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Old 01-15-2005, 12:52 PM   #1
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John 808 HB User
Smile Hey Ya'll!!!

I knew ya'll would recognize my southern greeting (John 3:16 here)! Just wanted to "drop in" while I had a minute- seems like that is all I ever have. My three children have all had the stomach virus- started with my 2 year old and then my 5 year old and then lastly my 6 year old (but for some strange reason my 2 year old decided to have a little "repeat performance-" UGH)! And ofcourse- "Mommy" is the one who has to "nurse-" (why do they NEVER want their Daddy when their sick?). A couple of days after our stomach virus episode my son developed an absessed (sp?) tooth from a fall when he was 2 years old (3 years ago?)- he has to have a "baby root canal" this week! I am psyching myself up for my second round of cervical cancer treatment come next week......
Needless to say- I have been pretty wrapped up in domestic life and have not had much time for ANYTHING! I hope ya'll know that I have not forgotten ANYONE- just so consumed with "Mommy duties!"

I hope each of you are doing well and are able to make a fresh start this new year- or atleast begin to......take that first step.......or continue in your sobriety! Would love to hear from ya'll- fill me in on what is going on with each of you (although it may take me a week to respond- LOL!).

I think of ya'll often- wish I had more time to "talk" but I am no longer "supermom" ya know? Well- hope to hear from some of you- take care and as always God Bless,
Michelle

 
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Old 01-16-2005, 04:19 AM   #2
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Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Well, hush my mouth, it's that lil gal from way down south!! Hi michelle.Its sooo good to hear from you hon.Sounds like things are a little overwhelming these days(why change now ,huh?)how are you doing with regard to the cancer?God, I hate that word!my husband has lost every single family member except for one sister from cancer.It is such a horrid thing.I hope you have a really good support system.I think that support is really the best way to handle the ups and downs of dealing with it.This is not something that you want to try and deal with alone.I really was hoping that the cancer had completely left you alone now and you were just a pluggin through your days down there,sorry I was wrong.You KNOW that you ALWAYS have people here who really care about you michelle and are willing to listen to you anytime day or night should you feel the need.I hope things get better for you really soon and you can finally close THAT chapter.
Things are about the same with me.I did however FINALLY get approved for disability which has been an absolute godsend for us right now.With all of my overwhelming medical bills and my sons, god, we were almost on the verge of losing our home!My approval came right at the beginning of dec so what was really looking like the most depressing christmas ever, actually turned out to be a gift from god.I do feel blessed.My conditions are still raging on and actually are getting much worse.The RSD is taking its toll on my R leg now and it really really sucks,but i am managing with the help of my antidepressants and my therepist.My neuro damage is progressing as well and I seem to be suffering more pronounced neuro problems and spasticity in both of my legs.God spinal cord injuries suck!!Well, I just wanted to tell you howdy and let you know i will be thinking and praying for you.I hope this is all overwith really soon hon.You really DO deserve some peace in your life.Good luck Michelle,Marcia

 
Old 01-16-2005, 06:02 AM   #3
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Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Hey Mich-
Glad you stopped in..how are ya honey?
I posted to you-last time near the holidays-and i think something got messed up-cos i didn't see it..i still check in daily-in the am...but my son-is grown and i got a free hr. inbetween-getting the dog out/work..
I know its tough..mich-w/ the cervical cancer..and a house/kids-etc..plus maintaining sobriety.But YOU DID IT!!!
remember-the struggle..you came thru..and you've had alot to contend with.
Miss your presence here-people really connected to you-and i know i miss you.But-i know you got alot on your plate.
Im still on the suboxone-and im tapering to 2 mgs.
I feel it every morning-now i feel like im dosing.
I have w/d symptoms when i wake up..its weird.
But on the other hand-i haven't used in 14 months-
Ill be off sub by late spring-im still kinda afraid-whats gonna happen-
But you did it!That keeps me going-along w/ the other success stories here..
I am sorry to hear you have had to contend w/ the health issues-while you are in recovery..Do you go to meetings?How do you stay clean?
I need some inspiration-as im feeling in transition..half medicated..lol!!
Everything is sorta just rolling along-but i know life is alot more simple-w/o the drugs.
Ive been feeling a little more creative..lately..been writing alot..trying to recapture the good stuff-i left behind during my drug daze..music,creative endeavors..still trying to lose weight-doing a little better-but i am hoping as i drop the sub-the excess weight will come off.
so-basically-im the same..boring..huh???
I miss you tho-and im glad your checking in-you are sorely missed..
Bless you miss michelle..
ggrl
Prayers for good health-to you and your family...
Happy new Year..too!

