!" - going thru a similar scenario. We "get it!" Please keep in touch with us when you can... I pray that your faith will be a great help thru this struggle...and, here, back in the wings, we 'earth-bound' beings are standing by...'awaitin' any help we can offer.
Ok guys, I'm warning you now that this will probably consist of a bunch of nonsense and rambling. I've been literally playing over in my head for days what I want, or need to write here, but I still just don't even know where to begin. There are just so many "issues". Yes, I've put my very serious health concerns on the backburner, mainly because I'm just tired of dealing with them (I've had this chronic condition for 12 years now....but I've been in remission for 10 years...now I'm struggling with a major flare-up again). The first episode was awful...I had to take chemo, steroids, daily injections, tons of other medications, etc. Being the age I was at the time (17-19), it was such a struggle for me. I really had no support, and I just didn't care if I lived or not back then. Fast forward to the present, and I have SO much to live for...5 BEAUTIFUL children that mean the entire world to me (due to my illness, and all the medications I took in the past...I was told I would NEVER have ANY kids, let alone 5!!). I know in my heart & soul that I MUST take care of myself in order to take care of them, but for some reason I just ignore that fact. I still feel as if God has blessed me TREMENDOUSLY, but I'm the one that is making the choice to mess things up right now. I know He is still right here for me/with me at all times, but it's ME that seems to distance myself from Him...I don't know if it's from shame, embarrassment, feeling unworthy, etc. Probably a combination of all of the above. I've never felt worthy of anyone's unconditional love...probably because I've never known such a thing (other than from my sweet, innocent children). I was just re-baptized about a month and a half ago, and that is when things seemed to have started to go downhill.....FAST. I just read something in a Bible reference book that I have that was so profound and basically hit the nail on the head~ so to speak. It reads, "Discouragement often comes after a great spiritual experience". That is exactly how I feel right now...discouraged. I guess I had this misconception in my mind that once I committed myself to Jesus again (the first time I was 8 yrs. old..I was too young to understand the whole concept of what I was doing, so that is why I decided to reconfirm my faith recently), that my life would be "perfect"...that all of my struggles would just vanish, that all of my weaknesses, addictions, problems, etc. would just end. Boy, was I ever wrong. In fact, I set myself up for major failure. I don't know if it's the pills talking, or if this is how I REALLY feel...but I feel as if I've totally lost myself, that I've given myself and my wants, needs, ambitions, desires, etc. away. I used to be the most ambitious, strong-willed, independent, secure, full of self-respect and self-love...person. It took me a long time to get to that point (it was after my first marriage..I hit rock bottom then, but picked myself up and did a darn good job at it at that! Plus, I was then a single Mom to a newborn and a 2 yr. old). Even with all I went through back then, I never resorted to popping pills, drinking, etc. Now granted, I was a miserable, depressed person for many months...but like I said before, I picked myself up and made a good...no, great...life for my children and myself. Then I met my now husband. Before I continue...I have to say that I have yet to spill my guts on any type of message board without being "caught", or my posts being read...so that is why I'm so extremely scared to share all of this. But right now I just don't care. My husband IS a WONDERFUL Daddy...he takes the best care of the kids, and I do love him for that. In fact, I really DO love him in general. BUT (I know, you all saw this comin', huh?! LOL!), I feel as if I've given up ME to make him happy. He's always stressed, he's always yelling, he's always saying things to me such as, "if you would make some money, then we wouldn't have so many worries", or "if you watched the kids closer, they wouldn't make as many messes", or "if you cleaned the house better, I (meaning "he") wouldn't have anything to complain about", etc...I'm sure you get the picture. I just feel as if I can't do anything right, and I can't do enough to please him...EVER. I work, I am raising 5 children (ages 11 months to 8 yrs), I am involved in their school almost everyday (volunteering and such), taking them all to their sports practices, games, etc...besides that, half of the neighborhood kids are here almost every night as well (I guess their parents assume since we have 5 kids, we can handle a few more). My husband works mostly evenings....until almost 10 P.M. So this means I deal with dinner, bathtime, homework, cleaning up all the messes, laundry, etc., etc. I'm so tired. So freaking tired. When I complain, I hear, "well, your the Mother/woman..that's your job". Ok, so why do I work a real job on top of everything else?! Now granted, I don't make a whole lot (I primarily work from home), but I do work..and that is just added stress. I'm just damned tired, and so worn out. Ok, I've gotta continue this in a bit......he is actually off tonight, and he just walked in, so I don't want to get "caught". I will continue tomorrow with where I left off....I have tons more to say, that is...if you all can handle it! LOL! I haven't even got to the whole "pill popping" and addiction parts yet~ sheesh! This is going to be a novel.....
