Well today hubby approached me and told me that it is over. He can't stand me anymore, i am a mean, bitter *****, according to him. I am in a bad mood every night, apparently, when he comes home....at 7 or 8...(why shouldn't i feel fowl???? ) He said he is planning to move out and needs to save some money, but won't pay for my older two children anymore. I don't receive any child support from their REAL father, so this should be wonderful since i am a stay at home mother/junkie.......he said he would pay half of child support, and still make my car payment, but the car is in HIS name, so who knows if i will get that taken away or what. ***?!?!?!? I am doing the best i can and told him that opiate addiction robs us addicts of the pleasure part of our brain, leaving us miserable and depressed. Well he said he is just plain sick of it and he doesn't care that i am clean or struggling to maintain my sobriety. He clearly stated that he is not in love with me anymore and hasn't been in 4 years.
I''ll tell ya, my heart is broken, i can truly tell you what it feels like now. I have cried, but tried to maintain around my kids cuz they weren't here when all of this went down and have no idea this is going on. I just keep crying, and then quickly regain myself and wipe my tears pinch myself, do something to divert myself from the hurt.
Then when i said I will try to give him a better greating when he walks in the door at night, he just said he doesn't want my fake bull *****....i just can't win i guess. It was so hard for me to HEAR what i knew he had been feeling for so very long. But it was said and i am crying now once again.....i guess i can't make him love me....he won't even tell me what i need to change..he says that everything i say is a lie and he is sick of me being sick, because i have a kidney infection...(whole other story, found out Friday and am on strong antibiotic Cipro 1000mg. but no pain killers) i can't believe how sick i am and he is putting me thru this NOW????? my back is KILLING ME i go back to the doctor tomorrow morning and he wanted to put me in the hospital but knows i have kids and many of them!! I had to have a couple of hours of i.v. antibiotics and blood work done on Friday...that is how my weekend started....
I am just so dam sad....i feel like i am a good mom and he said all i was ...was a good peice of a** and we don't even do THAT anymore...so i guess according to that statement, i am just useless in his eyes....even thought i take dam good care of the kids and the house and all the running around i do. So his final answer is he doesn't know when he is moving out, but it won't be sudden, and he isn't deciding over night. I don't know then he turned around and took me to Walgreen's and bought me makeupp andsome dandruff shampoo for himself and then brought my kids home McDonald's, but i thought he has just said that he wasn't buying them anything anymore...i am confused....
Oh well i am clean and sober and that is all that matters for today. I will get thru it, i always do, i am one strong b**ch!!!1
Say a prayer for me guys, I need strength to endure this crap...
i will post more in the am after the doctors' appt. my back is killing i got to go sit on my heating pad again...
Thanks for letting me vent....
luv,
LISA
I am so sorry to hear about how bad your weekend is. You are one strong b....!!! You have shown that to me (us) on this board. You have been through so much and now this. Just what you need huh? I know that everything will work out for you because it always has in one shape or form right?
I am saying this out of the goodness of my heart and not trying to be mean but maybe this is God's way? I mean with all he has put you through in the past. Just keep your head up okay? Have you thought of taking your ex to court for support? I'm sure you have and is it an option?
I'll be thinking of you.
Paula
Hope your Dr. appt goes well and that nasy infection is gone. I have had one of them before and I was really sick too.
Hey Lisa,
First, I just want to thank you for your reply to my post! What a difference it made just to see a reply. There is something very powerful about finding out you are not alone in the addiction/withdrawl thing, or any struggle for that matter, so thank you for being you! I want you to know that I just stopped after that sentence and said a prayer for you, myself, and all the others facing the challenges we are facing. I specifically made a request for God to help you get through your heartbreak. Heartbreak is so painful. And it never ceases to amaze me when it happens just as we feel we need the people around us the most. But as others have indicated on your message board, you are a strong woman. Women are so amazing when it comes to having to juggle what we juggle. My son is 20 and I was a young Mom, he recently told me he admired me for my strength because he knows I have dealt with substance addictions and many other challenges all my life. So don't forget there are also resources to help us in the single Motherhood arena, I know that can be major fear right now. But the heartbreak is truely painful. Hug yourself for me, I have been there, at least similarly. It is very difficult when the people we count on most let us down. Anyway, thanks again for your support.