 
Old 01-16-2005, 07:48 AM   #4
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

M'chell, ya'll!! -

How fine to have TWO places to send my good buddy a message! :-) As ya know, I started the Sub early Dec....and while the withdrawal symptoms took only 20 minutes to ease off...the emotional stuff took much longer to hack my way thru. Depression, my old pal, took up residence. It felt real "clinical"..not reactive, tho it just had to be reactive. Whatever it was, it's only eased up in the last 9 days or so (recognize the OCD in me? I actually know it was 9 days!! LOL!)

Of course, I know it was triggered by the shock of this new life. At first, I just could not even BELIEVE there was life beyond "highs"--it seemed unbearable. And this reaction was so nutsy, because the last few months the oxys had totally ravaged my life. I felt practically no highs at all--and the "dives" downward were just horrible. My life had become: wake up in withdrawal, take a pill--no reaction but physical relief, then plummet. This pattern was repeated all day. Life focused on just that one thing--pills. Take a pill--feel LESS bad--then prepare to fall into the abyss during those two hour intervals. Forget sketching, writing, calling friends...being with human beings at ALL...forget ANYTHING but praying for a pill to sweep me away (for ten minutes if I got lucky).

And--STILL--even THEN....after nearly destroyed my life by this drug.....here I am on the miraculous Subutex--and that first week I was just CONSUMED by the loss of my oxys. All I could remember was those "first few months of the relationship"--when the oxys and I met....and knew we were meant for one another. For about a year, our relationship was not just stable--but euphoric. We'd spend hours and hours together, never tiring of one another's company. We worked together, played together, discovered we were more creative together....and knew it would go on forever. Because drugs like oxy ALWAYS know it will go on forever...and ever....and ever. Long after their partner knows it's "over."

So, there I was with, reaping the wonders of Sub...but I still had to mourn and grieve the breakup of my oxy relationship. That really did trigger the depresssion. At first the world seemed absolutely gray, flat...like a world of "nothingness". But, my addictionologist did not want to tamper with my current anti-depressants...she knew this would pass and that this depressive period of readjustment needed to be allowed to follow its course, before we tweaked my "good" drugs.

And then, a week and a half ago, just like the path of my old clinical depressions, one morning, a quick flash of color broke thru the gray. And, each day afterwards, more and more colors were added to the palette...and the depression began to ease. I think it will be awhile before my world becomes truly "normal" again...but then...look at all those years and years of pills. Vicodin...and then, in the last two years, the oxys. What a nightmare. It took many years before it all got so out of control....but--like with everyone else--it inevitably did. None of us outwits or "controls" this monster.

I am soooo grateful for the Sub, which has given me the chance to go back into the past and remember a life without drugs. And, while the Sub is a substitute opiate, and needs to be slowly tapered off, it has none of the feel of painpills--no highs, no lows--just a sense of normality. This is so important for me, because it will make any withdrawal problems I have with Sub so well-worth it. Sub is giving me this chance to see what life can be without the drugs. And, having the chance to experience REAL life is what will give me the strength to fight off the Sub withdrawals later. If I had gone CT or tapered....and I don't think I could have made it. I would have had no reminders of how much the struggle was worth it. With Sub, I KNOW I can be a real person again. And I had truly forgotten. Like all of us here, those symptoms of drug use: the slow withdrawal from friends and family, the compromised performance at work, the belief that anything accomplished was a result of these pills...and the end period, when the only thing that matters is that your day is free--free to enter your "cave" (in my case, my bedroom)--no interruptions--just you and your "buddies"--all those symptoms were unrecognized by me until this past year...when I came here on the Board....and realized exactly what my life had turned into!

Anyway! I know you've had all your struggles, too. And that I'm always there with you. You know how I feel about you, kiddo! :-) Let me know when your treatment starts...and what it involves this time around. And I hope your poor baby gets thru the root canal without too much discomfort. (Next thing you know, you'll have a little "junkie" on your hands--he'll be screaming "Mommyyyyyyy, I want my next dose...NOW"--and then he'll be raiding your old medicine cabinets, checking out your closets. LOLOL!) xxx Lynn

Marcia -

How great to hear from you! But NOT great about all your troubles. I am so happy you got the disability. Did you know I just went back to work after five months off for a foot injury that involved severed nerves, veins, arteries, etc--and refused to heal--even after an operation? (It was discovered that my foot's blood circulation was just lousy.) Anyway, it's fine now. Just still swollen and cranky if I walk more than a few blocks! But, I was able to get short-term, then long-term disability for that period. And I just cannot imagine why YOU...with such worse problems had to fight so hard for yours! That is just beyond ridiculous!!!

