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Old 10-17-2004, 05:01 PM   #1
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Unhappy Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

Hello! I have used other boards on this website. Some may think my story is pathetic but I need help all the same. Just a little background on me. I am 26 years old. I have suffered from depression since I was 17. I take medication for it. I used to be overweight, which still leaves me with "fat girl" in my mind. As crazy as this may sound, I'm still a virgin. I have had a very hard time letting anyone close. Some, with depression, anxiety and low self esteem look for attention to make themselves feel better. Being the opposite, I never let anyone in. About 1 1/2 years ago, I met this guy Joe through a friend. I have a few drinks every now and again but never smoked pot. When I met Joe, I knew he smoked but thought just a little. When Joe and I met, the instant connection we had was unbelievable. We talked for hours and hours on our first date. We had so much in common that we probably skipped the getting to know you part. It was like we knew each other for years. I'm usually the one, out of fear, to divulge the depression and virginity thing way too soon. On our first date, Joe told me about his battle with depression. He doesn't believe in therapy (says he tried it along with antidepressants). I've worked extremely hard to get myself to a better place, although I have a long way to go. When he opened up to me first, it made it acceptable for me to open up. We only went out for a month but it was the best month of my life. He is the only guy I've ever considered to be a boyfriend...pathetic I know. I was on top of the world. He treated me like a queen. Within a week I met the family, soup to nuts. EVERYONE!!!! Although him and I never slept together, I felt comfortable with him in every way. I truly felt (feel) he was my soul mate. Here is the thing...I think he was abused by his mom when he was little (based on a few comments he made but never wanted to talk about.) She bought him a bong. He showed me his journal about wanting to die and not caring about himself. He's always been known as the loud party guy but showed me a different person. Told me he was tired of being that guy. It was what everyone was used to seeing. I truly feel, in with all my heart and soul, that he showed me who he wants to be. I'm never one to believe this about myself....I feel he had deep feelings for me but was scared and ran away. Could that be true? He never smoked in front of me but didn't stop smoking. Everyone has just accepted this from. It was me against his world. I was the chick who was forcing him to stop smoking according to "the boyz." In reality, I wanted to help him see how good he was...that he was better than all of this. He moved to a party town with "the boyz." It's all they do. They are almost 30. I wanted to be friends with his friends but refused to be around pot. So since they moved in together, I was booted. We didn't last but he told me I was the best thing to come into his life in years. He told me "if you care for something you set it free." I was soooooooooo messed up. I relapsed with depression big time. Anytime I spoke to him after that, the convo ended bad. I wanted to understand what happened. He never wanted to discuss it. But then when the holidays came, he left me messages. I was very confused. Maybe I read too much into it but that's depression for ya. We ended up talking one day and went to dinner to discuss what happened. I layed it all out. I did tell him how much he hurt me and that he did "f" up. But I also told him that I thought he was better than all of it. We spent 7 hours together that night just talking. Having laughs and also arguing a smidge. He listened to everything I said. I thought he got that I wasn't trying to hurt him. I was "brutally honest" maybe. When I left dinner that night, I thought we finally got it all out and were able to be friends. He told me he wasn't ready to stop smoking and didn't know if he ever would be. It came to a night when I needed him to be my friend so I called him. He told me I was ***** for what I said. He thought it was "f"ed up that I threw everything in his face. He told me he didn't want to talk to me. BROKE ME!!! My intentions were to never throw anything in his face. I feel he was offended because he knew I was right but just couldn't handle it. So many people can't understand why I can't get over him. We went to dinner in april mind you. I just still can't let go of him. I try to put myself out there but socializing is very hard for me. I'm just different than most people...at least the people I'm meeting. He won't leave my mind. Why do I still care for him so much? I hate thinking he hates me, even though I didn't do anything wrong. Can someone please help me understand this? I never wanted to hurt him but I'm not sorry for what I said. Sometimes I do really well. But lately he's taken up so much of my mind. I miss the person he showed me. Is this common? I don't know how to understand. I try to put myself out there but wish at the same time, he would clean up and find his way back to me. Am I stupid, naive, clueless? I know in my heart he is better. Why am I so hurt and missing him still?

