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Old 10-13-2004, 04:03 PM   #1
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Question Relationship issues while in recovery.

Hi all.I am an alcoholic & have been sober for 3 months.Well recently,my BF broke up w/ me b/c he wants to see some 'changes'.One of the problems he has w/ our relationship is the fact he cannot drink while he is around me.He is very aware of my drinking problem and knows how long I have been sober.He had said to me that his problem is he feels like he cant drink when around me,and that bothers him.He says that he is a "26 yr old grown man who should be able to have a drink once in a while & not have to worry about upsetting me,I have the problem,not him"...I have came to terms that I cannot change things,for I am the one w/ the problem,not him.I know that in early recovery one feels jealous & upset over not being able to drink,but what should someone do when in a situation like this?..Should I be mad that he feels like this? or am I the one who is wrong? Im confused
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Old 10-14-2004, 07:10 AM   #2
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Lots of relationships split up when one side is in recovery. You have to be good to yourself right now. If he is going to be a jerk and play the "I can't drink around you" game, then you may have to stop seeing him. He will weaken your resolve...it's tough enough fighting your own cravings and obsessions, you don't need his pressure too. There are a lot of strong, sane sober men in the world who will respect you.

Do you go to AA meetings? They saved my life and my sanity. And you will find lots of women just like you going through the same thing you are. It's great stuff.

 
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Old 10-14-2004, 07:38 AM   #3
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I totally agree with the above post. Your most important person to deal with right now is YOU. You are not responsible for what your boyfriend does. You are suffering from a disease, and he should realize that and try to be a little more supportive. If you were suffering from cancer, would it be right of him to dump you until he saw some "changes"? I do believe that substance abuse hurts everyone involved and not just the user, but you are doing the work of recovery and he's acting this way just when you need him the most. I would suggest telling him how you feel about this in case he does not realize what he has been doing.

 
Old 10-14-2004, 12:29 PM   #4
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Thank you for responding,Im in desperate need for advice and appericiate everyones opinoins.I understand that one has to look out for themselves first,but im not at that point yet.Im still trying to figure out if in fact he is wrong for making an issue out of not being able to drink while around me.I am BEYOND confused as what I should do,should I tell him to take a walk? Why cant I see that he is wrong?,if thats the case.I dont know whether or not to continue it,if im even given that 2nd chance.
No,I dont go to AA,however I am in extensive therapy and two early recovery groups.Im on the way to a better life,but this situation is depressing me even more than I already am!
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Old 10-14-2004, 12:38 PM   #5
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I would just suggest explaining to your boyfriend exactly what you are going through and that it truly is a disease that you are suffering from. Explain to him the work that you are doing to help yourself and that it has nothing to do with whether he can take a drink or not. I think just about anyone would be receptive and supportive to that. If he cannot be there for you at the time you need him most, it might be time to find somebody who can. You don't need your heart ripped out at a time when you are trying to put your life back together.

 
Old 10-14-2004, 05:09 PM   #6
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I did shrinks, re-hab, white-knuckling it, but the only thing that gave me comfort and a deep understanding of my disease was AA. The best part was meeting so many others that shared my problem and discovering I wasn't crazy or a total loser.

My wife was done with me and wanted a divorce. I was cold and withdrawn and angry all the time, and I just wanted to be left alone. A couple of yrs later and my life is deeper and richer than I ever could have imagined and I'm still married.

Try http://www.anonpress.org/phone/. This is the AA Intergroup with a list of phone # and websites around the country. I beg you to find a meeting near you. Therapy and recovery groups aren't enough...take a look at all the people in your group who are probably going through for the 2nd or 3rd time.
Therapy is about discovery, but AA is about recovery. Good luck

 
Old 10-16-2004, 09:00 AM   #7
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I am going to look into AA.Im finally getting my life together & I dont need anyone to bring me down.I have to do for myself now...Thank you for the advice
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Old 10-16-2004, 09:26 PM   #8
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

He sounds a little selfish. Whilst we are when we are using, when we are committed to recovery of our disease then, we are doing the best we can, and need support.People should support you or leave you alone of they can't. My partner gave up drinking and cigarettes to help me, and he's stuck to for 12 weeks now- toxin free. I am so lucky to have him and feel selfish that I haven't yet been as successful. The point is, if he loves you enough then it shouldn't be too much of an issue for him, what is more important your health and your relationship or him being able to drink. I could be wrong in my view of course, this is only my thoughts from my experience with my wonderful man.