I am almost off my pills and shopping at health food store tomorrow for supplements I have learned about. You will be in more of my prayers.
Men... can't live w/ em, can't live without em. Let me tell ya... a guy who's in a mood can say some pretty rotten things and then boom... just like that- it's forgotten about as far as they are concerned.
Here is a great big hug First, do you have a kidney infection? I have a problem w/ having sex with my boyfriend as each time I usually get a bladder infection. So my doctor has me on a low dosage of Cipro, and that med that helps with pain that discolors, well, you know. Anyway, I understand how you feel. My boyfriend was confused at first and we have put off and put off making an appt w/ a urologist, (spelling), so he has no reason to complain about waiting a few days until Im well.
So doctor on tomorrow Monday right?
I know you told me things have been tense between you and him. I never asked you.. is he an addict? Does he try to understand what you are going through?
One thing Ive just learned in aa is to take everything one day at a time. Feel your feelings, then take it one day at a time. Like when I got laid off and it was my last day... I cried and cried and listened to "DONT FEAR THE REAPER" on the radio and felt like popping a pill to numb the pain. Then.. for the first time in my life, Im calm and going to meetings and saying to myself everything always works out. In my darkest days I thought I was finished. By the grace of God.. I made it through some desparate times.
One thing I hate doing is waiting to see how my boyfriend's mood is and then basing my mood and how my day is going to go off of that. That is baloney. I just got fed up this weekend b/c he just got a new job and he has been working and not going to meetings at night. So... he has been complaining about everything, being negative towards me, and "white knuckling" it.
Just see what happens tomorrow. It's a new day. Have you guys ever gone to counseling or would he go? It's almazing how easy it is to say your giving up on things, but when you get down to it.. all you really want is resolution to a problem and maybe he just does not know how to resolve it so he runs. Im here for you Lisa and Im so sorry you cried today and you have bladder pain as well. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and let you know that no matter what, you are a good person and good things will happen for you.
My sweetest and most sincere regards to my friend and partner in recovery,
Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara
well its 6 a.m. and i am up crying again. He changes his moods like the freakin weather and it scares the crap outta me. He was as nice as pie this morning....i wrote him little post-its everywhere to wake up to this morning, saying I LOVE YOU on them , in the bathroom, on the coffee maker, etc. He wrote on back saying that the notes were awesome and he loves me, along with a 20 dollar bill.
Yes he is an addict too, can't ya tell by his "fly-by-night" attitude?!?!
He was addicted to booze coke and claims pills, but i doubt it or he would be more sympathetic. He doesn't believe in AA or NA and says that they are a bunch of idiots that sit around and dwell on using and how ****** their lives are....BOY IS HE WRONG, THAT IS HOW I KNOW HE HASN'T BEEN TO HARDLY ANY MEETINGS!!!!! I am pretty sure when he was incarcerated he HAD to do meetings to get "good-time" in prison....
For someone that was or is an addict, i find it so sad that he can't relate...or take the time to care. He has been at some pretty dam low points himself, and i just want him to understand, but he just says he doesn't care and this whole thing is stupid, and i am a retard for getting myself hooked on pills....
he doesn't and won't read anything...but i know for a fact in the past, he has read these boards and have a sneaking suspicion that he still does every now and then from work. Maybe he is truly fed up and i have changed...i don't know this whole dam addiction thing has destroyed me, it very well could've destroyed my relationship with him as well. I have to go to the doctor this morning at 9....feel so sick and tired.....my daughter has the flu real bad, so she will be able to keep me some company today.
