Re: HATING pills
I'm new to this board, here for a fairly different reason. My problem was, and continues to be, stimulant abuse. I'm a neurotic, depressive, good looking, capable, intelligent 23 year old male who went from little to less because I could not stop taking, well, pills.
I've never had any reason to try painkillers before--no injuries or chronic pain, but I would never try them for the heck of it, unless they just fell into my lap. I'm sure I could find a way to get my hands on some opiate-based drug, but the one thing worse than drug addiction is polydrug addiction.
The advantage painkiller users/addicts have over stimulant users/addicts is that-- unless you're using acetaminophen/ibuprofen combo painkillers in high doses--you know you can recover from any "physiological" changes that would seem to occur during or post-addiction. You can avoid major withdrawal syndrome with stimulants, but amphetamines take such a toll on your body that you don't know the extent of the damage you're doing. If you're abusing stimulants, you ARE damaging your insides, even if it's mild, reversible damage that dissipates when you stop.
Long story short, I'm hypersensitive to stimulants in general (caffeine is euphoric in somewhat high doses), and was not able to stop using amphetamines when the adverse effects came on.
SO, even though we're addicts to different drugs, I know just as well as anyone else here how it is so *insanely* difficult to stop using your drug of choice once it has conquered your will. But, you should at least be glad that your drug problem causes little physical damage, and if you want to be free of it, you can return to your ordinary self in a relatively short time. Don't swap one addiction for another, though; I'm living in a terrible state where strange things have happened to my body, and no one can tell what exactly is wrong.
As horrific, terrible, and ludicrous (not to mention mind-boggingly self-destructive) any further usage of amphetamines would be for me, I--like you--still desire this poison every single day. Physical harm *has* definitely happened, and I still am dying for the intellectual, ego-inflated buzz caused by hard stimulants.
In closing, be glad that your demon doesn't torture your body as much as it tortures your soul. Do not try illicit stimulants for any reason. I'm young and in a bind I may *still* never get out of, because I used stimulants so long and so improperly that the effects are burned into my mind, and I can never forget it.
I am considering adding Wellbutrin to my daily use of Paxil 30mg to help keep myself clean off stimulants, but get this, ever since I got out of my addiction, drugs do strange things to my mind/body and I can't know what any given substance will do. Steer clear of speed.. and here's hoping you can find a way to cure your addiction.