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Old 04-22-2005, 02:00 AM   #1
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Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

I used to be a member of this website a long while back and well, here I am again. Here is my delima. I have been addicted to pain meds for many and many years now. The stronger the better. The best part is that I could always obtain a legal prescription from my physician. I have the kind of doctor that will prescribe me anything to shut me up. Anyway, I have been addicted to vicoden, percocets, oxycontins, morphine, hydros, and my lastest addiction was the Duragesic patch-100mcg's every 48 hours. I once suffered severe withdrawls from the patch and I swore if I lived that I would never consider narcotics again...well, that lasted about for 2 weeks. I was falsey arrested and I had to be narcotic free in jail. I was very ill and even almost died. Anyway, to make a long story short, as soon as my case was proven false and the charges were dropped, I went back to my doctor for more patches. The time came 5 months later in which I was again upset with my life and the way that medication controlled my every thought so I asked my doctor to take me off the patch and prescribe me methadone, which he did. He prescribed ten 10mgs pills daily so I started out taking 100 mgs of methadone a day....I weened myself down to where I am now, which is one 10 mg methadone daily or everyother day. I canceled my appointment with him and was very serious about cleaning myself up for good this time once and for all. Then something occured to me this evening. I missed that euphoria feeling I used to have on those oxycontins and I am wanting to go back to my doctor next week to get them. What I dont understand is that if I am the one wanting to quit so badly, why would I want to go back into this dark tunnel right when I am beginning to see light at the end of it? Why do I have this need to get even more hooked once again? I have been up all night until the morning hours(as it is now) reading the dangerous side effects of oxycontins but the more I read, the worse I want them and It really upsets me that I feel this way. I know that I am the only one in control and nobody can convince me to do otherwise but I just need to know if anybody out there has went through this. Why is this urge of mine so strong and is there anything I can do about it. The reason I am on methadone in the first place is to help me come off all the other narcotics so why am I missing them so much? Methadone has never given me that euphoria feeling that the others have given me and for some reason, this has never bothered me until this evening. I have been on methadone since Feb 15th and have been doing so well. Why all of a sudden do I want to throw away all my hard work?? If anybody out there can relate, please reply. I would appreciate anything anybody has to say regardless of what it is. Thanks for your time!

 
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Old 04-22-2005, 03:03 AM   #2
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Katz33 HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Katz33,
I am going through something similar, but my relapse had more to do with sick of feeling depressed and tired of dealing with my brother's constant promises to kick meth and I only come home to be disappointed. I hate my job and generally I hate my life. I considered suicide, again, because I rather be dead than face the possibilities of impossibilities. I loathe the day I ever became addicted to those pills, because since then I have been living in a constant state of denial. All I can tell you is try to get through tomorrow without giving in to the slavery of pill addiction. I was clean for about four weeks--cold turkey--and I still feel like I am going through withdrawl. I caved in, tonight, by slipping back one Vic. I feel disappointed in myself, because I am thirty-four and I seem to go circle around in the same crazy patterns. I wanted to achieve something besides a measly B.A. in Eng. Lit and creative writing. My problem is that I enjoy too many subjects and thusly I feel very confused right now. I am trying N.A. meetings, but I cannot seem to receive a sense of connectedness. Perhaps N.A. would work for you. It doesn't hurt to try. Remeber that euphoria is only a temporary escape from the harsh realities of life. Take it from an expert on escapism.

Good Luck---

 
Old 04-22-2005, 03:41 AM   #3
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Travis420 HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Way2nawty

I can relate too, I'm going through a lot of stress right now and I couldn't sleep. I posted my situation on the 'Need legal advice'. Right now I'm on methadone too and I just started to taper off of that crap. Methadone when used correctly, it's not suppost to give you a high, it's an opiate blocker. Any way, right now I have extream cravings to get high, it's the stress thats causing me to think about smack. What about you, are you under a lot of stress? I can't wait till that da#m clinic opens up and then after I get dosed, I'm gonna call my sponsor and explain everything to him. That's if I make it pass the clinic, there's a lot of H floating around there it's too tempting. Maybe I should bring my girl friend with me to the clinic, she'll keep me straight....