I'm sorry this was soooooooooo long but I just kept typing what I was feeling.

Jenn

 
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Old 10-17-2004, 08:44 PM   #2
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

I am not to sure what to say to you other than I understand the feelings that you have for him. You say he is with the "boyz", & that pot seems more importnt to him than you do. Did you give him the "It's that or me?". When you met him, you liked him for the way he was, now he see's that you are attmepting to change him. he may of talked about your discission with his "boyz", & that the response you are getting now may be fueled by them. They do not want to loose him as well. He seems to want to have the relationshio before, when there was no attempt of "fixing him", shared who he was, not looking for you to fix him, but accept him for & what he is & about. (we all look for that) THe Holidays are on the way again, I am worried about the both of you. THe only way that I see any relationshio, is try not to change him, accept him. As long as you disagree with his lifestyle, (no matter if you are attempting to suggest the right thing), his defense will always be up, ben there & done that, good luck, & let me know how you are doing. ?)

 
Old 10-18-2004, 05:45 PM   #3
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Unhappy Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

Thanks for the response. I haven't spoken to him since last April. I think about him everyday. He was planning on moving in with his friends before he met me. I never accepted the pot thing. He knew that from day one. I don't regret anything I said to him. What I do regret is him thinking I threw it in his face. That was not my intentions at all. He is a very pained person and it kills me to think that he thinks I added to that. I could not be so cruel. I guess I just tried too hard to help him when he wasn't ready for help. I do care about him greatly. He probably hates me and that kills me. I can only hope that one day he sees my intentions were to never attack him or change him...just help him see himself as the better person he showed me. I go to therapy for my depression... he smokes. We are just at two different phases of trying to help ourselves. I guess I expected too much w/out realizing I was expecting anything. Deep down my intentions weren't to control or change....just to help believe in himself. Me against his world.

 
Old 10-18-2004, 06:30 PM   #4
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

~` Howdy again, the best you can do now is send him a card, (maybe for the holiday?), & just let him know that you were thinking about him, nothing less or more, & that will let him know that are still thinking of him, so if the time comes, he will know that you are there to support him. I am glad to hear you are in therapy, thats great, was else do you do?, school, work, hobbies?, I hope you have a good support system around you, also what part of the country do you live?, I am in AZ, moved here about a year ago from Rhode Island, but a native New Yorker. I hope to hear from you, Peace sent in your direction, Kirsten

 
Old 10-19-2004, 04:32 AM   #5
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

hey there! i'm a native new yorker. grew up in richmond hill, queens. now live on the island. i've thought so many times about sending him something but i don't want him to jump down my throat. in the past it's been "we were only together a month." yet he told me i was the best person to come into his life in years. unless that was a line, my gutt tells me he had pretty strong feelings..maybe just as strong as i did...regardless of whether it was just a month. do you think he hates me? do you think one day he'll understand my intentions? i get ****** at myself because i feel dumb for not being over something that happened 1 1/2 years ago and was just a month. part of depression i guess. i'm a 2nd grade teacher...getting ready for work now. been pretty tired lately due to depression. trying to get myself back up and running. how old are you? i hit the gym about 4-5 times a week. like to write but don't write as much anymore. [ removed ] well i have 17 7 year olds calling my name. gotta get the coffee (which i never used to like until i started teaching) and hit the rainy roads. thank you so much for taking time to help me with this. hope to talk to you soon.

jenn (it's 6:30am.....)

Last edited by moderator2; 10-19-2004 at 06:19 AM. Reason: please carefully review the posting rules - no emails

 
Old 10-20-2004, 09:30 AM   #6
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

Please don't think that you did anything wrong, or that it was your fault. Remember that you did this because you love him and care for him. We as addicts are famous for making reasons and excuses for using the drugs that we choose to use. I also suffer depression, which has been successfully treated, however I tended to overthink things when I get into a depression. It sounds that you are over analyzing this situation when in fact it is very simple. He does not want to give up the drugs, so he lashes out because he feels guilt about chosing a path that he knows is not right. When you go to sleep at night feel confident that you stood up for something that you believed in, and that you are strong enough, caring enough and together enough not to back down about something that you truly believe is going to harm him. I take my hat off to you, my friend, there are many people out there that enable addicts to stay loaded because they love them, however sometimes those people are an addicts worse enemy, you did exactly what you needed to do for someone that you love. Don't worry about his statement about throwing it in his face.....I don't believe he thinks that, it is his addict mind talking... he knows the truth..he knows that you care and want to help him. Be strong.