Thanks for sticking by me...if you got this far!!!!! Until tomorrow, have a great night all.
Your posts have really jolted me with how much stuff" has been thrown at you. It's like you've had to play "Dodgeball" so much of your life. It makes me so angry just to read of those who denigrate you efforts...like those on the parenting board. How easy it is for them to toss out those "Dr. Phil" one-liners, when they know nothing about you. That kind of "tough love" is fine, if you've lived with that person and know their thought patterns and their life situation up and down...insideout...but these people do NOT. This is supposed to be a "Support" Board. It's one thing to give advice...it's another to assail and condemn. I'm sorry you had that experience.....but please don't let that stop you from posting here, so that we can hear more of your story. (Did you delete a post yesterday? I told my sister about one...and we can't find it!)
Dallas Alice has written a great post about how women often manage to let themselves be convinced by society (and husbands who rule the kingdom!) that there is no limit...no barriers....to what is expected of them. And, within your own situation, it sounds like this may be just the kind of "mental entrapment" that you have fallen into. And it's hard to break that vision of oneself as responsible for everything. It becomes ingrained. And it arises, originally, from wanting to share the great love you have for family, friends, etc. with those who take advantage of it.
I'm no psychologist....but I do see this time as a point where you have to fight to get your own needs met. Particularly, your health. No matter how horrible the treatments...or how difficult your husband makes it...you need to focus on getting your illnes back into remission again. This is sooooo crucial for you...and for your five beautiful children. It's sad that your husband sounds as if he's more part of the problem, than the solution. Do you have a close friend who could help get you to and from appts., etc??
It sounds like there are many aspects of your life that you are up against...and that these aspects make your efforts even harder. But I do hope you will share them here on this board---so that the people who care about you, can listen and offer friendship and support.
Lynn (and everyone else that has shown so much support regarding my latest posts!),
No, I have not deleted any posts...although I've come back to the board after typing a long message with the intentions of deleting some...I have always changed my mind after reading a response- or responses- that were so supportive, I decided to just leave them be. I'm just completely overwhelmed with the love and support I've received already here...and it means more to me than you could ever imagine. Here is more to add to my "novel".....
As I said before, I think of many things throughout the day that I want to post here, or talk about, or whatever. It's kind of funny that I have this board on my mind almost all day/everyday! lol! I'm not going to sit here and play the "blame game", and pass off all of my problems on others, but I've been tempted to "rip" on a few people in my life that have really, really hurt me. I know in my heart that I'm ultimately responsible for my own happiness, and also responsible for anything that I "allow" to happen to me (as far as how others treat me, etc). But I am guilty of constant self-pity.... wondering why I deserve how others treat me, what I'm doing wrong, how I can "make" someone love me more, etc. I guess we all have a little bit of that within us at times. My first bout with any type of addiction started about 4 years ago..it was after my now husband and I had our first baby together (I already had 2 children from a previous marriage...that whole situation is a book in itself, but I'll spare you all! lol!). When our baby was about a month old, we seperated. I lived in a tiny apartment (coming from a nice, brand new home....yes, it was considered "his", so I had to leave) with 3 kids all in diapers. I worked my butt off but had a great job, but I was so stressed and completely "lost". I have issues with anxiety as it is, but because of the major depression, panic attacks, and anxiety I suffered then..I was put on anti-depressants and Xanax. It didn't take long for me to abuse the xanax. Every other weekend the kids would go to their Dads...and I would literally come home from work with a 6 pack of beer in hand...swallow about 4-5 xanax's and down them with alcohol. I would black out, wake up the next morning, and not remember ANYTHING of what went on. That didn't last long though, I was scared to death that there would come a day that I wouldn't wake up. So, after about 2-3 months of this, I voluntarily went to rehab for a week. I stopped the xanax in a three day period (and yes, those that say that withdrawaling from benzo's is the absolute worst, well...I have to agree!). I was scared and so very ashamed