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Addicted and scared




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Old 06-27-2005, 03:57 PM   #1
jayden_sky
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Addicted and scared

I need help. Maybe someone out there has some advice for me. Iíll try to sum it all up as quick as I can. Iíve never actually been settled in my life. I have never kept a job for more than two years (or a relationship for that matter). I want to move all the time and change things. I move my furniture around all the time. Iím constantly doing things. I never seem to be happy where Iím at. I never did well in school and I hung out with the wrong crowd. I am 33 now and I have been an alcoholic since I was 15. It has now been four months since Iíve been sober. I feel really good about that. I donít even crave a drink or anything. About three months ago I went to a psychiatrist (a request by my parents) and told him I thought I might be depressed. I was pretty sure I was. We talked all about my life and after about an hour he diagnosed me with ADD. I took a test and then went back a few days later for the results. He said since the test showed strong signs of ADD that I should think about Ritalin. I was actually quite happy because it was like I had a reason I had been the way I was all my life. Now I could fix it. My parents even agreed that they thought I might have had something like this. I started the Ritalin and right away I felt amazing. Like I could actually concentrate and focus. I trusted my own judgment and I had motivation and energy to get things done. I had amazing quality time with my daughter too. I even got rid of the TV so we wouldnít be able to watch it. My place was cleaner than ever and I felt completely grounded. Like I could live here in this house always and really appreciate how lucky I am. Then something happened. I drank a coffee one morning shortly after taking a pill and I noticed a feeling of Euphoria sort of. Then I did it again. Then I added caffeine diet pills, coffee, ritalin and even pepsi or coke because of the sugar and caffeine. I was getting myself high. Itís been about two months now that Iíve been doing this and things have been awful. I am addicted to Ritalin and caffeine. I am depressed, sad, frustrated and feeling lost. I get irritated and short tempered. I want to isolate myself and sleep all day. It takes everything in me to control my feelings in front of my daughter. I am screaming and crying inside and I have to be so calm and soothing with her. I canít wait till itís her bed time so I can be alone. I thought I was finally ďfixedĒ. Now I feel like there is no hope of feeling that great feeling I felt when I was on the Ritalin alone (first three weeks). Iíve tried going back to taking the prescribed amount of pills with no caffeine but then I get upset about something and I end up taking more. Right now I just wish the ground would open up and suck me in. Then there is this situation with my work. I have been working with a guy (painting houses) for a year now. We have also been in and out of a relationship for the entire year. He has three boys ages 4, 6 and 8. So with my daughter who is 4, it makes it a bit overwhelming. Two of his kids have autism as well. Being with this guy makes me stressed out a lot because his wife whom he is separated from is crazy (my opinion of course) and she seems to have the power (which I guess I give to her) to make my emotions flare up. I hate it! So hereís the situation. He loves me completely and wants nothing more than for us to be in a relationship. I donít want to be more than friends and I donít think I even want to be friends. I hate the feeling of anxiety that this relationship brings to my life. Problem is... Iíll have to quit my job if I want to end our relationship for good. So I would have to find a new job and I would never find one that pays as well as him (guess he doesnít want me to leave). Not to mention that is as flexible and laid back as this job. I hate the spot Iím in. I feel as though the amount of money he is paying me shouldnít mean anything because itís almost like heís just paying me to be his friend. I am just afraid to quite and find another job. Plus he doesnít let me just quit. He thinks Iím just going through one of my crazy moods and that Iíll be over it soon. Which is what I do. He doesnít know what to believe anymore. Weíve been on a crazy roller coaster ride and I just want off. Iím too scared to make the jump though. I wish he would just end it so I donít have to, and let me get on with my life. He wonít though. No matter what I do, he wonít end it. I didnít even go to work today because Iím so depressed about everything. I took my daughter to daycare as if I was working this morning though. Just so I could sleep all day.
I donít know exactly what I am trying to get across in this post but I am looking for some kind of help. My only friend is the guy I work with. So I donít really have anyone to talk to. If someone can figure out what Iím trying to say here then please help me. I feel like Iím at the end of my rope.
Thank so much for taking the time to read all this.
Sincerely
Jayden

 
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Old 06-27-2005, 04:36 PM   #2
KFld
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Re: Addicted and scared