Sorry I'm not much for help right now, I'm too in the same boat as you. You take care and I wish you luck.

Travis

 
Old 04-22-2005, 05:06 AM   #4
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lisaaahubb HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Hi W....
That is called "craving" and i wonder why the methadone isn't taking care of that symptom? Maybe you should confide in your doctor and he can adjust your dose. I hate that part of getting clean.....STAYING CLEAN. It is a CONSTANT mental struggle for me. As soon as something in my life goes wrong, i want to RUN back to numbness. Just remember that being numb got you where you are today. And life isn't about skating thru, numb as hell. It is about good times and bad and actually FEELING. This is probably just a "craving period" that you are going thru. Have you thought to give AA or NA a try? That is the ONLY thing that will get me outta my funk when i start letting my addiction control my every thought. Sometimes the more i read, and hear about pills, makes it rougher, i tend to go for a LONG walk, or jump in the bathtub with earphones on. This is gonna sound weird, but i have found that listening to music, really helps me when i have all of that b-***** going on in my crazy little head. It seems to quiet it all down in there. Helps motivate me and put me in a better mood.
Well just wanted to let you know that everyone goes thru this. It is a battle within yourself. You gotta win, you have come a long way now and don't want to start at square one ever again! And you know for a FACT, that euphoria you are talking about is what....about a cool 20 minutes???? It isn't worth it for a nano-second of a buzz. Your addiction is just playing some games, tame it and check out a meeting or keep posting here. PRAY! pray to God, or your higher power to relieve these cravings. Try to keep your mind occupied when it starts up on this pills. I have a problem with missing the energy, not the euphoria, God knows i haven't felt THAT from pills in over a year now. Pills give a false sense of security, thank your lucky stars you are over the worst of it. Just don't let your addiction get the best of you.
Try to keep busy this evening.....if you DO check out a meeting let me know what you think....remember there are tons out there, you may have to do a little meeting-shopping to find the one that you feel most comfortable in. I have also found some really genuinely good people in the rooms, that in an instance like you were in last night, will drive over to my home and keep me company or get my butt outta the house to dinner and a meeting. You can't go at this alone, what do you do to for support? This place has saved my butt more times than you know.....i would have a total melt-down if i didn't have access to this site. It has helped me so, so much.
Well, WELCOME BACK< you said you used to post here awhile back.
Stick around, we are all in the same boat.
Hope you have a fantastic Friday!
hang in there, K????
luv,
LISA

 
Old 04-22-2005, 06:51 AM   #5
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sweetlife HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Hi way2nawty

I think that is the hardest part the cravings. But who ever said life is easy? We are trying to escape from something,That's why the pills help. or seem to help they give you the warm wonderful feeling, but like Lisa said how long does it last? 20 minutes...

You need to find out what you are trying to escape from... What void are the pills filling. for me I was Lonley, my husband works all the time, I found that a pill would make me happy, but it was a false sense of happiness. I am going on 11 weeks clean, and yes sometimes I still want a pill, but I don't ever want to go thru the Hells of WD again!

Get some hobbies, Read a book, go for a walk, exercise, play with your kids, anything that will take your mind off of the pills. It seems easier to just pop a pill. But in the long run it will destroy your life. So just focus on how great life will be not held captive by pills.

And yes...you need to find a new Dr.

You can do this, I know you want to or you wouldn't have posted here.
Let us know how you are doing.

DV
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DV

 
Old 04-22-2005, 07:16 AM   #6
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mrgrateful HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Way2Nawty.......I feel for you man........I just finished a sub taper, which elininated the cravings....almost, the other night....out of the blue.....I felt (craved) the urge to get Norcos! The fact that the thought even entered my head scarred the you know what out of me......not even done completely with the taper and bam a craving...I know this will be a life long battle for me.......Think it through.....go for a walk...take a shot of whisky...but DON'T go near any opiates, please don't, remember what hell was like?.......JT

 
Old 04-22-2005, 07:26 AM   #7
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dwp512 HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Hey,

