You don't know me, but I sure feel like I know you...I was one of those who read from afar yet never posted...you know the type, the lurker! I had been reading this board for probably over a year before I joined about 4 months ago. Once in awhile--even further back than that (like 2 years or more, maybe?)--I used to read this board when even you were somewhat of a "newbie,"
and you had a thread going about your hydro addiction. As that was my drug of choice, it caught my eye, and that was the first thread I followed here. I always wondered about you and the others with whom you were corresponding (I mostly recall your converstations with Philster, Rudder, Jeri, and others whom I can't remember at the moment) and I was so intrigued by the commaraderie (sp?) and encouragement and support that I saw being shared here, that I finally stopped lurking and joined in this last summer.
From what I remember about you and my reading of it from behind the scene, if I am right, you had around a 30+ a day vike habit going on (but then I remember you offering the board an apology of sorts as your habit was actually quite a bit more than that, and I am thinking it was more in the 50/day area? PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, though, okay!? I remember how very worried you were about how the others here would think of you, yet you continued to receive the same supportive, encouraging posts I have found offered to me since I came here.
In all honesty, it is this board and its members that deserves the credit for my finally putting the pills away and my beginning treatment. My story is long and scattered all around the place, and it was on a night filled with suicidal thoughts and enough pills and booze to probably have done it right, that I made my first post. I quickly rec'd a reply from Michelle (John 3:16), and we talked for quite awhile that nigh--which now seems so very long ago and like it was a different person than me talking. Because of Michelle's care and interest in my well-being that night, along with many others, I've been alive and well and posting away ever since!
Funny how I didn't think of posting on this board as my taking a "step," though, you know? But in hindsight I can see that it was a very big step...if one were to look at it from the point of view that I'd been reading from behind the screen for so very long, and then a "trigger" went off inside me, and I typed my first thread. I guess what I am trying to say is that to go from lurking to participating was a very big step, at least for me, and it was members like you who had such a strong desire to stop taking the pills that kept me coming around and eventually created in me the urge to talk about my addiction to people who could understand.
All attempts at c/t and tapering failed, so after much research and reading the input I asked for from the members here, I decided to go on methadone. I considered Sub, but the cost was prohibitive. It feels great to not be thinking constantly of pills, pills, pills! I do flash back to the feelings of the high and the euphoria, but my kids and my well being and health...along with a sizable stack of bills...brings me back to reality.
Well, I didn't mean to ramble on so, especially since we've never corresponded before! I just really wanted to say "hi" to one of the people on this board who, without knowing it, was creating a desire in a person somewhere out in cyber-land to get off this craziness and start living a different kind of life, and I wanted to thank you for that, too. I see you don't post as much since your difficult time with the Sub and the very real pain issues that you also have to deal with, but I hope that you will send me some of that "positive energy" you so often wrote about
Congratulations on doing so well...you sure have come a long way, and it wasn't an easy time of it either. One more thing...I remember you were going to a counselor and a lot of meetings...do you find the meetings helpful? Or do you run into people who think if you're on the Sub or the Methadone, that you're just trading in one drug for anther? I would like to find a meeting to go, but the thought of that keeps me away, I think (either that, or it's one heck of a great excuse, LOL!)
Hope to talk to you again, and I'm glad I was able to get to intoduce myself to someone I feel I've known for a very, very long time...