Jayden, first of all you came to a great place. I have to say that ritalin can be addictive and can cause depression. My son who just came out of detox 10 days ago, detoxed from heroin, has recently admitted to actually beginning with ritalin years ago when he took it for adhd. He admitted to snorting it and he also has cuts all over his arms because he actually started cutting, I don't know if you are familiar with that, because he was depressed from the ritalin.
I would talk to your doctor first of all about possibly changing medications. there are many out there, and even though one works great at first, which ritalin was such a life changing miracle for my son when first diagnosed, it doesn't mean it will be good for you forever. I would be very honest with your doctor. My son started crying over nothing and just being really irritable and then he switched to something called concerta, which worked well until he decided at 17 he didn't need anything anymore. Probably because he was doing other things that I didn't know about, but that still doesn't change the effect ritalin had on him. I know there are also some non stimulant adhd meds out now.

do yourself a favor, talk to you doctor. Don't wait, I can guarantee you it's nothing he hasn't heard before.

 
Old 06-27-2005, 04:48 PM   #3
Sylvia224
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Re: Addicted and scared

Hi Jayden: I have to get off of the computer because Iím late for an appointment but I wanted to tell you to hang in there, and I will respond more tomorrow. If you have time, look up my post Ė I think it was "need opinions please" or something. I am also on ritalin, it has been the only thing that has given me my life back, but it is scary because it can be addictive and tempting to take more than prescribed. Donít do that, or stop now, seriously. You should be OK if youíre just adding caffeine, but the problem with upping your dose is that you can not only become addicted, but you can then build a tolerance to it so that it wonít work for your ADD anymore. At prescribed doses, you should not develop a tolerance to it. If you feel that it isnít working, talk to your doctor about Adderall, some people do better on that. Or yes, Concerta is time-released Ritalin. It works for some people, but not all. But it is worth a shot. Straterra is a non-stimulant medication that also doesnít work for most ADD cases, but it might be worth a try.
OK Iíll write more tomorrow. Just wanted to let you know I read your note and am thinking of you and wishing you well, but right now Iíve got to run.
More soon!

 
Old 06-27-2005, 05:28 PM   #4
jayden_sky
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Re: Addicted and scared

Thank you Kfld for taking the time to tell me about your son. I appreciate it. I will definitely talk to my doctor about what I am going through.
Take care.

Last edited by jayden_sky; 06-27-2005 at 05:29 PM. Reason: had to add name. Didn't realize it doesn't go directly to the person I am replying to. Thanks.

 
Old 06-27-2005, 05:33 PM   #5
jayden_sky
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Re: Addicted and scared

Thank you Sylvia. I will check out your post later this evening. I will be looking forward to hearing from you again. I will look into the medications you mentioned. :-)

 
Old 06-28-2005, 11:11 AM   #6
Sylvia224
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Re: Addicted and scared

Hi Jayden Ė Whew! What a story. Mainly I just want to let you know that I really sympathize with what you are going through. I also have a drinking problem, a lot of adults with ADHD do drink too much and self-medicate in all kinds of ways in an attempt to deal with the chaos and frustration of ADHD or depression/anxiety. Congratulations on not having a drink for four months Ė thatís great! I havenít stopped drinking altogether, but ritalin really, really helps me not to binge like I used to. You say you feel great, and donít crave a drink. However, you are craving something or you wouldnít be trying to get high from the Ritalin. I probably donít have much good advice because I know exactly what you mean. I can tell you that the best thing to do is to be honest with your doctor about this, but I donít know if I would myself so I wonít be a hypocrite there. I donít know if you read my other post, but I have thoughts every single day about taking more of my ritalin to get that euphoric feeling. So far, I have been able to resist doing it because I know how much it helps me, it is the only thing that has ever helped me to behave like a normal person and the last thing I (or you) need is for that to stop working. I would be in a very bad place.
I think that maybe part of the reason you are so irritable and sad is that you might be just exhausted. Especially when you take too much ritalin and combine it with a bunch of caffeine, it is going to mask fatigue Ė but that fatigue has to catch up with you eventually in a million ways, the first of which is when the world just seems impossible to live in. I know that I am a mental and emotional wreck if I let myself get too tired. Can you take a few days more off, maybe go away by yourself for a few days?
My feeling on this situation you are in with this guy is that you really, really should quit that job. Itís too bad that it is a job that you enjoy and pays well, but the fact is that he is trying to control you, and I can tell by your wording that you know that and are starting to feel trapped by him. This is not a good situation, especially not when you have so many personal issues that are making you vulnerable right now. I think that even if it is scary and difficult to look for another job, you really need your personal freedom from this guy and you will adjust to changes in your income and schedule. No one person should be your sole means of financial and emotional support.
Thatís all I have to say for now. Write back and let us know how youíre doing!

 
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