Thank you GoddessGirl - Addiction & Recovery Message Board

ginni65 · 12-01-2004, 03:43 PM

Thank you GoddessGirl,
You are also an inspiration for me too. Sean and I talk very regularly on the phone. At least 5 times daily, but he just doesnt get it. Just last night he was boasting about how much he was doing, it saddens me greatly. I would love to be HIS inspiration but that is something he will havta figure out for himself. He is in a relationship with some single mum in Melbourne that also uses, ex dealer in fact, she was ringin ME regularly for advice on how to better her relationship with HIM!!!!! Now theres a twisted situation!!!!!! Thank God Im not apart of it anymore, seriously!!! Again keep up the good work you guys are doing, sounds awesome!!! I didnt go on anything, just had to resort to will power, wasnt much I could do.... Be safe and at peace, be happy and stop to smell those roses, GoddessGirl xx

goddessgrl65 · 12-02-2004, 07:10 AM

Gianna-
That was really sweet..you've been thru so much..i can only imagine..
You pulled it together-took care of your children..alot of people would have gone down the tubes..but you got clean..its not as easy as it looks.
How weird-that his girl-would be calling you-and it must be hard listening to him talk about using..it still weirds me out-when i talk to people and they rap about getting high..
but..im so glad im not using-i pray everyday..and thank the Goddess for keeping me out of it..
I was addicted to heroin for close to 8 yrs-on/off-some breaks-and after we were clean for 2 yrs we relapsed-and my husband Od'd..there was no phone..we were w/friends..they helped me save him-i had post traumatic stress from that incident-and would get totally paranoid after that-when we used..it still was hard stopping-
ive lost several friends from dope-i can't believe they are gone..you must feel the same way-how does that ****-strike down a strong living person-
But somehow we have made it thru-and i really dig the online support-i come here everyday-its like my "morning meeting"-this is a great place...so many really nice people..
So-how do you feel about-letting this man(your ex)..go?
Do you need this energy in your life?
You just seem so strong-and resolved..
so glad we met..please tell me a bit about yourself/story..if you feel like it..
peace to you and your family..
ggrl

ginni65 · 12-02-2004, 08:42 PM

Hey Goddess, thanks for taking the time to write back, i really love this site, I agree with you, lol, yes it is my morning meeting too. I have realised that before getting on this site I would struggle and just want that false energy, that is why I went searching for an online site just like this perfect one... I tell ya, I am just feelin so very down today. Really lonely, I really miss my late hubby today, just seems I have never let him go... He passed on 19th May 1999. On paper that seems so long ago but in my head just yesterday. I wonder if he hangs around?
This girlfriend of Sean's rings me, I think, just to "stick it up me", you know that childish thing of Ive got him and you havent anymore, blah blah blah but tries to make out she my new best friend, lol.... Part of me says "have him" but the other part knows who he is without that #$%^ in him... She's good at it but I know what she's doing and I just find myself telling her about getting clean, Im genuine about it and also tell her if she cared about Sean she would help him too. My kids just pine for him so much, and it not that I want him back back, its deeper than that, I like him for him, its just a tragedy in all senses. Like he died too but worse he is still breathing...... Sorry for the waffle, I am really teary eyed to day. Kids and I put Christmas tree up last night and my eldest picked up a bauble and then burst into frustrated tears, "Where's dad!!!! Why isnt he hear!!!! This one's his to put on the tree!!!! Christmas is gunna suck!!! etc. etc. then ran off to his room! Goddess what do you do about that??? There is nothing I can say that I havent said already, he doesnt wanna hear anything from me, nor does he wanna see that phone ring one more time and its him, he wants to just give him a hug and touch, look, and smell him!!!! Really hurts me to core. The smallest one, Kyle (Jesse is older one), he has been a handleful and then some..... Its just so very unfair, when you do the right thing and try to get your life better and you feel better, whhy is it that in order to do that you havta "hurt" your kids or see them hurt???? They blame me exclusively for not having Sean here, they keep asking me to go and make him come back. Even throughout all the drug abuse he was just an awesome dad. He walked in miraculously and exactly 1 year after Greg had died, can you see my dilemma, its a catch twenty-two alright.... Man, I felt like having one today.. :

goddessgrl65 · 12-03-2004, 07:27 AM

Gianna-
im all teary..that was really intense..your story..so much sadness..and feeling.

I can sooo relate to the kids..my Dad although he didn't die..was always leaving the family-coming back-the fighting..anger etc..
But as a child-you just want a "dad'..my mom remarried a couple of times-so much upheaval..i wanted an intact family..
Your kids probably feel the same on certain levels-the father/figure..etc.
Who are they gonna take it out on-MOM..
I am also divorced..but my man/i have been together for 15 years..but my son was blown off by his real Dad-and it caused severe problems-in those teenage years.
Hes 20 now-graduated from High School and works full-time/has a band..it all came together..but those teenage years were very difficult..alot of soul searching..growing..i really can understand how torn you must be..
Children bring out so many emotions-from our past..i always get teary when i think of my son-and his broken-heart.
The loss of your husband is so heavy emotionally-
Maybe-you could sit w/ the oldest and tell him how you feel-that you miss there Dad-that Sean is a nice man-and loves the family but has problems that he needs to work out on his own-that you are there for them-strong and secure-and they can always count on you to be there-that the 3 of you are what matters most-the family.
Have you considered therapy?for you and the kids?
There is free care for those who are low on $$$-thats what i did-hooked up at the local hospital-and got a therapist/Dr.-thru there mental health services.
Best thing i ever did-i am in treatment-focusing on my family/addiction-etc..and im sorting things out..its amazing how much you can learn/grow w/ the right therapist.
Id check it out-the children would benifit too-i went to therapy as a kid-cos of problems in my family-and you know it helped-my addiction issues started around 13 or so-w/ pot etc..but by 19-20-i stopped all partying-and was clean thru out my sons birth and didn't start getting high till i was...35 yrs old!!!Weird huh???
I was touring w/ my band-and took a sniff of dope-in maryland..that was my first mistake..ya know the rock nroll thing..i smoked pot again in my late 20s-but no hard drugs-why did i try it???
Now im 45 yrs old-and trying to recover from heroin-i believe i will-the suboxone has helped get me over the major obsession-but theres much work to be done..
So-what do you think?Does that sound like a good idea to you?Id check it out-i swear its been a life changing experience for me-and i know you would all be able to heal-by finding a communication/strength w/ your kids.
Please call me out anytime-i will be here for you...
Goddess Bless all of you-
Blessed Be..
ggrl