 
Old 10-17-2004, 09:57 AM   #9
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I think its a little unfair of me if I were to expect him to give everything up just b/c I have a problem.He is a grown man and should be able to do what he wants,just as long as it isnt in front of me!..I am not sure if we will work this out,I am praying that we do but who knows?
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Old 10-17-2004, 03:11 PM   #10
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Oh Boy, all I can say from my own past, 15 years ago, I wanted to be clean & sober, 2 years into my marriage & the thought of me getting better was a threat to my husband, (now divorced !!). He would go as far as disabeling my car so I whatever I was doing to better my life, (school, work, friends & kin), I was stuck. But I think whenever one beters themselfs, there is a jelousy issue. He says he is looking for changes?, I dont understand that, you already have, I'm not an expert, but maybe is is afraid of those changes. you are ready to look at yourself, (addticion aside, I think everyone should do that once in there life), he just does not understand. Maybe he liked you better when you had no control, now that you do, it may be a threat to him in some way. I may of missed it, but how long has the relationship been?. Good luck to you & peace to all,

 
Old 10-21-2004, 02:06 PM   #11
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

I recently found out that the cause of our breakup was mainly due to him and the emotional issues he has never dealt w/..He said is he confused right now and needs to deal w/ things from his childhood that were ignored all these yrs...He needs to straighten things out first,so all I can do is give him his time!...Painful,but I finally realize that I cant push him anymore.
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Old 11-02-2004, 01:41 PM   #12
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Selfish of him! If my ex-boyfriend would have committed to stop drinking, the last thing I would have done is drink around him! I would have been there to support him in each phase of his recovery. Maybe your boyfriend liked you better when you were addicted and not in complete control? Anyhow, if he cannot support your efforts, he is not worth having around. Please go to AA meetings, it will really help you. I went to one (I'm not even an alcoholic) just to listen and try to understand this disease and what people are going through. Good luck! Remember, there are more fish in the sea !

 
Old 11-03-2004, 11:20 AM   #13
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

i am a recovered alcoholic. i fear for you greatly right now.you have no mental defence against the 1st drink. the reason you are not going to aa is because you are trying to do it your way. your way was what got you where you are to begin with. at 3 mo. sober you have no biz. in a relationship to begin with, under any circumstances,for any reason, w/anybody.this is a time to work on you. PERIOD. you have a disease that has you by the *** and wants to kill you. and it will.I'd stake my life that youv'e never been to a hard line detox, or talked to a drunk under the bridge.....this is life and death honey..............get a sponsor, get to meetings, start working the 12 steps,
...................NOW!!!!!!!!.......... .
YOU HAVE A THINKING PROBLEM........DON'T TRUST YOU OWN DECISIONS
that is what a support group is for(of the same sex).......you can take my suggestions now, or continue on your present course to the bottom........sorry,the truth hurts sometimes
may god go w/you

 
Old 11-04-2004, 12:36 PM   #14
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Iam going through a similar situatian, except i have not told my boyfriend he can't drink around me.Just because we are addicts doesn't mean we can't go out to clubs where there is lots of alcohol. You just say no thats all, yes you get jealous but just think they are the ones who are going to feel shity the next day. But you should still leave your boyfriend if he really loved you he would do anything for you. My boyfriend is not being very supportive either so i am not talking to him and maybe i'll end it i don't know what iam going to do yet.

 
Old 11-04-2004, 01:10 PM   #15
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Re: Relationship issues while in recovery.

Quote:
Originally Posted by huk945
i am a recovered alcoholic. i fear for you greatly right now.you have no mental defence against the 1st drink. the reason you are not going to aa is because you are trying to do it your way. your way was what got you where you are to begin with. at 3 mo. sober you have no biz. in a relationship to begin with, under any circumstances,for any reason, w/anybody.this is a time to work on you. PERIOD. you have a disease that has you by the *** and wants to kill you. and it will.I'd stake my life that youv'e never been to a hard line detox, or talked to a drunk under the bridge.....this is life and death honey..............get a sponsor, get to meetings, start working the 12 steps,
...................NOW!!!!!!!!.......... .
YOU HAVE A THINKING PROBLEM........DON'T TRUST YOU OWN DECISIONS
that is what a support group is for(of the same sex).......you can take my suggestions now, or continue on your present course to the bottom........sorry,the truth hurts sometimes
may god go w/you
Wow,you make alot of sense and I agree w/ you.I have never been to detox as my drinking never got that bad.I agree that im trying to do it my way.About 2 weeks ago I slipped and drank 3 beers w/ a friend of mine.I hesitated for about a 1/2 hour or so before I took that first sip.I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I shouldnt be drinking but I gave into that 'party girl' mode.I wanted to let loose and forget about everything just for a night.I am currently in therapy & going to groups twice a week.Working on getting my GED also,under alot of stress right now and I am scared of going back to that bad place.Im aware that I need to work on things.
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