Alcohol Slip and my growth
Originally when I went to AA I went in support of my live-in boyfriend. I attended many AA meetings to support him and to learn more about the disease first hand from those in recovery. I've attended many of them. I've also attended Al-Anon mtgs. just for me.
Strange thing is, I felt more comfortable and 'got more out of' the AA mtgs. versus Al-Anon mtgs. What I observed in Al-Anon was the poor-poor pitiful me victim thing among the women. Please, do not misunderstand. To these women, they were grateful for the program they had and it was what they needed. I believe the reason I viewed it as the victim thing was because I was realizing that I too, perhaps had alcohol related things in my own life that I needed to look at and perhaps the victim role was not really my issue. I needed to come to terms with that and through attending AA mtgs. I've begun to address issues that I needed to tend to. What a surprise it was for me, but, it put me on the track where I belonged. I began to question if I am an alcoholic and if perhaps I needed help in that respect. I have no problem admitting that I abused it, drove when I shouldn't have, had blackouts. My life had not yet become unmanageable (until of course I met my very active boyfriend at the time). I know that only I can answer if I am an alcoholic or not. Maybe that will come in time.
But, it seemed to me that I needed to realize that I was not just a victim of his abuse (both verbal and physical), but that I contributed to it by partaking in agruments when we both were under the influence, or even if just he was. I did the begging, the pleading and the crying, hoping that he would change. Not until recently did I discover the only person I can change is myself.
I had always asked him if he minded me going to meetings with him or if he would prefer to go by himself. (I only attended the open meetings). I suggested that maybe he could go to a mens only meeting while I go to Al-Anon, just so we could have at least 1 meeting that would be different. He ALWAYS responded, no, I like going to meetings with you. And as long as you don't mind and are getting something out of it, I have no problem at all with us going to meetings together.
Well, after 100 days or so, he had a slip. I caught him lying to me for the second time about numberous phone calls to his ex (they do not have children together). (She drinks heavily, but it's not for me to say if she is an alcoholic or not. I do believe he referenced while they were married that they both did cocaine.) I admit, in the heat of anger, I said alot of hurtful things to him that I shouldn't have. I have apologized, said I was wrong, and shown him that since then when we disagree, I handle it much differently, much calmer and kinder. He has responded by relapsing, taking money from her, lying even more to me about it and bought both booze and cocaine with the money she gave him.
He claims his reasons for talking to her was to apologize for how he left. But, does it really take over 180 phone calls to make ammends to 1 person? Then he said he needed someone to talk to. I suggested that maybe his sponser or other AA people in the program might be better choices than a current user whose intention is to take him away from me because she is angry that he fell in love with me. He doesn't seem to think she has any motive for speaking to him other than friendship. But how do you explain that she even wanted to see him on what would have been their anniversary? I don't buy this 'just friends' thing at all and he knows it and can't defend it.
He has seen me grow quite a bit and that I have begun to change my attitude and how I deal with situations. He also sees that I have several AA people that I contact in-between meetings, both male and female. NOW he says that since he's stopped going to meetings is because that way I wouldn't go and form new male friendships (he originally didn't mind the female relationships). Also, he now says that I took away his sobriety, I took away his meetings because he didn't feel comfortable talking about me with other AA people. He is suspicious of every man I talk to and every woman as well.
Could it be that since he went back out and is under mind altering substances that he feels so badly about himself while he sees that I'm doing much better that he feels jealous and the jealousy he feels towards the people I speak with are just a reflection of his inability to reach out and form relationships? He admits that he has only called his sponser once.
Tonight he packed a bag and left. He was noticably under the influence. I didn't try to hide his keys or stop him. I did however mention to him, his current condition and reminded him that since he got his license back, if he gets even so much as a speeding ticket, let alone a DWI, that he automatically loses his license for a very long period of time. That didn't seem to matter. He told me I love you and I told him that I love him too but, I sill let him go. I'm afraid he might get hurt and hurt others. God, I hope that I did the right thing. I think it's called detachment and letting go.
Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Gianna
Last edited by Gianna2; 10-27-2004 at 06:05 PM.