I hear the honesty in your post and I commend you for it. You're being honest about trying to fight the urge. It's ok and perfectly natural to have those urges. But it's what you do about those urges, or rather, what you 'don't do' about those urges that really counts. And you are sharing this here which is great for support. But I would like to share a few comments and suggestions with you if I may.
Your wrote: I seriously contemplated going out to my local yocal bar after they dropped me off and said goodbye...I thought how easy it would be and how none of them would ever know...but I prayed and pulled myself back.
You did the right thing by praying and by doing such, look at the result....you didn't drink! I felt that way too when I got the urge....who would know? Well, I decided that "I" would know, and my "Higher Power" would know. At that particular moment, that was enough and it worked for me.
You wrote: I have had blackouts before, and the worst part is how ill I get the next day. I have had strange stuff happen like numbness in my hands and feet, heart palpitations, dizziness, nausea and headaches to name a few. I hate that feeling, but I dont learn.
Been there...done that....I agree, all those things are horrible but you say you don't learn? Oh you were learning alright....you just weren't ready to do anything about it at that particular time. I firmly believe that not one of us makes a change or takes an action until we are ready to
! Now it would appear that you are ready!
You wrote: Do any of you drink socially? I am a binge drinker, but I read somewhere that there are 8 different types of alcoholics. I can go without it, but as soon as I get to a bar...I start and I go off drinking mixed drinks....
I read somewhere that people who were treated for alcoholism by doctors said a very small percentage of people (maybe less that 10%) can resume drinking socially after a period of time. If that's true, then that means that 90% of those that 'thought
they could resume drinking socially' can't!!! In my opinion, those odds are much too dangerous to risk!
You wrote: It is not that I am afraid of telling folks '' no I do not drink'' ( I have been doing that all week and they have all indugled in front of me).
Hopefully the people in AA have suggested changing people and places and you may just have to blow off your regular friends right now while the urge is still with you. I don't know how long you are in your sobriety, but, if associating with the same people in the same places is making it difficult for you, for right now, "you" have to change those things which will lead to temptation for you, because "you" and only "you" are responsible for "you".
In my opinion, if my friends truly cared about me, they would not indulge themselves in front of me at this point, or at least be willing to gather where there is no booze. But by the same token, they have the right to live their lives as they see fit. I'm not saying you have to totally give up on your friends, I'm just saying that you may need to back away from them right now, especially in an atmosphere of alcohol. It's your choice if you care to explain to them why you need to temporarily pull away from them. Personally, I would tell them. And guess what, it just could be that if your friends "think" they might have a problem with booze, they will see your progress and begin asking you questions for themselves! Our Higher Power works through other people and ourselves!
Do you have an AA sponser? Do you have a home group? Do you have a list of AA people that you can call in between meetings? If yes, utilize them immediately. If not, get some, immediately!
Plan to attend a night meeting or 2 this weekend and don't be afraid to talk in the meetings about your desire/urge to drink. Tell people you are afraid with Halloween parties coming up that you don't know for sure if you can handle it. In this instance, your fear is a good thing because it's trying to help you by telling you that perhaps you shouldn't be with those people in that environment right now. It's giving you a warning, and suggesting that you make a choice, a good choice for you! Heed the warning!
Get to the meetings early and stay late after the meetings so that you can talk to people. It's important that you associate with people that have what you want....sobriety! Ask someone or several people in AA if they would make plans with you to go out together during Halloween (costumes are optional
I bet soup to nuts that if you ask for help from AA members that someone will be available to spend some time with you. Ask if they would like to join you for a cup of coffee at a diner, see a movie, go bowling, go shopping, whatever! Who knows, maybe by you reaching out to someone for assistance, you may be helping someone that has the same fear as you do. When you help others, you also help yourself. Here's an example......
There was a woman in a mtg. I never saw before. She said it's difficult to get to meetings during the day because everybody works. Well, right now I'm out of work and because I was grateful for my boyfriend's sobriety (hadn't yet conclusively determined I had a problem), I wanted to give something back. I reached out to her after the meeting and have been giving her rides to some of the meetings ever since. The plus side of this is: I helped someone get to meetings that needed help, AND, I found someone that gave really good advice when my boyfriend went out again and I needed a safe place to stay. We are helping each other!
That's great that you signed up for a Spanish course, which you said is something you always wanted to do. That's something new that you can immerse yourself in and it could be very useful. This may sound a little corny but I'll risk it. You're learning the new language of Spanish because you are now learning the new language of sobriety!
Please Keep sharing here and keep going to meetings.
Best of luck to you and hold onto your honesty....it will help you more than you'll ever know!
Thanks for letting me share!