 
Old 10-20-2004, 06:51 PM   #7
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. No matter if I was wrong or not, I still don't like having people annoyed at me. I'm weak that way. Your words truly made me feel a lot better. I may have to print it and keep reading it to myself. I hope one day he (if he doesn't already) realizes I only wanted to help.

Jenn

 
Old 10-21-2004, 11:18 AM   #8
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

I think it is good that you only wanted to help...and if you were honest and up front then he should be lucky that you even care enough to be that in his life. I am an addict too...my man walked on me because he could not stand the '' binges'' I go on. I am the '' denial type''.. have all the trimmings: the clothes, the pretty things, hair, nails and the mask of a good career. But still when I go off I really go! My last binge caused my man to abolish all contact with me until yesterday. He called and said he would like to meet me and give me closure...so I agreed, as I wanted to apologize for my last episode and finally admit to him that he was right all along, I AM an addict and I NEED help. ( I have never admitted it before). Anyway, we met and I cried and cried, and read him a letter that has taken me weeks to write to him. He told me he will not leave me like all the others, he will go with me to meetings, BUY ONLY as a friend. He said he hopes I understand that he loves me but cannot be anything else to me than a friend. But then...he tried to kiss me on the lips and he was saying how much he misses me and all this romantic stuff...later....he asked me to go home with him and make love, saying he misses me and needs me. I was SO confused and I told him no.l I also told him that right now I cannot accept his offer as just friends as I have my own friends and I still love him too much and cannot bear just being a friend. Then I left. Last night he called me twice, once left a message at 11:30 on the pretense he was '' checking in on me'' and later at 1:30 am he called me to again say he wants to see how my night went ( did I enjoy dinner and the theatre with my friends). Then he said he may '' probably'' call me again, he is not sure. I am so confused. Is it me? I love this man...I don't want him out of my life, and I want to heal and stay sober...I know I need to keep taking steps towards looking after myself and I am so confused as to why he is coming back to me, stating he only can offer me friendship ( but wants to go to treatments with me ), he loves me, he can't be with me,...I can't take the confusion and I wonder if he is punishing me. I ended the call by telling him it is best for him to move on and heal too. I want him so much in my love but not as a friend. How can I be a friend to someone I love dearly. And I think it was cruel of him to try to seduce me. Can any one explain what is happening here? I am so confused and fragile I want to take some more Ativan...but I am going out for a walk so I stay strong. Does this happen to co-dependants?

 
Old 10-21-2004, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

Hello..My thoughts on it is that youre trying to work on yourself and have come a long way & dont need anyones negativity bringing you down.I know and understand that you care for him deeply but if he hasnt shown any interest recently,then I suggest you move on..You need to think about yourself and making your life better.I know its hard,but you have to do for you right now.Stay positive and stay strong.

By the way,you mentioned you live on the Island,I take that as being Staten Island?..Im from SI =)
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Old 10-21-2004, 06:16 PM   #10
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Re: Caring about an addict (Long one but please read)

I recently attended the funeral of the 48 yr old man I met when he was only 17. We had a "soulmate" type relationship and I love him to this day.

He was a damaged human being due to his damaged childhood, addiction to alcohol, and addiction to drugs. Love could not come close to fixing these thing, he had no concept of what love was since he had never experienced it in his family growing up.

Within a few years of us breaking up he did finally go to AA, and then to NA where he continued to be active (and sober) for 17 years.

What I want to tell you is that is is OK to love this man, but from afar for right now. If you actively pursue a relationship with a practicing addict you are asking for heartache and a much rougher road in life than you deserve.

This guy & I did keep in touch over the years, but never again as boyfriend/girlfriend.
He died of congestive heart failure at age 48.... probably a direct result of the drug use years before.
He used to speak of me in the open AA meetings as a pivotal person. If my love for him - even though we couldn't be together - led to his recovery as an addict then I say my love did more than if we had stayed together...

 
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