I'm an addict...a fairly functional, well behaved addict but an addict nonetheless. I quit a little over 3 weeks ago, but that was just buying a ticket...now I'm going for the ride. For better or worse, I think I will always crave drugs...even though I know it wasn't that good, or at least stopped being that good relatively quickly, it will always there. I'm not going back...period, but thinking about a lifetime of sobriety can be pretty overwhelming. So, I am totally taking it one day at a time...if I don't use today then I win.

dp

 
Old 04-22-2005, 11:37 AM   #8
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way2nawty HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

WOW!!!! You people are wonderful. You don't even know me yet you offer such support and care! Unbelievable! I am so thankful for every one of you that responded to my post. Its a good feeling to know that I am not alone. I am 34 yrs old and I hate to say this but most of my adult years have been "high" on narcs and the bad thing is that I miss the hell out of them. I know that I am not there yet. Afterall, I am still on 10mgs of methadone a day-but I am much better than I have been in a while. As I wrote in my last post, I canceled my dr. appointment and I have only 2 more methadone left. I know when I start withdrawling, me wanting to use is going to be even a more difficult delima than just having cravings and I am terrified. This may sound crazy but I am terrified to use more heavily again but even more terrified to be clean. How will I handle my everyday life....the depression, keeping the energy to raise 3 children, working, cleaning, and everyother reason I had to use in the past. I am so scared of being me without narcotics. I really don't have a choice right now. I am out of methadone and am new to the area so its not like I can just call someone. I did live in Virginia-where my doctor is-where I drive 10 hours every month to get my narcotic prescription. Is that not crazy???? Anyway, As I said, I am terrified of withdrawling from the methadone and even more terrified to be clean. I don't like the person I am w/out narcotics. It's difficult for me to explain but I am sure most of you can relate! I know that I can't go to the ER for withdrawls. As I was once told by the ER dr.:" If I prescribe you narcotics, I would be no different than a drug dealer on the side of the street". He watched me suffer......*******.......sorry, just still have resentment about that. Well, I wont keep you guys. I really just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. For giving me someone to talk to, someone to understand, someone to offer advice, someone to listen and someone to accept me despite all my terrible mistakes in life!!!!!! If anybody knows how to cope w/these methadone withdrawls, please let me know. I have had withdrawls from other narcotics but never
methadone, should I expect the same type of hell......the suicide thoughts, the nausea, the weakness, the shakes, the cold chills, the sweats, the......every other uncomfortable side effect? Please let me know. I wish all of you a great weekend...................and please, pray for me should you get the chance. Thanks again so much!

 
Old 04-22-2005, 01:19 PM   #9
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Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

The reason we feel out of control when it comes to cravings is simple. The brain receptors that the opiates attach themselves and bring about the euphoria are very primitive receptors. Your intellect, your willpower, no matter how strong cannot control them. Opiates work at the same level as the instinct of "fight or flight" you have no control. This is why awareness of this is so important. You simply must stay out of situations in which you will find yourself falling back into the old ways. Sure, I know very well what it feels like to fight the cravings, you can't. But you must deny yourself. My addictionoligist describes it like this. Maintenance drug therapy is a long term solution to the addiction. Afterall, if you are on methadone or suboxone at least you are a step closer to normalcy than if you were on opiates. And just like a diabetic controlling their insuline an addict can use a maintenance drug along the same philosophy. I know there are lots of opinions about this. I'm on suboxone, but I don't feel high, I don't feel anything but a lack of cravings, and since I'm a CP sufferer the pain relieving properties of suboxone are a plus for me. Get yourself to a doctor who will get you on a maintenance drug. I was on methadone for six months but I didn't want to tolerate the supression of my sex drive, and viola I'm on suboxne and I feel normal, sex drive is back, depression is gone, I'm sleeping well the whole shootin match.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 01:47 PM   #10
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PILZZRME HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Way2 - this aint easy - but you HAVE to change - or you stand no chance against the onslaught of addiction. Addiction is an illness (World Health Organisation) - you are very very sick. Not bad or odd or different or alone - but deadly sick. You need treatment. I can think of no better start to seeking a real solution than attending AA or NA.
You are still young - take control of your life again - you can take it back - but not while drugs control you. You life is literally in your own hands. Just look at all the folks in here incl myself who are so much older than you - who didnt take a long hard look in the mirror until now. You too can suffer on and on and on down thro the years or you can get off this hellish merry go round now. Its all up to you. AA/NA will show you the way.

