It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-28-2004, 12:47 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 667
Sarandipity HB User
Smile Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Hey Gianna! Im Sara, Ive been reading your posts and you have some great ideas about recovery. Im 38 days sober, went to Rehab, and finally feel good in my own skin.

How long have you been in AA? My boyfriend whom Ive been dating for 3 yrs is an addict, and he went to rehab a year ago. He came home happy, joyous, and free. For a year, I was in denial, judging him and "how could he be an addict and alcoholic!" when the whole time I was poping pain meds. It's only because of God's grace I got there. And because of the people on this board; Dallas Alice, Twinlynn, Best Friend (twin), Chris, Baseball, LisaHubb, and many others.

I am on my 8th step, and still going back doing more 4th and 5th steps, because as my memorey comes back- Im finding more and more resentments.

Somethin Funny: Im only 38 days sober, so YOU KNOW there are single pills floating around, just havent found em yet. Well yesterday I found one- I was digging in my ashtray for money and found a single SOMA. I just shut it real fast and in my Women's AA meeting I raised my hand when they asked if there were any burning desires; I told them about the Soma in my ashtray... they all went out to my truck, got the SOMA and crushed it w/ their shoes on the cement. Too funny.

Write sometime, would love to hear about your experience.

(Smile),
Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 10-28-2004, 01:29 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 72
Gianna2 HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Hi Sara,

I've been in AA with my boyfriend since the beginning of July of this year. I originally went to be supportive of him. After bouncing back and forth between AA and AL-Anon, and some intense 'listening, reading and soul-searching', I felt more comfortable at AA.

I already new that at times, I drank too much. I have no problem admitting that I abused alcohol. I think it, no, "I allowed it" to get out of control when all my boyfriend wanted to do was hang out in bars. I couldn't get him to go out to the park to teach me roller-blading (ok, we did that, but only once), or take the dogs for a walk in the country, or go to any restaurant that didn't have a bar. Apparently, I played the part of, and volunteered to be a victim. But, the fact still remains, I didn't have to drink whenever he did, but I usually did. I never blamed him for my drinking, ever! Just like I didn't force him to drink, he didn't force me to drink either.

So many times I cut back my drinking because I "needed to take care of him" when he passed out. You know, while he was passed out, put out his ciggie so he wouldn't burn himself or the couch, take the booze filled glass from his hand so he didn't spill it on himself or the floor, stop him from almost falling over the balcony when he had to relieve himself, help him find the correct door to come back into. Someone had to be responsible. I can't believe I did these things. God, how easy I made it for him. But, I couldn't stop him. Physically, he's so much stronger than I am. Ok, so maybe I should have let the ciggie burn his fingers and let him wake up and put it out....but, the consequence to that is he could have dropped it on the sheets or the couch and caused a fire!

After doing all of these things for him, sometimes I felt like I needed a reward and it was his turn to take care of me if I over did it. Sure, like he was really capable of making that happen! So much for my clarity in thinking. So slowly, I began to wean myself off of it. I found that 2 glasses of beer were all that I could handle, not alcohol wise, but beer is rather filling. I spent more time running to the bathroom because beer goes right through me. And, I could nurse 2 beers for about 2 hours. It was my 2 beers vs. his 7 or 8 plus however many vodkas he would have....usually around 4 or 5. Then, would have to deal with whatever he would pick up on the way home.

However, I've been with other people, (i.e., friends, co-workers, ex relationships) and there was plenty of drinking going on. But, there was never any physical abuse of any kind at any time. Not even a hint of it. Not true with my current boyfriend. Won't go into details....but just think of an angry drunk who can be provoked with just the slightest look. Yes, maybe I provoked a drunk, but, there is never a reason to hit someone, choke someone, or throw things at someone. Never!

Anyway, I've been questioning if I am an alcoholic or not. What I figured instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn't, I would keep going to both meetings, practicing the steps (I'm only still working on 1-3), and keeping an open mind.