How is your son doing? How have you been feeling emotionally? Are you still on the painboard? I miss you. Lots of love, Lynn

Goddessgirl -

As old Pres. Clinton used to say--"I feel your pain"--I am soooo sorry you are fighting this depression as you try to taper the Sub. And I do understand your fears (in fact, I had a dream last night that I was so excited, and said to Alice "c'mom....let's stop the sub right now...and in two days we can start up the oxys again!! In this dream I was so darn excited and happy about this plan. Ugh!!! The worst part was that the moment I woke up, I thought "did I really SAY this to Alice??") So, I know this is the one fear that all of us on Sub will have to work thru together--we just have to be there for one another as each of us tapers. We know it can be done. It's just very tough psychologically to have that last pill "support" taken away. And, I know from when I don't take my dose on time...exactly how those creepy-crawlies slither on back. My doctor is already having me taper...but I've cheated and am still at 8 mg....next week I have to go to 6. If it were up to me, I would just stay on this drug forever...Honest to goodness, I just can't imagine what's going to keep me from having an "accident"--when bottles of oxys and Vics are available one flight up at my cousin's "pharmacy". She uses her pills strictly for pain, never gets addicted...and is waaaaay too generous in her love of "sharing." So, Gdgrl.....I know "where you're comin' from.....heavvvvvvvy"!!!

Your night of rock and rock would so understandably bring back "fond" memories. The whole scene you were in. And being back in a time where you felt so good about yourself. I know how that feels so well....my triggers are so obvious to me. (Life before our agoraphobias snuck in!) But, let's just know that we're going to be there for one another, sweetie, whenever the tiime comes....and we'll try as hard as we can.

love ya, Lynn xxxxx

 
Old 01-16-2005, 10:15 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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DallasAlice HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Hi there Michelle!

How nice to see your user name and your post . You and your words have been missed. I find myself thinking of you often...especially around this last Christmas, I was in a Scrooge of a mood, but I bucked up for the kids and we ended up having a really wonderful time. I mentioned maybe going to church on the Sunday after the holiday, and they were actually borderline receptive to it! I surprised myself for even having the spontaneous thought of doing it! I'm disappointed to say that, No, we didn't go, but in trying to not get too hard on myself for not following thru with a moment I had right in the palm of my hand...well, I have to just think of it all as being something huge and positive for me to have thrown the idea out there, seeing the positive reactions from my kids, and knowing that I did it without forethought or analysis. Now that the door's been opened a bit more, I think we, or at least me, will eventually walk through it a little further.

I don't know why I make it so hard for myself, Michelle! When confronted with spirituality talks with my counselor and in meetings, I often think of you and how you once told me that you couldn't imagine a life without God in it, and I think I understand what you were trying to tell me--way back then--much better now. Recently at one of the meetings at the meth clinic, the topic and handout was on Religion and Spirituality. When the counselor leading the meeting said that without spirituality (whatever we wanted our spirituality to be...as individual as we are, so can our spirituality), but without it, we have much less of a chance at full recovery, and that thought troubled me for a long time. We each were called on to speak of our childhood experiences with this topic and how we feel about the two things--if we see them as the same or if we view them as separate entities. Lots of thought-provoking stuff, and a lot of old childhood memories surfaced. Anyway, I guess my point...yes, I have a point!...is that I have shifted my old thought patterns of religion and church and no longer view them as stuffy bldgs. with boring sermons and Bible readings...my Higher Power, I see now, is whatever I feel it to be...I don't think it has to be surrounded by ritual in order to be felt. This new way of viewing the Creator has done wonders for me and my self-esteem and dealing with my fears. I realize I can just as easily sit on a mountain trail and have my talk with my higher power and it can give me the same feelings of warmth and comfort that I suspect those who enjoy the church environment feel. Don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's been on my mind a lot, and I'm digging it...lol!