 
Old 04-22-2005, 04:57 PM   #11
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sweetlife HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

You are NOT alone..That is for sure!..I am 39 and for the past 8 years I basically was on them too. I thought they did miracles for me.. But what they did was take 8 years of my life away, 8 years I can never get back.

I am so glad you cancelled your appointment. as for driving 10 hours to get your pills, I would say I would have done it too. So no I don't think you are crazy..just addicted.
But you can change this around.


I too wondered how I would handle every day life..I do it one day at a time. Some days are better then others. But each day I can do it without pills is a successful day for me. Even if the laundry isn't done, or the dishes stay in the sink all day, if my kids eat fastfood instead of a home cooked meal. It is a success if I do it without pills, all of the other things really don't matter. What matters is you being healthy. So if things go undone who cares!

I can't help you with the methadone WDs, I just went CT. But I can be here for you to talk whenever you need to!

Hang in there,
We don't have to be Supermom, I am learning that & you will too!

DV
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DV

 
Old 04-24-2005, 09:44 PM   #12
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way2nawty HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Once again a special thank you for all that responded to my post with such support and helpful advice. Here I am, the beginning of my methadone withdrawls and I am pretty much hating life. I realize methadone stays in your system for a while so I can only imagine how tough its going to be. I have been debating all day if I should go to the ER or maybe the dentist monday morning to get some more narcotics. I fear the withdrawl process! I feel very weak right now. Everytime I tell myself that I don't need ANYMORE narcotics, a little voice inside my head keep changing my mind. It keeps telling me that I am not going to be able to handle life w/out my best friend-which happens to be a pain pill-how sad is that hu? I am so confused. I know I want to be clean and drug free but am I just setting myself up for disappointment? I obviously dont like myself to much or I would of never allowed narcotics to control my life in the first place. I must of been running away or hiding from something. What makes me think things will be different this time? I just am so scared and don't know if this feeling is normal. If I want to quit using than why is this so difficult to do?? Why am I giving quiting another thought? Why am I still trying to figure out a way to get narcotics........why am I so weak when I have no narcotics in my sytem? How can I shut this voice up inside of me....the one who is telling me that I will NEVER escape my addiction? Why does the thought of being clean scare me?......why do I feel that I need my narcotics to survice? These are just a few questions running through this confused mind of mine ............can anybody relate.........or once could relate. Please let me know. Thanks!

 
Old 04-26-2005, 05:48 AM   #13
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panther3310 HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Hey Friend,

I can completely relate! I am on day 24 of my recovery from Methadone. I had been taking PK's for upwards of 12 years. I am still trying to figure out what to do with myself. I feel better than I initially did but I still do not feel great. It feels as if I have a very large whole in me. I had known life only way and it truly is frightening to think of it clean. I was going to go to an NA meeting on Sunday but then I started freeking out and ultimately chickened out. I had the thought the only way I could deal with it is if I got some meds in me. I am trying to exercise as often as I can but I tricked my back out the last time I worked out and I am hesitant to go back. I absolutely hate pain but now I can do nothing about it. That is the most difficult thing for me is imagining the rest of my life without painkillers. Look into docs in your area that can perscribe suboxone(bupronepherine). The withdrawl is no treat it is worse than WD's from Hydro's or Oxy but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was nauseus but I never vomitted. I had the shakes extremely bad and sleeping was impossible even though that is all that I wanted to do. I did go to the ER and they perscribed Clonidine(Bad Stuff). I went about 1 day and called my new doc because I did not have one and told him I was sick and freeking out and if he did not help me I was going to go back to using. He perscribed Alazapram for anxiety and Ambien to sleep. Do you have any one in your life you have told about your addiction. It is important to tell someone and have them control your meds especially if you do get perscribed other habit forming drugs as I was. In sumation I had been up to 120mg of done a day and tapered down to 60mg before I stopped CT. It is difficult but possible. Is it worth it? Faced with what I am it is, but everyone has their own reasons. Good luck and stay strong.