I 'think' I can honestly say that I am not an alcoholic, BUT, I was well on my way. Maybe I'm in denial, but if that's the case, I trust that in time, or rather my Higher Power's time, I'll be able to admit it, if it is true. I don't think I need to judge this in black and white, but rather shades of gray. I do believe there are stages to alcoholism and I think that I was well on my way to the advanced beginning level, if there is such a thing. I guess it depends who you talk with. Again, I'm not interested in black or white, either you are or you aren't mentalities. I'm more interested in what I'm doing to help better myself whether or not I can conclusively confirm yes or no!

If I may, please let me share this with you. My boyfriend had about 100 days or so in the program.....he went back out....and moved out of our apartment last night. Considering the condition he was in when he left, I don't know if he is dead or alive. Haven't heard from him and I haven't called him. I thought about taking his keys, but knew better than to provoke him when he gets like that. And by me trying to take his keys would provoke him. Been there, done that, paid the price for it too. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that he could be injured, dead, and possibly injured others while driving. But I had to let him go and suffer his own consequences. But if he ended up hurting someone else, I wouldn't blame the families of that victim(s) to be angry with me for not trying to stop him. I know I would initially feel that way if a drunk hurt/killed one of my loved ones. I am trying so hard to put it out of my head and ask my Higher Power to take this from me, or, show me how to better deal with it.

Anyway, this is an exammple of his state of mind a couple of days ago. He "claims I took away his sobriety", stalked my car when I was at an AA meeting, saw that I was walking out of the meeting with 2 women, drove by and in front of everyone yelled out to me "you make me drunk, even when I'm sober!" When I got home, he swears he saw me sneak out of the meeting with another man, and, swears that the 2 women I was walking out at the end of the meeting with were men. It scares me to think that nothing I say to him he will believe if he can't even believe his own eyes.

Anyway, I'm happy that you are happy! It sounds like you are really enjoying the benefits that you are reaping.

My best to you,

Gianna

Last edited by Gianna2; 10-28-2004 at 01:37 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-28-2004, 02:09 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 667
Sarandipity HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Hi again Ms. Gianna,

Sounds so familiar! When me and my boyfriend first got together 3 years ago, we did the same stupid things; yelled at each other, cheated on each other, used drugs together, and would purposly break up w/each other so we could Isolate and "use" or "drink". But we knew we loved each other. It was that we were both very "sick" w/ the disease of alcoholism and addiction. I was exactly in your shoes minus the hitting, pushing, or throwing (but like I said we cheated on each other.) - then I let him go.. I broke up w/ him. And he smoked crack for a week strait. Then he checked himself in a rehab- he had hit the bottom. So Im glad I felt him- cuz he's a different person now because he hit rock bottom.

He is now in Alanon. And AA, and CA. After we both went to rehab, we are so different than what we used to be like. There is no lying, or if there is I call him right away and tell him the truth. We are so calm now. And when I look back I can't believe some of the things I did or he did. But when we are so close to God, Forgivness feels good, and it's not as hard to do as it was when I was drinking and doing drugs. Ok Im starting to repeat myself.

Stay close to your Sponsor, pray to God and sit there very still and listen for a response... ask God what you should go and just listen. It's the coolest thing. The answer might now come to you right that very second. But when you least expect it you will hear the answer.

Please let me know how you are doing. Youre right, it's never okay for someone to mentally or physically hurt you. Being sunk in the DISEASE- your mid brain is telling you that drugs or alcohol is more important than eatting, sleeping, having relationships, or sex. I have a cd I got from a speaker at rehab at sober by the sea. It's called "addiction, a disease?" I bet you could get it. It's so good- it explains the bio part of it all.

Thinking of you,

Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 10-28-2004, 02:38 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 72
Gianna2 HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Hi Sara,

I find that what you said about purposely breaking up to use or drink again is very interesting. I wonder if that's what he's up to. I know that he told me he used to purposely pick a fight with his ex so he could have a 'rational' excuse to go out drinking again.