to have to have resorted to that, but I knew I needed help immediately. The other thing I was scared of was my husband...after the fact, he tried to have our child taken away from me, and of course he threw ALL of this in my face in front of a judge in court (my ex-husband didn't care at all...there was no way he would have wanted the responsibility of his two children). He made me feel like the biggest scum bag alive. Fortunately, since I did seek treatment and was successful, the judge sided with me. Fast forward to a few months later..my husband and I reconciled. It didn't take long before I became pregnant with our second child together (#4 for me). Everything was perfect throughout my pregnancy, and we started counceling together. I still had a hard time trusting him due to past issues though. We did really good even after the baby, although that is when I suffered with SEVERE depression again...almost to the point that I couldn't function. I also had the anxiety again. Even with my past experience with the xanax, I was prescribed klonopin. I was so extremely scared of becoming addicted, or abusing it though that I was SUPER careful taking it, and I saw a therapist once a week to ensure that I took it EXACTLY as prescribed. At that point, it wasn't a problem for me, I know longer even desired to feel "out of it", nor did I have the desire to pass out cold every night and forget everything. I took it for over a year..until I got pregnant again. I then easily weaned off it with my doctor's help. Unfortunately, I lost that pregnancy to my first ever miscarriage, and I was totally devastated. THAT was the start of my love affair with the pain pills. I had several complications after the miscarriage, so I was taking pain pills all of the time. For the first time in MANY, MANY years..I felt WONDERFUL. The depression was GONE, I was so full of energy, I was happy, I could function again!!!! My husband even like the "new" me, and actually begged me to stay on them. I was on them for about 4 months before I realized I was falling right back into a MAJOR problem. I went cold-turkey (and that was HELL!!! Of course now I've done the cold-turkey thing many times.....) and stopped taking them. I went back on anti-depressants and the klonopin, but still didn't feel very happy...and I was still very depressed. We tried for 9 more months to get pregnant again following that miscarriage...and I finally became pregnant with #5. Once again, I easily weaned of the klonopin (I no longer liked the "slowed down" feeling, I craved the "high" I got from the pain pills...so the benzos were strictly for panic attacks...I was, and am no longer, worried about taking them as I don't feel a thing from them...they just keep the panic away). This pregnancy was successful, and I had a beautiful baby girl 9 months later. For the first time ever though, I had to have a C-section (and it was an emergency one at that)...so tons of pain meds. after that. I also had lots of problems healing, the incision, etc...so I was on them for an extended period of time. I knew in my heart that problems woud arise soon if I didn't get off them though, so after 3 weeks, I stopped them...swearing that I would never touch another pain pill. Who was I kidding? I could feel the postpartum depression creeping in (especially since my husband works A LOT...he is gone 4-5 nights a week...so I'm home alone with 5 little ones....it's so easy to get burnt out and tired), so I started missing the pain pills. Well, the next thing I know...I also started having severe gastrointestinal problems, which was not good since I have Crohn's disease/colitis. After my first colonscopy, it was discovered that I was (and still am) indeed having a major flare, and I had literally hundreds of polyps in my intestines and colon...plus lots of inflammation. The disease itself also causes many other issues...severe arthritis in my joints, tons of abdominal pain and lower back pain, facial rashes, diarrhea, hair loss, etc. I was put on pain meds. by the specialist (no, I did not tell him about my past problems with them). My next course of action includes steroids, and possible daily injections to attempt to get my disease back in remission. Of course, I have to get to the doctor first. Things haven't been real great around here lately, mostly because my husband just doesn't know how to respond to me being sick. He still LIKES for me to be on the pain meds, because I can actually function, and I'm "happier" and more productive. I just don't know what to feel anymore....or what to do. I truly am unable to get out of bed without the meds because of the severe arthritis in my joints (mostly in my knees), and I HAVE to be able to function. Anyway...that is the "medical" aspect of what is going on...oh, and I'm still awaiting more pathology reports to see if any of the polyps are cancerous...I've had pre-cancerous polyps removed already, but because there are SO many now, it's