 
Old 04-26-2005, 11:17 PM   #14
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NawtyNellz HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Hi Nawty,

We definitely have more in common than just our names.....I don't want to say that my addiction is any less than anyone else's, but I was taking Darvon 65 oh, about 10-15 per day for abut 3 years. I would just like to give you something to consider. I truly believe that the pure anxiety of not having them creates a false withdrawl or makes them a lot worse than they are. I remember teetering for about 6-8 months on quitting because I could really start seeing changes in my appearance that were not flattering. Also, seeing what it was doing to my husband. He was my enabler for a very long time, and I blamed and started to resent him. I now realize that he loves me very much, but just didn't know what to do. I put myself in his shoes and those shoes I would never want to be in .....I actually think I may have done the same thing. It's very difficult on any relationship. You dont want to see someone you love suffer, but regardless I had to take full responsibility for what I was doing. I took a long time, but like I said....when I started really looking in the mirror and not recognizing who was staring back at me, and making the two hour drive every 3-4 weeks to mexico, and standing In the pharmacy ---it finally got to the point that I felt so low and degraded. I was easily paying this so called pharmacist's rent or morgage every month. I couldnt function, think or run my business productivly anymore. I was making a lot of errors and embarassing myself and my husband too many of our clients. It made me so sad the way he would have to cover for me--I't just finally began to eat me up. I am on my 9th day cold turkey.......somtimes it seems worse than day 3,4,5, or six, but I can see clearly now and it not drug so much but the anxiety ...I had a certain ritual everyday when I would self-administer and thats really hard ..the just plain habit, so at those times I will pop a valium or an advil just to recreate the habit of popping that pill. The sleeping issue is absolutely the worse. I got something called seroquel.......non-narcotic and I sleep wonderfully. Stay strong Nawty and try the hot bath or showers...they really do wonders. Try to not let the anxiety of whats gonna happen before it even happens....I know easier said then done, but it's also ok to just break down.....sometimes I just crawl into bed and just cry and rock myself into a somewhat state of relaxation and It passes. We are all different on how we handle this, but I wish you all the best--be strong--this may sound kinda stupid, but pick up a pillow and swing it or hit something imagining yourself beating the w/d's out of your system......I promise you will feel better.

God bless you, hun.

Veronica.......

P.S. My day of revelation was the day my husband said he couldn't take it anymore, and that he couldn't stand to watch me slip away right before his eye's. I hit the floor and cried and looked up at him and said "I dont think I can do it, my pills are my life my only friend and comfort" When I heard myself and pulled myself together. That was my day of revelation. Sooo Sad.

 
Old 04-27-2005, 12:04 AM   #15
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way2nawty HB User
Re: Somebody Change My Mind Quick...

Veronica......I tell ya, the post you just wrote sounded as if it came from me. The only difference is that I DID loose my husband of 15 years due to my addiction. I guess all of us addicts are so very much alike....just some of us addicted to different things. What I think is sad is that I am crying...literally crying out for help and all the "professionals" that I come in contact with just judge me or worse yet, since I do get help from the county insurance wise, they refuse me. I can not talk about physicians on this website but I tell you, when I went today I have never felt so humiliated and worthless. I have been crying ALL DAY!!! I hate the person I become, the person that I don't even know anymore but THIS person needs and wants help-help I don't think I can give myself. I am so sick right now. I just want to die........yet I know I cant. I have kids;therefore, I wont be selfish....but I swear its so hard. I know you and everybody else understands. I THANK GOD DAILY FOR EVERYBODY WHO SUPPORTS ME ON THIS BOARD!!! Thank you all for being there at times when I feel the world judges me,ignores me, and just laughs at this predicament that I GOT MYSELF IN! Maybe one day my strength will return but until then, thanks for being the strength I need to do my BEST at winning this addiction!! You are ALL in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

 
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