I never cheated on him. I threatened to (I know, that was wrong of me to say), but I never did. Never had a desire to. I was so into making this relationship better. But one person can't do all the work! I wish I could say the same for him. Due to the over 180 phone calls to his ex, I suspect he did cheat on me. I did catch them together (she was driving behind his truck - - he 'claimed' he was working late) and she did give him money (not sure if she gave him anything else if you catch my drift). He claims the money was to help cover bills, but all I know is that he came home with cocaine the very next day (or maybe she gave him the cocaine that day and I just didn't find it until the next day). I could drive myself crazy thinking of all the possibilities here. Maybe she represents to him what he used to be (before sobriety) and she accepts and encourages him to use again, which must be very attractive to him...I don't know...I'm just guessing here.

I will pray more clearly to my Higher Power again. Right now, all I need and want to know is that he is not dead and not injured. Those are the 2 most important things to me right now.

I wish you and your boyfriend continued peace. Maybe one day I'll get there. But as you know, it takes alot of patience, commitment, honesty and perserverance. Good actions bring about good changes. You and your boyfriend are proof of that.

Blessings to you both,

Gianna

 
Old 10-28-2004, 03:03 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 667
Sarandipity HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Gianna,

Yes, I have something for you to read if you want... It's called when med's b come dangerous by drew pinsky, I know, you and your honey do not do meds' but it applies to alcoholics too. It explains the lengths you will go through to get high and then it gives solutions. I think right now would be a perfect time for you to read it. And later you can use it to help other addicts and alcoh.

You will make yourself crazy with "guessing" whats going on in his head. I did the same thing. You can't tell yourself to stop. But you can also remember that YOU can not change anyone. And to try is just going to make you insane.

In the big book it says : NO HUMAN POWER could help me w/ my disease. It is spiritual and only the person w/ the disease can make the decision to want it bad enough.

One thing I discovered while in treatment is seeing the people whose family did an intervention and "placed" them in rehab- they didn't WANT to get sober so they played and hung out and didn't take anything seriously- and they went out and got drunk again. But the people who actually hit there bottom before going to rehab and decided they wanted to be sober and realized their way was not working out.. I was willing to do anything to get sober. If they would have told me to stand on my head and whistle I would have if that's what it took. But unless you are truely ready- you can't bring a horse to water and expect it to drink even if it's dying from thurst- the horse has to want to drink.

I can't say I never think about what it would feel like to get hammered again and forget about my problems. I just replace that thought with something else and then ask God to take away my obsession to drug.

You would be surprised at the outcome if you just let things happen and quit trying to control it. That is the way it should be. If you do force something to happen the outcome will not be a positive one.

Can you check on him through a friend or one of his relatives? I called my boyfriend's father after two weeks of not talking to him and having a nightmare where he came to me in my sleep and said " Ive done the worst possible drugs you can do and you are going to wake up crying in your sleep everynight in pain " I called his Dad the next day and found out he had done crack for 7 days strait and was held up in his apt, and the his Dad took him to rehab. He was ready.. ya see- he had reached his bottom. He could see death and insanity and wanted out.

He looks so different now. And he is co- dependent becuase like your boyfriend treats you/.... I was pushing him out of my life just so I could be alone where no one could tell me what to do or what not to do. Its a gift that Im here talking to positively about it and that I can help someone else.

Please write if you need to and I will check back in a bit.

God bless you both. Try to pray and ask God questions and see what you hear!

I wish the best for both of you and pray for all the alcoholics and addicts that are still suffering.

Love,
Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 10-28-2004, 03:54 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 72
Gianna2 HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Hi again Sara,

I will look up the book that you suggested.

I have just recently learned how not to control. It was through 'surrender' and 'acceptance' that I learned not to control. At least I think I'm not controlling...time will tell.

I didn't stop him from leaving last night, all I did was point out the possible consequences if he did leave and got pulled over by the police. But, I didn't stop him. I don't think that's controlling. But maybe it wasn't my place to point out the consequences to him and let him think of that on his own. OK - - I still have alot to learn.