This kidney infection has got to go......shouldn't i be feeling better by now???? I have been on anti-biotic since Friday now and not much relief...ALOT OF PAIN in my lower pelvis and back....heating pad has been my best friend.
Well hope everyone's Monday goes well, i am just totally beat, mentally and physically, i just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.....
luv,
LISA
Lisa-
Wow-im really sorry to hear you are in pain/and feeling ill-this is too much!
You've been dealing w/ alot of sadness-dealing w/ your man-who seems very removed from your problems/issues.
Hes not really supportive to you-except paying the bills.
I know-you need his help..your a stay at home mom-and thats very demanding mentally/physically-but as you said yourself-he comes home and zones out-in front of the tv-and ignores you.
My hub-also works very long hours-he kinda chills nightly too-but we still hang out/chat-and although our private life has been rocky since both of us-have started suboxone-we try to connect-in the morning-have coffee-
He can be intense as well-and moody..but really there is alot of love.
Ive read your posts-and how you try to connect-but hes withdrawn-
Are you really still in love w/ him?
Or do you feel scared to be on your own?
I know you have children to think of-how do they connect w/ their dad-is he a loving father?
I know your a young attractive woman-with alot of living to do..
Can you deal w/ this relationship?i guess what im asking-is do you feel like hes the one?
I know i hit some personal ground here-if im out of line-tell me..i really care what happens to you-and i know you struggle(as i do..when im NOT on sub-and sober)-im a moody person too-
Ive actually done the same thing your hubby did to you-to my guy..
"I wanna leave..you don't love me..etc/etc..
Think you guys are gonna be ok?
gimmee a post-honey..im concerned.
love your friend-
ggrl
Hey Lisa,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling 'puny', being physically ill only compounds the emotional b/s that you're having to deal with right now. I think that like their 'selective' hearing they learn the lack of consideration early in life, probably while still in the crib.
It was no big surprise that he went to bed as Dr. Jekyll and got up as Mr. Hyde, I sure hate to think that we as Moms teach them this.... it has to come from a vitamin deficiency(sp) or something. Things haven't been too spiffy around here either......can you tell?????? I am lucky in that there are no children involved that really makes it tough.
It seems like they hit us when we are at our weakest point, just stay strong girl........I know you've got it in you. Be sure and let us know how you are doing.......both physically and emotionally, cause we care and want good things for you.
Thinkin' of you
Marilyn
Lisa,
I am also a pill addict and have been clean now for 12 days (on suboxone), and I am also a counselor- I will try not to let that interfer too much. Anyway, it sounds like this is more about him then you...maybe he is using again and can't deal with you because it would make him face reality- just an observation. Please consider going to counseling becuase you need to process these issues so they don't become a stumbling block. If he is clean and sober and has been through what you are going through, I think he would be different. He should know how important this time is for you and the relapse statistics, therefore, he should/needs to be supportive and sensitive toward you. Again, I feel there is a lot more under the surface than what he is saying or not saying (actions speak louder than words). Also, he may be a little fearful of you getting clean because then you wont be in the fog and less likely to take his crap.
You are an amazing person and you have made it this far- so keep it up and pat yourself on the back if he doesn't. We all care about you here, and if he can't support you, we can/will.
Good luck and please keep posting- we are here for you,
Lisa
I am a lurker here - don't post much. Sounds like your husband is on a dry drunk or drug. You are such a sweet person and I know in my heart you would never intentionally hurt a anyone.
Question? What do you want for you? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? These are painful questions but sometimes when I start to look at these types of question it helps me to set up boundaries that I know I need to live inside of. If I don't I will go crazy.
I gotta run and do the kid thing too right now but please check in!!!
Quote "Those that are Dancing appear to be insane to those who CANNOT hear the music!!!!"
Lisa,
This morning was tough! At least is afternoon now. You should be back from the doc by now. How's your kiddney inf? How's your baby? My 3 yr old is sick too. I took her to the doc Friday and she is on antib. and so loving when she is sick.