going to take some time to determine what exactly we are dealing with. THat, and because of all the scar tissue and inflammation in my small bowel, the doctors have been unsuccessful in taking any biopsies in that area. We are looking at possible surgery to do a resection...where they will take out part of my intestines and then re-attach them so that we can get rid of some of the really bad parts. I still have SOOOO much more I want to say....more about my past with my parents (extremely abusive...not only physically, but verbally and mentally...which I believe hurts more...I can be hit, punched, whatever...but that doesn't hurt near as much as the cruel words spoken to me/about me), the present with my parents (to summarize, my children DO NOT have grandparents other than at Christmas and on birthdays...they are real good about buying gifts, but they sure do not want to spend ANY time with the kids..EVER), and of course, my past and present relationships. I hope I am not boring you all with this..and trust me, you do not have to read it all, lol, it is just helping SO much to let it out...to write it all out....to be able to express how various things have affected me. The one thing I'm sure of in this life is that I have 5 BEAUTIFUL children...they are my world. I thank God each and everyday for blessing me with them. They make me want to get better....in every aspect of my life. I know that i need to learn to love myself too...but trust me, that is going to take LOTS of time! Right now, I'm VERY down on who I am, what I've become, and how selfish and childish I act at times.
Ok, that is my novel for the day, sorry it's a rambling mess once again. I had only a short window of time to write, so I wanted to get in the addiction part of my life for now. Like I said before, I will continue to write...but please do not feel obligated to read, or respond when I do write, I'm just looking at it as good, free therapy!!!!
God Bless all of you and I hope you all have a SUPER weekend!!!!
So very much of what you write about is like reading my life story but in someone else's words. We have very similar issues with our childhood, our self-esteem, our marriages (past & present), depression, issues with trust, and maybe things that have yet to be said out loud. I understand that much of our past belongs only to us, & it is a major thing in our lives when we decide to let some of those things out of the "box" where we have kept them tucked away for so long to share with someone. Even here on this board because in some strange way, it's as if we all really do know each other & are talking to each other & can see each other & hear the sounds of our voices. Maybe we fear we might be "found out" somehow by talking to the members here. Please just know that I understand the need to protect yourself by keeping some things unspoken, as well as the very real feeling that we are all sitting together chatting over coffee rather than women scattered around the U.S at our PCs. When you are ready and feel safe enough, I suspect a lot is going to come tumbling out. Just please don't come back and delete your posts, okay? I love reading what you have to say...
Your husband, I have to say he reminds me of my ex in some ways. I posted this in another thread (maybe that's the one our wonderful Twin Lynn is referring to?) anyway, for me I had to get rid of my ex for some what may sound to others as "silly" reasons, but for me, you'll know what I mean when I say they aren't silly! Here are some examples of things I did while I was married--I'd put the newspaper back into its wrapping so it wouldn't look like I took a break during the day to read it; I jumped through hoops just to get out of the house without the kids to get a haircut or go bra shopping; I would cry at the sight of other couples who were laughing and being affectionate; & I silently tolerated the verbal and emotional abuse he inflicted because that was all I knew, & because of my low self-esteem, I didn't think I deserved better. My ex got really PO'd at the amount of toilet paper I used! He threw tantrums if I asked him to watch the kids so I could go to lunch and a movie with a girlfriend (heck, he sure didn't want to go do anything with me!), & he was constantly criticizing & barking at every little thing until I was literally a physical & emotional mess. I could prepare 3 good meals, mow the yard, feed, bathe, & play with 2 kids, clean the kitchen after each meal, do a couple loads of laundry, vacuum, grocery shop w/the kids, & pay the bills all in one day yet he would never notice, much less acknoweldge, those things, but he was quick to find something, anything, that still needed doing and lash out in a very critical way about it..."I work 10 hours a day every day, & you can't manage to keep the yard watered!?!" On & on it went until the proverbial "straw" happened, & that was my catalyst for saying goodbye, good luck, but get the **** out of my house!"
