im all teary..that was really intense..your story..so much sadness..and feeling.
I can sooo relate to the kids..my Dad although he didn't die..was always leaving the family-coming back-the fighting..anger etc..
But as a child-you just want a "dad'..my mom remarried a couple of times-so much upheaval..i wanted an intact family..
Your kids probably feel the same on certain levels-the father/figure..etc.
Who are they gonna take it out on-MOM..
I am also divorced..but my man/i have been together for 15 years..but my son was blown off by his real Dad-and it caused severe problems-in those teenage years.
Hes 20 now-graduated from High School and works full-time/has a band..it all came together..but those teenage years were very difficult..alot of soul searching..growing..i really can understand how torn you must be..
Children bring out so many emotions-from our past..i always get teary when i think of my son-and his broken-heart.
The loss of your husband is so heavy emotionally-
Maybe-you could sit w/ the oldest and tell him how you feel-that you miss there Dad-that Sean is a nice man-and loves the family but has problems that he needs to work out on his own-that you are there for them-strong and secure-and they can always count on you to be there-that the 3 of you are what matters most-the family.
Have you considered therapy?for you and the kids?
There is free care for those who are low on $$$-thats what i did-hooked up at the local hospital-and got a therapist/Dr.-thru there mental health services.
Best thing i ever did-i am in treatment-focusing on my family/addiction-etc..and im sorting things out..its amazing how much you can learn/grow w/ the right therapist.
Id check it out-the children would benifit too-i went to therapy as a kid-cos of problems in my family-and you know it helped-my addiction issues started around 13 or so-w/ pot etc..but by 19-20-i stopped all partying-and was clean thru out my sons birth and didn't start getting high till i was...35 yrs old!!!Weird huh???
I was touring w/ my band-and took a sniff of dope-in maryland..that was my first mistake..ya know the rock nroll thing..i smoked pot again in my late 20s-but no hard drugs-why did i try it???
Now im 45 yrs old-and trying to recover from heroin-i believe i will-the suboxone has helped get me over the major obsession-but theres much work to be done..
So-what do you think?Does that sound like a good idea to you?Id check it out-i swear its been a life changing experience for me-and i know you would all be able to heal-by finding a communication/strength w/ your kids.
Please call me out anytime-i will be here for you...
Goddess Bless all of you-