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Old 10-09-2004, 07:52 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 25
Brenshay HB User
My Moment of Truth

Hi Everyone,

I finally went to the doctor with my husband yesterday regarding my Vicodin addiction. This was after my husband came home the other day to find me crying hysterically and having withdrawals because I had run out and had not been able to get any more. I swear that part of me thought and hoped the doctor was going to write me a prescription for Vicodin and send me on my way, even though I knew that was foolish.

The doctor told me that it's easy to become a drug addict in a short time with this medication and that I had been taking a lot of it. He suggested a slow taper off the Vicodin and gave me Strattera, which he said was a medication that might give me the same stimulating effect the Vicodin did. I have not tried it yet, so I don't know. I asked him about Clonodine, but he told me that it doesn't really work and didn't give me any. He wants to see me back in two weeks.

I was honest with my husband in the parking lot and told him that I wasn't sure if I could taper the medication the way the doctor wanted me to. I told him that it was likely I would also have the desire to look for more. I told him that I wanted to stop in my head for the right reasons, but inside my heart I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it. We took separate cars home, and by the time I got home he had already hidden all the Vicodin that I had and has been doling the tapering schedule out to me every day.

I know all this is happening for the right reasons, but part of me feels angry at being treated like a criminal or a little kid. I think I'm just mad that these pills are going to be out of my life and I'm never going to have that good feeling again. I know that Vicodin is a horrible drug that causes horrible addictions, but when I was taking it I felt so normal and functional. I could get so many things done around the house and all my work done and was happy while I was doing it.

I know it sounds sick, but I don't know how I'm going to live my life without it. I know that's not what people want to hear, but I feel I have to be completely honest at this point. That's why I told my husband the truth about how I was feeling. Both of us were sick of the lies and deceit that comes from taking these pills. I was getting them and trying to sneak them into the house and not let my husband know how much money I was spending, but then he would eventually find out anyway. He was getting fed up with all the lies, and lying is not something I did before Vicodin came into my life.

I would appreciate any and all support I can get while I have to go through this process. I know there's no turning back for me now, and I would love to have some hands to hold as I walk through this fire. You all have been so good to me here when I was coming to terms with being an addict and urging me to seek help. Please help me now through the hardest part. Thanks.

 
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Old 10-09-2004, 08:23 AM   #2
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: the South
Posts: 667
windysan HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

I don't know how many vics you were taking per day....that would help us tell you what to expect in terms of withdrawal time. The drug the doc gave you...is it an anti-depressant? I'll check and post again. Just know that you will get your life back. All the chaos is attributable to the drugs and when you clean up you will feel normal again. You will get your energy back again. Opiates are false energy. Just drink lots of water. Take some Ibuprofen for the aches and Imodium for the diahrrea. If you can't eat regular food get some Ensure shakes. The worst will be over in 3-4 days....mostly flu-like symptoms if your dose wasn't that high. I suggest Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous(they accept dopers too) for the mental part of the withdrawal. It isn't that difficult to quit....making the decision to quit is the hardest part. Let us know your dosage of vics.

be strong

 
Old 10-09-2004, 08:27 AM   #3
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: the South
Posts: 667
windysan HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

It looks like Strattera is used to treat ADD and ADHD. I am simply astonished at how idiotic doctors are when it comes to addiction and withdrawal. You can try the Strattera and see if it offers relief. It does alter the chemicals in the brain.....just how....well, I don't know. I suggest that you go see an addiction specialist. This doctor you are seeing sounds like he's not too experienced in the addiction field.

 
Old 10-09-2004, 08:44 AM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 265
rockingham HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

for brenshay,

i understand your feelings of anger and being upset that you wont ever be able to get high again. that is just what i concentrated on when i admitted i was an addict and had to stop using. knowing you wont experience the pure joy that the euphoria of an opiate high provides produces much sorrow over the fact that its over and you have to move on and live your life without the benefit of this wonderful little helper called hydrocodone. take these words to heart brenshay, i promise it will get better. but its a long process and takes much patience. it will take a few months to get over the acute disappointment of not getting high again. you will need to keep the faith and trust that it will happen and lean on your support for help thru the times when its getting you down. i was in your shoes about a year ago and i feel so much better now. i have come so far from that day i put down opiates.

counseling would help you get your feelings out in the open and allow a professional to offer advice on how to make peace with how you feel. i would recommend contacting a substance abuse counselor. i did and it helped brenshay

 
Old 10-09-2004, 11:41 AM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 25
Brenshay HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

Thank you for your responses. I was taking about 4-5 Vicodin-ES per day, which I think is kind of a low dose even though the doctor said it was a lot. I really appreciate the advice on how to get through the withdrawals. Especially since I went to the drugstore to pick up that Strattera and they had it on hold because they needed further information from my doctor whose office doesn't open back up until Monday. So I don't have that to try.

I understand about feeling the sorrow of losing that good feeling from the drug. I have read on here so many times that people feel better after they stop the drug than when they were on it, but right now that just seems so foreign to me. I can't imagine feeling better than when I take the Vicodin. I hope one day I will post on here and say the same thing.

I also paged my therapist who I have not seen for a couple of months, but who I have seen on and off for the past 6-1/2 years. He is going to see me on Monday and I am going to tell him the whole sordid tale. He has no idea about any of this, so I imagine it will be a shock. To think this all started with a simple procedure of wisdom tooth removal.