We were not living our lives like partners, it was as if we weren't on the same side. Instead it was him against me. I decided I could no longer live with a "roommate" who only provided me with financial security. There was no love, affection, playfulness or laughter in our lives, & I turned to pills even more to fill that void as well as to suppress the pain of the other things I kept in my box, and it worked! I felt great, just the way you described. The only good thing that I could probably say came from my pill abuse was it gave me the energy (and the false strength, too) to seek a divorce...LOL! It's not really funny, but try squeezing in secret lawyer appts., mtgs. with accountants, trips to my secret bank acct. and P.O. Box & it's exhausting! I had been married 18 years, & it was all very scarey to think about actually going through with what I knew I wanted, but here I was, a grown woman being told what temperature I could have the heat on & how much T.P. I should use! And yes, I too, was responsible for every bump, bruise, & scratch my kids got from playing & learning to walk. He would say things like "where were you when he fell?!" or "You need to watch him closer!" It was unbelievable, but it is more unbelievable that I allowed myself to live that way for so long. I used to wish he'd hit me so I'd have a "valid" reason for divorce, do you know what I mean? From the outside it all looked perfect, and my mother was floored when I told her how unhappy I was! She was from a different generation, & she was the victim of a physically abusive alcoholic, so to her any man who worked and came home & didn't hit his wife was a good man.
My health was much like yours, but not as severe by any means. Colonoscopies...don't you just love them?! I was checked for Crohn's and other things to try and find out why I was losing weight & why I couldn't sleep (hello? Was anyone listening when I told about being tied up & raped while I was asleep, and then throw in some nightly visits from my incestous brother-in-law? Hmmm, let's see if going to bed is a safe place to be!? Geez!) Many, many invasive tests later, the dr. could only say I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome & he put me on a benzo for anxiety and PTSD. Then he threw in some hydros for the headaches and the all over feeling of "yuck" that I had, & my addiction was flourishing by then. I could tune out my ex, not feel my discomfort, and enjoy my kids and my limited existence because I had this whole different world happening in my mind thanks to the euphoria of hydro.
But Christianmom, your circumstances are a lot different. I understand Crohn's is VERY painful. It is no wonder you seek relief from the pain. And then there are the other very real things you have also...arthritis, precancerous polyps, I mean, maybe you're a candidate for pain management? I know you have addictive traits, but maybe if some of the stressors were eliminated from your life, you would be less likely to abuse them ? You know best about how you feel and how you love. I look back at my marriage (I've been single for 6 yrs, & I could do all the pills I wanted then because nobody was looking now! Ha, I'll show you!), & I see that there was no adult love there...only the love of a parent & child, & that wasn't enough. I read in your post that you love your husband, but it sounds like his way of expressing love for you is not what you need right now. It seems a shame that he likes you better and encourages you to take the pills...does he know the whole story? Please be careful with that one. My ex wanted me to get high on pot with him while I was pregnant..said I had more of a sense of humor, what a winner! If I had room for all the red flags that were there but I just didn't acknowledge, I'd have to build an addition to my house to make room for them all.
I worry about you, CM. You sound like such a loving & compassionate person that it would be a shame if that love was not spent on yourself also. Maybe for now you could go ahead & address the health issues you have, & then address your marriage. You don't sound happy... & that makes me sad. I see this intelligent, loving, and thoughtful woman who loves her children and her God--yet she doesn't see herself as deserving of love back. You might find it cathartic to open that box & just give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel as you allow yourself to face your past and the demons that come with it. Please don't think that I'm saying to get rid of your husband or marriage by any means! It just sounds like it is not the best environment to be in as you try to deal with addiction. What is the answer, though? That is a tough one. Sincerely though, could you just put yourself at the head of the I-need-attention line and address your pathology & find out the best way to deal with it medically. Then you can continue to be the Christian Mom that you already are, but with the knowledge that it's okay to feel the way you do physically because there are very real reasons for it--then maybe you could stop being so very hard on yourself. You really are hard on yourself, you know, & I suspect that comes from your painful childhood, the unresolved emotions that were spawned from it, the unaddressed abuse of a different kind, your guilt, & the feeling that you are being pushed and pulled in so many different ways, well, how in the heck should you handle all of this!? With the all-you-can-eat buffet plates you have balancing on your head topped off with your addiction & your desire to quit, well...something is going to have to give, & I am afraid it will be your heart & soul.