As I continue to have my self-talks (something I've done for years), I now think of that as me not just talking to myself anymore, but as me talking to someone, something or someone higher than me, and I can feel the beginnings of comfort and less self-doubt. If I can say to myself that some recent events in my life are not mere coincidences anymore, then I have come a long way in opening up to my spirituality. Too many pivotal things that changed the course of my life have happened since that first night I met you...and I no longer think of it as a coincidence that you were the first one I met, and in taking that night and my thoughts surrounding that initial post a little further, I remember saying to you that if I were a betting man, I'd be rich as I knew you'd be the first one to reply to me. Now in hindsight, I know that I wanted you to respond to me...I had been lurking for so long that your faith was no surprise to me, and so with the knowledge I had of the type of person you were before I made my first post, I think I set out to not only get the much-needed help and support I received and thankfully, continue to recieve, but to deliberately meet you...and I did, and it wasn't a coincidence that you were the first to write me back. Just like getting that job at the mortuary--as a person who came here with not only thoughts of suicide that night, but as someone who has lived most of her life with suicidal thinking, it certainly was no coincidence that the next job that came to me from my temp agency was a month of working in a mortuary! That job changed me, and when I saw them embalm two victims of suicide, I knew right then that I was no longer in any hurry to get to where they were.

I seldom think of suicide anymore, and that is a wonderful thing to feel after a lifetime of having that thought lurking under the surface in the back of my mind--even as a kid. I go months now without so much as a "blip" of those old thoughts. I know none of what happened as a result of my working that job is a coincidence...some things just "feel" different to me now, and it's very revealing stuff. Well, I didn't mean to get on my soapbox and start preaching...LOL, but I did want to share my recent happenings with you, though.

And oh, Michelle, I am so sorry that you are facing round two of cervical cancer. I don't recall what your first round involved...I know you wrote us about it, but it's not coming to me? I'm sorry for not remembering, but I'll go back and find out. When I got my cervical cancer diagnosis back when I was 29, I had a cervical conization done, and because the portion of the cervix they removed had clean borders, I was okay after that. No more treatment, but a lot of paps. You surely have been dealt with more than a handful of family and personal issues, and I marvel at your strength and am very happy for you in staying clean through it all. I have a mental picture of you as this tiny, petite southern belle...pretty as a peach, and strong as all get out when you have to be! Even strong shoulders get tired from holding everything up for so long, so please take care of yourself, and I hope you aren't beating yourself up for not being "supermom" as you have eluded to not being lately. I think that what you do is plenty, and I bet your kids do also...so if I can shift my thought processes on old, deeply buried beliefs, then I know you can, too, and someday I hope you will say and feel that what you do, especially under your current circumstances, is enough...

Write back when you can...no pressure, just glad to see you back!

Love,
Dallas Alice

 
Old 01-16-2005, 10:53 AM   #6
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Best Friend HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Hey M'chelle!! My belle! So great to hear from you! And you sure started a great thread here. Some of our favorite people. And I'm sure you'll hear from many more. Well, Lynn pretty much took any words out of my mouth, so I will spare you repeats about our Sub experience. I had less of the depressive feelings -- but I sure did mourn those highs for the first week or so. Couldn't for the LIFE of me, figure out what drug-free people did to enjoy life!!! Such sick thinking....but so par for the course as we begin to heal.

We all are a "work-in-progress' here. A piece of art. And I like the way we're 'shaping up.' We "Sub/Meth" people still have a ways to go...and GoddessGrl, you KNOW we are here for you. Sounds like reality is hitting you hard right now, and I hope you keep up with your rock n' roll and anything that gives you joi de vivre. You'd LOVE this postcard I have on my computer, right now (and so would DalAl). A illustration of an age-spotted Mick Jagger in a button-down, wool cardigan, pants with suspenders, his shirt caught in his zip, holding a mike in one hand and a walking cane in the other, and a skull ring on his finger. In the background are a steel radiator and a parakeet in a cage. Looks like an old-age home.

ANYHOO! Michellie - you KNOW you're in our hearts here, always! So check in when you can. And you know I'll be in touch! Hugs!
TwinAlice

 
Old 01-16-2005, 11:24 PM   #7
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rosietee HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Michelle--oh hunnieee, I am so so sorry to hear about your continuing struggle with cancer. I was under the impression that they had gotten it all before, and even then I didn't ever know that much about it. I am praying for you and your family and I miss you so very much. You have always been in my thoughts and prayers.

OK, Lynn, I believe I will be framing your post. How perfectly stated and an inspiration to those of us who still need reminding. You are such an awesome lady.

Luv you guys, will write soon . . .

Rosie

 
Old 01-17-2005, 04:59 AM   #8
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Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Another oldie but goodie,Hi Rosie!!How in the heck are you!! i have been wondering about you as it has been a while since we heard anything from you.Please update when you are able.Marcia

 
Old 01-17-2005, 07:56 AM   #9
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John 808 HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

So good to hear from each of you! Can you believe it....it is Monday morning and I am able to sit down at the computer? Well- my mom and dad have my 2 and 5 year old and I am so HAPPY to have had a night without my baby waking up wanting MOMMY (she does is EVERY night?)! I have to pick them up in about 30 minutes but HAD to take this opportunity to thank those who wrote and filled me in on your lives.