I read your post and I know nothing you could have done would make someone treat you like that. Sounds like when he see's you getting better... it makes him take a good look at himself and by the way he is acting out... he is not likeing what he sees.
We as addicts think we seem to be responsible for all the bad stuff that happens to us.
Plus... being a recovering addict- it seems that we want to give MORE chances to somone we love... because we have been given that same 2nd chance!
But what my sponsor told me is that we also have to make a decision from here going forward if we accept being treated badly by anyone... we know we are making a bad choice, and we are setting ourselves up to get hurt: sooner or later we will have to face "our part" in it. Like being with him for any other reason than you love him and he is a good man.
I just came off of a rocky weekend w/ my lil' addict. He acted rotten the whole weekend. On Saturday he said " Im sorry Sara for taking out my bad mood on you, and It's because I havent been going to meetings"
But he continued acting like a jerk so Sunday I said " I know I don't deserve to be treated like this and I think its a form of verbal abuse and this point- so Im giving you space and time "
I got an e-mail from him saying sorry again and he could really use my love and support and forgiveness. Just trying to reach balance and recover and going far too long on far too few meetings and fellowship. Not an excuse... just the reason... but it is still his responsibility to keep even-keeled.
He said he accepts my silence.
Lisa, Ive learned just because I am a recovered addict doesnt give me the right to put up w/ others treating me bad.
You are a very sweet girl and deserve the best! Dont know if you can get it from him or not. But I do know you can be okay with your recovery and know nothing you did or have done can "cause" someone to talk bad to you.
Love ya lots,
Sara
__________________
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
-Sara
Hi Lisa!
I sure hope your pain has diminished some, at least enough so you can get on with your day. Having to care for others when you are feeling lousy yourself ... hmmmm ... motherhood! Though sometimes a good distraction from our own torment. I'm also anxious to know what your doctor says. Sometimes anti- bitotics don't kick in fast enough, I know. Perhaps he's switched you to a stronger one?
I'm so sorry for you feeling sad and in pain about your marriage, about your husband being so detached. You've gotten some great suggestions here about stuff for you to think about. About where you want this relationship to go, to be, etc ... Like others have said, about how to stay clean NO MATTER WHAT. As you know it is hard enough just to stay away from the pills when everything is going smoothly. With this extra hurdle and feelings of hurt and possible abandonment, (rather feelings of abandonment) what are your thoughts about managing? And truly, I mean just for today. Keeping it simple and in 24 hour (or 1 hour if necessary!) increments might help. Just take it a moment at a time, and do the next right thing. Don't panic, that's usually my first reaction, though you don't sound as if you are. Can you get to some meetings for some extra support now?
I'm glad you came here, sorry you are facing this right now. Sending you a big hug ((((((Lisa)))))) For today, I hope you physically have some better news. Let us know as you can.
Love and prayers,
El
Hey Lisa,
You were here for me and now I'm here for you. I am so sorry to hear what your guy did to you! Just like many posted here, try to take one day at a time and look up to God to help you. I will say a prayer for you and your guy and the kids. I can only imagine how you feel, knowing that he may be leaving. But keep him in your prayers also. God still performs miracles. So keep on looking up 'cause that's where it all is. I hope your kidney infection clears up and you get to feeling better. Just know that all of us here love and care for you and we are sending big 'ol hugs for ya!!! Hope you're feelin' better!! Love ya, Konnie
Lisa....it's so discouraging to know you are fighting so MANY battles at once. Like others here have said, take one day at a time. Your priority needs to be YOU....because if YOU love and respect yourself, then you can get past ANYTHING...and your children will feel safe. That "love" has got to come from within 'you'....not from 'approval' from anyone else (tho WE all love you HEAPS!) "Self-love" need not be 'ego' -- it's the "nutrition" your body and soul needs right now. So be good to yourself. Look in the mirror and see a good person, a beloved mother and a friend who is cherished. Hugs.....
TwinAlice & Lynn