Please know that I think the best of you, & I know the others here do also. I understand those childhood pains & being afraid of the dark, & I worry about you--it's as if you are on the verge of something big. Please don't give up, you're too valuable to your children and yourself to allow things to be ignored. It's so hard, but with the exceptional strength & resolve you have (which I feel you have only temporarily lost sight of), I think you will know what you have to do...& you will do it, it's just a matter of timing.
When I read both your stories, I had to wonder (aside from my admiration at how the two of you emerged from--and survived--the emotionally "brutal" lives you have lived through)...I had to wonder--hey! Did you two marry the same guy?!? LOLOL!!! Forgive me for joking in such a situation, but I think you should introduce them to one another....they seem to have a lot in common!! I know that there is all this psychology about how we "make the wrong choices" or "are treated the way we allow ourselves to be." But, still....isn't it just amazing that there are all these abusive guys out there in the first place--just waiting for us! LOL!
My own marriage (we separated two and a half years ago, after about 28 years together--20 years of them married), was more "subtly" abusive, I would say. We had many good years together (he's English and I met him when I was working in London for 10 years.) But then...we began to have many not-so-good years. No screaming or yelling (and no kids to fight over,
except our two beloved dogs). Just very psychological ways of hitting at one another's "weak" spots....kind of reinforcing the emotional doubts you know the other one has. I wouldn't say we did this intentionally....but we still did it. (Dallas A. - I know all about wanting to cry as you watch other couples joking and affectionate and focused on another. So painful when you remember it was once the two of you like that.)
Because we split things down the middle financially--and always kept our incomes and money apart--we avoided fights over stuff like toilet paper (the way I used it, I should have had stock in Scott Paper Products) or running up the electricity bill (although my menopause cost him dearly in air conditioning!) LOL! But we still knew how to "wound" the other...and ultimately, we cared too much about one another to live like that anymore. So, we split up.
It all sounds so neat and tidy the way I've written it...but those last years were pretty excrutiating....and I lost a lot of confidence, which I've never had in surplus to begin with! Anyway.....reading both your stories I can see the strength that you needed to have to come through all that you did. Of course, interestingly enough, although I had things easier...I STILL turned to pills when I felt emotionally weak. So, it's not always our life situation that determines our strength and willpower...it's more how we perceive our own injuries.
I echo everything Dallas A. has to say about your letting your story out. I'm of the school that we need at least one person in our lives, with whom we can share those parts of our lives, hardest to talk about. As you said, just getting it all down on "paper" like this is healthy! And, Dallas A's comment, in her last post, is SO true: that somehow--even though we are basically just a group of women seated around our computers (an accidental group, at that!)--it feels as if there is a far greater connection than just an electronic one!
You know, for those of us who write so much more fluidly than we speak, say on the phone, the internet has given us a real gift.....the chance to meet others without the initial awkward fumbling for thoughts and words that can be so tough between two unfamiliar (shy) people. It lets us skip that stumbling block--lets us communicate our thoughts into words--without the hemming and hawing and ultra-cautious filtering we may struggle with in first-time, face-to-face conversations. (All you out-going people can ignore this stuff!!)
Okay--I can already hear the protests that this computer "chat" stuff is false intimacy. (And in some cases, it IS.) But....each new friendship soon works its way to a definitive point, where your instincts tell you if this relationship is a true one. At some point you decide whether to define it further, by taking a risk--and sharing more. (I found a wonderful friend--ten years ago--in my search for a dog magazine editor interested in the strange, amusing travails--Therapy Dog visits to the elderly, Temperament Test Certificates (surrounded by a pack of Rottweilers), Broadway stage role and all--of my first Lhasa Apso, Oliver. Jenny and I became fast friends--PLUS--she published a few of my articles!)