I don't think that his 1 friend that I know of or his family will give me the time of day because of what he has said to them under the influence. His ex - wife who hates me because he fell in love with me has certainly given them all an earful too. You see, everyone (with the exception of his Dad as far as I know) blame me for his drinking and subsequent demise. When he got upset with me, he would call her crying. Just like before he left her, he would call me up crying about her to me. Never mind that his ex came home drunk in front of him repeatedly. Never mind that he had quit drinking and went back out for over 7 years while he was married to her. And in my opinion, his sister has been his greatest enabler too.

I tried calling his father 2 days ago when he stated he wanted to die. He has been suicidal before and thought that was too much for me to bear alone, plus I'm not qualified to handle it. I thought that giving his father a head's up to his state of mind would be a good thing. Not to tattle on him, but just to alert his father to a potentially serious problem....suicidal thoughts. His father never called me back even though I said it was about him and it's serious. So, that leaves me no one to call for information.

I prayed a little while ago, now I just have to sit back and wait for some kind of answer.

That was kind of eerie about the dream you had and what your boyfriend was going through at the time. I would have called his father too!

I'm glad it's all working out for you.

Think I'll have 1 more cup of coffee and then make dinner. Maybe if I get involved in something different I can stop pondering his welfare and tend to my own.

Thanks for your insights my new friend!

Gianna

 
Old 10-28-2004, 06:46 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 667
Sarandipity HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Gianna,
Hi again, I in the middle of making dinner myself and giving baths. I read you post and the part about your boyfriend being suicidal means that he is scared among other things. I did the same thing when my life was spinning out of control. It can get better! I promise. This is just flash in your life... things will work out. Just stay close to God and I promise they will. I know I have this disease because God wanted me back. Our relationship is strong now. I have a lot to learn and just because I just got out of rehab does not mean Im doing GREAT! Im still the same selfish Sara, just "under construction" now, and headed in the right direction.

My boyfriend wrote me this when I was feeling very depressed two years ago,
maybe this will help you while your feeling down while your boyfriend is feeling suicidal:

NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL TODAY, TOMORROW, OR FOR A WHOLE MONTH AND EVEN A YEAR, there is a future in which you will be free from these pains and worries and all of your problems today will be but distant memories. These memories will seem more like a dream and will have no power over you or the wonderful life you will have created for yourself with the help from God and the people he has sent to your as company on your journey.

When you feel most alone, you would be surprised to find that these may be the times when those around your are the most focused on you and on helping you through those dark days. Make a conscious effort during these times to point out these "angels" to yourself. You will find comfort in discovering that they have not abandoned you... even when you have taken uncounscious measures to drive them away.

Lastly (at least for now), you should know that I personally won't let you drift away or give-up. Even if you truly desired to give up, which you don't, I would stand in the way like Mt. Everest. It is my mission to make sure you walk on through all of this so that you can look back on these days as something that had to happen so that you could grow and appreciate what lies on the other side.

Expect a miracle...
They're not so hard to come by. You are one.

And, most importantly, don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

Goodnight my new friend,

Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara

 
Old 10-29-2004, 05:45 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 72
Gianna2 HB User
Re: Gianna: re: AA and being sober

Oh Sara,

That made me cry. It was so beautiful. You are so lucky to have someone in your life that loves you like that. Well, maybe it's not luck, maybe it's because you are so deserving of someone like that in your life that it's the reason why he is in your life. I'm not envious, because I would never want to take that from you (I believe that's sort of the definition of envious), but, I would also like to have that from my boyfriend, and I don't.

I would have responded last night, but.......here is a lesson in being careful about what you pray for because you just might get it.

I prayed all day yesterday to know if my bf was dead or alive. My prayers were answered....even more than I asked for when he walked in the door...drunk and with a whole new bottle of vodka to make love to!

He admitted spending the night with his ex on the couch but nothing happened...uh huh! Right, I really believe that nothing happened! But you know what....I wasn't jealous because misery loves company, and in my opinion, they are both sick, and, well, there was nothing I could do about it anyway.