 
Old 10-09-2004, 12:24 PM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Kansas
Posts: 429
bluejulie5 HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

Short and Sweet:

Your husband did the right thing by hiding your medication.
Continue the taper process. It will get easier.
__________________
julie

 
Old 10-09-2004, 01:10 PM   #7
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 155
christianmom HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

Hi there!!!

Wow, I really could see a LOT of myself in your post. I wish so much I could say something to make you feel better, or to take away the pain of going through withdrawals, etc...but I'm still not "there" yet myself. All I can do is offer you support, and let you know that I am here for you ALWAYS. I've found this forum to be full of genuine, loving, caring, supportive people...and regardless of what stage in your addiction you are in, they are all here to help you. I must say though, you are one EXTREMELY brave person for going to your doctor. I have to agree with one of the previous posters though...you might want to consider seeing a doctor that specializes in addictions. There are many different alternatives to treatment as well...inpatient, outpatient, weekly counceling sessions, etc. I know that where I live they have a facility that is part of the University...they have resident doctors who see you and evaluate you, then come up with a plan of sorts to either help you with your detox, or..if you've already detoxed, they will see you weekly for counceling, most of them prescribe anti-depressant meds, blood pressure meds if you need them, etc....they are extremely helpful and seem to take more time with their patients than most established doctors (I actually saw a particular woman here about 2 yrs. ago.....first to discuss past addiction issues, counceling for depression, she prescribed meds for the depression and anxiety issues, and then later when I started abusing the pain pills..I was completely open and honest with her..she helped me through that then as well.....I did stop seeing her, and that is probably why I'm right back in the same boat now).

I have many, many medical issues I'm dealing with right now...so I'm on pain killers for that, but I still abuse them too. My doctor doesn't know this. My husband trys to do exactly what your husband is doing...he keeps my pills and I have to ASK for them anytime I want/need them. I get lectured, yelled at, etc. constantly for wanting more than I'm prescribed. When he leaves for work, he actually hides the amount that I need for the day..and I have to call him when the time comes to take them, so he can tell me where to find them. Of course, I've torn this house upside down a few times looking for them myself! So, I can COMPLETELY relate to feeling as if you are being treated like a child...I feel like that each and every day. I guess it's because I need to be treated that way, I don't know.

You are right in that you really are not on too high of a dosage, so your withdrawals shouldn't be TOO bad. I might have missed it, but how long have you been taking the pills? The longest length of time I've taken these pills was for 4 months....and even in that short amount of time, I wanted to die during withdrawals. Of course, I was taking 10-15 pills a day (and I take the Norco 10/325's). I did find several things that helped with the withdrawals though....I had a few samples of Ultracet (and I've heard awful things about this drug, so be careful if you ever do use it!!!!!! I took only 2 of them on the first day of W/D's, and 1 on the 2nd day), I used Immodium for the diarrhea, lots of warm baths, benadryl for sleep, and I am prescribed klonopin for anxiety anyway...so I believe that it helped a lot too. Oh, and probably the most important...instead of the clonodine, I take propranolol (which is a beta-blocker and basically the exact same thing as clonodine)20mgs./4 times a day anyway for a rapid heartrate and BP issues (due to a chronic health condition I have)...so that helped a ton (and I actually had to increase the dose to double of what I normally take!).

Anyway, I turned this into a novel (I'm good at doing that...you'll see for yourself! haha!), but please know that I do care, and I hope and pray that you will stick around and share with us often, and lean on us as much as you need to. I'll keep you in my prayers as well. Please keep us updated on your situation, and know that you are definitely NOT alone in this!!!!!!!

 
Old 10-11-2004, 09:10 AM   #8
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 25
Brenshay HB User
Re: My Moment of Truth

Thanks, BlueJulie and Christianmom for your advice and support. I also have two little boys, so I know the extra stress there is going through something like this and trying to raise children at the same time. The last thing I want is for them to suffer in any way.

I had a session with my therapist this morning and told him everything that has been going on. He was surprised but seemed to have some good ideas on how to help me get rid of the pills for good. One thing he suggested is to have my husband keep track of our checking account much closer (I take care of that now) and to check my computer's history to see where I've been every day. I hate to relinquish so much power to anyone, but he told me that right now it needs to be done. He also told me to make a list of all the bad things that have happened since starting the pills and refer to it several times a day whether I'm having cravings or not. He also wants to see me again this week and stay in very close contact to help me get through this.

I really trust my therapist as I have seen him on and off for 6-1/2 years and he has helped me through many things. I was honest with him and told him that stopping these drugs is not something I want to do, but I know I have to. I'm still at that stage where I'm mourning the loss of the good feeling the drugs have given me in the past and still wanting that feeling again. My doctor said, as many of you here have said, that the feeling would not have lasted and pretty soon I'd just be taking the drugs to not feel sick. I'm glad I never got to that point. I feel lucky I found this message board when I did.

Right now the amount of pills my husband is giving me is enough to keep me from having withdrawals, but not enough to make me feel the euphoria. I am scheduled for another taper in the next day or so. I'm afraid of the hard road ahead, but I know it's one I have to travel. It kills me that Christmas is coming and I have spent so much money on pills that I could have used to buy presents. I'm not sure how we're going to afford it this year. There's another one I can add to my "therapy list."

Anyway, thanks for listening and for being there as always. I really appreciate you guys opening your hearts and sharing your stories. It helps me a lot and it helps to have someplace like this to come when things get difficult.

 
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