Anyway...in my usual "terse" way (LOLOL!) what I am trying to say, Christianmom, is that those of us you've met and shared confidences with on this Board.....would never do anything to cause you to regret it! We're with you every step.
My final comment--and not at all a serious one--is my riotous reaction to one of Dallas A's ways to "chill...after a pill"....:
Dallas Alice -
Envisioning you tossing stuff left and right, madly kicking closet "detritus" behind you, like a dog digging up a bone, had me rolling around in a fit of laughter. Is there anything quite so motivating as a "Hyper-Hydrocodone Closet Clean"!?!?! Why in the world are we women all drawn like magnets--the moment the opiates kick-in--to restructuring and rearranging any and all of the over-stuffed spaces, we've suffocated with "stuff"!! Why do those pills always result in mad fits of the restoration and rehousing of the whole embarrassing mess--the "excess of purchases past"!? LOLOL!! (Also...those pills used to make me THINK I was creative!!! Then...I would reread what I'd written a few hourse later. Cringe!)
Okay, time to watch all those Sunday morning "spin" shows--watch each political party hammer down the other one. Sort of like those "Mole in the Hole" carnival games!!
WoW! Such great messages from everyone...and lots of "food for thought" as well. I have SO much to say to many of you, but I have to make this short as Sundays are our "family" days and we are getting ready to carve pumpkins with the kids. I just wanted to quickly address something you mentioned, Dallas...and also ask a somewhat "strange" question to everyone/anyone that is reading this. Dallas, in regards to my pain due to the Crohn's, arthritis, and other issues which all related to the Crohn's itself...I've actually been given the option of seeing a pain management doctor...mainly because I've complained to my gastroenterologist that I'm in severe pain, even taking the Norco. The only problem I have with going to a PM doc, is that the gastro. doc mentioned that they might want to try something stronger...either morphine-type medication, oxycontin, and/or some kind of time-released patch. I'm not really familar with all of the medications (thank goodness), except for anything like morphine or demerol (that I've had through an I.V. during my many colonoscopies, my C-section, and a couple of other surgeries I've had)...and those literally make me wacky~ haha~ I talk to people that are not there, hallucinate, etc...I told this to one of my friends and a nurse recently, and they both laughed and said, "what's wrong with that???"~ haha! I just don't really want to get on anything stronger....sheesh, the way I take the norco (although my doctor DOES NOT know this), I would think I could knock out ANY AND ALL pain. I guess I'll just see how it goes at my next appt. and go from there. I'm still so confused on what I want to do with myself, my "self-medicating", etc. right now. Anyway, I'll write more about that later...
Now, for my question. Does anyone (and Dallas, I would love for you to respond to this question since some of your past experiences are WHY I'm asking this question) recall things that happened to them~ good OR bad~ between the ages of birth and 5 yrs. of age? I mean, ANYTHING at all. I'm being counseled at my church every Monday, and the counselor asked me to give some memories of each age category....good, bad, or just any memories in general. I could give memories past the age of about 6 or 7, but prior to that I remember NOTHING at all. I was abused (physically, emotionally, mentally) throughout all that time, so the only good memories I had involved grandparents, the start of school activities, my church involvement, etc...but absolutely no "fond" memories of my home life at all. Well, this concerned the counselor (that I couldn't remember anything prior to 6 or 7), and she seems to think I am supressing or "blocking" something. Funny thing is, I've always wondered this myself. She thinks it might be something to do with some kind of sexual abuse. Now I DO NOT recall anything of the sort, but as soon as she said that..I started to cry uncontrollably...and I have NO IDEA why. Now I did tell her that I've always had a problem with sex (sorry if this is way too much info~ haha), and that it has always made me feel dirty, or like I was doing something wrong...and that the ONLY reason I really do it anymore (or have done it anyway) is/was to conceive a child.
Anyway, this was supposed to be short and sweet for now~ haha~ but I rambled away. I've got to go for now...the kids are yelling at me! I will reply to all of you individually later this evening or tomorrow when the kiddos are in school. I hope you all are having a FANTASTIC Sunday...please take care of yourselves and relax today...I'm thinking of you all!!!!