He wanted to talk....kept on saying, but I love you, I need you, I missed you, I miss our life together....we're good together, you are so good for me, you are the only sober person I know.....blah, blah, blah.

I kept trying to telling myself, not to try to talk to a drunk. I may as well have picked up the bottle of vodka and began talking to it for all the sense he wasn't making. I suggested he write his feelings down on paper and we could discuss them then when he was sober, but I wan't going to get into anything while he was drunk!

Eventually, he passed out...or so I thought. The phone rang and it was his father. I talked to him about his son's relapse, etc. Then all of a sudden, the bedroom door burst open and a mad man entered the room. He began pushing me and shoving me over and over again until I lost my balance and he pushed me onto this hard chair which tipped over, hitting my spine and the back of my head where it joins my neck. The whole time his father heard me screaming, "It's your father on the phone!", "don't!", "no!", "stop!", "help me!"!... It was awful. He grabbed the phone from my hand and hung it up. I locked the bedroom door. I heard that he went out on the deck. The phone rang again and when I answered it I saw that he was on the couch (apparently he just opened the deck door, but didn't go out). It was his father on the phone and I gave the phone to him.

Now his story has changed as I hear him saying to his father..."she's the worst thing that ever happened to me, I have to get away from her, she's making me crazy, she ruined my life"! At some point, they ended the conversation.

I turned the tv on in the bedroom so that he couldn't hear me calling his father. His father said that for my own safey, I should leave him. He said his son has a pattern of this drinking/violence thing and has for a very long time. I told his father that I loved his son, and also told him about his reference to suicide and his cocaine use and that he got the money to buy it from his ex. He doesn't know what to do about his son, and quite frankly it sounds like he's washing his hands of it. We will touch bases with each other later today.

Oh, forgot to mention, his ex wife called 3 times last night. I didn't want the phone to wake him once he was asleep. I figured as long as he was asleep, I was safe. I finally answered it. She was drunk and she told me to leave him alone. When I explained to her that when he left, I didn't stop him, but, he came back, she called me a _ _ _ hole and hung up on me. Yet another example of why I shouldn't try to talk with another bottle of booze!!

Later he awoke and said his ex was nice to him and took care of him last night because he was sick. It seems to me, he thinks that taking care of him and being nice to him is defined by giving him whatever his little heart desires at the time. That's not loving.....that's hurting him.

I am viewed by him as a mean, horrible _ itch, because I hold him responsible for his decisions and don't kiss _ utt anymore. I.E......"honey, can you set the alarm for me in the morning so I'm not late for work. I'm too drunk to do it myself". My response, "you know where the alarm clock is and how to set it. If you can't do it and you oversleep, you will have to call your boss in the am and tell him that you'll be late". After much moaning and groaning how about mean I was and being told where to go and what I should do once I get there.....he got up and set the alarm clock all by his self! I'm sure his ex wife would have done it for him. If that's what he wants....I perfectly willing to let him go and have her.

I don't have any children by choice, and I certainly don't want an over-grown one now. Sounds mean.....but I mean it!

Thanks for letting me vent....yet again.

Blessings to you and yours,


Gianna

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Any other young people trying to stay sober?? Nicci57 Addiction & Recovery 2 09-29-2009 09:56 PM
I'm a sober Alki SoWendy Addiction & Recovery 8 09-25-2009 11:10 PM
Being schizophrenic at parties Zoe Schizophrenia 10 12-19-2006 10:15 PM
29 Days sober and always in a good mood now.... maradam Addiction & Recovery 5 11-04-2006 02:10 PM
Enabling or being supportive? What's the difference? jackiespenser Addiction & Recovery 12 06-29-2005 12:16 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Hydrocodone
Lortab
Methadone
Oxycontin
Percocet
  Tylenol
Ultram Valium
Vicodin
Xanax




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (150), katlin09 (108), reachout (100), Wendy88 (36), second go (36), oxygirl (34), corissa3 (32), Tysmom1 (24), icehouse3z (24), bolter (21)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1007), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (851), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:03 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!