Marcia- I am so sorry you are having to deal with physical ailments. My husband has back (disc) problems and I have seen the discomfort/pain he goes through and the measures he takes to help ease it (although he WILL NOT take pain medication~). I am sure yours is worse than merely disc problems but I have a tiny glimpse of back trouble and it does not look like anything I would ever want to be faced with- I have a low tolerance to pain- hence getting hooked on pain pills! Anyway- you did share some good news and I am proud for that! Keep your head up and a smile on your face even when it seems impossible (and then lock yourself in your closet and BOO HOO when no one is watching- LOL!!!)!!!

Lynn and Alice- my "go to" girls- so happy to hear your "settling" into the sub. I know EXACTLY the "mourning" period you go through (when first starting the sub) as you say GOODBYE to your "pals." Glad the rainbow is finally starting to show its colors! I will talk to ya'll later over yonder~

Dallas- you sound great! Even with your "slip" recently you got things back on track and that is what is most important (how you handle a mess up)! I am happy to hear you are "making peace" with your spirituality. The Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." and that is certainly true as I failed (and continue to in certain areas when I don't rely on Him) because of trying to do things "my way" or "on my own." I am so proud and at peace inside when I think of your first post and I read your posts now- it is an obvious work in progress and for the better (even though it is hard as heck sometimes- eh? )! You stay in touch or yes- this little 110 pound southern belle will have to track you down with my "Scarlett fire!" (Were you around when my "Scarlett" often reared its southern hot tempered head? LOL!) I am sure somebody may be reading this and say, "I WAS AND THANK GOODNESS I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT ANYMORE!" LOL!
God bless, Dallas!

Rosie- my words!!! Your going to have to fill me in girl WITH YOU! Okay?

GG- hang in there babe! It is the pits in the morning with withdrawals- huh? This sounds crazy but I STILL wake up sometimes sweating bullets (like I am in withdrawals) and it bugs the crap out of me! I am sure yours is worse than just sweating but I know the "dread" of sometimes just having to wake up! Flag me down anytime you have some questions- K? You have always been a great support to me and now it is my turn!

Did I miss anyone? If so- blame it on the six loads of laundry calling my name.....and the defrosted chicken calling to be cooked for an ailing Sunday School member....or the "signals" I am feeling from my parents as they DESPERATELY await my arrival to rescue them from my youngest two....(I could go on and on- LOL!)!

I LOVE YOU ALL and hope to hear more from you! Hugs to each of you,
Michelle

 
Old 01-17-2005, 08:30 AM   #10
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bluejulie5 HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by John 3:16
I knew ya'll would recognize my southern greeting (John 3:16 here)! Just wanted to "drop in" while I had a minute- seems like that is all I ever have. My three children have all had the stomach virus- started with my 2 year old and then my 5 year old and then lastly my 6 year old (but for some strange reason my 2 year old decided to have a little "repeat performance-" UGH)! And ofcourse- "Mommy" is the one who has to "nurse-" (why do they NEVER want their Daddy when their sick?). A couple of days after our stomach virus episode my son developed an absessed (sp?) tooth from a fall when he was 2 years old (3 years ago?)- he has to have a "baby root canal" this week! I am psyching myself up for my second round of cervical cancer treatment come next week......
Needless to say- I have been pretty wrapped up in domestic life and have not had much time for ANYTHING! I hope ya'll know that I have not forgotten ANYONE- just so consumed with "Mommy duties!"

I hope each of you are doing well and are able to make a fresh start this new year- or atleast begin to......take that first step.......or continue in your sobriety! Would love to hear from ya'll- fill me in on what is going on with each of you (although it may take me a week to respond- LOL!).

I think of ya'll often- wish I had more time to "talk" but I am no longer "supermom" ya know? Well- hope to hear from some of you- take care and as always God Bless,
Michelle

WOW you have been busy.
I hope you and your whole family get well soon.

You wanted an update:
I went through methadone treatement and I am almost 3 months
clean.
WOW!
Doing pretty good although sometimes its a struggle.

Like I said, hope you all get well soon and take care.
__________________
julie

 
Old 01-17-2005, 09:05 AM   #11
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John 808 HB User
Re: Hey Ya'll!!!

Julie,

SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU and your news is wonderful! Congratulations! Believe you me though- I know the struggle! But- you took that first step and 3 months is great progress! So proud for you!

Gotta go pick up my little ones- take care yourself,
Michelle

 
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